What should I do?

Hi All, New member here, looking for some advice from some strangers who are impartial to my situation. Sorry for the long post.

I am with my boyfriend just over 12 years, it is not what you would call a normal relationship in any manner of speaking. We have not slept together in about 9 years, I am certainly not cheating on him and not been naive but I dont think he is cheating on me either, he never goes out to a pub or club or anything - just sits at home and drinks every night in the house by himself. We barely speak to one another and pretty much lead seperate lives. Most nights he gets so drunk he passes out on the couch downstairs and I come down to find him drunk and passed out on the couch and whatever porn he was watching left on the TV - I have said it on more than one occasion that its not fair on me coming down to see that on the TV and he just wont talk about it - always says he is embarresed so just wont discuss it. Last weekend i woke up at 7am on Sunday morning and went downstairs and he was sitting there awake still drinking and watching porn - I got really upset and just screamed at him that he disgusted me and ran back upstairs, of course he didnt try to follow me or anything and we havent spoken to each other since. Its just a horrible situation to be in - am I over reacting to him watching porn - do all guys do it? Should i accecpt it seeing as we dont have sex at all anymore - (the reason we dont have sex is because he drinks every night and in my opinion beer is more important to him than sleeping with me) its at the stage now where been honest I wouldnt want to sleep with him anymore - Im just scared to bring it up - and i dont understand how he cant see how bad the situation is - i just want it to be over but i am afraid to say anything - can anyone offer any advise?

He's an alcoholic and needs professional help. Does he work?

What has been keeping you for about 9 years in this no relationship? Was he always like this? Was there something that triggered it? Have you tried counselling? Do you ever do anything as a couple besides living under the same roof as roommates? Why do you keep up with this and are not thinking about leaving him for good? Are there kids involved?

I would be much more concerned with the fact he is an alcoholic and going to die. I would say go to a support group for partners of alcoholics and probably make plans to leave. People with addictions are not going to do things for other people . They can’t . The brain is so focused on the next fix that it can’t . People usually have to hit bottom and lose everything before they do anything about it . But it doesn’t mean you have to go down with the ship .

He's an alcoholic and needs professional help. Does he work?

 

What has been keeping you for about 9 years in this no relationship? Was he always like this? Was there something that triggered it? Have you tried counselling? Do you ever do anything as a couple besides living under the same roof as roommates? Why do you keep up with this and are not thinking about leaving him for good? Are there kids involved?

I have brought up the fact with him that he has a drink problem and his reply to me always is that his only problem with drink is that he doesnt get enough of it. Yes he does work but that doesnt stop him drinking all the time

As for what is keeping me in this relationship - i honestly dont know - i think part of me feels like i am responsible for him, he doesnt have any friends at all and he doesnt get on with his family so i am all he has ( even though i dont really have him) We never do anything as a couple as anything he wants to do involves drinking and i dont drink at all because of him and how much he drinks. We have no kids. I guess i know i need to get out but i am just afraid of the confortation of tell him it is over and asking him to leave - so fear really

You are not responsible for the fact he has no friends and doesn’t get along with his family. That is his issue to clear up .

You have codependent issues. I was never with an alcoholic but I had an ex who was abusive. I remained with him for a long time because I also felt responsible for him due to the fact that he didn't have close friends and had a difficult relationship with his family. It made me feel validated assuming the role of the martyr and "caregiver" but meanwhile I was getting abused, isolated from my own friends and family and leading a self destructive path for myself. I excused all of this with "love" and "I'm all he has". But in the end you're not responsible for the well being of a person that doesn't want to heal or be better. He doesn't want to change and he doesn't make an effort. It's not like his trying. So being that he's not going to change in the near future nor admits his problem and you'll keep on being miserable and you've already lost years being unhappy in an unfulfiling relationship I think you know what to do. But at the same time you probably feel that since you've already invested 12 years on this mess it's hard to leave. It's all you know but have no doubt that you can and should aim for much better.

You can't save him and are not responsible for him. A partner (you) is not a mother or a therapist. Take care of yourself.

I think the porn is just the tip of the iceberg. He’s drinking until he’s passed out and still up at 7am?

I recon he has issues and he’s not telling you about them. Something is going on and if he’s not willing to speak then I think you need to think about moving on a providing a better situation for you and your child.

You deserve better! That’s not healthy to live different lives and not be intimate for that length of time. I hope you work it out x

Sorry to hear this. Is it your house or his house? Do you work? What are your options for finding a happier life?

An alcoholics primary relationship is with alcohol. Everyone else is collateral damage, pawns and props. You along with everything and everyone in his life are secondary to alcohol. You believe you have a relationship with him. But you do not. You exist in his life to augment and assist in his drinking whether you like it or not.

Clearly nagging, threatening, ultimatums, etc do not and have never worked. You have most likely tried all of these and of course to no avail. That is because losing you is less important than removing alcohol from his life.

i think part of me feels like i am responsible for him, he doesnt have any friends at all and he doesnt get on with his family so i am all he has

OP you speak very casually about some very major problems in your relationship. You are in serious denial about his issues and yours at the moment... and enabling him to continue killing himself with alcohol.

The first step here is for YOU to get some help with your codependency. The fact that you have been completely willing to put up with these issues for YEARS is an indication of how low your self-esteem and self-worth is. Please consider getting some therapy and support for this so you can at least take better care of yourself in all of this.

