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Thread: What should I do?

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear this. Is it your house or his house? Do you work? What are your options for finding a happier life?

    An alcoholics primary relationship is with alcohol. Everyone else is collateral damage, pawns and props. You along with everything and everyone in his life are secondary to alcohol. You believe you have a relationship with him. But you do not. You exist in his life to augment and assist in his drinking whether you like it or not.

    Clearly nagging, threatening, ultimatums, etc do not and have never worked. You have most likely tried all of these and of course to no avail. That is because losing you is less important than removing alcohol from his life.
    Its my house and he lives with me. We both work full time. I have no doubt in my mind that the alcohol is the most important thing in his life, far more important than me - i am just scared to address the issues with him - I am afraid of how he may react whenever I plucked up the courage to tell him to go

  2. #12
    Originally Posted by maew
    OP you speak very casually about some very major problems in your relationship. You are in serious denial about his issues and yours at the moment... and enabling him to continue killing himself with alcohol.

    The first step here is for YOU to get some help with your codependency. The fact that you have been completely willing to put up with these issues for YEARS is an indication of how low your self-esteem and self-worth is. Please consider getting some therapy and support for this so you can at least take better care of yourself in all of this.
    I dont think i am in denial - i fully understand how unhealthy and messed up my situation is - i know how bad it is for my mental health. I have tried many times to talk to him about the amount he drinks but he just laughs at me - he doesnt think he has a problem and no matter how many times i say he does he wont listen, he just wont admit it. I def think the codependency thing makes sense - like deep down i know i am not responsible but yet there is part of me that keeps screaming at me that i am - i dont want to feel that way, maybe counselling is the best thing for me to get over that part. As for my self worth - you are correct - i have none at all - i keep thinking that im been treated like this by him because thats all i deserve and i know thats personal issues of my own that i need to address. I do know i need to split from him but I am afraid of him and what he may do when i tell him

  3. #13
    Originally Posted by Annia
    I understood there were no children.
    We dont have any children, not sure what made previous poster thing we did

  4. #14
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Originally Posted by Annia
    You have codependent issues. You can't save him and are not responsible for him. A partner (you) is not a mother or a therapist. Take care of yourself.
    BINGO! This is the very definition of co-dependency (which is not a good thing).

    You are NOT responsible for him. He's an adult and as you have seen for the last 9 yrs - he is going to make his own decisions for himself. It is not UP to you what he should or should not do - it's his life.
    YOU are only responsible for determining whether you want this to be your life or not. If YES, then accept it and stay. If NO, then end it and leave.

    Life is hard enough just making OUR OWN lives ffulfilling and successful. don't take on that responsibility for somebody else's life!

    It's been 9 yrs. This is him. This is what life wit him will be and continue to be. The porn is of minor concern b/c let's pretend he wasn't watching porn but doing the rest - how different is it then? Not much. The choice is yours. ALL yours. Choose wisely and move on - either accepting this life with him, or saying your life needs to be something else.

    Good luck.


  6. #15
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Out of this world!
    Reading this broke my heart.

    You must be so unhappy in this.

    Like a lot of people said he is an alcoholic. I know you feel responsible for him but he will never ever change.

    The longer you stay. The more he will drink. The more he will drink. The sooner he'll die.

    Staying or leaving. It will end the same way.

    He needs support. He needs AA.

    You need your life back. You won't see it. But you do. He has drained every ounce of you.

    But people with addiction do that to you.

    My aunt who has been sober for 23 years has said. She couldn't be helped. She had to want it for herself.

    My mum felt so responsible for my aunt and her daughter. But no amount of support helped my aunt.

    My cousin ended up in care. My aunt got bitter and nasty with the drink and didn't let my mum have my cousin.

    My aunt said the only thing that pulled her together was she wanted to be better for her daughter. So she did!

    Your bf literally has nothing to make him want to be better.

    You staying there is feeding this habbit.

    If my mum got custody of my cousin. My aunt would have kept drinking and she wouldn't be here today. It's because she knew she was in care.

    You have to decide how much you want to better yourself. You are no different than your bf. You staying is no different than an addiction.

    Sorry I've gone off the plot. But that story of my aunt helps you see you can only change if you want to change.

    Your bf hasn't changed in the last 9 years. Let's me honest he probably won't. That's not your problem. You have to be strong and change.

    Who knows seeing you change may make him want to change.

    No guarantee but in this whole situation you are the most important person.

    Thing about YOU!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    Unfortunately it sounds like you are afraid of being alone, afraid of change and afraid of being able to afford your house without him. He will not change and will continue to drink and his health and mental state will continue to deteriorate. Stop wasting your time and energy nagging him about drinking. It's you who needs to change and take action. He's happy being drunk and taking up space in your house.

    Invest your time with a therapist, a check up from a physician to assess your depression and inertia, Al Anon meetings to understand why you accept a drunk in your life, and a consultation with a real estate attorney to find the best solution to extricating him from your house and perhaps finding a tenant/roommate to help defray costs and for some company.

    Fix you, not him. There is no future here except attending the funeral when he dies in a car crash, of cirrhosis, etc.
    Originally Posted by WhadDoIDo
    I have tried many times to talk to him about the amount he drinks but he just laughs at me. I do know i need to split from him but I am afraid of him and what he may do when i tell him

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