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Thread: Cheating ex marrying the one he left me for

  1. #1
    Gold Member SGH's Avatar
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    Cheating ex marrying the one he left me for

    Well, last night when I was on one of my less enjoyable online dates, an individual who used to work with my ex walked in and sat down. The bar was small enough, so I knew at some point I was going to end up interacting with him and his loud friend who apparently also works at my ex's precious place of employment. Unsurprisingly, not too long in, we all began interacting with each other and the combination of not enjoying the date and not wanting to hear about my ex made me want to leave, but apparently not fast enough!

    At one point, the two men who are acquaintances of my ex began sh*t-talking him unprovoked by me and then the one I didn't recognize apologized as if he was insulting me. In response, I assured him I thought my ex was a acumbag because he cheated on me with a coworker who he still dates to this day. I understand that I walked into this, but he replied, "Oh, well they're engaged you know. Must still bother you."

    I pretty much left the bar 15 minutes later and kept my cool until a few hours later, but then experienced a very weird mix of painful emotions. Until the ex cheated on me, I thought he was "the one" and that someday we would get married. Then for about a year afterwards, I comforted myself saying that he simply didn't have it in him to commit to anyone. Four years later he is marrying the girl he screwed me over with seemingly happy as can be.

    I have had zero thoughts or feelings about this individual for a lonv time. I had a serious couple-year relationship with someone else since we broke up. So, why the hell did this news get to me so damn much? Anyone else experience anything similar?

    Oh, and for the record I got rid of social media a year ago, because I hate knowing random facts about exes and others that I do not like (I've never looked back or missed it at all). I associate with almost nobody relating to that ex and it still took all of 2 weeks for it to get back to me in the worst way possible. Life is silly like that, I guess.

  2. #2
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    While I have not experienced this, I do know the grass is always greener on the other side. Right now, you are on the other side, hearing how your ex is engaged to the other woman. Know that you do not see the inner workings of their relationship. You ASSUME they're happy and also ASSUME your ex is committed to the other woman. However, this situation isn't as ideal as you make it seem. You peruse the threads here long enough, and you frequently see all of the distrust in this exact type of relationship, among highly inappropriate and toxic behavior. On the surface, this is not so obvious and can be hidden well.

    A tiger does not change his stripes and the foundation of their relationship by definition is not stable. They got together amidst an affair. He is more likely to cheat on her, even though he's decided to marry her. It is a farce; he is not truly a committed man. It is very doubtful their relationship is a healthy one either. Now, do you want to marry a man that will cheat on you? Or rather, are you thankful you are not the fool who will knowingly marry a man who is for a fact unfaithful?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry you're experiencing this. I didn't go through the exact same but once had an ex who broke up with and 2 days later was already in a serious relationship with another woman and they ended up marrying and all that.

    When I got the news of them being engaged I also felt weird. Maybe what you're feeling is the ego stinging again and all the "why her and not me" and "what we could've had" coming back. At least that was what I felt.

    I won't tell you that it won't work with them. When my ex broke up with me I though he was a douche and that he wasn't able to truly commit to someone, but there he was marrying and subsequently having kids with her. Maybe they clicked better, maybe we (and you and your ex) weren't meant to be. It's not about you. I just know that a cheater and a woman that is ok with being a side piece are people with low moral values and deserve each other.

    Just to say that I think it's normal what you're feeling. It stings a bit but it will pass.

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    Originally Posted by SGH
    I have had zero thoughts or feelings about this individual for a lonv time. I had a serious couple-year relationship with someone else since we broke up. So, why the hell did this news get to me so damn much? Anyone else experience anything similar?
    Somewhat, yes.

    My long-term ex and I split up about 6 or 7 years ago now, after an 8-year relationship. (living together as well) We were growing apart and I would be dishonest if I said I thought it was going to last. No serious arguments; just growing up and drifting away from each other. But, I had the suspicion there was more going on with him. I could tell something was off, and asked him on two occasions if he had anything he needed to tell me. He insisted he didn't. For the first time in our relaitonship, I knew he was hiding something.

    We broke up and went our separate ways, again, primarily because we had run our course together. I found out maybe a year after that he had married a coworker of his and had actually moved in with her just after we split. I had had my fleeting suspicions about this particular woman, and had found a couple things which indicated he had another woman in his life. It was confirmed to me by a good friend of his that it had indeed started before we broke up. I had met her at his work functions, and something struck me about the way they interacted even then. I can't say I was angry that he was with someone else, or even that it was her; it was the lying and dishonesty that angered me. The feeling that he must've taken me for a fool for not knowing. The ability to look me in the eye and swear there was nobody else on his radar.

    To my knowledge (as we're originally from a small town and word gets around) they are still married and have a child now. I'm indifferent to it now, as I could see we weren't working as a couple any longer and my feelings for him had changed a lot in the months leading up to our split. But mostly I don't give a carp because I know the deception he is capable of. So does she, as she knew without a doubt we were together when they started seeing each other. If that's the foundation for their marriage, well, have at it, kids!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that SGH* I've seen you give your time to help others here and I hate to hear you got stung....