I think the porn is just the tip of the iceberg. He’s drinking until he’s passed out and still up at 7am?

 

I recon he has issues and he’s not telling you about them. Something is going on and if he’s not willing to speak then I think you need to think about moving on a providing a better situation for you and your child.

 

You deserve better! That’s not healthy to live different lives and not be intimate for that length of time. I hope you work it out x

I understood there were no children.

Sorry to hear this. Is it your house or his house? Do you work? What are your options for finding a happier life?

 

An alcoholics primary relationship is with alcohol. Everyone else is collateral damage, pawns and props. You along with everything and everyone in his life are secondary to alcohol. You believe you have a relationship with him. But you do not. You exist in his life to augment and assist in his drinking whether you like it or not.

 

Clearly nagging, threatening, ultimatums, etc do not and have never worked. You have most likely tried all of these and of course to no avail. That is because losing you is less important than removing alcohol from his life.

Its my house and he lives with me. We both work full time. I have no doubt in my mind that the alcohol is the most important thing in his life, far more important than me - i am just scared to address the issues with him - I am afraid of how he may react whenever I plucked up the courage to tell him to go

OP you speak very casually about some very major problems in your relationship. You are in serious denial about his issues and yours at the moment... and enabling him to continue killing himself with alcohol.

 

The first step here is for YOU to get some help with your codependency. The fact that you have been completely willing to put up with these issues for YEARS is an indication of how low your self-esteem and self-worth is. Please consider getting some therapy and support for this so you can at least take better care of yourself in all of this.

I dont think i am in denial - i fully understand how unhealthy and messed up my situation is - i know how bad it is for my mental health. I have tried many times to talk to him about the amount he drinks but he just laughs at me - he doesnt think he has a problem and no matter how many times i say he does he wont listen, he just wont admit it. I def think the codependency thing makes sense - like deep down i know i am not responsible but yet there is part of me that keeps screaming at me that i am - i dont want to feel that way, maybe counselling is the best thing for me to get over that part. As for my self worth - you are correct - i have none at all - i keep thinking that im been treated like this by him because thats all i deserve and i know thats personal issues of my own that i need to address. I do know i need to split from him but I am afraid of him and what he may do when i tell him

I understood there were no children.

We dont have any children, not sure what made previous poster thing we did

You have codependent issues. You can't save him and are not responsible for him. A partner (you) is not a mother or a therapist. Take care of yourself.

BINGO! This is the very definition of co-dependency (which is not a good thing).

You are NOT responsible for him. He's an adult and as you have seen for the last 9 yrs - he is going to make his own decisions for himself. It is not UP to you what he should or should not do - it's his life.

YOU are only responsible for determining whether you want this to be your life or not. If YES, then accept it and stay. If NO, then end it and leave.

Life is hard enough just making OUR OWN lives ffulfilling and successful. don't take on that responsibility for somebody else's life!

It's been 9 yrs. This is him. This is what life wit him will be and continue to be. The porn is of minor concern b/c let's pretend he wasn't watching porn but doing the rest - how different is it then? Not much. The choice is yours. ALL yours. Choose wisely and move on - either accepting this life with him, or saying your life needs to be something else.

Good luck.

Reading this broke my heart.

You must be so unhappy in this.

Like a lot of people said he is an alcoholic. I know you feel responsible for him but he will never ever change.

The longer you stay. The more he will drink. The more he will drink. The sooner he'll die.

Staying or leaving. It will end the same way.

He needs support. He needs AA.

You need your life back. You won't see it. But you do. He has drained every ounce of you.

But people with addiction do that to you.

My aunt who has been sober for 23 years has said. She couldn't be helped. She had to want it for herself.

My mum felt so responsible for my aunt and her daughter. But no amount of support helped my aunt.

My cousin ended up in care. My aunt got bitter and nasty with the drink and didn't let my mum have my cousin.

My aunt said the only thing that pulled her together was she wanted to be better for her daughter. So she did!

Your bf literally has nothing to make him want to be better.

You staying there is feeding this habbit.

If my mum got custody of my cousin. My aunt would have kept drinking and she wouldn't be here today. It's because she knew she was in care.

You have to decide how much you want to better yourself. You are no different than your bf. You staying is no different than an addiction.

Sorry I've gone off the plot. But that story of my aunt helps you see you can only change if you want to change.

Your bf hasn't changed in the last 9 years. Let's me honest he probably won't. That's not your problem. You have to be strong and change.

Who knows seeing you change may make him want to change.

No guarantee but in this whole situation you are the most important person.

Thing about YOU!

Unfortunately it sounds like you are afraid of being alone, afraid of change and afraid of being able to afford your house without him. He will not change and will continue to drink and his health and mental state will continue to deteriorate. Stop wasting your time and energy nagging him about drinking. It's you who needs to change and take action. He's happy being drunk and taking up space in your house.

Invest your time with a therapist, a check up from a physician to assess your depression and inertia, Al Anon meetings to understand why you accept a drunk in your life, and a consultation with a real estate attorney to find the best solution to extricating him from your house and perhaps finding a tenant/roommate to help defray costs and for some company.

Fix you, not him. There is no future here except attending the funeral when he dies in a car crash, of cirrhosis, etc.

I have tried many times to talk to him about the amount he drinks but he just laughs at me. I do know i need to split from him but I am afraid of him and what he may do when i tell him