QUESTION FOR FEMALES: Do I have a chance of getting her back?

Hey guys,

I'm new to the forum. Long story short, I met this AMAZING girl 5-6 months ago. We are both 27 years old. We hit it off from our very first date, met her family a month later and became exclusive. The last 5 months had been nothing but pure amazingness for the both of us. The only issue is the lack of time off together (we both have opposite days off) and the distance. We live about 50 miles away from each other. We made it work and saw each other at least twice per week for at least a couple of hours. I could tell the distance was bothering her, but it didnt stop us from seeing each other. She suffers from depression, and is extremely unhappy because of her job and other personal stresses in her life. I was there for her through it all. I was nothing but supportive and her shoulder to cry on. Throughout the time we were together, she always told me she loved me and was extremely appreciative that I was in her life. She asked me to promise that this would be forever, and before we got to the I love you stage, she told me "the next time I say I love you to someone, I want to make sure its my last time". We finally got to the I love you stage and thats where things seemed to blossom. She told me every day that she found "her one" by being with me, and that she had never been so sure of something in her life. On top of that her family had hated every single new boyfriend she had brought home in her life, but the second they met me they fell in love. They could tell I was an amazing person and approved of me.

The only issues we had in the relationship was that I vape and drink. I told her I was going to slowly cut back on my vaping and try to quit. Not only for us, but for my health. I succeeded in slowing it down. I would not do it around her when we saw each other. Each week I vaped less and less until I was close to quitting. I was making a lot of progress in two months but because I hadn't quit right away it ate her up. As for the drinking, I would drink on the days I saw her considering they were my days off. I'll be honest, sometimes I overindulged around her after a long week. This is a very sensitive subject considering her ex boyfriend was a major alcoholic, which is the reason they broke up. He kept telling her he would stop, yet he would be sneaking drinks behind her back. Drinking for her is not an issue. Heck, she drinks too. But I guess when she hears someone saying they are going to quit doing something and it doesnt happen right away she automatically thinks its the same issue she had with her ex. Anyways, because I wasn't putting a complete stop on certain things right away (even though she said she was understanding at first that quitting vaping would take time) she started getting snippy with me regularly about random things that there was no need to be snippy about. I think it was these issues taking their toll on her. Sure, I wasn't vaping around her, but she knew I vaped when I wasn't around her. I never tried to hide this from her and told her my progress along the way.

Then about two weeks ago came my birthday. We had a great time, and she gave me a very heartfelt birthday card that had Superman on the front with the words, "you're my hero..." and when I opened the card she wrote a full page about us. To sum it up, one of the things she wrote is "you are such a loving, honest, caring, handsome, funny, and carefree boyfriend and I love it all. I know we've only been together for 5 months but I can honestly say I see great things in our future!" It was the most heartfelt card I have ever received. Throughout our relationship we have been nothing but great communicators of our feelings which is what made us so strong. I know that day, she meant every word she put in her card. Her mother and father also wrote me a card that said, "Thank you for being so kind to our daughter and always putting a smile on her face". This showed me that she was smiling and talking about me positively around them and that she wasn't just acting happy with me when she wasn't.

Two weeks after my birthday I was over at her place. She and her sister live together and her sister is home most of the time we are there. The last few months we have had a decline in being intimate in our relationship because she never seems to be in the mood due to her stress at work and general unhappiness. The chances we do have (when we go to bed) she states she doesnt feel comfortable doing it because her sister is under the same roof and she feels as though it is disrespectful. I made the mistake on fighting with her about this. We didnt raise our voices, but I told her that the lack of intimacy was getting to me. I also told her that her and I only get to spend two days per week together while her and her sister see each other everyday, yet when I'm over there she likes to have long one on one conversations with her sister and I sometimes feel as though I'm not even there. We went to bed that night after the disagreements and I went to work the next day.

Three days later she texted me saying she didnt see things working out and her depression and general unhappiness is taking its toll on her. She said "You have taught me what it feels like to be treated right and loved and cared for in a relationship. I have never had that. I need to find my own happiness. If I cant make myself happy, how can I make someone else happy?" I completely understand that point of view. She also stated that between that, the distance, lack of time off together, the vaping, and sometimes overindulging in alcohol she felt like we had major disconnects that could not be resolved. In my opinion, I feel like all of them can be resolved. Hell, I majorly cut back on vaping and drinking as a whole but I guess by the time I got there she was already done. The next few days I kept asking her for clarity as I saw our relationship as a healthy one for the most part. Sure, we had a few hiccups but those were starting to solve themselves. In fact, come January, I may very well be able to share the same days off with her with my jobs schedule changing.

