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Masturbating to other people


Theblackduck

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So the other day I was watching TV with my gf. She asked if I masturbated to people who weren’t her... (I categorically stated it wasn’t her friends or anyone either of us knows or knew personally)... I’m talking celebrities, movie stars, models etc. I’ve been, completely honest with her from the start of our relationship so I was honest about this too. Maybe I’m wrong to do that ...

 

Anyway, so she’s now upset I said yes, I would think of other women whilst masturbating and can’t seem to get over the thought of me picturing other people and not her, (although I do and have said so, that I think of her too).

 

She thinks it’s wrong, disgusting, immoral. She said it makes her feel disgusting. She thinks it’s weird I still masturbate in the relationship anyway.

 

Any ideas how to diffuse this? Am I wrong? Is she wrong? What can I do to calm her down?

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How old is she? This sounds like quite an immature conversation. Is she particularly religious or frigid or conservative about this? Without knowing the real issue, you won't be able to "diffuse it". Is it jealousy? Prudishness? How is your sex life?

 

Stop the ridiculous TMI dressed up as "completely honesty". Learn tact and diplomacy and when to simply keep your mouth shut and change the subject. Just let it blow over and most of all stop the TMI and ridiculous topics such as "who do you masturbate to"? Try to elevate your conversation above the frat house. Learn to deflect defuse and find better answers , change the subject etc.

She asked if I masturbated to people who weren’t her. I’m talking celebrities, movie stars, models etc. I’ve been, completely honest with her from the start of our relationship so I was honest about this too.

 

She thinks it’s wrong, disgusting, immoral. She said it makes her feel disgusting. She thinks it’s weird I still masturbate in the relationship anyway.

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Yes, it all sounds very silly. Though I can see that couples who really feel secure with each other might ask that question out of curiosity, or even share their sexual fantasies.

 

I'm a great believer in not asking questions if you don't want to hear the answer, but people do this... and in that context, there's nothing wrong with denying it altogether. It's not as if it has any detrimental effect on your relationship, or is anything she needs to know.

 

There's not a lot you can do to resolve the situation, other than leave it to blow over. She shouldn't have asked the question, and you shouldn't have given her the answer.

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How old is she?

 

She has NO REASON to be upset, as it is normal. Is she always so insecure? I am wondering how good your sex life is?

 

Do not try to calm her down, as she is the one that is in the wrong. If you do, you will be enabling her ridiculous behavior.

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She thinks it’s weird I still masturbate in the relationship anyway.
Imagine if a man said this to a woman. Your lady's got problems, hopefully with youth as a bad excuse for it.

 

Honestly, I'm elated that you answered her goofy ass question honestly. Saves you the trouble of guarding your search history should you accidentally neglect in cognito mode while having the misfortune of dating someone who would ask and raise a stink over such a question. And it's probably best you don't catch yourself in a dynamic where you've gotta protect her from herself. No, don't be having dinner with her only to blurt out, "lol guess who I beat off to earlier this week," but you're under no obligation, even out of practicality, to lie to her or to suffer the same fallout by refusing to answer.

 

This was quite clearly a no-win situation. It's not about a lack of tact for your part. It's simply a question a grown and emotionally mature woman isn't going to ask in the first place, at least not if she doesn't want to hear the answer or not without an actual purpose. Don't catch yourself lowering expectations of women as adults (or at the very least peers, should the former not be the case here). I might half respect your girlfriend even if it were a deal-breaker and thus she actually treated it as such and left you. But nah, apparently she's fine hanging around and brooding, calling your actions "immoral, disgusting, and wrong," going as far as to shame you for masturbating at all. I know where I'd be were I in your shoes.

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Yeah, being honest in a relationship doesn't mean answering every single question thrown your way or saying things that will hurt your partner. You have to be diplomatic and think of the consequences. You should have said you don't fantasize about anyone else but her. Or better yet that you don't do it anymore. But anyways, you fell into her trap.

 

So now you've got to say a lot of nice things to her, such as there's no one else but her in your life, and that you're sorry you hurt her, and so on. She may come around eventually after being mad on you for a while.

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Yeah, being honest in a relationship doesn't mean answering every single question thrown your way or saying things that will hurt your partner. You have to be diplomatic and think of the consequences. You should have said you don't fantasize about anyone else but her. Or better yet that you don't do it anymore. But anyways, you fell into her trap.

