Should I let this soulmate go?

On July 2017 I met a guy at a 4 day festival , we hit it off the second we met, sparks flew, the connection was crazy familiar, we felt like we met each other before and questioned why we got along so well so instantly? it was weird. We went on 2 more dates, hooked up each time, it was always so intense when we met up however the timing was off... he was going through a form of depression and a quarter life crisis therefore felt as if he wasn't ready for an actual relationship. So we broke contact off in October 2017.

Fast forward to June 2018 we reconnected.. we arranged to meet up and I didn't know what to expect after 8 months. Things were more intense than ever, we opened up, we made out that was it. However this time around I actually knew I couldn't get into a serious commitment with anyone as I will be travelling in January for 6 months.. but I still was open to the idea of giving us a chance but it was still the same story.. after the second meet up he told me that he still isn't prioritising a relationship right now as he still feels so overwhelmed with life, he doesn't have a job and is figuring his out, and says he really doesn't want to hurt me if spending time with each other is going to do so, I too say that I can't be in a relationship but we both admit we have feelings for each other, however I thought I was capable of anything casual , turns out I am not. This time around we only have s*x once. I wasn't being honest with my soul, truth is I'm not capable of being anything casual with anyone I have a strong spiritual, emotional, physical and mental connection with. I was lying to myself , I'm learning to listen to myself. I'm a woman after all, its so much easier for a man to detach.

Anyways so,

he starts to distance himself from me in fear that I am getting too attached and him hurting me. We have a conversation and he says maybe we shouldn't hook up anymore if it is going to hurt me and says he doesn't understand because I said I don't want a relationship but to him my actions show otherwise.

I was getting frustrated because he literally ignored me for 2 weeks and so when we spoke I was so pissed off at him, i understand he is forgetful and is the woooorst texter in the world (like he genuinely is even his friends says so) but come on like seriously?! i found it so disrespectful that he would just ignore me like that and yet like my photos on instagram and watch my stories.. like I know he's forgetful but no excuses.. it was only when after 3 weeks he called me and I was pissed off because I mean I know we arent actually dating.. but really? a lot of guys i asked said " yeah but you did say you didn't want a relationship so you can't reeeeally be pissed off at him" and maybe they were right. However what upsets me is that I would never treat him like that ever - if it was the other way round.

so we have the talk cool, he asks if we can meet up the next day and cancels the last minute because of bowel problems... fair enough. Two days later i message him asking if he would like to meet up... no response... ever.

I decide to move on, I realise that maybe I was coming off too needy which I was, side note: one thing about me that I've realised is that when it comes to guys i date, I start compromising myself, my values, i become too needy and nice, i avoid confrontation and develop pleasing tendencies. Dating this guy really did drill something in me and it was to learn to love myself, to have self respect and boundaries, my younger sister is so much better at that than me, we are complete opposites, she's very confronting and says it how it is. I'm learning hey.

A month later my sister calls him (just to ask about college advice as she wants to go into his field) they talk then he asks about me.. they talk about me and he says I am a very special person in his life but he felt like he was hurting me the longer we kept engaging. He also felt like I kept apologising for things I didn't need to apologise for and I was compromising too much of myself thats why it was best for him to distance himself from me. He says he wants to speak with me at some point.

After hearing this from my sister I call him a week later, we speak for 10 minutes about casual things then has to go because his mum is calling him and says he will call me back... I fall asleep, he calls me, I miss his call, I call him the next day he doesn't pick up. He never calls me again.

I'm moving on, open to dating other people, went on dates, haven't really met anyone i like but thats fine my goals are my priority, my friends, my family. I still thought about him a lot but kind of accepted we will never talk again. it's fine.

NOW THIS, November 13th I receive a call from a random number at 11am... It was him. 2 months after no conversation. I tell him I'm busy at the gym and ill call later , we talk for 10 minutes before i go into work , he asked if we are still friends and i tell him we are nothing more than "acquaintance" (sorry guys, but do you really believe you can be "friends" with someone you have a strong romantic connection with and harbour feelings for? serious question) we talk again that night for the next 3 hours about everything under the sun.

He explains to me why he distanced himself and how it was for my own benefit and he knew what he was doing as messed up as it sounds, I tell him

"Well Thank You but you are not my Teacher" I must say I did learn a lot and he has helped me grow immensely but I wont give him an excuse for his actions. Anyways, It was a good convo and says he wants to see me before I go away. I do plan on meeting him once.

