Early Dating

Met a man who’s in my area for work for a few months. We’re about to have our fourth date and I’m just wondering if there’s a way to broach the subject about what he’s looking for that will get the most honest response?

He travels a lot & this is a totally new area to him.

I preface with that because on a few separate occasions, this weekend being the first overnight one, he’s mentioned going to see friends. One time didn’t happen and he’s never mentioned rescheduling or going to see those friends again.

I never even thought about it until today, because I’ve just taken him at his word thus far, but it just seems odd that he knows so many different people in an area he’s never been to. I’m beginning to wonder if these friends are really other dates/women he’s meeting.

Fair and I have no legitimate leg to stand on and be upset about since we haven’t discussed anything yet, but I would really be thrown if he were to be seeking weekend getaways with dating app matches and then seeing me literally hours later.

The app we matched on didn’t say what he was looking for, but another app I came across him on said “doesn’t know yet”. It also said he was looking to meet people.

I’m looking for a relationship or short term dating as it would be in this case because I enjoy his company and it seems like we both have a great time together. We haven’t done anything more than make out, but tension is definitely building and I guess I’m just worried he’ll tell me what I want to hear or give me a vague answer once he finds out what I want/am comfortable with and I’ll be none the wiser.

I don’t know enough about him yet, so I don’t want full exclusivity, but I’m all about being sexually exclusive. We aren’t there yet, but if after the last two dates we had it came about that he was actively seeking out to meet other women for a weekend getaway I’d likely just move on because we would not be compatible.

Any advice is appreciated even if it’s just to tell me it’s my cynical brain in overthinking mode lol.

I think you have to take a deep breath, exhale those cynical thoughts.

You've been on four dates and, like you said, you don't know much about him. What you do know is about you: what you want, what boundaries work for you. You're holding both of those, while exploring what's what with him. Great.

I don't see anything wrong with just asking him what he's looking for, knowing he's in town for a short stretch. Be warm, curious. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you, knowing his situation, are open to a short-term thing with the caveat that you don't like to sleep with people who are sleeping with other people. If that's the case—like, if that's really the case—you can put that out there.

What I'd avoid mentioning is these thoughts about his weekend getaways. That's your anxiety and projections—not his business, not at this stage, to soothe.

His response will tell you a lot. You'll either feel comforted or you'll feel guarded. Both are fine, you know? It's information, getting to know someone, seeing if you guys line up or don't.

Hmm. I would have thought you'd ask him what he was looking for on the first date. But, you know, most people don't know what they want. So you can't really trust any answer this early on in a relationship. When I was in my 20s, I wasn't looking to be married. I was just looking for a girlfriend. When you meet the right girl, then you start thinking of marriage, buying a house, having children, etc. It changes your perspective. So me in my 30s was completely different from me in my 20s. At this point, it's kind of early to get a response that's going to be meaningful. You know, you've got to put in about six months of dating before people get a feel for the relationship. You just have to relax. Enjoy the date. If it leads to sex, so be it. It's not the worst thing in the world.

@bluecastle

Definitely would be open to a short term thing if it were to head in that direction. Despite most of my efforts to find a long term partner they fizzle out by the 1-3 month mark anyway haha.

I don’t sleep with people I don’t have a mutual connection and/or feelings for. That mostly looks like not sleeping with someone until we’re exclusive, but even stating that preference has gotten me into a conundrum a time or two (people agreeing and doing all the right things to get to the end goal).

I guess that’s why I’m trying to go into dating and just have fun, but situations like this just make me want to be like “So if you’re going to continuously be physical with me, then it just has to be me.” I won’t say that, but you get the idea.

In total agreement about not mentioning the friend time. We chat about our day and he tells me about things he does, but it’s generic-this morning when I asked what fun things he had planned he said “wineries, live music and just hanging out”. I’ve never thought twice to ask more about it until before when I thought maybe asking like “oh where do you know them from?” Or something to spark conversation and get more insight, but even that feels contrived and I likely won’t bother.

He has so many stories from work and travel and everything he’s learning over these next few months that genuinely intrigue me and I want to know about-in any other scenario I couldn’t care less to probe about his weekend or outings without me beyond the basic niceties and if he has something in particular he wants to share. It’s more like “oh cool! Glad you had fun.”

