Feeling drowned out(sorry its long)

Ive been in a relationship a little over 4 years now, living together for most of it. For a long time its been strait up miserable on so many levels. What I wanted to talk about specifically at the moment, is his refusal to ever spend quality time together. During the week he gets home from work and watches tv/plays on his phone until he goes to bed. When I talk to him(not just nagging etc, even if Im conversating in a fun way or something like that) most the time I get an attitude of "ugh I dont care your not interesting to me Im missing a scene in a movie Ive seen ten times"....

On the weekends we go out sometimes but usually end up either shopping aimlessly(i hate shopping), driving in circles, or if we actually go do something else he acts like its the worst thing ever. Or if were hiking or something hes rushing like he just wants it over with most times leaving me in the dust.

I tried to get him to play cards or something tonight, he initially blew me off completely so I went and played solitare...he came in and started building card houses and then setting up a game of speed(all while watching tv) It was a pretty good episode of Bigbangtheory so I asked if we could shut it off after the episode ended...nope, he wanted to keep the tv on and kinda play the game...the tv and game on his phone is ALWAYS priority. Unless were in public or a social event which is rare..in which case he drowns me out other ways.

He doesnt understand why I ask if he doesnt want me anymore etc...Note: He wasnt always like this with the screens, he used to other stuff all the time.

I guess my actual question now that you got the gist of it haha..Is this just normal and Im overreacting or? I know stuff dies down and all but even then I figure theres atleast some want for quality time now and then. Heck, we rarely even kiss...he plays on his phone at bedtime puts it down and rolls away with a halfhearted goodnight.

Wont talk about problems between us, swears hes happy and doesnt have any interest in breaking up..if I try to talk about anything about it, it quickly turns into a fight and him telling me I have issues, im crazy etc..

Thanks for any input..

Well, it's not normal. Your boyfriend has you and you're just one of his possessions like his TV, his video games, his cell phone, etc. In other words, you're part of the furniture. It's more than just the honeymoon is over, it's that he just takes you for granted and he wants what he wants when he wants it and he doesn't even consider you. Instead, it's all about him.

What else is going on in the relationship. Does he have frequent arguments with you, or you've stopped arguing with him totally? What's the sex like? Once a month, or just when he wants it? Does he keep you from seeing friends and family, isolating you? Do you clean and cook and he doesn't help with any household chores? There may be more going on than him just ignoring you. If you said you're walking out the door and leaving, would he even care?

And the biggest question is, do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this guy?

Your last part about him fighting with you and telling you it's all in your head sounds like emotional abuse. I'm trying to see if there are other signs. I think this is something to think about, and maybe your relationship is on its last legs.

There is a lot I could go on about...everyone always tells me, oh thats normal you expect too much, or

that Im being paranoid(which I have a history of). Ive always "had issues" but they usually turn out to be with cause..

He really spoils me in the sense of I get almost anything material I want within reason...I dont work, we have 3 dogs that he now adores but didnt originally want.

I do all the housework, cooking, etc. Occasionally hell do a tiny bit of help, usually with a bad attitude. He hasnt done a dish, load of laundry, anything like that since basically we got together. Granted I admit on the dishes its because I have OCD and no dishwasher.

I have gotten to the point where the house is kind of falling apart really...just got sick of it and no motivation/depressed. I get the dinner done most the time usually something easy, dishes, laundry, vacuuming and occasionally the bathroom. Also taking care of the dogs of course.

For alot of the time Ive been unable to leave the neighborhood, its a little one far from town and we often have just one vehicle and he has to have it at work. On how much he seemed worried about doing something about it, when my truck went down with serious issues it took 15 minutes to get his going...money has never been an issue but we finally got a car for me a couple weeks ago after six months.

Dont have much in friends, our mutual friends we saw occasionally just left state. Family he wont say anything about but they dont bother much.

We argue all the time, which I always start IHO.

Sex is nonexistant most the time, I lost interest in the subject entirely. Occassional well have a short streak of lots of it. He swears hes not worried about it.

As far as leaving, Ive said I wanted to break up, asked if he wanted to..always dont go or no. Ive left he reels me back, so on.

