No Contact - should I say happy birthday?

Hey guys! So I'm assuming this question has been asked but I have been getting so many different opinions why not add more?

A little background, my ex boyfriend of a little over a year broke up with me about a month ago. Our breakup was the result of just one big fight (we were both very drunk). I did a lot of things wrong since I didn't know what else to do afterwards, I called, begged, etc. Until I found out what NC was and decided this was my best chance to work on myself. I've been NC for about 2 weeks now and I originally planned on doing so until he reaches out. However prior to going NC with him he wished me a happy birthday indirectly, meaning through a mutual friend. My birthday fell exactly two weeks after the break up so to be honest I was really shocked he wished me one since I wasn't expecting it especially since it seemed like he hated me after the breakup.

Now my question is, his birthday is this friday, and at that point it will be shy of 3 weeks of no contact. I was wondering since my goal is to reconcile with him in the future would I ruin my chances if I don't wish him a happy birthday? like will he think I don't care about him and be upset?

The other side of me says I shouldn't wish him one because I promised myself I wouldn't contact him until he initiates or if enough time (like 3 months) has passed by then maybe I would text him. 3 weeks seems too soon to break NC. Also friends have said by not wishing him a happy birthday it might make him miss me a little more?

I'm just really conflicted and the worst part is his birthday falls right by what was supposed to be our anniversary so that might make him think about me more.

So what do you guys think?

A dumpers perspective would be nice - such as how did you feel when the dumpee said happy birthday to you after the break up/ did you respond?

Of course all opinions are welcomed! Thanks :)

Do you really think the breakup was the result of one big fight, or was it more than that? I wouldn't worry about wishing him a happy birthday, or how that may or may not ruin your later chances. I would worry about why you broke up to begin with and think about that. If it was "just one big fight" then you would probably be talking by now, but the fact that you're not talking probably means that it was a lot more than just one fight. Forget about his birthday (really, it's not that important) and figure out what you really want and what will make you happy. Try to stop thinking about him. And if you're meant to be together, you'll get back together, whether you wish him a happy birthday or not.

Carry on your NC, and forget about his birthday. If he responds positively but doesn't want to rekindle the relationship, that will put your healing right back. If he doesn't respond, that will put your healing right back.

If he wants to start over, the birthday's irrelevant and I'd guess he'd have told you by now.

(((HUGS)))

P.S. I've only just noticed your user name. Have one on me! :)

To be very honest with you, we weren't perfect, and you are right, it wasn't just one big fight because prior we had a little issues however nothing worth breaking up over. We spoke about those issues and resolved them very quickly. Had we not had that huge fight (which I started) I do believe we would still be together. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking. We did speak a bit after the fight meaning he had actually spoken to my mom, friends, and me. It was when I started begging him to get back together that he stopped contact which I understand because I was acting crazy. But thank you, I understand what you're saying where the birthday shouldn't matter if he wants to be with me.

Thanks for the hugs haha! I guess I'm not expecting much from the happy birthday message. In my head I guess I think it's more of I want to show him I still care but it sucks because it is way too soon to be breaking NC.

Just want to say that you don't use No Contact as a game to get your ex back. No Contact should be NO CONTACT. You won't heal if you keep in contact with an ex. Every time you're in contact, you will experience the break up all over again. You confirmed that you have been having other arguments. The reason for those arguments and what they were about can probably tell you what that the problems of your relationship were. What are your fights about and what was the underlying reason of the big fight? Was it about him not committing? Let us know if you want some advice.

The biggest issue I would say is that I felt like I wasn't a priority in his life at first. I always felt like he put things like sports, his fraternity (we both attend college), and just like other little things above me which made me feel insecure as a result. However as stated before we did start resolving these issues and prior to the breakup things were pretty good. I think it's important to add that I was going through some emotional things (nothing too crazy) but I think I may have relied on him too much and maybe that's why I got upset when he wasn't always there for me because of other priorities if that makes sense.

As for the big fight, basically I went to a party at his frat house and being the stupid drunk I am I started a fight with him because of this underlying feeling that I wasn't a priority and that he doesn't want me. As a result he breaks up with me and we have a huge argument with a lot of screaming and name calling. That was the night he dumped me. I'm sorry if this isn't clear enough. If you have any more questions I would love to clarify.