Most people more than likely don’t analyze how someone says something so he’s probably not even going to notice how I word it. I just don’t want to feel like I didn’t get enough of an answer and have to have follow up questions or something. Some people are very gifted talkers and you walk away like “that literally answered nothing for me”

I tend to agree with you about the honest answer. I’m not concerned that this date will lead to sex, just more so the growing connection we are making the more time we spend together.

I quietly follow here quite a bit and take to heart “watch the feet and not the lips.” So far he’s all feet. From my perspective, it would kind of suck if that lead to sex and then I come to find out I’m just one of many.

I applaud people who can take the “it’s just sex” outlook, but I know that’s not for me.

I suppose I’m trying to suss out if he’s down for short term dating one person or is he trying to meet and see what happens with as many women as he has time for.

@bluecastle

 

Definitely would be open to a short term thing if it were to head in that direction. Despite most of my efforts to find a long term partner they fizzle out by the 1-3 month mark anyway haha.

 

I don’t sleep with people I don’t have a mutual connection and/or feelings for. That mostly looks like not sleeping with someone until we’re exclusive, but even stating that preference has gotten me into a conundrum a time or two (people agreeing and doing all the right things to get to the end goal).

 

I guess that’s why I’m trying to go into dating and just have fun, but situations like this just make me want to be like “So if you’re going to continuously be physical with me, then it just has to be me.” I won’t say that, but you get the idea.

 

In total agreement about not mentioning the friend time. We chat about our day and he tells me about things he does, but it’s generic-this morning when I asked what fun things he had planned he said “wineries, live music and just hanging out”. I’ve never thought twice to ask more about it until before when I thought maybe asking like “oh where do you know them from?” Or something to spark conversation and get more insight, but even that feels contrived and I likely won’t bother.

 

He has so many stories from work and travel and everything he’s learning over these next few months that genuinely intrigue me and I want to know about-in any other scenario I couldn’t care less to probe about his weekend or outings without me beyond the basic niceties and if he has something in particular he wants to share. It’s more like “oh cool! Glad you had fun.”

 

Most people more than likely don’t analyze how someone says something so he’s probably not even going to notice how I word it. I just don’t want to feel like I didn’t get enough of an answer and have to have follow up questions or something. Some people are very gifted talkers and you walk away like “that literally answered nothing for me”

You sound awesome! The gifted talker thing—ouch, admit it stings. I'm probably one of those. Bashful shrug emoji.

Anyhow, here's the thing, which you already know. Whether someone says the right things to get to the end goal, and then about-faces, or their feelings just change because humans are puzzles and puzzling—well, that's the dice roll of dating, right?

I'm like you, in ways. I don't want to sleep with someone unless there is a connection/feelings. But, being honest? I've slept with someone on Monday and, damnit, next Tuesday that connection/those feelings are different.

And I've been on the other side of the same thing, plenty. Happened this past summer. A few dates, connection, a really fun few days of sex and takeout. I wasn't thinking marriage, but I though: hey, this could be a fun something that goes who knows where. Then, well, she bounced. Happens.

I've got a thick skin, and I'm randy for romance, so that's a bruise that heals for me in about an hour. For others the sting lasts longer. Know your threshold, is my motto.

At the end of the day, it's dating, right?

Hey akrngrl,

Just a step for moving forward in future dating... This is not everyone's cup of tea but ask what they are looking for before meeting!

I do this during that messaging phase... Often ask the question before even given them my mobile number while still on the app.

It's not a fool proof method as some of the guys could be lying. I still think it is an easy filtering process.

I would ask what they are looking for. Often guys who are after something casual will say... As why waste your time talking and getting to know someone if you are just after sex? So they tend to be honest. Which point I say I am not after that. Saves me wasting time going on a date with them or talking anymore.

The guys that say they are after a relationship... Could be lying. But it's worth the date you guage them.

So to save this issue. Just ask from the get go!

He may general have friends in the area that he met in life from before. I have friend in NY. Despite only visting there once in my life.

Go on this date. Ask him so honest questions. Then enjoy yourself.