After the night she broke up with me (1 week ago) I realized that I had royally messed up by not stopping the things that bothered her right away. I immediately stopped these things after that. So far I am 1 week vape free and havent touched an alcoholic beverage in 1.5 weeks (not that I had a drinking problem to begin with). I did these things to prove I was capable of making change for our relationship as well as my health. I wouldn't say I've necessarily begged for her back as much as me constantly asking her why these so called disconnects couldn't be resolved. I asked her if we could start again on a fresh slate as friends and work our way up starting over with things in the past. She told me we could not just go back to being friends. It got to the point where she told me that we were going in circles with the conversation and she told me, "as of today I am deciding for this to be our last contact because this isnt healthy to keep discussing it". She then shut me out, deleted me off of facebook and snapchat and asked me to send her key to her parents address since she doesnt check her mail at her place. I ended up replying, "I'm sorry you cant have a mature conversation and have things end on good terms while you find your own happiness. I'm sorry I couldn't do more for you. You may find that you will miss me and that I wasn't so bad after all. Let me know when you have a change of heart." Then silence.

Two days go by and I realized I pushed her to hard. I sent her a text telling her that I was doing well and had cooled off and that I hope she had too. I stated that I really feel as though we said and did some things that we could possibly regret in the future by leaving things on bad terms. I brought up a happy memory of a few days before our first date and told her that god blessed me with the opportunity to have her in my life and prove that I was worthy of the first date and that I was happy for that. I also told her that if we left it off on good terms we would have a better chance of starting again in the future if thats the route we decide to take and we are both still single at the time. I let her know that I felt like we were very compatible over all and that we are a couple just going through a rough patch at the moment. In this text I added a few humorous things to hopefully at least put a little smile on her face. I left that text off with, "If you dont reply based on everything thats happened the last few days, I'll understand. Just know that I'm thinking about you and want nothing but happiness for you.

She didnt reply. But the very next day (today) I texted her informing her that I no longer had her parents address to send the key back to. She replied about an hour later giving me the address followed by "I'm not ignoring you, I just want some time to digest and respond to you. I'm glad to hear you're doing better". I did not reply to her because I want to give her the space she asked for and I hadn't been giving that to her.

So as of right now, I just have to wait for however long (I'm assuming a day or two) for her to reply to the message I sent her two days ago.

I have no reason to think there is any other reasons for the breakup other than her general unhappiness and she feels certain disconnects and that we have different personality traits. I can assure you she is not seeing anybody else and really just wants some time to work on herself. I just dont understand how she can go from saying in a card, "I see great things for us in the future" 2 weeks ago to saying there is no hope for us, she is moving on, and our disconnects could not be resolved. The only thing that happened in between that timeframe was the small argument about the lack of intimacy and how I sometimes feel like a third wheel around her and her sister. We are extremely compatible overall, but we have been having minor disagreements. Nothing that I dont feel can be worked out.

That all being said, here is my question to everybody but preferably female dumpers, if you were the dumper in this situation, would you come back?

So, you were perfectly capable of stopping the vaping and drinking while you were still together but you chose not to...why? Did you think she didn't really mean it?

That being said, if she wants a boyfriend who doesn't vape or drink she should date a man who doesn't do either. Not try to "change" you because she's carrying baggage around.

I personally would be turned off by the continued messaging after she asked you to stop. Maybe it was "only" two messages, but it was still not respecting her wishes.

Give her more an "a day or two". If she wants space you need to rein in your anxiety and give it to her. Or you risk turning her off permanently.

Thank you for your reply. I have no good reason whatsoever why I didnt quit when I had time. I have ZERO excuses for that. She never tried to change me, she just expressed how much it bothered her. She never once told me "you need to change" I never replied to her last message about how she is not ignoring me, as I have nothing left to say now that I know where to send the key to. I just really hope this can all be corrected.

P.S. Sorry if I posted two replies to your response. The first one I wrote never showed up so I rewrote it.

My take is: there's a chance here, but you have to dial it way, way back. When someone says they need space, you give them space, even when it hurts. That's respect. It might be a week, it might be months—you have to get comfortable in that space, and you have to kind of let go of any outcome. You don't use that space to do x, y, and z to ensure she returns to you, but to do whatever it is you need to do to feel like you.

