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Thread: He has a daughter....

  1. #11

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    They werenít trying but probably not preventing either...Iím not stupid I understand thereís two sides. Heís a good person and I donít doubt what heís told me.

  2. #12

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    True! I know I need to drop this and just be there for support if and when itís required. Thank you for your wise words.

  3. #13
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    I know a couple of guys who have got women pregnant (unplanned), been prepared to 'do the right thing' and stay with them, support them financially an' all that - and the woman has been happy to accept the finances collected by the Child Support Agency but otherwise wanted nothing to do with the guy involved, and certainly didn't want the child building up a relationship with the father. One of these guys in particular was really upset by it.

    I wouldn't necessarily rush to any judgment about men who have no contact with kids who've been conceived in the context of a casual relationship. At least, not without knowing the facts.

  4. #14

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    Yes your right. Just because heís not got contact initially this wasnít from lack of trying it was her decision.

    I suppose Iím thinking about the future. It will impact our family if this little girl decides to come to the UK and look for her dad. I of course will be willing and happy to welcome her but it wonít be easy. He seems to think this will never happen. Donít get me wrong itís not something we discuss all the time as it doesnít impact us.

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  6. #15
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    It will impact our family if this little girl decides to come to the UK and look for her dad.
    If she does, she won't be a little girl any more. It will be more than sixteen years from now, and I promise you your situation will look very different to today!

  7. #16

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    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    If she does, she won't be a little girl any more. It will be more than sixteen years from now, and I promise you your situation will look very different to today!
    True!! I know I need to just let this go in my head and enjoy what we have. Thank you for your advice.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    I know a couple of guys who have got women pregnant (unplanned), been prepared to 'do the right thing' and stay with them, support them financially an' all that - and the woman has been happy to accept the finances collected by the Child Support Agency but otherwise wanted nothing to do with the guy involved, and certainly didn't want the child building up a relationship with the father. One of these guys in particular was really upset by it.

    I wouldn't necessarily rush to any judgment about men who have no contact with kids who've been conceived in the context of a casual relationship. At least, not without knowing the facts.
    I completely agree with this, nutbrownhare. Each situation is different and has its own unique set of facts.

    I've known men in a similar situation. Mind you, there are legal avenues they could take to ensure their rights as a parent, that's until the child is old enough to decide for themselves whether they want to maintain a relationship with that parent. Although the end result is not always what that parent hoped for or wanted if they do take this route.

    But like with most things, its easy for those of us not in the situation to just judge without knowing the full story, which isn't right.

    Heck, I've known men with children going through divorces who got the ***** end of the stick.
    Last edited by milly007; 12-05-2018 at 01:04 PM.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Kb007
    I need to just get this out there as I feel I canít speak to anyone.

    Iím with the most amazing man and we have been together about a year and a half. We both have a son each from previous marriages. We are now living together and have take time to have our families bond and itís been great.

    However about 3 months into our relationship he came to me and told me he was falling in love with me so needed to tell me something.

    He then told me that about 2 years before me he dated a girl from Romania who had been working in the uk. She fell pregnant and they stopped dating as he felt she was using him to get pregnant however she moved away without him knowing where. Once his daughter was born he found out she was still local and she agreed he could come say goodbye and see her before she went back to Romania.

    Heís told me that it feels like he doesnít have a daughter as he doesnít know her but feels itís important to tell me. His mum and dad know and have mentioned it to me before.

    Now itís his past and I realise that everyone has a past. I canít help feel that this Romanian girl might have misused the situation and taken advantage of him or heís not telling me how serious they were. But we are fine and this hasnít caused an issue. Iíve told him in the future we will need to be prepared that she comes to look for him but he says that this wonít happen.

    What a situation eh?? I mean he says that it doesnít affect him as he doesnít know her and they have never had contact.

    I suppose I just needed to vent. Thanks for reading xx
    Kb007, how long ago did he disclose this to you?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    The literature likely varies, but I can't imagine it's terribly healthy for a developing child to have a parent whose presence extends to weekend Skype calls or once-a-year visits. And I doubt for the father, either. It's unfortunate and probably why you shouldn't knock someone up / get knocked up in such uncertain circumstances. Hopefully the child has the means for a stable upbringing despite the fact him being financially responsible for her and available should she want to pursue a relationship with him later in life is probably the best that can be done for his part. Perhaps you could judge the circumstances leading to the pregnancy to begin with, but I can't say as I think how events have followed have been inherently wrong.

    That said, baggage is baggage. He may be fine with it now, but it may be a source of anxiety or sadness in the future. It was a rough enough struggle for many guys back when being relegated to being a parent one day a week was the norm. Can't imagine when the kid is countries away. Unless this guy has some pretty powerful dissociation mechanisms, I'm sure he'll have rough patches in the future you'd need to be prepared for. Up to you what's worth it or not, and your decision would be fair either way. What isn't fair is sticking around if you'll only resent him for it.

  11. #20

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    He told me at the beginning of our relationship so itís not new. Iím here for him in the long haul and Iím going nowhere. Itís not something Iím resentful about just wanted to be able to chat to people I donít know about it... I suppose itís a way for me to talk and put it to bed.

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