I'm with you on the whole "just sex" thing. So get why you are being cautious.

You only will be able to ease any apprehensions by asking him.

Good luck :)

Hey Jellybean9!

Usually that’s my motto and honestly I usually ask all the hard hitting questions before meeting because I have nothing to lose as we have just matched lol.

I hardly interacted with this guy before agreeing to go for coffee. His super close proximity made it easier to go with it because I was already going to be in that part of town running errands. Usually my first meets require a bit of travel so I suppose I’m more stringent on my preferences. Lessons learned [emoji28]

He had mentioned wanting to travel the world still on the first meet so I kinda wrote him off as fun guy to spend time with, but obviously not my future husband. I’ll be darned though if he hasn’t shown up in every way on all accounts thus far (paying for dates, making tentative dates at the end of each and then following up in a timely manner to finalize them via text, etc).

Thise may all be things that a genuine, good person would do, but in my head I’m like “Oooooo look at this consistency!”

Honestly had I not known he’s only here for a short time or come across his “doesn’t know what he’s looking for” on the other app, I would think his actions were pointing to serious relationship.

I will definitely ask him! I guess my biggest worries are coming across like I want more at this stage unintentionally or receiving a breezy response like “I don’t know, I want to meet people and have fun” and then not knowing if/how I should respond to that.

Since you are up for short term/casual dating then have fun and see what happens. If you want to include sex, have sex, if not then don't. "What he's looking for" is clear. Short term.

However if you want exclusive dating before having sex, discuss that. But keep in mind this thing has an expiration date in a few months.

Met a man who’s in my area for work for a few months. We’re about to have our fourth date. I’m looking for a relationship or short term dating as it would be in this case because I enjoy his company and it seems like we both have a great time together.

How far away does he live? In essence, if it continued, it would end up as a LDR, a high risk for failure for a new relationship, and expensive, and most days being companionless. Plus, if the odds were for you, and it worked out, one of you would have to make the major move of uprooting.

If it were me, I would assume a guy wanting to date in a place he'll only briefly be in, is looking for short term. So he has the leisure time and money for dates while he's there? So what. I know when I did OLD, I stuck to dating locally, and if a guy told me he'd only be in town for 2 months, I would've passed.

But you're not me so you have your own decisions to make, but I will tell you one way I asked the question your seeking to new dating prospects after a few dates. I'd ask: So what is your dating style? Do you multi-date, or do you like to focus on one person at a time? You can get a discussion going about that, and if you like the answer, ask what his relationship history has been--another insight to his pattern. This discussion might give you a better insight as to if you should continue with him or not. Let us know how it goes.

If I remember correctly his new job uproots him every few years potentially all over the world. I don’t really expect it to continue as I think part of what makes it work is the fact that we are in essence, in a bubble of good factors that make this as favorable as it seems.

Yes, that’s typically how I OLD as well, and I did sort of write it off after our first meet, but then I figured why not pursue something short term if the conditions are right. All of my “relationships” I’ve been in the last handful of years, despite my best efforts to find a potential husband have only lasted 1-3 months so I figured this would be on the longer end of that time frame and the only difference would be I’m not going in thinking/hoping it has ~forever potential.

Can I just say that I LOVE that way of asking!? I was literally just like “AHA THATS PERFECT!” haha. I don’t feel like it’s clingy or needy at all and it kind of takes me out of it so I can just get a feel of how he typically handles things. I’m definitely going to use that the next time we get together (hopefully tonight). That’s 100% what I was looking for, thank you!

Like you even said. Going into dates with other guys you don't know the outcome.

If right now you like the way he is treating you. Why not have some fun? Means you won't get hurt in the process. As you know he will be leaving and can only expect it all for a short time.

Beats hoping for a long lasting relationship only for the the guy a couple months later be like "sorry I've got cold feet".

Embrace the right now and don't ask questions.

I'm like you though. I would hate to be one of many. So maybe hint about exlusivity before sex. Don't press on the what do you want long term question.

As you can have sexual exlusivity but not want anything long term.

Have fun with him :)

Update: he had to cancel tonight, but we rescheduled for early this week! Hopefully I can keep the mindset and not get side tracked [emoji23]

Thank you everyone for your advice thus far!