 

So now you've got to say a lot of nice things to her, such as there's no one else but her in your life, and that you're sorry you hurt her, and so on. She may come around eventually after being mad on you for a while.

He should not have to lie. She should not have been asking the question.

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He should not have to lie. She should not have been asking the question.

 

Agree with Holls but to add she should not have asked the question, if she was gonna berate and shame you for your answer.

 

Which you had no way of knowing she would do, so answered honestly.

 

Only to be shamed and berated for it.

 

Another woman (more open minded, more secure) may have been turned on by it!

 

Apparently since she's still there, your answer was not a deal breaker, however there is nothing stopping you from considering her poor attitude a deal breaker.

 

Not the fact she's against masturbation while in a relationship, but the way she shyt-tested you, and then shaming you when she didn't get the desired response.

 

This type of woman does not bode well for a LTR Imo.

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Agree with Holls but to add she should not have asked the question, if she was gonna berate and shame you for your answer.

 

Which you had no way of knowing she would do, so answered honestly.

 

Only to be shamed and berated for it.

 

Another woman (more open minded, more secure) may have been turned on by it!

 

Apparently since she's still there, your answer was not a deal breaker, however there is nothing stopping you from considering her poor attitude a deal breaker.

 

Not the fact she's against masturbation while in a relationship, but the way she shyt-tested you, and then shaming you when she didn't get the desired response.

 

This type of woman does not bode well for a LTR Imo.

 

Totally agree.

 

I am really curious to know how the sex life is?

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I feel your girlfriend obviously knew your answer but asked it anyway. I mean if she thought about it logically then she didn’t need to ask. It’s one of those questions that has a broad spectrum of the same answer for everyone in your situation. She basically set you up for failure.

 

She just wanted an ego boost or to feel more secure and when she didn’t get that she shamed you.

 

If you had said “I only masturbate to you.” She would be singing a more praise filled tune about you masturbating in the relationship I bet.

 

Some people ask those questions in hopes of getting to hear what they want.

 

Sorry OP it just sounds like she set you up with this question

 

Does she often ask these types of questions?

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Like everyone has asked... How old is she?

 

I remember in school when we were just hitting puberty the whole idea of masturbation was programmed into us to be "wrong". So girls at that age would think guys are disgusting for doing it.

 

They've grown up a lot since then.

 

So I am assuming you are both very young!

 

There is nothing wrong with thinking of celebs while having "alone time" when in a relationship. Both women and men do this and it is perfectly normal.

 

Also being in a relationship does not mean you can not have "alone time". I personally think it strengthens a relationship.

 

It all my relationships we've been open about masturbation. It's perfectly normal!

 

I even used to joke about celebs my ex fancied. It is no big deal.

 

There is a weird saying... "It doesn't matter where you get your motor running as long as you park it in the right garage". Or something like that. Valid statement to be fair.

 

It may be an age thing or maybe a religious thing for her. I'm not sure...

 

Please don't make it feel like it's "wrong" as it's not what so ever.

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Although she was fishing for the "only have eyes for you" response, a stupid question deserves a stupid answer. It's none of her business, so why even acknowledge this with any sincere response? Just freak her out and tell her Ru Paul's Drag Race. :eek:

She asked if I masturbated to people who weren’t her.
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I really hope you are both very young and you are learning a good relationship lesson here. Healthy happy relationships require proper tact and diplomacy. You don't just spew "truth" at all times.

 

Anyway, lots of women out there are extremely insecure about things like this and will have a lasting negative reaction to your honesty. Learn to recognize a loaded question when you are being asked one and figure out how to respond more tactfully and diplomatically to it. It will serve you well for life.

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1. is there anything you can do to calm her down? Yes. But you don’t want to do that (basically you’d be agreeing to be her personal slave in every way and be controlled in every facet of your life by her —- NOT a fun life). If this is the route you want to take - say so and i’ll address that in my next response.

 

2. Is masturbating wrong? Absolutely not. Studies and psychologists have been unanimous in modern times to say that masturbation is extremely healthy and NOBODY should be ashamed of it - ever!

 

3. Is masturbating while imagining different people but your partner wrong? This one depends lol. In general masturbation is NOT wrong. In my opinion if you are imagining people you never intend to be with or are never around or are not a part of your life (fantasy women, celebrities, etc.) - that is a natural thing to me. We all do it (i’m sure your gf does it too!) If you imagine say... your partner’s sister, or your best friend’s gf - obviously this is wrong.

