Hurt by my husband. Separate or stay together?

Hi everyone,

Before I talk about a situation that deeply hurt my feelings, I'd like to provide a brief background on my relationship.

Me and my husband were together for 4 years. We meet when he was in college and I just moved to the US. We started spending a lot of time together and our relationship got more serious. I was learning English and applied to colleges to transfer my classes to finish my degree while he was a student in top 3 schools in the country. By the time I graduated he was already done with school, and both of us moved to a different city. I was an international student and my work permission was expiring, so we decided to get married and have a wedding in a year or so.

Here we are right now, a married couple. I left my job a while ago and can't find a new one bc my work permission is going to expire soon, and it's unclear when I'll get a new one. My husband spilled a word that he's not happy with the way I spend my time. I asked him what he means but he never explained, so we were having this tension between us for a while. I might have done a thing that is 100% wrong but I read what he wrote in his diary about me. He was saying that he thinks of me as a housewife not necessarily a partner, that I clean too much instead of doing useful things just like my mother whom he thinks of as an obsessive cleaned and a housewife as well. The whole time throughout our relationship he was really supportive, loving and compassionate as he is right now, but I wish he told me the truth. He loves my family so much, so knowing the way he actually thinks is a huge shock for me.

I know it was wrong of me to read it but at least now we are honest with each other bc I'm going to admit that I read his diary.

I can't spend my live with a person who thinks of me and my family this way. I need your advice. Thank you so much for reading this

Do you do anything besides clean the house? Do you nag him about cleaning? Do you spend time with him?

You have already said this, so I won't harp too much on it: It was wrong to read his diary.

Everyone uses their diaries (if they have one) differently. Sometimes we write things we feel 100% of the time. Sometimes we vent frustrations that we don't really mean, at least not fully. Just because he wrote it down in a moment of frustration does not mean that he thinks that of you, period.

To me, the bigger red flags are: you felt the need to invade your husband's privacy, and you believe what he wrote down over his otherwise compassionate and loving behaviors to you and your family. To me, this shows you do not fully trust him in the first place, and anything you found in his diary would show you something to prove your distrust.

You are going through a stressful time - you have to wait for circumstances to shift before you can work again, which can make anyone feel very insecure and restless. You need to investigate what you want to do with your life in order to feel better and be a more stable partner to your husband.

As for whether or not to stay together -- if you are questioning your marriage to this extent, you need to discuss this with a therapist and get to the bottom of what's really going on. No one can tell you to leave him over this - he was (and is) allowed to vent his worries, frustrations and feelings down in his diary without having to worry about hurting your feelings or having them read in the first place.

Of course. I have a real estate business, just launched my new product online, take various classes, read and many other things. I focused on cleaning in my message bc this was the issue between us. I do ask him to clean and cook, and he does all of those things. And yes we spend a lot of time together

There seems to be poor communication and resentment. What he told you and what he wrote in his journal is the same thing. He's not happy with you just hanging around the house bored, not working, not improving your life. You know the answer and what to do. Get out of the house.

Start looking for work more diligently. Every day you should be sending out a resume, going on interviews. Also do something other than clean all day. Go out and take some courses classes, join some groups and clubs, perhaps with people from your country/culture/language. Go online and start looking to make your life better.

Do more with your life. He resents supporting you while you just clean house all day and have stopped doing anything to further yourself or keep yourself interesting.

I was an international student and my work permission was expiring, so we decided to get married and have a wedding in a year or so. My husband spilled a word that he's not happy with the way I spend my time. I asked him what he means but he never explained, so we were having this tension between us for a while.

Thanks for your response. It was correct of you to say that I don’t fully trust him. It started recently when he would spill a few words that he is unhappy about something but then say never mind, everything is good.

A lot of work on building trust needs to be done here.

Thanks again for your advice.

I appreciate your response. You can read my previous comment that explains what I do for work and outside of work.

Of course. I have a real estate business, just launched my new product online, take various classes, read and many other things. I focused on cleaning in my message bc this was the issue between us. I do ask him to clean and cook, and he does all of those things. And yes we spend a lot of time together

Is your husband a US citizen? If the two of you got married, you need to amend your visa status and file for a spousal visa which should lead to a permanent green card.