Hey guys!

Sorry to keep posting here, but I don’t have many real life people to discuss with.

I chickened out/didn’t find a good time to discuss sexual exclusivity and dating style. It didn’t seem to come up without sounding forced.

He was talking about when he comes back to the area, etc because he got some of his timeline I suppose . So I think now I’m more questioning “what is this?” because he’s going way above and beyond what I’ve experienced from men in general and he’s trying to make future plans on top of it.

It’s been just about a month. Do I just sit through this grey area until it’s appropriate to ask where he stands/what he wants from this? I know that’s a dreaded talk and I’m awful about being playful. I can be lighthearted, but it’s usually with self deprecation and that’s not exactly how I want to portray myself in this situation. Is there too soon to ask?

My guy friend said that he’s probably just trying to lock down something consistent by me and doesn’t actually really care who it is. It could be true, but he tends to get bitter so I take what he says with a grain of salt. Maybe everyone will agree though.

Everyone is different a month may seem too soon to some for the "exlusivity" talk but othees will see it as the right time (me included).

I've been fortunate that men have brought it up to me and I've not had to wonder if u should. I've been glad when they have as it showed their intentions.

So by you outright asking he may commend you for it.

There was one occasion a guy pushed exclusivity on me very early on 2nd date. Yes it scared me. Wish I listened to my gut then too. As I later discovered I hadn't healed from my last relationship. So all in all it made me pull away.

So let's say you question sexual exlusivity with this man and he pulls away... It tells you alot about him. Main one being he isn't ready.

As hard as a talk it is. Would rather get it out the way sooner than later down the line.

So me being me. Espicially now as I'm not interested in time wasters. I would ask him... That way you know where you stand.

Others may disagree but that's what I would do personally.

Best of luck with what ever you decide :)

Everyone is different a month may seem too soon to some for the "exlusivity" talk but othees will see it as the right time (me included).

 

I've been fortunate that men have brought it up to me and I've not had to wonder if u should. I've been glad when they have as it showed their intentions.

 

So by you outright asking he may commend you for it.

 

There was one occasion a guy pushed exclusivity on me very early on 2nd date. Yes it scared me. Wish I listened to my gut then too. As I later discovered I hadn't healed from my last relationship. So all in all it made me pull away.

 

So let's say you question sexual exlusivity with this man and he pulls away... It tells you alot about him. Main one being he isn't ready.

 

As hard as a talk it is. Would rather get it out the way sooner than later down the line.

 

So me being me. Espicially now as I'm not interested in time wasters. I would ask him... That way you know where you stand.

 

Others may disagree but that's what I would do personally.

 

Best of luck with what ever you decide :)

Thank you Jellybean! I feel like we’re a lot alike

so I’m grateful to have your perspective when I feel like I’m not good at seeing things clearly.

Any tips on how to bring it up? I’ve basically spent wayy too long on google to learn that there’s no safe way. Some say don’t ask, just state your standards (I had planned to do that with sexual exclusivity), but then most said never use sex as a bargaining chip (which makes sense so I pulled back on that).

I’m also debating between going to sexual exclusivity to be on the safe side for now and maybe asking “where do you see this going?” type questions next month, a little closer to when he’s leaving. I can’t tell if that’s too much “heavy” though.

I almost wish his actions aligned with how I perceived him from his profile at this point haha. I really feel like he gives me the royal treatment and normally I’m like “yeah you’re cool but we’d never work out”.

Doesn’t help that I’m so used to/and like being on my own that I’ve always joked I’d do best with a husband that lived on another continent [emoji23]

After some of the guys I've dated a husband on a different continent doesn't seem a bad thing. I may cast my net wider.

Now it's hard... As everyone is so different. I'm not sure what the guy is like your dating.

I've had one guy bring it up by saying "I'm not seeing anyone else right now as I'm enjoying spending time with you, was wondering your thoughts on that?" Thought that was a nice way of phrasing it. It is at a risk of him saying "well I'm actually seeing other women" but unless you ask you'll never know. Lukcy for the guy who asked me I hadn't been seeing anyone else other than him so said that to him. Then we spoke of exclusivity. So that's how it can lead I suppose.

