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Thread: Hurt by my husband. Separate or stay together?

  1. #1

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    Hurt by my husband. Separate or stay together?

    Hi everyone,

    Before I talk about a situation that deeply hurt my feelings, I'd like to provide a brief background on my relationship.
    Me and my husband were together for 4 years. We meet when he was in college and I just moved to the US. We started spending a lot of time together and our relationship got more serious. I was learning English and applied to colleges to transfer my classes to finish my degree while he was a student in top 3 schools in the country. By the time I graduated he was already done with school, and both of us moved to a different city. I was an international student and my work permission was expiring, so we decided to get married and have a wedding in a year or so.

    Here we are right now, a married couple. I left my job a while ago and can't find a new one bc my work permission is going to expire soon, and it's unclear when I'll get a new one. My husband spilled a word that he's not happy with the way I spend my time. I asked him what he means but he never explained, so we were having this tension between us for a while. I might have done a thing that is 100% wrong but I read what he wrote in his diary about me. He was saying that he thinks of me as a housewife not necessarily a partner, that I clean too much instead of doing useful things just like my mother whom he thinks of as an obsessive cleaned and a housewife as well. The whole time throughout our relationship he was really supportive, loving and compassionate as he is right now, but I wish he told me the truth. He loves my family so much, so knowing the way he actually thinks is a huge shock for me.

    I know it was wrong of me to read it but at least now we are honest with each other bc I'm going to admit that I read his diary.

    I can't spend my live with a person who thinks of me and my family this way. I need your advice. Thank you so much for reading this

  2. #2
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Hurt by my husband. Separate or stay together?

    Do you do anything besides clean the house? Do you nag him about cleaning? Do you spend time with him?

  3. #3
    Gold Member leseine7's Avatar
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    You have already said this, so I won't harp too much on it: It was wrong to read his diary.

    Everyone uses their diaries (if they have one) differently. Sometimes we write things we feel 100% of the time. Sometimes we vent frustrations that we don't really mean, at least not fully. Just because he wrote it down in a moment of frustration does not mean that he thinks that of you, period.

    To me, the bigger red flags are: you felt the need to invade your husband's privacy, and you believe what he wrote down over his otherwise compassionate and loving behaviors to you and your family. To me, this shows you do not fully trust him in the first place, and anything you found in his diary would show you something to prove your distrust.

    You are going through a stressful time - you have to wait for circumstances to shift before you can work again, which can make anyone feel very insecure and restless. You need to investigate what you want to do with your life in order to feel better and be a more stable partner to your husband.
    As for whether or not to stay together -- if you are questioning your marriage to this extent, you need to discuss this with a therapist and get to the bottom of what's really going on. No one can tell you to leave him over this - he was (and is) allowed to vent his worries, frustrations and feelings down in his diary without having to worry about hurting your feelings or having them read in the first place.

  4. #4

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    Of course. I have a real estate business, just launched my new product online, take various classes, read and many other things. I focused on cleaning in my message bc this was the issue between us. I do ask him to clean and cook, and he does all of those things. And yes we spend a lot of time together

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There seems to be poor communication and resentment. What he told you and what he wrote in his journal is the same thing. He's not happy with you just hanging around the house bored, not working, not improving your life. You know the answer and what to do. Get out of the house.

    Start looking for work more diligently. Every day you should be sending out a resume, going on interviews. Also do something other than clean all day. Go out and take some courses classes, join some groups and clubs, perhaps with people from your country/culture/language. Go online and start looking to make your life better.

    Do more with your life. He resents supporting you while you just clean house all day and have stopped doing anything to further yourself or keep yourself interesting.
    Originally Posted by Living
    I was an international student and my work permission was expiring, so we decided to get married and have a wedding in a year or so. My husband spilled a word that he's not happy with the way I spend my time. I asked him what he means but he never explained, so we were having this tension between us for a while.

  7. #6

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    Thanks for your response. It was correct of you to say that I donít fully trust him. It started recently when he would spill a few words that he is unhappy about something but then say never mind, everything is good.
    A lot of work on building trust needs to be done here.

    Thanks again for your advice.

  8. #7

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    I appreciate your response. You can read my previous comment that explains what I do for work and outside of work.

  9. #8

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    Of course. I have a real estate business, just launched my new product online, take various classes, read and many other things. I focused on cleaning in my message bc this was the issue between us. I do ask him to clean and cook, and he does all of those things. And yes we spend a lot of time together

  10. #9
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    Is your husband a US citizen? If the two of you got married, you need to amend your visa status and file for a spousal visa which should lead to a permanent green card.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Do you normally have such dramatic over the top reactions to things? That might explain why your husband doesn't share with you how he really feels about things. Better be quiet and relatively happy than have crazy level of drama with you and fighting.

    He is entitled to vent his frustrations how he sees fit. It doesn't need to involve you. As you know, you had no business reading his diary. Your reaction to what you read is really inappropriate and dramatic. Diaries are safe places for many people to vent, but it doesn't mean that they need to share their thoughts with you. It's precisely a safe and quiet private space. If he doesn't feel it's worth arguing with you, he can vent and let go that way. You invaded his private thoughts and now you want to use that as a weapon against him. That will not improve your marriage and certainly will do nothing to improve communication between the two of you.

    I think before you point a finger at him, take a good look at yourself and how you react to anything - comments, criticism, etc. If your reactions are disproportionate, defensive, otherwise difficult on the person trying to talk to you, then don't be surprised that people will step around that. It might be on you to fix some issues on your end in order to improve communication.

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