    I have a history of being abandoned for someone else. Some of those relationships lasted and some of them didn't.

    Regardless of that, it sux and it hurts either way....

    What I have found though is that it still stings a bit because we are still alone...

    I know the old adage about needing to be happy by yourself, and for many people that may ring true.

    But we are social animals and mostly long for company, love, companionship and community.

    Once you do find your next partner, I believe you'll care less about him and his life.

    I will pray that someone comes into your life soon. You deserve it*

    Much Love

    Carus*

  7. #6
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    First things first ((hugs))

    Second, you know how I post, you already know what Iím gonna say : if you find solace in their failures youíll find pain in their triumphs. This is not meant as disrespect to other posters br for the love of all that is holy do not convince yourself an exes relationship will fail or that theyíre unhappy. Itís possible it will, itís possibke that he is, but if it doesnít and if he isnít, thatís gonna hurt 10 times more than if you just simply didnít the work to move forward not hitching your healing to them in any way shape or form.

    I think you already know that and I donít think you did that I think the situation was unavoidable and I think you handled it like a champ. Of course itís gonna sting, youíre human, Iíd be shocked if you said it didnít.

    Youíre allowing yourself to naturally feel these emotions, youíre being healthy and mature once this passes youíll be that much stronger, thatís strangely how set backs work.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    First things first ((hugs))

    Second, you know how I post, you already know what Iím gonna say : if you find solace in their failures youíll find pain in their triumphs. This is not meant as disrespect to other posters br for the love of all that is holy do not convince yourself an exes relationship will fail or that theyíre unhappy. Itís possible it will, itís possibke that he is, but if it doesnít and if he isnít, thatís gonna hurt 10 times more than if you just simply didnít the work to move forward not hitching your healing to them in any way shape or form.

    I think you already know that and I donít think you did that I think the situation was unavoidable and I think you handled it like a champ. Of course itís gonna sting, youíre human, Iíd be shocked if you said it didnít.

    Youíre allowing yourself to naturally feel these emotions, youíre being healthy and mature once this passes youíll be that much stronger, thatís strangely how set backs work.
    I need to say that I agree 200% with this! For too long I expected my ex's relationship to fail. Well intentioned friends would tell me that it would fail, that the same problems we had would show up on his next relationship or that he was a commitmentphobe. Though I know they had the best intentions to make me feel better, this only made it more painful because as you say, their triumph became my pain. Only when I totally disconnected from the situation and accepted that me and him as a couple didn't work out and couldn't have worked out was that it stopped affecting me.

    But the fact that this stings and affects the ego is perfectly normal, even if you no longer have feelings for him. Process it, feel it and then when you can detach from it.

  9. #8
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    The takeaway here isn't to hope for their relationship to fail. It is this man has a trait you do not value; unfaithfulness. It is a dealbreaker for you, but obviously not necessarily for this other woman since she aided him in carrying this out. Their relationship may very well succeed, in whatever way you may describe what that looks like. However, no relationship is not fraught with their own battles. Their type of battles, in their relationship with the kind of foundation they have, are not ones you are willing to take on, hence is a dealbreaker. A person who values commitment values traits that are reflective in monogamous behavior. Thus, this man would not work for you and you're better off without him, while this other woman can have him. Like it was previously said, they deserve each other because they have the same poor moral values. Usually this leads to more problems than not in a relationship, correlating but not causing unhappiness, although perhaps not for them. Who knows.

    Regardless of the outcome, know he does not deserve you and you do not value a partner with such low morals. In reality, the grass is not greener for you on the other side. Bringing this to the second takeaway: stop idealizing their relationship. While no relationship is perfect, the one you had with this man was never good for you. It simply would not have worked for you because you do not have the same values he has. Instead of a time of rejection over this, you need to look at it as finding out the sign he is not someone you ever wanted, instead of how he didn't want to commit to you. No matter how many triumphs him and the other woman may have, ultimately you would not have been happy with a man like this, so be thankful you are no longer with him. Take care of yourself, OP.

  10. #9
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    Sorry, to hear this.

    It just up the betrayal all over again. Hell, this is someone you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. The good bit, is that she has him, and not you. You are the lucky one!!!

  11. #10
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    Oh dear... this really does sound like the date from hell!

    You wouldn't have been in a relationship with this guy if there hadn't been something worthwhile - attraction, intimacy, hope for the future - all that. A whole pile of positive stuff. Then there's the double whammy of him leaving you, and then getting engaged to someone else. Nobody likes the feeling of being replaced, nobody likes being left behind and although you've come to terms with it very effectively, there are still going to be hurt, angry feelings around.

    This recent experience will have stirred up all those memories, so it's not at all surprising that you're a mess of contradictory emotions right now.

    The only thing I can say to you is that it will pass, but that's not going to lessen the nightmare while you're still going through it. And yes, life IS silly like that....

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