Also I really understand that NC isn't a game to get your ex back and I have been working on myself and doing things I normally wouldn't to better myself. But I do want to have my ex back in my life and I know NC is important before taking that step.

I don't know if either of you had a healthy balance of time together and time apart doing your own things. Either you're too clingy or you're right that he didn't make you a priority. Only you know that, or maybe your friends can clue you in on what they observed. If you're clingy, that's something you can work on. If you stay with someone too long when you keep seeing you're not a priority, that's another thing you can work on.

He didn't care enough to stick around and see if improvements could be made after discussions about problems. Wishing to get back together is something I think is a bad decision. To me, if I break up with someone, I think long and hard before doing so, because I know that decision will be final. If someone breaks up with me, I'd rather risk my heart on someone new, because I see countless times with friends and on this forum, that when a second chance is given, another breakup usually happens when the newness wears off. On again off again relationships aren't meant to be. The person who is right for you won't ever break up with you--not even once.

I think the issue was I would make my day around him, so if I wanted to see him a certain day I would think "okay let me study for this test, or let me make sure I don't have plans with friends". However he wouldn't really do the same for me rather I had to work around his schedule, so like I knew he wasn't available when there were football games on (haha i know it sounds crazy) but that's just who he was. I would say I wasn't super clingy like I didn't want to be with him all the time and I appreciated the space I had. Also I think it's important to point out that even though we attend the same college and live on campus, for breaks we lived 4 hours apart so for the summer we would go weeks without seeing each other, but we would like face time every few days. I appreciate your feedback on relationships not working out. I see a lot of people believe that if it didn't work out the first time it won't work out the second time. I use to believe in this until I started dating my ex. I guess I just saw a lot of couples who have broken up previously but rekindled. Including my own parents who broke up for a year but now they've been happily married for 25 years. I guess it's just one of those things where you don't know whether or not it will work the second time but for me it's worth it :(

Imo, reconciliation has to be a mutual effort in order to work out. It sounds like once again, you are the only one fretting about the relationship. Wishing you happy bday through a friend was lazy and lame imo. For all you know, he may have not done it at all had he not run into the said friend that day. Plus, he could have got in touch with you directly through some other mean if he was interested in a reconciliation. Not wishing him happy bday is the best option imo and it will not ruin anything. It sounds like once again you are the one doing the heavy lifting when it comes to this relationship. You have done all you could. It's now his turn. If he doesn't come back it's because HE is just not that into you and sadly you can't change that unilaterally. It takes two to tango.

I understand what you mean that it needs to be mutual and I agree. This is why I want to keep NC until he reaches out first but the birthday situation made it a little hard however after seeing the responses I believe it’s best not to say anything.

As for the wishing me a happy birthday through a friend at first I saw it as such like “wow he couldn’t even reach out himself” however in the birthday messages the mutual friend texted me “(Exes name) wishes you a happy birthday and he hopes you have and continue to have a special day. He’s sorry he can’t speak to you right now but he hopes you enjoy”. I guess why I forgave him for it was because it was only 2 weeks after the breakup so I understand maybe he was doing NC too and in his head he wasn’t ready to speak to me directly.

Correction - when I said mutual friend it was actually more of his friend whom I am “friendly” with. I don’t know if that makes a difference but I don’t talk to this mutual friend often and when I did in the past it was because he was in my ex’s frat

Also it’s important to include that he saw me a week after the birthday text over coffee (didn’t go as planned because this is when I begged and cried for him) when I asked him if there’s ever a chance with time he replied “maybe, just right now no”

So I guess maybe I’m holding on to that? Like time will help? I know I sound desperate but I guess my emotions are high.

I think you are applying too much significance to the happy birthday wish. I don't believe it's going to affect your chance for reconciliation either way.

It sounds like you are correct that you were not as much of a priority to him as he was to you, and he wasn't as invested as you were. He was not wrong to want to hang out with friends and pursue his own interests, to be clear, but my sense is that he wasn't all that into the relationship anymore either. Assuming that you'd still be together had it not been for this big fight is not entirely accurate, as I'm reading it. It doesn't appear you two were on solid ground, regardless of what brought those issues to the forefront.