That said, the vaping/drinking thing? I'd kind of be annoyed, frankly, if I was in your shoes. I do both those things. I'll stop one, or both, if I feel like it, not because someone isn't feeling it, and especially (in the case of drinking) if it's to atone for someone else's sins. That speaks to some unresolved stuff, and honestly I think the space is good for her to resolve that.

She sounds great, you sound great. She does sound (a) confused/depressed but (b) aware of it and aware that she needs to sort through it. Let her. In silence, in space. That's compassion. And, for you? Use the silence and space to figure out what you want, what habits you want to break and keep—for you, not for another.

I know it's hard, and I'm sorry for the pain and confusion.

Thanks for your reply. Yeah, I do need to give her the space and thats what I'm doing from here on out.

The drinking is so easy to stop considering I never had an alcohol problem. I just had some long weeks at work and she would go to bed early so I got bored and used that as an excuse. The vaping was super hard to stop, but I guess the reason I am not annoyed about it is because I wanted to quit even before I met her. I guess I just didnt feel I had any reason to. When I met her, she changed me for the better and got me to slow down. It was more of my decision on what was more important to me. Her or the E-cig. She didnt give me that ultimatum, its a decision I made on my own and got serious about. I thought easing into it would be my best bet though. But let me tell you, since she broke up with me I havent even thought about vaping again. I'm a man of my word always, so

I hear you, buddy.

I'm just saying, there ain't nothing wrong with wanting a beer or three after a long day. Maybe that rubs someone the wrong way—fine. Might mean that person isn't for you. Just remember: it is not your job to be the superhero that her ex wasn't, and to prove that by quitting things you like.

I don't have an alcohol problem either, but I do like to drink. A martini and oysters—um, sorry, no one is stopping me from that occasional joy. I've dated people who drink less than me, people who drink more, people who don't drink at all. When I smoked 1.5 packs of cigarettes a day I dated a dental hygienist for a minute—she thought it was terrible, understandably, but she also knew it was me, what she was getting into. My ex smoked a mountain of pot, something I don't do or care for, but she liked it, handled it well, and I respected that it was part of her life.

Just sharing all that for reference. You don't want to be made to feel guilty for being who you are by someone else. That's generally their own issues, being projected onto you.

All that said, yeah, just give space and process this moment. Heal a bit. Let go a bit.

It definitely has nothing to do with me feeling guilty for me being who I am. Like I said, her feelings are more important to me than a few brews or a few drags off the smoker. It just shows me who I really am and what I want to be. Shes definitely not saying I cant drink. Its just overindulging that bothers her.

It's her depression. I hate to say it, but it's easy to predict the course of a relationship with someone who is depressed. Eventually they wind up pushing people away for a number of reasons. Sometimes they feel they're not good enough to have a nice boyfriend. Believe it or not, experiencing happiness can trigger even more depression. The depression takes away their love and other positive emotions, leaving only negative emotions. I don't think it matters if you quit drinking and vaping or not, her depression would have found some other excuse to push you away.

Rather than writing her messages, you could ask her parents how they handled her when she was like this. One strategy would be to ignore what she has told you and continue doing things for her, like maybe bringing her flowers or bring her gifts of things she likes. You want to show her love and support while you hope that eventually she will come out of the depression and realize that you're still there caring about her.

You can do some research about depression as well. Google terms like "how to deal with girlfriend with depression" and get some helpful advice. You want to show her that you still care and you want to try everything you can to cheer her up. Sometimes showing that you're upset can cause her to comfort you. So there's a lot of things you can try. Try to get her out of her apartment and outside. For example, go out and look at the Christmas decorations, or go to museums and plays. Or just sit there and let her cry all over you. You've got to be there. If you want this relationship, you have to fight back and ignore her trying to push her away.

Thanks for taking the time to reply DanZee. I completely agree that her depression is the main factor even though she denies it and says certain differences can't be resolved.

I like your idea about contacting her parents and asking them how they dealt with her during times like these and your ideas about showing her I care through actions, but I don't want to seem too pushy and disrespectful to the space she needs.

I don't know how else to handle it all when she's pushed me out other than to wait for her to do what she says she's doing and to "digest" everything I said before she responds. I'm certain she will be writing to me in the next few days. But if she doesn't I think I'll give her at least 3 weeks space to decide if the breakup was a mistake or not. I'm just wondering how often depressed dumpers regret their actions.

