He has a daughter....

I need to just get this out there as I feel I can’t speak to anyone.

I’m with the most amazing man and we have been together about a year and a half. We both have a son each from previous marriages. We are now living together and have take time to have our families bond and it’s been great.

However about 3 months into our relationship he came to me and told me he was falling in love with me so needed to tell me something.

He then told me that about 2 years before me he dated a girl from Romania who had been working in the uk. She fell pregnant and they stopped dating as he felt she was using him to get pregnant however she moved away without him knowing where. Once his daughter was born he found out she was still local and she agreed he could come say goodbye and see her before she went back to Romania.

He’s told me that it feels like he doesn’t have a daughter as he doesn’t know her but feels it’s important to tell me. His mum and dad know and have mentioned it to me before.

Now it’s his past and I realise that everyone has a past. I can’t help feel that this Romanian girl might have misused the situation and taken advantage of him or he’s not telling me how serious they were. But we are fine and this hasn’t caused an issue. I’ve told him in the future we will need to be prepared that she comes to look for him but he says that this won’t happen.

What a situation eh?? I mean he says that it doesn’t affect him as he doesn’t know her and they have never had contact.

I suppose I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading xx

So he got her pregnant and dumped her? And he feels no connection or responsibility for his own child?

Better hope you don't "fall pregnant".

Well, I must say that I'm a bit perplexed about this whole situation...I understand that the daughter is in another country, but all the same, why has your boyfriend taken no interest in even speaking to her? Did he end on bad terms with the Romanian ex? I just don't understand why he cares about his son (or doesn't, I don't know...?), but not about the daughter. With all the technology we have these days, he could easily talk to her on video camera and maybe sometimes send her letters or presents in the mail. I mean, I think it's great he told you and he wants to be honest. I'm not sure why but to me it seems like not a very good sign that he's happy just not to know his daughter at all. Also I'm not sure if he may be playing the situation down. It may not be that she "used" him but it was an accident. He's also to blame as he didn't use protection. I mean, you only know his side of the story. There may be more to it.

He told you early on that he has a daughter out there. Whether he has a relationship with this child or her mother in the form of child contact/child support is between them. This is his responsibility, not yours. Whether he or the child eventually pursue a relationship is up to them and also does not affect you.

Why are you concerned about this? It really doesn't matter how this child came about. Whether it was a one night stand, a former serious, casual, whatever relationship or whether it was planned or not.

Why all the anxiety? It has nothing to do with you. He did not lie about having a child out there. You can create problems in your mind if you wish, but it seems he's been transparent about it and told you very early on so you could, with full disclosure, choose to go forward with him...or not.

However about 3 months into our relationship. Once his daughter was born he found out she was still local and she agreed he could come say goodbye and see her before she went back to Romania. or he’s not telling me how serious they were.

It is strange that he keeps in touch with his son but not his daughter, but you don’t really know the whole story either. Personally it gives me a bad taste in my mouth when I hear that parents don’t go out of their way to keep in touch with their kids who they may not be living with, but that’s just me.

I must be missing something.

The mother and child arent in your life..and arent bothering you. So why do you care what her motives were?

I would be more concerned about the man that isnt interested in his own kid. RED flag.

I've been in this situation.

Years ago, I had a boyfriend who had a son from his marriage. One of his friends told me that he also had a daughter from another relationship. It transpired that the other relationship had lasted about six weeks, she had told him she couldn't get pregnant - but did. He, too, had ended the relationship other than to be present at the birth, and he gave her child support once the kid was born. I was rather put out that he hadn't told me himself, but it was very early days at the time and, in retrospect, I can see why he didn't.

Did it have any effect whatsoever on our relationship? Not one tiny bit. His parents were delighted they had another grandchild, and the mother kept in regular contact with them. My partner saw the kid from time to time, but had no wish to build up a relationship with him. And the mother, who had desperately wanted a child but not necessarily a partner, now had one.

It felt very weird at first, I must admit, and I had difficulty getting my head round it. But in time it just became one of those features of everyday life and I thought no more of it.

She fell pregnant

OP come on now... she didn't just "fall" pregnant, your BF got this girl pregnant. It's very concerning that he (and you) would not only blame her for getting pregnant but also not take responsibility for his kid.

It astounds me that this mentality still exists in today's world.

Thank you for your reply’s. I don’t think I’ve rxplained it very well.

Your all right it shouldn’t really concern me and it doesn’t but now and again I think about it.

My partner was married 6 years ago and had his son and we co- parent with his ex, like I do with mine. The boys get on great and he’s a great dad to his son and mine. A few years after he separated from his wife he was dating and met this Romanian lady. They dated for a few months she fell pregnant and he stayed with her and tried to make it work but to his surprise she didn’t want him and didn’t want to stay in the uk.