My question is that... should this time be the last time ever? shall i cut him off everything? We have the most intense connection and he knows it too. Even his mum likes me however I'm starting to feel as if... he benefits more from this connection than I ever do. He talks to me about deep spiritual stuff that none of his friends understands as they aren't into these things which I guess he likes about me...I'm happy when we talk but I hate this "talk once in a blue moon" kind of thing. He is like this with his friends too. He is an introvert. I can't deal with it because If I feel a STRONG connection to people even as friends, I want to talk to them often, I love seeing my friends often, I'm an "often" kind of girl. I want to know how my friends are doing. He isn't like that. at all. It's not fair on me that he gets to pick and choose when he wants to see me, I understand he has his guards up because he's protecting himself romantically and emotionally, but really? I feel like when I meet him I will tell him all of this and how I feel and how maybe it is best that we just cut everything off.. for our own sake.

Thank you for reading I appreciate it :) xxx

me: age 22, cancer, been in one relationship, single for 3 years

him: 25, gemini, been in 3 relationships, single for 1 year half (his last relationship was 6 months)

I think this deep, crazy connection you feel isn't mutual, OP.

Yes, you get along well when you do spend time together, but he's not as interested as you are. If I could tell my 22-year-old self something, it would be that interested guys act interested. And also that when I need to justify to myself why they are distant, there's a problem and it ain't worth sticking around this long to sort it out. For that reason, I wouldn't bother meeting up with him before you go. It will only confuse you more and give you false hope.

You would be best to let go of this idea that he's your soulmate. He's not.

yeah you are right, I need to listen to his actions not his words, he can tell me I'm special, my energy is "amazing" all this kind of crap but his words doesn't match his actions. I'm learning to not be so stupid. still am. However the ultimate reason why I want to meet up with him is because I want to say all of this to his face, he needs to understand that he has crossed my boundaries and he can't just think it's ok. I don't like idea of leaving things unspoken.. you are so right though the minute we have to justify another mans actions, its a problem! but thatssss the thing i just want to say all of this to his face, is it really not worth it? :)

I think this deep, crazy connection you feel isn't mutual, OP.

 

Yes, you get along well when you do spend time together, but he's not as interested as you are. If I could tell my 22-year-old self something, it would be that interested guys act interested. And also that when I need to justify to myself why they are distant, there's a problem and it ain't worth sticking around this long to sort it out. For that reason, I wouldn't bother meeting up with him before you go. It will only confuse you more and give you false hope.

 

You would be best to let go of this idea that he's your soulmate. He's not.

yeah you are right, I need to listen to his actions not his words, he can tell me I'm special, my energy is "amazing" all this kind of crap but his words doesn't match his actions. I'm learning to not be so stupid. still am. However the ultimate reason why I want to meet up with him is because I want to say all of this to his face, he needs to understand that he has crossed my boundaries and he can't just think it's ok. I don't like idea of leaving things unspoken.. you are so right though the minute we have to justify another mans actions, its a problem! but thatssss the thing i just want to say all of this to his face, is it really not worth it? :)

also I believe we have many soulmates - i associate soulmate as someone you have a deep spiritual connection with that helps you progress personally :)

I wouldn’t rely on labels like the made up “quarter life crisis”. Many people in their 20s question professional decisions for example because it’s during or right after higher education. Or question marriage goals or relationship goals and still function typically and interact etc. if he had or has diagnosed depression and it is untreated that is a different thing. I think this was a fun fling and exciting and you learned casual sex is probably not for you. I’m so sorry you had cancer and I’m glad you are better.

I think he was never as into you as you were into him and he enjoyed the infatuation and hanging out and hooking up with you and you did too and didn’t insist on a commitment of any kind. Which is fine and means he was entitled to the casual arrangement you agreed to. I wouldn’t play therapist or over analyze. Enjoy the memories and the new self knowledge you gained. I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he wanted a fwb situation, but you thought it was a deep committed connection for some reason. Misunderstandings happen. It's best to stop communicating with him so that you can start dating guys who want a relationship with you.

We went on 2 more dates, hooked up each time. he was going through a form of depression and a quarter life crisis therefore felt as if he wasn't ready for an actual relationship.

I wouldn’t rely on labels like the made up “quarter life crisis”. Many people in their 20s question professional decisions for example because it’s during or right after higher education. Or question marriage goals or relationship goals and still function typically and interact etc. if he had or has diagnosed depression and it is untreated that is a different thing. I think this was a fun fling and exciting and you learned casual sex is probably not for you. I’m so sorry you had cancer and I’m glad you are better.

