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Should i be embarrassed


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So me and my ex have been broken up since January. He got into a relationship with a girl immediately after which lasted about four months. He continuously had tried to reach out to me but i would ignore him until around july when we got back in touch. We mostly tried to make amends then the end of August he came to me saying how much he misses me. He said i was his best friend and he wants me in his life forever and that his relationship with the other girl was a mistake and a regret and he doesn’t want a relationship he wants to focus on himself. We had a long talk before being more regularly in touch again. Things seemed good only he would be pretty forward to me. He would compliment me a lot and make references to our relationship. He sent lyrics to a song about an ex boyfriend missing his ex gf -.- he did a lot of things that made me and everyone i showed think beyond a shadow of a doubt he was crossing the line of friendship and seemingly had feelings for me still. Though i know he didn’t want to be back in a relationship with me i still felt it was playing with my feelings to say things like that. Recently i found out he’s back with the original girl. I confronted him about it and was genuinely confused given the things he said about her. I also said he was playing with my feelings to say the things he said while talking to her and hiding it from me. He responded saying how he doesn’t even know how he’s with her again because she was so terrible to him but she keeps making him feel so guilty for not wanting to be with her and she’s saying it’s his fault she’s done all the things she’s done. He told me she hits him when she’s drunk and that he shouldn’t be telling me all of that but he has no one else to talk to about it. I obviously offered my support and told him that’s not a good place to be in but ultimately i felt like i wanted to stand up for myself and my emotions and hormones were all over the place. He acted confused and sent a long message saying he wanted me to tell him in detail how i feel about him because he doesn’t know and we should talk about what we are comfortable with and what we are to each other. I took three days to respond and was sort of combative. he didn’t respond. the next day i sent one more saying i was sorry for that response and if he wanted to have that talk i would. Still didn’t respond. then a couple nights later i got a call from him on saturday night at one in the morning and a four minute voicemail. I listened and someone had dialed my number and just left it on so i heard everything happening but no one knew a voicemail was being left. The sounds of the voicemail was confusing though and i initially assumed something. The voicemail was of him and his girlfriend but the beginning was his girlfriend obviously drunk off her ass or really high saying “ babyyyy don’t you want to be in a relationship with me “ music was playing and there was a lot of gibberish. at one point i hear her say “that feels good”. Honestly i thought it sounded like they could’ve been having sex but i wasn’t sure. I couldn’t think of how it would’ve happened because it wasn’t a pocket dial. i showed my friend and she told me she could hear all this sexual stuff and i believed her. It was very obvious his girlfriend was the one who called. I really didn’t want to hear their saturday night when i woke up the next morning. Anyway i end up messaging him asking about it and he said he didn’t mean to and what was on it. So i told him i’m pretty sure it was him and his gf having sex and that it was ed up she’d send that to me and if he didn’t know anything about this to give me her number so i can say something. Honest to god i thought thats what happened. He responded simply saying “i’m 100% certain it wasn’t us having sex.” I responded saying either way he needs to keep better track of his phone because i don’t want to wake up to a 4 minute voicemail of him and his gf at 1 am. he never responded. Looking back maybe i’d have done things differently but should i be totally and completely embarassed for assuming? I showed my mom and sister and after we listened to it a couple more times we all agreed it didn’t seem they were having sex.i know his girlfriend had our messages up and that’s how i was called. Now i think it was accidental, but she did say something about “baby don’t you want to be in a relationship with me” which seemed like a dig at me. i’m aware that our relationship is totally gone and destroyed and i’m ok with that. But i just want to know if i should feel humiliated for what i said. I genuinely thought thats what it was and i still don’t think it should’ve happened because i don’t want to hear that either way. But how stupid should i feel?

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Well the best way not to get pulled into situations like that is to stop giving the time of day to an ex. They are an ex for a reason and listening to their bs and what passing regrets they are feeling that hour is a waste of your time and also, yes game playing of sorts....except you are allowing it. Stop allowing these things and you won't have to deal with this kind of drama. A simple "No, I'm not interested in hearing what you have to say" will save you so much grief going forward.

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I guess i am asking if it’s normal. I feel like i look like a psycho ex girlfriend for assuming and trying to confront his now girlfriend. I guess i wanted outside perspectives to know if that would be a normal reaction. But blocking does seem like a good idea.

 

I think that's all you can do.

 

You know he isn't coming back to you; there's zero reason to keep any line of communication open with him now. Despite what he tells you, he's into her and doesn't want to let go. Don't waste your time and energy on him.

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I know i’m not worried about any of that at this point i’m reallt just feeling embarrassed about assuming what the voicemail was and i want to know if other people in my situation would have the same thoughts and feelings. it’s not really normal to receive that and just be okay with it.

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The line of communication being open was genuinely for friendship. But he’s just not a very good friend or even person anymore. He was so different a year and a half ago. He started hanging out with this girl more and i noticed he started to change. It’s just sad and feels like a loss because he was my best friend. not that i’m holding onto hope of being with him in fact i can honestly say i don’t want to be with him after seeing how much of a mess he is. I just feel like i look stupid and i guess that’s embarrassing to me. I don’t know.

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I think you should start getting honest with yourself.

 

You're asking because you don't want this bozo of an ex thinking you're psycho, which means you care more about what he thinks of you than you do of yourself and just moving the hell on, away from this toxic mess.

 

Who cares what he thinks of you? Your energy is better spent extricating him and this entire mess from your consciousness and like I said, moving the hell on once and for all.

 

Block and delete him.

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I understand why you say that and itÂ’s fair but honestly i care more what you all think and anyone else who isnÂ’t involved because I am genuinely not sure if i actually was psycho or if most people would react the same. iÂ’m not involved in his life or anyone around him and it doesnÂ’t matter to me what they think. itÂ’s more me trying to self reflect because this really has been a mess and got my head completely confused and flustered and idk whatÂ’s normal. No one has to convince me to get rid of him from my life believe me this made it much easier.