At the beginning when it wasnt really serious yet I found out he was seeing another girl, swore just friends but didnt treat it like it...nothing i know of since then

Id like to point out that when we got together I was working, bought my truck myself, lived with my aunt and uncle just cause they needed help with rent(i even kept paying for my room and kept some stuff in it months after i moved out so they werent screwed), I wasnt perfect but I was climbing up the ladder...just wanted to add that so Im not mistaken for a gold digger, I miss my independence. Im 100% dependent.

I forgot to answer too...as far as being with him...I keep telling myself everyones right im just spoiled and things will get better Im just not happy because of the situation and itll change etc. Hes really a good guy, just clueless. Doesnt understand why leaving the house(tiny cave with way too much stuff) on the weekend wasnt enough and stuff. And I think my being so miserable drove him to want to hide from it..

Sorry its so much, my thoughts are so sloppy..

Wow. I think you're suffering from depression and you probably need to see a professional to work out a solution to it. I was afraid he might have been trapping you in the relationship, and it does seem he's possessive, but it also seems you've trapped yourself. You're not spoiled, but you need to get out, meet new friends, maybe get a job. Getting your own car will help you a lot. The arguments are a result of your own frustration with yourself and your situation. Your not happy and you've got to do something.

You might need to get away to find yourself. Maybe go stay with a relative or friend for a while so you can recover your sense of independence. You've got to do something. You don't need your boyfriend's permission to break up. But getting away from it all might help you figure out what you can do to make yourself happy and whether your boyfriend is part of that.

I couldnt go do any of that...I was trapped here for the majority of four years...probably will be again soon since his rig is dying. Friends disappear because Im stuck home from no vehicle during the day and at nights and weekends im stuck with him

A therapist would say two things. Leave him and take these. I wasnt depressed when I got with him. Cant see one anyway, no insurance, cant get it.

I dont start arguments. I try to start a calm conversation so we can solve problems and he blows up.

100% dependent. I have nothing without him. If I leave Im homeless with no vehicle in Alaska. No one has a place for me anymore. Thanks anyway.

And Ive been building up "doing somethings" since the car came into the picture. After four years of this, takes some time to figure out, hey I can leave...what do I do witg that?

And I know you asked if he kept me from seeing friends...He did, just not by saying "your not allowed" directly

Well, then, it's back to emotional abuse. Why don't you Google "emotional abuse" and see if the description fits your relationship. If you had to you could call an Uber to pick you up or walk 9 miles in 3 hours to the nearest bus or train to leave if you wanted to.

No bus or train where Im at, only transportation here is cab...its $30 one way...Walked a few times when I got really desperate but doesnt go well when it takes all day and I can barely walk a while after. Not in the greatest shape anymore, as well as some medical issues thst make it hard to make it that far with no bathrooms or even good spot to squat 😂 tmi. I did get a bike and managed to go that way a couple times, in the summer before road construction got too much in the way. Im still working at it though! Part of my getting back out involves the gym, always walking the dogs atleast a couple miles a day in loops around the neighborhood, and workout videos.

Im not, not trying..questions you asked brought up things that span a 4yr period of things that kind of snuck up on me I guess.

The post was only meant to be about the distance thing..the rest just kind of spilled out

As for the emotional abuse I think it fits, but I also tell myself its in my head..like everyone tells me it is.

Ive been thinking lately this feels worse than when I was physically abused haha, I was able to stay stronger through that, than this..oddly.

Thanks for keeping up the back and forth, for the moment atleast, I feel better.

Reading more into it, seems the abuse goes both ways anymore...maybe more from me now.

Well, that's possible too. But if seems like a toxic relationship even if you're both to blame. He may be totally depressed too which could account for his disinterest in you and his addiction to his phone, TV and video games. Certainly, if he was depressed, that would make you depressed. Try Googling "dealing with a depressed boyfriend" and see if any of that applies. Maybe you need to cheer him up to cheer yourself up. You shouldn't be this unhappy in a relationship.

Why are you not working anymore, OP?

It seems you have no life at all these days, which doesn't help matters. You're dependent on him for just about everything. I would strongly encourage you to look for work again, even if it's something you can do from home.

Both of you are contributing to this dynamic of resentment and complacency.