I think he was never as into you as you were into him and he enjoyed the infatuation and hanging out and hooking up with you and you did too and didn’t insist on a commitment of any kind. Which is fine and means he was entitled to the casual arrangement you agreed to. I wouldn’t play therapist or over analyze. Enjoy the memories and the new self knowledge you gained. I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to.

that is true, I didn't ask him if he was actually diagnosed depressed or just feeling depressed for a long period. Yes he wasn't wrong for wanting something casual considering that I did agree to it, I just wasn't honest to myself, I'll learn for next time:) yeah I guess all of these experiences are helping me to get over the hopeless romantic phase, still in it but slowly learning :) I'm just thinking what not to do and to do for when we actually meet up before i go, I definitely will get my point across to him and cut the "friendship" officially.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he wanted a fwb situation, but you thought it was a deep committed connection for some reason. Misunderstandings happen. It's best to stop communicating with him so that you can start dating guys who want a relationship with you.

It's true. Misunderstandings happen and yeah definitely will stop communicating with him as its time to make energetic space for someone else that actually wants to date me :)

The only thing you have with him is chemistry, which takes zero effort. And you can have chemistry with thousands of people on the planet if you had the chance to meet that many. It's only biology. You have to consider if the person meets all of your main needs. Instead of getting angry and calling out friends or love interests for not putting in the effort you do, you let the relationship fade away if the person isn't responding as you'd like (if your expectations are reasonable).

Time to start making sure your brain matches your heart when accepting a partner into your life, and whether or not to allow him to stick around. He dumped you once, which means he didn't care enough to work on his problems while putting in the daily effort it takes to have a gf. So within 90 days of meeting you, all of a sudden his depression problems and lack of a job are a problem when they weren't when he was playing kissy face with you? BS. He had the excitement of a little action with a new girl, but when it came time to take it to the next level, he bailed. It's no surprise he repeated the same pattern 8 months later--so predictable.

His idea of a final meeting with you is for a fun hookup before you leave. Your idea is an emotional dumping of your feelings and analyzing his behavior. He will look at you with a seething contempt or boredom as you deliver your speech. You do not need this closure and you won't receive the response you're hoping for from him. I suggest not wasting any more emotional time and energy on this nowhere man. Believe me, when he's one day ready for a real relationship, the hard reality is it won't be with you.

Focus on yourself and the adventure you'll be leaving for next month. Until you work on your self worth, you will keep choosing the wrong men, so I'd spend time on reading books and articles on how to improve self esteem for the sake of your romantic future. Take care.

I think he is a commitment phobe.

His actions (and words) are classic!

The intensity, the sudden disappearances, reappearances, almost like clockwork!

Read "Men Who Can't Love" it's on Amazon, I think it was a bestseller in its day.

Sorry this happened, I am a Cancer myself and tend to be drawn to these intense but troubled guys like bees to honey.

I do think he has/had feelings for you, but his intimacy/commitment fears cause him to want to run away from it.

Do NOT romanticize this, this man is capable of really screwing you up, if you allow it.

If you're smart, you will block and delete him for good.

I do not think he is a commitment phobe. You went on a handful of dates and you were fine with exciting words and a casual arrangement. I think he enjoyed connecting with you because you had things in common plus chemistry and no effort needed to get to know you for purposes of long term potential. It’s easy and fun and healthy when both people want a fun fling. But you wanted more and chose to settle for less. Not his fault and nothing wrong with him. He may not be ready to be with anyone or he just might not have seen long term potential in you. The former is easier on your ego but a waste of time to analyze. For all we know he could meet someone today he is motivated to date to see if there is long term potential. And it’s irrelevant. Nothing personal about you especially since you were fine with no strings attached. I don’t think it makes sense to label someone as phobic in this situation.

His intensity and the fact he kept/keeps disappearing and reappearing is what makes me think he's a commit phobe.

Seriously, read the book I suggested. He sounds very conflicted. Wants it but fears it at the same time which is why he disappears and reappears.

I don't think guys who just want casual are quite so intense, nor do they admit to having strong feelings, then disappearing and reappearing like this.

Once they realize a woman wants more, they stay away for good seeking other casual encounters, but who knows.

Without knowing him, it's impossible to say but his behavior does coincide with men with commitment fears, in my opinion.

His intensity and the fact he kept/keeps disappearing and reappearing is what makes me think he's a commit phobe.