Believe it or not, I also suffer from depression/anxiety so one would think I would understand her decision. However, I handle my depression completely differently and want/need people in my life to help me through it. And when I have a significant other, it really helps because I know they are committed and they actually care instead of pretending to.

I think giving her gifts or trying to get her to go out with you or contacting her parents (how very invasive!) when she asked for time and space would be incredibly disrespectful. Barging in now would prove to her how right she was to walk away.

Can you just rein in your anxiety and respect her wishes?

While I think your vaping and drinking bothered her, I do not think that's the only thing that caused the demise of this relaitonship. I don't even think it's the main factor.

My take is that she has got some personal issues too, and that you overlooked some red flags about her as well. You dated a short time, and yet she was pushing you to promise this was forever. That suggests to me that she was looking to plug up some void inside her, but wasn't using a lot of common sense in her approach to this relationship. I have no doubts she genuinely liked you, but you two were just in the beginning stages of this and could not realistically predict if this would be forever. To me, mature and healthy relationship candidates don't push for "forever" when they're still getting to know their partner.

The decline in intimacy after just a couple months is another sign that something more was wrong. I understand that she didn't want Sis overhearing you two, but I would find it strange if she was okay with sex under her roof in the beginning but later decided it was not acceptable. Yes, if she suffers from depression, this is more than likely a contributing factor to the dried-up intimacy. But it's a tall order when you've barely begun the relationship and already need to support her through these things.

So in a nutshell, I would not make the mistake of assuming you are the only one who made some missteps along the way, nor that you alone making changes will salvage this. It's pretty clear to me she has some inner work to do too, and as of now, she wants to do that alone. Now isn't the time to continue pushing for contact, to "remind" her of nice memories, to try to revive this - she has to want that too. Will she come back? It's hard to say, but I think now would be a good time for you to evaluate how well this was truly going, and whether or not she was actually ready for a serious relationship. I am sensing that she wanted to be ready, but for a number of reasons, she isn't.

Sorry to hear this. Do you have your own place? Why would you push for sex in her sisters house when she is uncomfortable doing that? Unfortunately it seems you are simply incompatible. That in addition to many logistical issues including distance, privacy, schedules etc. It's over, accept it, send her key back and delete and block her. Her reasons for ending it are very logical and valid.

I met this AMAZING girl 5-6 months ago.

-The only issue is the lack of time off together (we both have opposite days off) and the distance. We live about 50 miles away from each other.

-The only issues we had in the relationship was that I vape and drink.

-she states she doesnt feel comfortable doing it because her sister is under the same roof and she feels as though it is disrespectful.

-Three days later she texted me saying she didnt see things working out and her depression and general unhappiness is taking its toll on her.

 

-She also stated that between that, the distance, lack of time off together, the vaping, and sometimes overindulging in alcohol she felt like we had major disconnects that could not be resolved.

-She then shut me out, deleted me off of facebook and snapchat and asked me to send her key to her parents address.

Is she getting any help for her depression? Is she looking for another job?

Do not reach out to her, again. It is annoying and disrespectful.

I think giving her gifts or trying to get her to go out with you or contacting her parents (how very invasive!) when she asked for time and space would be incredibly disrespectful. Barging in now would prove to her how right she was to walk away.

 

Can you just rein in your anxiety and respect her wishes?

Yes. Do not do that. It would be terribly invasive. i would never speak to you again. Listen to what SHE asked. Leave her in peace.

While I think your vaping and drinking bothered her, I do not think that's the only thing that caused the demise of this relaitonship. I don't even think it's the main factor.

 

My take is that she has got some personal issues too, and that you overlooked some red flags about her as well. You dated a short time, and yet she was pushing you to promise this was forever. That suggests to me that she was looking to plug up some void inside her, but wasn't using a lot of common sense in her approach to this relationship. I have no doubts she genuinely liked you, but you two were just in the beginning stages of this and could not realistically predict if this would be forever. To me, mature and healthy relationship candidates don't push for "forever" when they're still getting to know their partner.

 

The decline in intimacy after just a couple months is another sign that something more was wrong. I understand that she didn't want Sis overhearing you two, but I would find it strange if she was okay with sex under her roof in the beginning but later decided it was not acceptable. Yes, if she suffers from depression, this is more than likely a contributing factor to the dried-up intimacy. But it's a tall order when you've barely begun the relationship and already need to support her through these things.