They argued a lot and she left without telling him. His sister traced her down once she was in hospital having the baby and she agreed to let the whole family meet her and said that she had no intention of co parenting with him and only wanted him to see her before she left for good.He wanted to send money and she refused this. She did not want him in there life. I think he really went through a bad time and struggled and his family told me he was down and no wonder to be honest.

He has come to terms with this now and is at peace. I suppose sometimes I’m still trying to process this all. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been and our relationship is great maybe I’m secretly gutted that there’s a flaw in our foundations which is selfish I know!!! Xx

He is and so should you be.

He has come to terms with this now and is at peace.

They weren’t trying but probably not preventing either...I’m not stupid I understand there’s two sides. He’s a good person and I don’t doubt what he’s told me.

True! I know I need to drop this and just be there for support if and when it’s required. Thank you for your wise words.

I know a couple of guys who have got women pregnant (unplanned), been prepared to 'do the right thing' and stay with them, support them financially an' all that - and the woman has been happy to accept the finances collected by the Child Support Agency but otherwise wanted nothing to do with the guy involved, and certainly didn't want the child building up a relationship with the father. One of these guys in particular was really upset by it.

I wouldn't necessarily rush to any judgment about men who have no contact with kids who've been conceived in the context of a casual relationship. At least, not without knowing the facts.

Yes your right. Just because he’s not got contact initially this wasn’t from lack of trying it was her decision.

I suppose I’m thinking about the future. It will impact our family if this little girl decides to come to the UK and look for her dad. I of course will be willing and happy to welcome her but it won’t be easy. He seems to think this will never happen. Don’t get me wrong it’s not something we discuss all the time as it doesn’t impact us.

It will impact our family if this little girl decides to come to the UK and look for her dad.

If she does, she won't be a little girl any more. It will be more than sixteen years from now, and I promise you your situation will look very different to today!

True!! I know I need to just let this go in my head and enjoy what we have. Thank you for your advice.

I know a couple of guys who have got women pregnant (unplanned), been prepared to 'do the right thing' and stay with them, support them financially an' all that - and the woman has been happy to accept the finances collected by the Child Support Agency but otherwise wanted nothing to do with the guy involved, and certainly didn't want the child building up a relationship with the father. One of these guys in particular was really upset by it.

 

I wouldn't necessarily rush to any judgment about men who have no contact with kids who've been conceived in the context of a casual relationship. At least, not without knowing the facts.

I completely agree with this, nutbrownhare. Each situation is different and has its own unique set of facts.

I've known men in a similar situation. Mind you, there are legal avenues they could take to ensure their rights as a parent, that's until the child is old enough to decide for themselves whether they want to maintain a relationship with that parent. Although the end result is not always what that parent hoped for or wanted if they do take this route.

But like with most things, its easy for those of us not in the situation to just judge without knowing the full story, which isn't right.

Heck, I've known men with children going through divorces who got the ***** end of the stick.

I need to just get this out there as I feel I can’t speak to anyone.

 

I’m with the most amazing man and we have been together about a year and a half. We both have a son each from previous marriages. We are now living together and have take time to have our families bond and it’s been great.

 

However about 3 months into our relationship he came to me and told me he was falling in love with me so needed to tell me something.

 

He then told me that about 2 years before me he dated a girl from Romania who had been working in the uk. She fell pregnant and they stopped dating as he felt she was using him to get pregnant however she moved away without him knowing where. Once his daughter was born he found out she was still local and she agreed he could come say goodbye and see her before she went back to Romania.

 

He’s told me that it feels like he doesn’t have a daughter as he doesn’t know her but feels it’s important to tell me. His mum and dad know and have mentioned it to me before.

 

Now it’s his past and I realise that everyone has a past. I can’t help feel that this Romanian girl might have misused the situation and taken advantage of him or he’s not telling me how serious they were. But we are fine and this hasn’t caused an issue. I’ve told him in the future we will need to be prepared that she comes to look for him but he says that this won’t happen.

 

What a situation eh?? I mean he says that it doesn’t affect him as he doesn’t know her and they have never had contact.

 

I suppose I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading xx

Kb007, how long ago did he disclose this to you?

The literature likely varies, but I can't imagine it's terribly healthy for a developing child to have a parent whose presence extends to weekend Skype calls or once-a-year visits. And I doubt for the father, either. It's unfortunate and probably why you shouldn't knock someone up / get knocked up in such uncertain circumstances. Hopefully the child has the means for a stable upbringing despite the fact him being financially responsible for her and available should she want to pursue a relationship with him later in life is probably the best that can be done for his part. Perhaps you could judge the circumstances leading to the pregnancy to begin with, but I can't say as I think how events have followed have been inherently wrong.