Like I said I'm very blunt with my questions about what they want before I meet them. I think that's why some of the guys get a feel for me not messing about.

The last guy I dated I actually didn't question his dating history before. Like how long have you been single ect. Before meeting... Risky I know. We hit it off instantly by quirky sense of humour. Couple dates in he says I can tell you are the type of girl not to "date around" basically getting at the point of sleeping around. I said not really and he shared he wasn't either. I never prompted for exlusivity but he asked for it himself. Again something I personally liked. So people pushing for it early on in a relationship is something I really respect.

So outright asking isn't a bad thing especially where he isn't in the city permanently. So the "where do you see this going?" Is a nice question.

Also wherever you have read that suggest stating what your standards is like using sex as a bargaining chip are wrong! You have ever right to state your standards. I do prior to meeting guys state I'm not looking for anything casual. I wouldn't say that was me using sex are a bargaining chip. Honestly some of the articles you read out there make you so scared to say anything you want to say.

There are so many ways to phrase this! You have to ultimately which is right for you and your situation.

After some of the guys I've dated a husband on a different continent doesn't seem a bad thing. I may cast my net wider.

 

Now it's hard... As everyone is so different. I'm not sure what the guy is like your dating.

 

I've had one guy bring it up by saying "I'm not seeing anyone else right now as I'm enjoying spending time with you, was wondering your thoughts on that?" Thought that was a nice way of phrasing it. It is at a risk of him saying "well I'm actually seeing other women" but unless you ask you'll never know. Lukcy for the guy who asked me I hadn't been seeing anyone else other than him so said that to him. Then we spoke of exclusivity. So that's how it can lead I suppose.

 

Like I said I'm very blunt with my questions about what they want before I meet them. I think that's why some of the guys get a feel for me not messing about.

 

The last guy I dated I actually didn't question his dating history before. Like how long have you been single ect. Before meeting... Risky I know. We hit it off instantly by quirky sense of humour. Couple dates in he says I can tell you are the type of girl not to "date around" basically getting at the point of sleeping around. I said not really and he shared he wasn't either. I never prompted for exlusivity but he asked for it himself. Again something I personally liked. So people pushing for it early on in a relationship is something I really respect.

 

So outright asking isn't a bad thing especially where he isn't in the city permanently. So the "where do you see this going?" Is a nice question.

 

Also wherever you have read that suggest stating what your standards is like using sex as a bargaining chip are wrong! You have ever right to state your standards. I do prior to meeting guys state I'm not looking for anything casual. I wouldn't say that was me using sex are a bargaining chip. Honestly some of the articles you read out there make you so scared to say anything you want to say.

 

There are so many ways to phrase this! You have to ultimately which is right for you and your situation.

Right? [emoji23] Like go over there man, I’m good here doing my thing haha.

I wish he’d ask. Realistically I know it’s too early and heck, at this point I don’t even need it to be a “let’s be together forever hopefully”, but more an indication of where he sees it going if things continue to be positive. Part of me worries that if I don’t clarify I’ll just be the gal he hits up for a good time (sex or just going out) when he’s in town and that’s not my jam.

Yes! I meant it as more my initial convo was going to be like “hey, I like you and I’d love to go further, but I’m a one man kinda gal and would like to know we’re only doing this with each other before we proceed”. Playful as that sounds I can see it coming across as “no commitment, no sex” plus I suppose anyone can say anything in the moment to get what they want.

I do like your tips though! I may try to bring back around completing our dating activity list when he comes back and go from there about what those “in between” months would look like.

Thank you! [emoji5]

Only because I can relate to the sort of person you are. In terms of not wanting to be one of many girls.

Is this guy really that special to have all this worry about? Where he isn't constantly in your city... Wouldn't you want more stability and being able to look around for that than wondering with him?

Curious are you still dating around? As much as I am a one man sort of girl too. Before "sexual exlusivity" has been established I would still date other people. Obviously I only have sex once I've established "sexual exclusivity" so I'm not sleeping around but I'm still keeping my options open.

I feel you are in a position until you have a chat with him to still date around. Who knows you may find a decent guy in the city who is stable there.