It's true that some couples break up and reunite, of course. However, in my experience, very few of them actually stay together in the end. I know of only one who has successfully gone the distance after a break (and I mean, they are happily married now, years after); the rest struggled with the same issues and either broke up again or stayed together but the union was/is rocky.

I would not reach out and wish him a happy birthday.

You clearly still have feelings for him, and this idea to contact him and send birthday greetings is just another reason or excuse for you to reach out in hopes of connecting with him and hopefully hear something in return. It’s a way for you to get your “fix”, I guess. It’s easy to justify in your mind that sending a birthday greeting is merely an act of kindness, but anyone who has been through a break-up knows it’s an excuse or reason used to reach out to the ex and reconnect with them (because you know why? Just maybe....maaaaaybe, they’ll respond and want to talk, right?).

Don’t do it. Maintain no contact. You’ll thank yourself for it, eventually.

And keep in mind that, if this guy wants you back, he knows where to find you, and no lack of birthday greeting is going to stop him.

Remember to give yourself a break. You just went through a break-up and it’s okay to be highly emotional. Turn to friends and family for support if need be, but I’d avoid your ex altogether.

The more you contact him, the more you will want to contact him. It’s a viscious cycle.

But if you stick with the no contact, although it’s hard to accept right now, it will get easier in time.

And for your own sanity, I’d block your ex, and get rid of any connections with him via social media, pictures, and anything that reminds you of him. It will make the post-breakup stage much easier.

Was that exact war that made you two break up or not. For some reason you or he does not want to let the other person know. For example, the vibration comes from a third person?

It would be best to delete and block him and all his people from all your messaging apps and social media. He thinks "you're crazy" and using his bday as yet another attempt to drag this out and chase and beg won't work. Accept it wasn't working and pull yourself together. If you get "drunk and crazy" too much. address that. Work on yourself, not trying to get him back.

Had we not had that huge fight (which I started) I do believe we would still be together. It was when I started begging him to get back together that he stopped contact which I understand because I was acting crazy.

So after reading all responses I’ve came to this conclusion

1. DO NOT wish him a happy birthday no matter what my intentions are

2. Wait until he reaches out

3. He won’t come back?

I guess my thing is, it’s only been a little over a month since the breakup and only 2 weeks of NC so it hasn’t given him enough time to want to reach out? I understand the whole “he doesn’t want you because he would have contacted you” but to be fair it’s not like it’s been months and I’m still hoping for me to reach out when he’s moved on.

Thankfully I’ve recently gone on a social media cleanse so I don’t have any

The only app I have is Snapchat and I deleted him off of there

Something that did disturb my NC was that my friend decided to tell me on his Instagram he still has ALL our photos up including the “couply” ones :(

Also I apologize for positing so much/lengthy messages this is my first time on this site so I have a lot to say!

I think he may have wanted to initially get out? When we did talk after the breakup he told me the biggest issue is when we did argue I wanted a solution right away and I wouldn’t give it time. So maybe I’m applying that to the relationship. Any emotional person would want their ex back but there needs to be time

As for drinking I promise I’m not an alcoholic, just that night since it was a party

As for acting crazy - I admit I didn’t know what the proper steps were really after a breakup so I did what I thought was right. I figured being a romantic and begging would make him want me back but I now see how dumb that decision was

Something that did disturb my NC was that my friend decided to tell me on his Instagram he still has ALL our photos up including the “couply” ones :(

If your friends try to give you an update on what he's doing, tell them you really don't want to know because you're moving on.

Hanging on in there with NC in the hope it'll make him miss you will not work; it'll just keep you tied to him when you need to be cutting those ties. Otherwise you'll just stay caught in this painful cycle of misery and longing, when you could be using your energy to create a better life for yourself.

He may never want to reach out. And the moment you make your happiness dependent on someone else's actions, you're onto a loser.

So after reading all responses I’ve came to this conclusion

1. DO NOT wish him a happy birthday no matter what my intentions are

2. Wait until he reaches out

3. He won’t come back?

None of us can answer that with any degree of accuracy, to be fair. Some exes come back, but many don't.