Do you normally have such dramatic over the top reactions to things? That might explain why your husband doesn't share with you how he really feels about things. Better be quiet and relatively happy than have crazy level of drama with you and fighting.

He is entitled to vent his frustrations how he sees fit. It doesn't need to involve you. As you know, you had no business reading his diary. Your reaction to what you read is really inappropriate and dramatic. Diaries are safe places for many people to vent, but it doesn't mean that they need to share their thoughts with you. It's precisely a safe and quiet private space. If he doesn't feel it's worth arguing with you, he can vent and let go that way. You invaded his private thoughts and now you want to use that as a weapon against him. That will not improve your marriage and certainly will do nothing to improve communication between the two of you.

I think before you point a finger at him, take a good look at yourself and how you react to anything - comments, criticism, etc. If your reactions are disproportionate, defensive, otherwise difficult on the person trying to talk to you, then don't be surprised that people will step around that. It might be on you to fix some issues on your end in order to improve communication.

Did you get married primarily so you could stay in the U.S.?

If you hadn't gotten married, would you have had to go back home?

Who is supporting you? Are you making money in these startups/pursuits? Perhaps these ventures is what he meant by "how you spend your time" in addition to cleaning. He made a derogatory comment about you being an unambitious clean freak housewife like your mother. While painful to read. absorb it and reflect on what you want to do with your life. Better communication would help.

Of course. I have a real estate business, just launched my new product online I do ask him to clean and cook, and he does all of those things.

i’m confused as to what it is you are doing and what it is he wants.

- is he saying you are doing too many house chores? or not enough?

- are you primarily doing house chores or focusing on a career/business?

my only guess is... you are doing a little bit of everything, but not enough of certain things - so maybe you clean a little but not enough to keep a clean house, you dabble in real estate and a business - but aren’t really making any income from it, you are taking classes to learn things - but are not actively earning any particular degree to pursue or the classes are not related to your business.

it this sounds familiar, then his frustrations are that you are dilly-dallying and keeping busy, but not really accomplishing anything... and he wants a little help in running a household and getting something done for the household’s sake.

 

He was saying that he thinks of me as a housewife not necessarily a partner, that I clean too much instead of doing useful things just like my mother whom he thinks of as an obsessive cleaned and a housewife as well. The whole time throughout our relationship he was really supportive, loving and compassionate as he is right now, but I wish he told me the truth. He loves my family so much, so knowing the way he actually thinks is a huge shock for me.

 

I know it was wrong of me to read it but at least now we are honest with each other bc I'm going to admit that I read his diary.

 

I can't spend my live with a person who thinks of me and my family this way. I need your advice. Thank you so much for reading this

It sounds to me that you are obsessively cleaning the house as your primary goal - you are acting like a maid and not a wife.

Yes, if you are not working, and he is, you should do more housework for sure, but what about NOT cleaning while he is home - actually sitting down and spending time together. Maybe while you are at home, think of a restaurant or movie, or park you might like to go to on a date. Do you go to the grocery store, or does he do that? Also, its good to do things so you have something to talk about with eachother at the end of the day, as well

I asked him what he means but he never explained, so we were having this tension between us for a while.

This is the stuff I'd turn into a negotiation rather than let it drop. Instead of nagging him to cough up a criticism, I'd tell him that this sounds like something we can work out. If he's willing to tell me what it is that I do or don't do that he'd like to see changed, I'm willing to consider that AND offer him something else of value to him for letting me know.

I'd ask husband for one touch-base session a week, say every Thursday night over a glass of wine, to take turns discussing our week and raising anything we want to resolve with one another. Rules are that neither can interrupt the other, and we also use the time to create 'bribe' lists of the things we value from one another and can use to negotiate trades.

Successful couples negotiate all the time. They learn not to be mind readers, but they also learn not to take requests for changes as anything to punish the other for.