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Thank you, i feel like i’m pulled into situations and end up looking like the crazy one so it’s nice to hear that’s not how you see it.

 

First off, other people are not pulling you into situations, you are pulling yourself into these crazy situation, so own that, it's important.

 

Second, I think any time a man displays such crazy-making behavior as this turkey, it's perfectly normal to respond with "crazy" yourself.

 

I've responded with crazy plenty of times, and no I am not psycho I just let him and his crazy-making behavior get the better of me, but I have since learned that once I start feeling that crazy, I abort mission immediately!

 

Carrying on with him will only drive you further crazy, which is on YOU.

 

So don't beat yourself up over this, okay? We've all done it, or many of us, including myself, WAY worse than what you did, believe me.

 

Just take this a lesson learned and don't involve yourself in this type of situation again.

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Oh, marlowe! It's good to hear from you again, though I wish it was under better circumstances.

 

Nothing about this is psycho, in terms of your behavior, your thoughts, your feelings, your actions.

 

But the situation, at this point? It's just...no.

 

I remember your other posts fondly. I remember how much compassion you had for him, while keeping a clear eye on your own thoughts and feelings. Inspiring stuff.

 

But brass tacks: this guy is just bad news. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but he's in a bad news place. Get near crazy, as Katrina said, and we all go a little crazy. That's the only lesson here.

 

Echoing Katrina: no need to beat yourself up over this. We all flirt with crazy, get twisted up in crazy. It happens.

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I'll tell you, it's other people who make you crazy. And you really should eliminate him from your life. He dropped you for another girl. He might have even been messing around with her while he was dating her. You took him back as a friend when you should have had nothing more to do with him. And now he's gotten you into this crazy situation where you care about him while he's being beaten up by his drunk girlfriend. All the stuff he told you about missing you is garbage. It's all about him, not you. If he wants a friend, tell him to get a dog. You shouldn't waste any time on him and his circus of a life. You need to get rid of him which will allow you to move on with your life. Don't be his double-rebound. Get out there and find a nice guy who isn't crazy.

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I think you should start getting honest with yourself.

 

You're asking because you don't want this bozo of an ex thinking you're psycho, which means you care more about what he thinks of you than you do of yourself and just moving the hell on, away from this toxic mess.

 

 

This is at the core of your question.

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Ahh! I know it’s such a mess. So many responses so i figured i’d just pick one. I want to explain my perspective in the situation better because i know at this point it sounds completely crazy and it has been a bit from the start, but just a week and a half ago me and him were talking like normal friends. Sending me his art work and talking about current things in our life. I learned an important lesson about him through this. When he came back into my life it’s not like i made it easy. We had a long talk about what happened and he explained his side of it, didn’t make excuses, apologized and honestly acted in a way that seemed to me like he actually had matured and made an effort to not be that awful person that left me and was a complete mess. Even our friendship the last few months was drama free. I actually felt okay with it. It was just this last week and a half that everything came to the surface that he is still the same person that left me. And that is disappointing. Mostly because we’ve been friends for so long and the majority of me knowing him he wasn’t this way. I’m not holding onto anything at this point. Genuinely i do still hope he changes for the better but i wish that from a distance. I really don’t need everyone telling me it’s a mess and to leave because at this point i KNOW. believe me. I have no intentions of interacting with him anymore. My intention for making my post was maybe partly because i missed all of you people telling me how stupid i am (kidding), but because i found myself thinking about how i reacted and i wanted to know if i was out of line and this was normal or if it was as messed up as i felt it was. And i was embarrassed for my assumptions i won’t lie. I wanted some reassurance that anyone could’ve thought that and did what i did. It came from a desire to ease my embarassment. But you’re right, crazy makes you crazy. That makes a lot of sense now. Other than that there’s no desire for me to be apart of his life, just dissapointment that he’s turned out the way he did. I guess there’s always hope for people and i wish him the best.

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When are you going to let this go?

 

He did not get into a relationship after you broke up, he dumped you for her. I'm certain he was cheating on you.

 

You have wasted almost a years on this. You stay in touch, play his therapist and ego booster. When will it ever be enough? We have all advised you to block, multiple times. I am wondering why you continue to ask for advice, as you never follow it.

 

Time to seek some counseling. This obsession is seriously unhealthy!

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Well i’ve been in therapy for a year. And i wouldn’t say i’m obsessed. You’re entitled to your opinion on that but just from knowing what’s in my mind personally i don’t feel i am. And did you read what i said? I didn’t ask for any advice on this thread. I’ve said multiple times i’m not talking to him anymore. I don’t know why you think i’m still in the spot i was six months ago. Yeah for a good five months we were on good terms, civil, friends. I wasn’t posting on here at all. And i’m not asking for advice in this thread either. I haven’t once asked for advice or insinuated i want to be with him or anything of the sorts. We’ve had an intense relationship. Things are complicated and i’m not sure what you want me to do at this point. Apologize for ever talking to him again? I don’t think i regret that so i won’t apologize. Everyone just keeps repeating the same thing over and over when i never asked for advice or said i was interacting with him anymore. This downfall was very recent. And frankly it’s more like losing a friend to me. I’m not obsessing over him because i felt embarrassed about what happened and wanted to know if my reaction was normal or not. And i don’t care what he thinks. Honestly he’s surrounded by crazy and is crazy himself so if i look crazy to him i don’t think he’d care anyway looking at who he surrounds himself with and how he lives his life. It was just a weird thing that happened and i wanted input. Not advice on if i should interact with him anymore. I already made up my mind on that.

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