 

Seriously, read the book I suggested. He sounds very conflicted. Wants it but fears it at the same time which is why he disappears and reappears.

 

I don't think guys who just want casual are quite so intense, nor do they admit to having strong feelings, then disappearing and reappearing like this.

 

Once they realize a woman wants more, they stay away for good seeking other casual encounters, but who knows.

 

Without knowing him, it's impossible to say but his behavior does coincide with men with commitment fears, in my opinion.

I have a friend who self labels as a commitment phobe.

She just met a guy and doesn’t feel any hesitation with him. She said the normal triggers that cause her to run aren’t scary with him.

She concluded she’s not a commitment phobe; she just hadn’t found the right guy.

I think that’s common.

^^Yeah that happens too, it happened to me!

My brother is a true commit phobe through, he's dated tons of women who have been the "right" ones and has run away from all of them in a very bizarre and hurtful way.

Seems the more "right" she is, the more fearful he becomes! It's a definite pattern going on for years, he's in his 40s now and still struggles.

So commit phobia is a real thing, but who knows whether that's happening here, impossible to say, jmo based on what I've read about it and of course my brother whose behavior mirrors this guy's.

So commit phobia is a real thing, but who knows whether that's happening here, impossible to say, jmo based on what I've read about it and of course my brother whose behavior mirrors this guy's.

It's a real thing, but it's not as common as we make it out to be.

It's easier to label someone with commitment phobia, a mental health struggle, or some sort of existential crisis than it is to accept that they aren't interested in us.

OP I went through a very similar situation with someone, we started out dating casually, however I ended up wanting more... because I felt like he was my soul mate... once he realized this it changed the dynamic between us. He pulled away because he wasn't ready, and I wasn't the one for him, and no amount of communicating from my side was going to change that.

It seems that once the guy realized you had changed your mind about what you wanted, he put up boundaries to keep you out.

I'm happy when we talk but I hate this "talk once in a blue moon" kind of thing. He is like this with his friends too. He is an introvert. I can't deal with it because If I feel a STRONG connection to people even as friends, I want to talk to them often, I love seeing my friends often, I'm an "often" kind of girl. I want to know how my friends are doing. He isn't like that. at all. It's not fair on me that he gets to pick and choose when he wants to see me, I understand he has his guards up because he's protecting himself romantically and emotionally, but really? I feel like when I meet him I will tell him all of this and how I feel and how maybe it is best that we just cut everything off.. for our own sake.

I also want to add... that when I read the above paragraph, this comes across as a selfish view of friendships. It appears that you look at things from the perspective of what people can (and should) do for you vs. what you can do for them.

Now that doesn't mean you need to have people in your life that you don't jive with, it means that if you can't accept him for who he is then you need to let him go. It isn't fair either for you to demand that he be a certain way with you in order to meet the needs of the friendship.

Ideally you guys would come to some sort of compromise... or you would let him go be himself without you.

Oh boy.

So first off, you’re young, head in the clouds, heart wide open and that has its perks but it also has its pitfalls. Essentially every dude you like becomes this one in a million love, the truth is based on what you wrote it, sounds like this guy was like any other guy you guys hooked up a few times and had a great time.

Think about it if you were soul mates don’t you think you would be a priority? You’re making a whole lot of excuses because you don’t want to give up the ‘idea’ of what he could be but the harsh reality is he was just a fling. He sounds like a decent guy deep down and that’s probably why he distanced himself from you because he sensed you were latching onto him. I also don’t think he’s a commitmentphobe I just don’t think he feels the same way you do.

also I believe we have many soulmates - i associate soulmate as someone you have a deep spiritual connection with that helps you progress personally :)

That is exactly what it is ..we will meet many soulmates in our lifetime , some men , some women ..... put on our path maybe to learn from them or us to teach them .....the love that people want is called a twin flame .

It's a real thing, but it's not as common as we make it out to be.

 

It's easier to label someone with commitment phobia, a mental health struggle, or some sort of existential crisis than it is to accept that they aren't interested in us.

 

OP I went through a very similar situation with someone, we started out dating casually, however I ended up wanting more... because I felt like he was my soul mate... once he realized this it changed the dynamic between us. He pulled away because he wasn't ready, and I wasn't the one for him, and no amount of communicating from my side was going to change that.

 

It seems that once the guy realized you had changed your mind about what you wanted, he put up boundaries to keep you out.

Could be, but he keeps reappearing after weeks, this last time months which is confusing. And declared/declares strong feelings for her, which is also confusing.

