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Boyfriend always needs time after any serious talk


applejam

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My boyfriend and I are both in our mid 20s and we've been with each other for about 8 months now. We are a long distance couple. We have a great relationship(first real relationship for both of us), we have arguments here and there but we've never had any major fights or yelled at each other because we both prefer to talk things out.

 

Some of the arguments/serious talks were about boundary issues in relationship or insecurities I feel and sometimes I end up crying but we always resolve it before the day is over. Nearly every time we have one of those talks(happened about 4-5 times so far), my boyfriend doesn't want to call or sometimes even text me the day after. Some days he says he got plans and some days he says he doesn't feel good and wants the day off. He usually always finds time to talk to me everyday unless it's the day after the serious talk. I asked him if it's because he's upset at me and doesn't want to talk to me and he said he's not upset at me but just needs alone time to think about what we talked about and process his emotions.

 

I understand that he needs his own space to process things but this is encouraging me to be unhealthily cautious about bringing up issues because I'm starting to see a pattern. Whenever our conversation gets a bit serious, I get worried if I'm going to get a text from him saying he wants the day off again.

 

I don't know if this is a reasonable thing to bring up. If it is something to be concerned, how should I approach it?

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Work out/resolve your anxieties and insecurities yourself, your bf is not your therapist nor does he want to be, it's a turn off.

 

Not surprised he needs distance after these types of talks especially when you cry. Just my experience but most guys hate emotional "talks" they find them burdening and cumbersome.

 

If he's causing you to feel anxious and insecure, then it's on you to walk away and find a guy who doesn't cause you to feel this way.

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I've only done that once because we rushed to end the argument to not have a fight. I had to revisit some issues to make sure we are on the same page. I usually don't need to talk more about things but even if I want to I can't because he's unavailable.

 

We usually see each other once a month for 3-5 days.

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So I basically can't cry and show emotions when we are talking about some issues in our relationship or things in general..? I don't understand how I need to just act cool when there is an issue to be talked about. I also don't always cry and talk about my insecurities to him. Sometimes it's him that make me talk about things even if I say I don't want to.

 

Say we do have issues to be talked about and I'm hurt, how do I approach it without being a turn off? I want to know because I really want this to work out and idk if I'm just messing things up.

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So I basically can't cry and show emotions when we are talking about some issues in our relationship or things in general..? I don't understand how I need to just act cool when there is an issue to be talked about. I also don't always cry and talk about my insecurities to him. Sometimes it's him that make me talk about things even if I say I don't want to.

 

Say we do have issues to be talked about and I'm hurt, how do I approach it without being a turn off? I want to know because I really want this to work out and idk if I'm just messing things up.

 

I think it's fabulous to communicate about things in general, I'm a big communicator and love to talk, but when it comes to emotional talks about "issues" you're having that results in your crying, it's up to you but many men will recoil from that.

 

So yeah if you can refrain from crying at least in front of him, that would be best. And as I said if you're feeling so insecure in the RL that you feel you have to "talk" to him about it, then perhaps you're not a good fit and look for a guy who doesn't cause you to feel so insecure instead of trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, so to speak.

 

That's on you.

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We had one boundary talk only because we've actually never set boundaries till then. We never crosses our lines that lead to an argument or fight. Sometimes I would mention things like "I wish I have more curves" and stuff like that and one time he made a comment about me that really triggered my insecurities that I told him how that particular topic makes me feel bad about myself.

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We had one boundary talk only because we've actually never set boundaries till then. We never crosses our lines that lead to an argument or fight. Sometimes I would mention things like "I wish I have more curves" and stuff like that and one time he made a comment about me that really triggered my insecurities that I told him how that particular topic makes me feel bad about myself.

 

And he needed "space" after you told him that? How much space are talking here, a couple of days, a week?

 

Getting a different picture now, what was the comment he made about your "curves" that triggered your insecurity?

 

We need more details applejam, please enlighten us, thanks.

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If the argument is serious enough for me to feel like this is a "serious argument/talk" we make sure we end in good terms so I don't feel the need and also don't want to bring it up again. I wouldn't say he ignores me but he's just way less engaging on text(if we do text) or happens to make plans for himself. There was only one time when he really needed time because the argument was based on his misunderstanding.

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Usually only a day so far. I'm very petit and have low body fat resulting small breast/butts. I've always felt insecure about this because of media and blah blah blah...you get the idea :icon_sad: Long story short, he basically said I hate ladies with curves, that I have something against them. I don't remember saying anything bad about big breast or butts(honestly, I think they are awesome). Only comments I made were something in the line of "Dang I wish those were mine". So I was telling him how it's not that I dislike people with curves but they just make me feel jealous and while I was explaining why I feel this way I got emotional and there goes me crying :( After the talk I told him I'm sorry that I brought this up again and I don't like talking about this to him because I want him to see the best of me, not the "hate my own boobs" me. I'm worried if I'm just being a huge turn off..

 

For your previous comments, thank you for your wisdom! I will keep that in mind and try to keep my own issues to myself and re think before sharing certain topics.

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If the argument is serious enough for me to feel like this is a "serious argument/talk" we make sure we end in good terms so I don't feel the need and also don't want to bring it up again. I wouldn't say he ignores me but he's just way less engaging on text(if we do text) or happens to make plans for himself. There was only one time when he really needed time because the argument was based on his misunderstanding.

 

So... he still talks to you, but less so?

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I don't know if one or two text exchange followed by saying "let's talk later" still counts as talking..? I understand if he needs time to process things but it's just a bit confusing to me because since we already resolved the issue on the night before, why suddenly don't feel like talking or make plans that he usually don't..?

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I don't know if one or two text exchange followed by saying "let's talk later" still counts as talking..? I understand if he needs time to process things but it's just a bit confusing to me because since we already resolved the issue on the night before, why suddenly don't feel like talking or make plans that he usually don't..?

 

You aren’t answering questions clearly at all. It’s very frustrating as someone trying to respond. Your story changes a little as I pry for more details.

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Sorry I don't think I was being clear. There are days when he will respond once or twice before saying he wants time and there are days he says he wants to talk later and we don't communicate for the day.

 

And why do you think he wants time.

 

Why would he want time if your arguments go well.

 

Something isn’t adding up.

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I really don't know why. I never bring it up again(except that one time) and I'm expecting things are good but suddenly we aren't going to talk.

I just remembered he said even when we end in good terms and said I love you, when he woke up he rethought about it a lot and felt bad. So maybe we've been rushing to end the argument without actually resolving left over feelings?

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If you understand he needs time, why not give him the time (and space) and be ok with it? You each handle your emotions differently.

 

This^.

 

My bf and I sometimes miss a day talking, and we're both fine with it. Sometimes people just need their own space, best if you try to understand it and not take it personally.

 

Please try to understand this, and do your own thing. Next time you talk be happy and fun, and don't bring up any emotional issues.

 

This will get him moving closer to you, instead of pushing him away which if you keep this up, you might push him away for good.

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