Although I can't remember if you said you city lacked decent men or if that was a different thread.

It's unclear why you would have the "what are we" or "what do you want from this" or any sort of relationship or future talk with someone who is only passing through for a while. If you are ready for or have sex simply state that you need sexual exclusivity during the time you are sexually active with him. That is sensible, fair and reasonable. Relationship and future talks are unnecessary because he is there temporarily.

Met a man who’s in my area for work for a few months. We’re about to have our fourth date and I’m just wondering if there’s a way to broach the subject about what he’s looking for that will get the most honest response?

It's unclear why you would have the "what are we" or "what do you want from this" or any sort of relationship or future talk with someone who is only passing through for a while. If you are ready for or have sex simply state that you need sexual exclusivity during the time you are sexually active with him. That is sensible, fair and reasonable. Relationship and future talks are unnecessary because he is there temporarily.

Mostly because of his discussion of when he comes back for the summer. That wasn’t realistically in the cards originally and it was a lofty “1-4 years” away at that.

Maybe I don’t understand men, but the ones I’ve encountered with want a hot and heavy whirlwind romance when they “future talk” and the ones that kind of just want to “enjoy the now” wouldn’t bring up next week in terms of making plans.

Only because I can relate to the sort of person you are. In terms of not wanting to be one of many girls.

 

Is this guy really that special to have all this worry about? Where he isn't constantly in your city... Wouldn't you want more stability and being able to look around for that than wondering with him?

 

Curious are you still dating around? As much as I am a one man sort of girl too. Before "sexual exlusivity" has been established I would still date other people. Obviously I only have sex once I've established "sexual exclusivity" so I'm not sleeping around but I'm still keeping my options open.

 

I feel you are in a position until you have a chat with him to still date around. Who knows you may find a decent guy in the city who is stable there.

 

Although I can't remember if you said you city lacked decent men or if that was a different thread.

It wasn’t my thread, but it may as well have been [emoji23].

I honestly wish I could say no haha. Even to have something that I’d be like “meh we probably wouldn’t get along actually” I mean I’m having a legitimate blast spending time with him, but I promise I’m hunting for dealbreakers with his personality. I have a bunch of dealbreakers and (for my area currently anyway) what would be considered a unique lifestyle and future goals, so by and large I next people pretty quickly.

We talk daily, but not constantly, which is fantastic. He’s consistently thinking of things and making the effort to plan with me so I’m never wondering about seeing him. This is a new one for me: I’m pretty comfortable around him, but I’m still excited/anxious to get to see him.

I had a meet already scheduled with someone after our first ~official date, but that was a travesty. I’ve matched and talked to handfuls of guys since we’ve been going out, but nothing has warranted an actual meet. There was a hopeful lawyer, but our long term goals didn’t match. After wishing him well he asked if I was kinky in bed 🤦🏻♀️

We’ve got our 7th date tonight so I’ll see if I can ask more ~personal questions.

It wasn’t my thread, but it may as well have been [emoji23].

 

I honestly wish I could say no haha. Even to have something that I’d be like “meh we probably wouldn’t get along actually” I mean I’m having a legitimate blast spending time with him, but I promise I’m hunting for dealbreakers with his personality. I have a bunch of dealbreakers and (for my area currently anyway) what would be considered a unique lifestyle and future goals, so by and large I next people pretty quickly.

 

We talk daily, but not constantly, which is fantastic. He’s consistently thinking of things and making the effort to plan with me so I’m never wondering about seeing him. This is a new one for me: I’m pretty comfortable around him, but I’m still excited/anxious to get to see him.

 

I had a meet already scheduled with someone after our first ~official date, but that was a travesty. I’ve matched and talked to handfuls of guys since we’ve been going out, but nothing has warranted an actual meet. There was a hopeful lawyer, but our long term goals didn’t match. After wishing him well he asked if I was kinky in bed 🤦🏻♀️

 

We’ve got our 7th date tonight so I’ll see if I can ask more ~personal questions.

Well looks like you have explored options which is really good.

Sounds like you both get on really well and that is hard to come by!

So you know what girl! Go for it and just hint fit what he is asking for.

PS. Thank God you ditched the kinky lawyer lol