Which again is classic CP behavior, a master of the "mixed message" but who the hell knows!

To the OP - no this time will not be different, and it doesn't matter what he is or isn't, you're not on the same page, block and delete.

Well, I'll add that he sounds depressed and when the depression hits hard, he disappears, and when it lightens up you hear from him. But yelling at him or telling him off isn't going to do any good. People can't snap out of their own depression, so it would be like talking to a tree. Getting angry and upset only really makes you angry and upset. I mean, read back the list of emotions you're going through. This is all you. He isn't doing anything, you're making your own self crazy.

Pushing people away is typical of depression. Strong emotions can actually hurt when you're depressed.

Since you're leaving in January, you should probably just back off and try to enjoy the time left before you leave. Hang out with friends and family. Go to Christmas parties and have a good time.

If you still want to deal with this guy of yours, then you've got to treat him like a child, or like a senile aunt. You don't wait for him to call you, you go over to his place and drag him out for a walk or a meal out. You don't wait for him to talk to you, you go to him and talk to him. You're not dealing with someone who can do for themselves. And he's going to keep trying to push you away, but you might be able to get through to him a little bit too by being persistent.

And you've got to have a bit of self confidence in all of this. You're taking all this too personally, like it's all about you, and he's rejecting you because of some fault you have. You have to deal with him with a clear purpose or don't do it at all. But you've got to lead, not follow. So it's your decision on what you want to do.

That's my advice.

Could be, but he keeps reappearing after weeks, this last time months which is confusing. And declared/declares strong feelings for her, which is also confusing.

 

Which again is classic CP behavior, a master of the "mixed

 

To the OP - no this time will not be different, and it doesn't matter what he is or isn't, you're not on the same page, block and delete.

Thank you Katrina for taking your time to respond. Everything you said in the forum has been so helpful and relevant. Yes he does have feelings for me butttt I guess he just doesn't like me enough to actually want something. Which is fine. But yes the final point is " we are not on the same page" and I'm only hurting myself by stringing this along.

And in regards to what you said about reappearing and dissappearing, YES!

I don't know if he is an actual commitment phobe, I just know he just majorly doesn't want a commitment with ANYONE, as this is what he has told his friends even, and I know it's nothing personal towards me but I'm a fool for taking it so personally. It's a him problem not mine.

But I'm tired of this in and out. There probably isn't a point in meeting up too. Expressing how I feel isn't gonna change anything.

His intensity and the fact he kept/keeps disappearing and reappearing is what makes me think he's a commitement phobe

However then again ... is there a difference between commitment phobe or commitment issues? I know he just doesn't want a commitment and he felt like even in his past relationships he wasn't ready to be in one. Like he was in a relationship for 4 years and still felt like he wasn't ready. Is that almost a commitment phobe? Maybe cos he's a Gemini lol but yeah I loved how u knew the cancer reference haha

Could be, but he keeps reappearing after weeks, this last time months which is confusing. And declared/declares strong feelings for her, which is also confusing.

 

Which again is classic CP behavior, a master of the "mixed message" but who the hell knows!

 

To the OP - no this time will not be different, and it doesn't matter what he is or isn't, you're not on the same page, block and delete.

Yes, it might be one of the behaviors of a person who is a commitmentphobe but that doesn't mean everyone who acts this way is one and in this situation he barely knows her so he just as easily could be reacting in this way because he's not interested in her and is concerned that she is far more interested in him.

Great point maew on her take on what friendships require.

I also want to add... that when I read the above paragraph, this comes across as a selfish view of friendships. It appears that you look at things from the perspective of what people can (and should) do for you vs. what you can do for them.

 

Now that doesn't mean you need to have people in your life that you don't jive with, it means that if you can't accept him for who he is then you need to let him go. It isn't fair either for you to demand that he be a certain way with you in order to meet the needs of the friendship.

 

Ideally you guys would come to some sort of compromise... or you would let him go be himself without you.

Ok well I can tell you 100% that I am not a selfish person in my friendships in real life but I can now see how what I said can come across as selfish so let me explain properly... to be honest with you I'm not even like this in my friendships I don't have expectations for when I want to see them or how often I want to see them. However I guess this urgency to want to see him more than once in a blue moon stems from the fact that I .. simply like him? There's that. My mind is just confused each time he comes back to me and makes me question what does he want from me this time. That's all hence why I felt I needed to say that because my heart feels tugged in different directions.