He might have made a spur-of-the-moment decision to break up after that particular episode, but it sounds like he'd been prioritizing a lot of things over you in the preceding weeks (or months?) anyway. Whether it was because he was simply trying to regain some balance in his life or because he was losing interest in the relationship is hard to say.

Can you elabroate more on that? Did you feel like it was you making most of effort?

Hard as it is not to, don't read into your photos still being on his social media.

I understand that NC is strictly for me and he may never reach out but it’s sort of a catch 22 in the sense yet every story of an ex returning had involved NC.

Yes I would love to elaborate

So in the beginning during our “honeymoon phase” things were great. We saw each other almost everyday. As time went by that went to like every other day which I was totally okay with :)

Then things started changing where I feel like since a few months down he got use to the relationship he figured he didn’t need to put in as much effort into anything. Like when we hung out it was sometimes a little boring like I understand that we can’t always do something exciting but it became constant where all we did was watch TV for a few hours a day. But like I said this was kind of who he is even prior to dating me.

The biggest insecurity came when one day I was literally texting him and he was like “want to come over and hang (watch TV) tonight?” And I was like “when was the last time we went on a real date?”

IT WAS 6 WEEKS! We didn’t even go get fast food.

But I addressed these issues with him and he fixed a lot of it. Like for our 10 month he took me to a beautiful restaurant and then he started buying me flowers and making me feel more important so I don’t get why he jumped ship right when we were improving :(

The biggest insecurity came when one day I was literally texting him and he was like “want to come over and hang (watch TV) tonight?” And I was like “when was the last time we went on a real date?”

While I understand your sentiments, putting your feelings to him like that probably isn't very helpful and would have felt like nagging. If you ever find yourself in this situation again, let the guy know you'd love to see him, but how about... and come up with some suggestions. That won't feel like nagging, it will make you look spontaneous and exciting - AND fulfil your wishes.

This may be down to the way you've described the situation, but it looks as though you were waiting on him to 'fix' things, and got resentful if he didn't. This would get very wearing for him. If he's someone who genuinely just wants to watch TV night after night, he sounds very boring and you'd be better off with someone with a bit more get-up-and-go!

Ok, it sounds like you both over-saturated things and sort of got sick of and bored with each other due to laziness and complacency. He "jumped ship" after a huge drunken argument "instigated by you", according to you.

Stay no contact. Not to get him back but to reflect and pull yourself together and decide how to improve your dating and relationship skills including keeping it interesting and not just hanging out way too much getting sick of each other.

We saw each other almost everyday. all we did was watch TV for a few hours a day.

 

I don’t get why he jumped ship right when we were improving

I wouldn't say we got bored and sick of each other, if anything it was quite the opposite meaning I always wanted to see/be with him I just wanted to do things differently. I didn't mind just watching T.V because at the end of the day we are both in debt college kids so we can't just take a trip somewhere or eat out all the time. But I wanted more effort from his behalf to do small things when he could. We certainly did not hang out way too much either, esp as mentioned before we saw each other less and less as the relationship progressed since we were no longer in that honeymoon stage where we saw each other everyday

I know that two people who share a strong chemistry might overdue it. Even when this happens, in the future, limit seeing each other twice a week. Even if you're on the same campus, seeing each other every day is not the normal pace of dating. Since you say you sometimes avoided making plans with friends so you could see him, and I'm assuming he was the one who suggested every other day contact, that he saw you making him mostly the sole center of your universe and it was smothering.

You will be much more attractive to guys when they see that you value your time with your studies, your family and friends, your hobbies/interests, and you want drop any of that when he whistles. He will know that you have a fulfilling life besides him, and that he will need to treat you special for you to keep him in his life.

You asked for what you wanted. He temporarily provided it. At the time you were happy with those efforts, he bailed. We don't know why. Could be no woman is worth those efforts at this busy time in his life. Could be he decided he wasn't as into you as he'd thought. Could be he saw that you two were incompatible in what you like to do in leisure time.

When the only way you can be happy is if a partner changes in a major way, then he's not the right one for you. Choose someone you don't want to change, because most people don't, and you have to wait until after the honeymoon stage to see the real person emerge. I know you care about him, but I'd recommend holding out for someone you're compatible with in all the major ways.