I used to try cheering him up, hell never admit anything is wrong, aside from "putting up with you" haha. I think we are stuck in a loop of abusing each other...and we can never accomplish a conversation or anything that solves anything so it just keeps looping and getting worse. Trust was lost early in and we never got it back. Were definately both exhausted.

Why are you not working anymore, OP?

 

It seems you have no life at all these days, which doesn't help matters. You're dependent on him for just about everything. I would strongly encourage you to look for work again, even if it's something you can do from home.

 

Both of you are contributing to this dynamic of resentment and complacency.

I second this. Why in the world are you not working? While this isn't an ideal situation, you're contributing to it. He brings the bread home and takes care of you, while you do the chores around the house? Well, it sounds like not really anymore. If you're not working at all, the least you should do is take care of the house if you contribute in no other way. What do you do everyday?

This is a bad dynamic here and your first step is to regain your independence. Look for a job, start working out regularly, do all the chores, and make an effort to regain a life outside of your boyfriend. Get any job, even odd or temp jobs, and start saving for your own transportation. Once you are able enough, you can then re-evaluate your relationship situation when you can stand on your own, if you have no one else.

Why did you move in with him so quickly and quit your job? Unfortunately that is on you, not him. It sounds like you are wasting your time and wasting your life way being a live in housekeeper in exchange for room and board.

You now have a car and certainly you have internet so why aren't you looking for work to improve your boredom, loneliness and lack of independence. Keep in mind, you are not married and therefore can not benefit from his employment benefits, nor do you have any claim on his house.

You can complain all you want but until you get your own money and job with benefits such as health insurance, you are dealing with someone who is as resentful and complacent as you are. Who is telling you "this is normal and you are spoiled"? You are creating your own misery by playing bored frustrated unemployed make-believe housewife. This is all your responsibility and your choice.

when we got together I was working, bought my truck myself, lived with my aunt and uncle. I miss my independence. Im 100% dependent.

Were you originally insinuating that I was the abuser to begin with? I understand if you were

It's not about who is emotionally abusing. It's about you regaining your independence and reducing your self-created misery.

Were you originally insinuating that I was the abuser to begin with? I understand if you were

I dont think he resents that, hes the one that pushed for it, and I am looking for work thankyou. Doesnt come overnight here, especially this time of year.

Why did you move in with him so quickly and quit your job? Unfortunately that is on you, not him. It sounds like you are wasting your time and wasting your life way being a live in housekeeper in exchange for room and board.

 

You now have a car and certainly you have internet so why aren't you looking for work to improve your boredom, loneliness and lack of independence. Keep in mind, you are not married and therefore can not benefit from his employment benefits, nor do you have any claim on his house.

 

You can complain all you want but until you get your own money and job with benefits such as health insurance, you are dealing with someone who is as resentful and complacent as you are. Who is telling you "this is normal and you are spoiled"? You are creating your own misery by playing bored frustrated unemployed make-believe housewife. This is all your responsibility and your choice.

Have you been to a therapist to check on depression, your ocd and other issues you might be experiencng? Why aren't you working anymore? (it might seem out of topic, but your lack of independence is a big part of all of this)

I dont think he resents that, hes the one that pushed for it, and I am looking for work thankyou. Doesnt come overnight here, especially this time of year.

I'd see a red flag in a man who wants me to stop working without having kids with me or even being married to me and especially if I have to leave in an isolated place with no friends or ways move around. Was he trying to control you? Why did you accept this? What were his arguments?

He doesn't seem like a good boyfriend at all, but even though he might have accepted and pushed for being the sole breadwinner of the house, he seems to resent you and see you as a dead weight. You have no life of yourself, no hobbies, no work, no friends nor anything apart from being with him and at home. That has to change. It might happen that after you have your own money and independence you might reconsider if you want to continue in this relationship or not. You might decide this is not for you. But you really need to get a life of yourself. And I know that with depression it's very hard to have the motivation and strength to do this but it's necessary to either save the relationship and save yourself. You'll never be able to have a good relationship with anyone and to enjoy yourself in any way, if you don't have your own life, your goals and some sort of independence. It might seem that you're stuck, but you're not. You can get out of this, but it might require some work and effort.

This has been asked by a few people, and still not answered, so I'll try again: Why are you not working?