 

So in a nutshell, I would not make the mistake of assuming you are the only one who made some missteps along the way, nor that you alone making changes will salvage this. It's pretty clear to me she has some inner work to do too, and as of now, she wants to do that alone. Now isn't the time to continue pushing for contact, to "remind" her of nice memories, to try to revive this - she has to want that too. Will she come back? It's hard to say, but I think now would be a good time for you to evaluate how well this was truly going, and whether or not she was actually ready for a serious relationship. I am sensing that she wanted to be ready, but for a number of reasons, she isn't.

Great advice.

I agree with you, Boltnrun. Doing certain things of that nature will make her run farther away, make me seem needy, and possessive. I definitely will not be doing that. I am taking her at her word that she needs space. I left the ball in her court and am hoping for the best.

Hollyj- Throughout the last month of our relationship she had been talking about possibly going on antidepressants, but didnt act on it. I do firmly believe she is going to get help though. As for her job, she stated that she was going to wait until the new year when things start becoming less stressful (because of the holidays).

From a girls perspective, do you see me having a decent chance at getting her back if I cut all communication until she is ready to talk? I know most guys on here say they arent going to break no contact, yet they do because of their weak emotions. I am not that guy. I had a severe moment of weakness for a few days, but then got to thinking about how I acted and now I understand and regret it. I wont be making that mistake again. I heard from a mutual friend that she had said that originally she was thinking about giving me another chance, but since I didnt give her the initial space she asked for she doesnt 'think' she can see it starting again. Hopefully the lack of contact will give her time to think things through and possibly reconsider.

I need to ask you a few questions:

1. Who brought up the topic of relationship after just one month of dating. Was it you or was it her?

2. Whenever you both met (after your birthday) - what were your dates like and how did you spend most of your time together?

3. What kind of relationship she has with her friends and family in general?

Hey NeedWisdom,

1. It was mutual. But I asked her to be exclusive.

2. When we went on dates we had a fantastic time. She is a hermit and likes staying home and relaxing. I am pretty much the same way, but like going out from time to time and she doesnt mind it at all. Nevertheless, we have a fantastic time when we do date night and always have big smiles on our face.

3. She has a very close relationship with her family and friends. I have never seen a family closer than they are.

Hollyj- Throughout the last month of our relationship she had been talking about possibly going on antidepressants, but didnt act on it. I do firmly believe she is going to get help though. As for her job, she stated that she was going to wait until the new year when things start becoming less stressful (because of the holidays).

 

 

From a girls perspective, do you see me having a decent chance at getting her back if I cut all communication until she is ready to talk? I know most guys on here say they arent going to break no contact, yet they do because of their weak emotions. I am not that guy. I had a severe moment of weakness for a few days, but then got to thinking about how I acted and now I understand and regret it. I wont be making that mistake again. I heard from a mutual friend that she had said that originally she was thinking about giving me another chance, but since I didnt give her the initial space she asked for she doesnt 'think' she can see it starting again. Hopefully the lack of contact will give her time to think things through and possibly reconsider.

None of this is going to work until this girl gets some help for her depression.

None of this is going to work until this girl gets some help for her depression.

Exactly.

You can't fix this by yourself, OP. Because the problems in the relationship were not caused entirely by you.

Hey NeedWisdom,

 

1. It was mutual. But I asked her to be exclusive.

 

2. When we went on dates we had a fantastic time. She is a hermit and likes staying home and relaxing. I am pretty much the same way, but like going out from time to time and she doesnt mind it at all. Nevertheless, we have a fantastic time when we do date night and always have big smiles on our face.

 

 

3. She has a very close relationship with her family and friends. I have never seen a family closer than they are.

I advice being patient with her and give her enough time and space to reach back to you. She seems to be acting this way due to her depression and also you acted a bit needy towards the end:

Two days go by and I realized I pushed her to hard. I sent her a text telling her

When she does contact you, make a real date.

NeedWisdom,

What if she messages me today or tomorrow? I'm not saying that is going to happen. I'm just wondering if it would be too soon to make a real date.

NeedWisdom,

 

 

What if she messages me today or tomorrow? I'm not saying that is going to happen. I'm just wondering if it would be too soon to make a real date.

Not making a date and communicating only via texting/calling would be unwise. Make a date as soon as she contacts you.