If you're not in the habit of communicating with husband in ways that encourage rather than discourage him from speaking his mind, that's the thing I'd work on changing.

I'm always perplexed by people who can just clean a home and cook without kids in the picture, pretending like that's an honest day's work. Give me a four bedroom home and it'll be deep cleaned, buffed, and waxed in two hours, three if you want me on my knees scrubbing corners. Give me another hour and I'll have a decent meal prepped. Obviously you're not tasking yourself enough if you've got time to invade his privacy, so I'd consider taking his words to heart and doing something productive about it.

btw, if you read his diary -- YOU are the one who hurt your husband, he didn't hurt YOU

Hi Living,

You obviously are doing many things at one time. You are going through a stressful time with the possibility of losing permission to work. The stress might be causing you to overreact to the journal entry.

I am sorry to hear you don't trust him. Are the two of you able to communicate in a calm manner? If you get upset every time he tries to tell you how he feels, he may be reluctant to discuss things with you. Good luck on your work permit!

If I were you reading this thread, I would just focus on what catfeeder is saying. Catfeeder is usually spot on and wise.

I think that if your husband loves you and is supportive of you as a person, which it sounds like he is, then he would be interested and compassionate to hear how you feel. There have been times in my marriage when my husband was not happy with me, with how I spent my time, etc. And rather than trying to figure out exactly what he was dissatisfied about, and then trying to "fix" myself to please him or whatever "wise man" seemed to be suggesting, I did this instead and it helped me. It may help you too. I told him that I wanted to talk to him about some things I had on my mind lately. We went out to dinner and I told him honestly how I'd been feeling lately and my motivations for what I'd been doing or not doing. I told him what I wanted, my anxieties, etc. I'd been feeling scattered and anxious and confused. I had been feeling like things weren't satisfying me lately and I told him that I worried about being a good productive person. So you can tell your husband what's going on with you lately, how you are feeling about looking for work, about your businesses, and what you want, and why you clean the way you do. If he understands what you want out of life and your motivations for doing things, maybe then, hopefully, not only will he be more understanding and forgiving of your behaviors but he will also be able to help you get what you want. For example, I used to stress about certain little things only because it gave me a distraction from tackling the bigger issues in my life. And when my husband knew this about me, and he saw me stressing about those little things, he could remind me and help me get back on track, and encourage me to tackle the bigger issues.

Catfeeder, what do you think?

If I were you reading this thread, I would just focus on what catfeeder is saying. Catfeeder is usually spot on and wise.

 

I think that if your husband loves you and is supportive of you as a person, which it sounds like he is, then he would be interested and compassionate to hear how you feel. There have been times in my marriage when my husband was not happy with me, with how I spent my time, etc. And rather than trying to figure out exactly what he was dissatisfied about, and then trying to "fix" myself to please him or whatever "wise man" seemed to be suggesting, I did this instead and it helped me. It may help you too. I told him that I wanted to talk to him about some things I had on my mind lately. We went out to dinner and I told him honestly how I'd been feeling lately and my motivations for what I'd been doing or not doing. I told him what I wanted, my anxieties, etc. I'd been feeling scattered and anxious and confused. I had been feeling like things weren't satisfying me lately and I told him that I worried about being a good productive person. So you can tell your husband what's going on with you lately, how you are feeling about looking for work, about your businesses, and what you want, and why you clean the way you do. If he understands what you want out of life and your motivations for doing things, maybe then, hopefully, not only will he be more understanding and forgiving of your behaviors but he will also be able to help you get what you want. For example, I used to stress about certain little things only because it gave me a distraction from tackling the bigger issues in my life. And when my husband knew this about me, and he saw me stressing about those little things, he could remind me and help me get back on track, and encourage me to tackle the bigger issues.

 

Catfeeder, what do you think?

Hi Living,

I agree with both Catfeeder and Rihannon. Setting aside a time to talk with each other once a week sounds like a great idea. Then you can let him know how anxious you are about the possibility of losing your work permit.

 

Catfeeder, what do you think?

I think you're a luv, and you and Writinggal are both living in the real world where there's actual care, concern and communication in your relationships.