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Thread: ex wants to get back together

  1. #1

    ex wants to get back together

    hello, this is my first time here and I am really hoping to get some perspective on my situation. my ex boyfriend and I have been broken up for a few months now (he dumped me), and on saturday he called me and confessed that he wanted to get back together. he was very emotional and it was very clear that he is still very much in love with me. which was an absolute shock to me, because for around the first 8 weeks following our separation, I made it fairly evident that I still wanted to be with him, but not once did he do the same even though we were still in contact. at the time of the break-up, his reasoning was that the geological distance between us was beginning to take a toll on him, but on the phone he said that he was just going through a really tough time and felt he needed to be alone. I believe that, but it still doesn't make much sense as to why he wouldn't just tell me that at the time?

    so anyway, he's coming in a few days so we can talk about things in person. I'm not sure what to do. I've spent our time apart trying to heal and move on obviously (as I NEVER believed us getting back together was an option), and part of that has been convincing myself that our break-up was for the best. so how could I now just disregard all of that? I do still love him a lot and can still see us together, but at the same time, I don't believe my feelings for him are 100% as strong as they once were. but maybe that's because I just haven't seen him in so long? and that doesn't mean they couldn't easily come back?

    I know that no matter what happens when we see each other, I am not going to jump back into anything so suddenly. I realize reconciliation takes a lot of work and a lot of honest communication. but I am still very conflicted and kind of at a loss on how to feel. any help would be greatly appreciated.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member
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    Was the distance the onl;y thing you split up over? What is the distance? It's still going to remain. Possible he met someone else and it didnt work out and now wants to come back. Hard to say without more details.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    lets stop talking about what your ex-bf wants.
    what do YOU want?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
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    Keep in mind he's been without you for a few months, so had the opportunity to miss you and long for you.

    Longing for someone you don't have is a very powerful emotion, but it is different from loving that person; longing is craving, obsessing over what you don't have, loving is the caring and nurturing of what you do have, the latter of which he did not do while in the RL - to the contrary, he left it, destroyed it.

    This is one reason why I don't advocate getting back to together, there are always exceptions but the feelings don't tend to be genuine. Oh the person wanting to get back together believes they are, but once back the same issues that broke you up the first time tend to return.

    At first he told you it was the distance, then he told you he was going through a tough time and needed to be alone.

    So which is it? If it's the latter, what changed? What was this "tough" time he was going through that he needed to be alone? And what made him suddenly realize he no longer wants to be alone?

    These are hard questions you need to ask, and consider his responses to.

    If this were me, I wouldn't trust him or his feelings, which again is one reason why I tend to not return to relationships once they're over.

    Your call though, but be careful. He could be one of those guys who wants what he doesn't have or any other number of things including another woman that didn't work out.

    Edit: My ex (six years together) wanted to get back with me too, after he completed rehab, approx. 6 months after we broke up. After considering it carefully, too much had gone down between us, and I no longer trusted him, so I couldn't.

    Since then we have both found other people who are frankly a better fit, and speaking only for myself, I am much happier.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    How long were you guys together? And has it always been long distance?

  7. #6
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    I have to second katrina here.

    Also, there is not a lot of information about the state of the relationship in your post. Was the breakup a surprise or was conflict evident? Have you always been long-distance or recently transitioned? How old are the two of you?

    Typically, getting back together with previous partners does not work. Especially if one or both partners doesn't have a firm understanding of why the relationship ended, isn't taking responsibility for their part in the breakup, or hasn't changed in some way for the better. Try to think wisely about the decision, taking into account both your emotions and the facts of the situation. You may really want to be with your boyfriend again, but it doesn't necessarily make it the right decision.

  8. #7
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    Like others posted it depends on what you broke up about and if it genuinely was just the distance. If it was... Wouldn't it still be an issue and take a toll on him again?

    Also really depends on what you want. You are essentially in the driving seat right now. Have a really good think about it all. Like you said you have spent a lot of time healing. Try not to undo your hard work.

    Trusting someone again after a break up is hard. You'll have to put a lot of hard work. You seem very aware of that. So that's good you won't be going into it blind.

    I know you said you feel you don't feel the same. But once you see each other those feeling with flood back. Try not to let it cloud your judgement.

    I think you are right in thinking of not rushing into anything.

    Meet him. Talk to him. Let him go home. And sit back and think it all through.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He wants a local hookup. Don't take the bait. As soon as he leaves he'll be "stressed" by the distance again. If he dumped you and could live without you for mos, why is he suddenly contacting you? It sounds like he broke up with whoever he dumped you for or is having a dry spell. Do what is best for you, not what's best for him.
    Originally Posted by sunshine32
    he's coming in a few days so we can talk about things in person.


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