That said, baggage is baggage. He may be fine with it now, but it may be a source of anxiety or sadness in the future. It was a rough enough struggle for many guys back when being relegated to being a parent one day a week was the norm. Can't imagine when the kid is countries away. Unless this guy has some pretty powerful dissociation mechanisms, I'm sure he'll have rough patches in the future you'd need to be prepared for. Up to you what's worth it or not, and your decision would be fair either way. What isn't fair is sticking around if you'll only resent him for it.

He told me at the beginning of our relationship so it’s not new. I’m here for him in the long haul and I’m going nowhere. It’s not something I’m resentful about just wanted to be able to chat to people I don’t know about it... I suppose it’s a way for me to talk and put it to bed.

OP come on now... she didn't just "fall" pregnant, your BF got this girl pregnant. It's very concerning that he (and you) would not only blame her for getting pregnant but also not take responsibility for his kid.

 

It astounds me that this mentality still exists in today's world.

I came here to post the exact same thing!

No one "falls" pregnant.

He put his unprotected penis in her vagina, willingly.

She accepted said unprotected penis, willingly.

To say that one "falls" pregnant removes responsibility. It creates a word distance that is simply inaccurate.

I’ve just worded it incorrectly of course they don’t. I did respond to that if you read back. There are two sides to the story.

He's really irresponsible, that's the message you should get here.

He slept with a woman he barely knew, HE took advantage and she got pregnant. Then instead of taking responsibility he has her leave and doesn't seem to care that there is a child out there that HE created.

It makes no difference what this woman's motivations were, your boyfriend has unprotected sex and got someone pregnant. That's on HIM.

I find it terrible that he doesn't seem to give a hoot that this child exists and he's not paying child support nor keeping in her life. She didn't ask to be born but she still deserves his support, even if it's just financial.

He doesn't sound like a nice man at all. Who get's a stranger pregnant (nevermind possible STD's and then doesn't take responsibility?)

That would seriously bother me if I were you.

He's really irresponsible,that's the message you should get here.

 

He slept with a woman he barely knew, took advantage and she got pregnant. Then instead of taking responsibility he has her leave and doesn't seem to care that there is a child out there that HE created.

 

It makes no difference what this woman's motivations were, your boyfriend has unprotected sex and got someone pregnant. That's on HIM.

 

I find it terrible that he doesn't seem to give a hoot that this child exists and he's not paying child support nor keeping in her life. She didn't ask to be born but she still deserves his support, even if it's just financial.

 

He doesn't sound like a nice man at all. Who get's a stranger pregnant (nevermind possible STD's and then doesn't take responsibility?)

 

That would seriously bother me if I were you.

Same. 15 years ago I met a guy at a religious retreat. On our first date he told me his ex girlfriend was pregnant and that he did not want to marry her (she would have married him). He was awkward about talking about responsibility and I gleaned that there was some trickery on her part (she was 40-ish and told him she was taking the birth control pill and she likely wasn't -but I emphasize that he refused to place blame). Anyway, his plan was to stay involved in the child's life. And he did as much as possible given that they were not together. And that is why I ended things. Because I realized I couldn't handle him being a new dad (including sleeping over at her place) and all that responsibility and I wasn't sure about stepmotherhood. But if he'd said he wasn't going to be involved in the child's life I would have been nauseated and that would have been our last date (and likely our last contact -not sure I could develop a friendship with a person who could do that to a child). His daughter is now a teenager. I see on Facebook and through my contact with him that he is very much involved in her life -and IMO that is how it should be if at all possible.

I shared this not to make it about me but to say I relate to the complexities. I cannot relate to a person abandoning his own child in the way he is. Your guy might be a "good person" in certain ways but he is leaving his daughter father-less on purpose. I also agree- hope that you don't "fall pregnant".

If she does, she won't be a little girl any more. It will be more than sixteen years from now, and I promise you your situation will look very different to today!

He's really irresponsible, that's the message you should get here.

 

He slept with a woman he barely knew, HE took advantage and she got pregnant. Then instead of taking responsibility he has her leave and doesn't seem to care that there is a child out there that HE created.

 

It makes no difference what this woman's motivations were, your boyfriend has unprotected sex and got someone pregnant. That's on HIM.

 

I find it terrible that he doesn't seem to give a hoot that this child exists and he's not paying child support nor keeping in her life. She didn't ask to be born but she still deserves his support, even if it's just financial.

 

He doesn't sound like a nice man at all. Who get's a stranger pregnant (nevermind possible STD's and then doesn't take responsibility?)

 

That would seriously bother me if I were you.[/quote

 

Did you read my other post?

 

I think you are being harsh but to be fair that’s your opinion but please read everything.