 

4. Were you wrong to tell her so? This is a fine line. While it’s never “wrong” to tell the truth, it may not always be “smart” depending on the personality of your partner. Your partner seems very insecure and controlling and drama-filled and thus by telling her so it was not SMART at all. And she will never get over it or forgive you for it (unless you become her slave in every way). So this relationship is pretty much over unless you want to go that route. In general, you will not want to let on that you fantasize about somebody else or orgasm while thinking of somebody else to your partner EVER unless they’re personality is such, or your relationship is such - that you are both open and okay with that. And it’s one of those things that you will OBVIOUSLY know when it’s okay. If you are unsure or don’t know - the answer is “no it isn’t okay.”

 

Good luck.

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Although she was fishing for the "only have eyes for you" response, a stupid question deserves a stupid answer. It's none of her business, so why even acknowledge this with any sincere response? Just freak her out and tell her Ru Paul's Drag Race. :eek:

 

Yes, exactly.

 

She was asking a loaded question here, OP. She doesn't yet understand the value of not asking questions you don't really want to hear the answer to.

 

But then again, if she feels masturbating while in a relationship is wrong anyway, you have bigger problems with her than just this specific question.

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She thinks it’s wrong, disgusting, immoral. She said it makes her feel disgusting. She thinks it’s weird I still masturbate in the relationship anyway.

 

 

Translation: Since you're the one masturbating, and thus causing her to feel this way, she thinks you are wrong, disgusting and immoral and you make her feel disgusting.

 

There is seriously no way to recover from this without compromising yourself, your values, your standards; she thinks your immoral and disgusting.

 

I dated a man who constantly found fault with me, I often felt like he didn't like me at all!

 

One night he criticized my taste in home décor, berating me is more like it, and I flat out asked him since he feels so negatively about me, why does he continue to date me? That continuing to date a woman you obviously don't even like, says way more about you than it does about me.

 

He was suddenly at a loss for words, and I broke with him shortly thereafter.

 

Perhaps next time she brings this **** up, ask her the same thing -- "Since clearly you think I am so disgusting and immoral, why do you continue to date me? What does that say about you wanting to date a man whom you find to be so immoral and disgusting"?

In short, call her bluff.

 

To do this effectively, it needs to come from a position of strength, and not being afraid to lose her, but doing so might change the whole dynamic around -- one from her thinking she's calling the shots and shyt testing you, to YOU calling the shots.

 

She will either respect you for it, or dump you and if she chooses to dump you, you're not losing much in the grand scheme.

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If any woman came in here talking about her guy calling her actions immoral, wrong, and disgusting, never mind insinuated she shouldn't masturbate while in a relationship with him, no one would be saying "lol just answer him better." Women like this are archetype are so well accepted because our society's expectations for women's emotional maturity still largely and unfortunately plateaus once they've turned about 8. Despite that, believe me there are countless of them out there you have to invest mental energy into whether to lie or deal with their Pre-K temper tantrum.

 

Consider it a blessing when someone so blatantly shows these kinds of colors. It's not a lesson in relationship politics. It's a lesson on when to leave. It's a level of immaturity she may well overcome someday, but I'd say it's rare, assuming an occurrence at all, that it ever resolves itself within that relationship's context.

 

Personally, I'd probably take advantage of the golden opportunity to be a d1ck and make sure I had celeb magazines strewn about the house with pics of Eva Mendes, Cristina Hendrickson, and Pippy all bookmarked for when she comes visit, but I'm not a good person.

 

In all seriousness, I don't think you go from "you shouldn't masturbate" to healthy relationship within the same go. That's a bit too far gone. But do what you like.

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I get people have suggested he should have no answered or answered it better...

 

But why she he have not been truthful?

 

She asked him and should be able to deal with his answer. He shouldn't have been careful of her feelings and answered differently...

 

Agree JB and for all he knew, she may have gotten turned on by his answer!

 

Some people get turned on imagining their SO fantasizing about other people; my bf has a crush on one particular celebrity, no doubt he's had some fantasies about her, and I even tease him about it sometimes, it's perfectly normal and healthy.

 

It may have also opened the door to discuss their mutual fantasies in general which can also be a turn on.

 

So yeah, no reason to evade the question or lie, that's just feeding the "beast" encouraging her to maintain her closed-minded and judgmental attitude about sexuality.

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