Undeniable attraction - Realistic compatibility and appropriateness

Hey forum,

I'm stuck in a bit of a predicament regarding attraction to a female colleague in the workplace. There is a 24 year old female colleague at work who is obsessed with the idea of going out with me. This concept is very alien to me because no other girl in the past has ever thrown themselves at me like this. Here are a few key points before I get into that...

About me

• I'm a 26 year old male and have hardly any experience with relationships.
  
• I developed major trust issues in the past and while I've mostly overcome them, the reverberations are evident in my lack of social activity with friends. I don't go out much, if it all, and my friends have come to accept that.
  
• To me, the goal of a relationship is to put in the effort to work toward marriage. I'm not interested in sex before marriage (I've told her this but I'm under the impression that she thinks I'm joking).
  

About us

• We're both university students.
  
• We work in the same retail workplace.
  
• We share the similar interest of video games.
  
• We both live at home with our respective parents.
  
• She comes from a rural or country background and I've while I've experienced the rural lifestyle for years now, I'd definitely be classified as urban in comparison.
  
• From what I've seen on her social media, she goes out quite a bit with groups of 5-6. That's cool and I admire that but the thought of having to do that absolutely terrifies me. She know's I live a reclusive life so taking the previous into account I don't understand why she'd be interested in myself and that lifestlye...
  

We work together once every fortnight and she has made mention of her desire to go out with me for months now. I keep kind of shrugging it off and mentioning how I'd be no good in a relationship but she's very persistent and it's now built up to the point where the whole workplace is chattering about how we'd make a cute couple and that we should just go out. She's a nice girl and has a fiery side which resonates with me to some degree but there's just something holding me back and don't know what it is. It's always held me back. Perhaps it's the result of growing up in a household which strictly banned the idea of boyfriend/girlfriend. It could be not wanting to disappoint her expectations as the result of my reclusive lifestyle. It could be me being afraid of opening up to someone and then having that used against me if something was to pull us apart. Perhaps it's me being a coward. I've always doubted my chances of finding the right person and my ability to ask them out, and now there's a girl almost literally throwing herself at me and I still can't manage to pull the trigger. It's frustrating for me and I bet it's more frustrating for her.

I don't know. This has always been so difficult for me. I don't even have specific questions for you all. I just want to know what you think about all this. I'd like to read your observations so I can structure my thoughts and make better sense of the situation. I appreciate your time

What country are we talking about and how old are you? Are you from different religions? Is there a prohibition against sex or being seen in public with a single woman?

Normally, I would say, why don't you go out with this girl. Make it clear you just want to go out with her, no groups. And you're making quite a leap into thinking she wants to have sex with you. Just go out on a couple of friendly dates. I met my wife that way. I thought I was going to be a recluse too, but I've not been alone in close to 30 years.

I would give this a chance. All your reasons not to are fear-based and that's not a good enough excuse to not live life. If you end up not being what she wants or expects, she can also make the choice to leave, so it's not like you're disappointing or trapping her. And I'm sure there are woman who will understand you're more of a recluse and uncomfortable in group situations. While it will be good to get out of your comfort zone, it's not like that will all happen right away anyway. Be open to what you might experience with her.

[*]To me, the goal of a relationship is to put in the effort to work toward marriage. I'm not interested in sex before marriage

The point of dating is to discover where you are compatible and incompatible. You don't have to have sex with her. You can simply get to know her while taking measures to avoid intimate situations.

[*]Perhaps it's the result of growing up in a household which strictly banned the idea of boyfriend/girlfriend.

Are these your values or your family's values?

It could be not wanting to disappoint her expectations as the result of my reclusive lifestyle. It could be me being afraid of opening up to someone and then having that used against me if something was to pull us apart. Perhaps it's me being a coward. I've always doubted my chances of finding the right person and my ability to ask them out, and now there's a girl almost literally throwing herself at me and I still can't manage to pull the trigger.

If it's just plain cowardice, you have to challenge it. Cowardice is a very dangerous thing.

The best thing to do is tell her you think of her as a friend and coworker and are not interested in dating coworkers. Be polite and diplomatic but straight up with her. Just because someone has a crush on you it doesn't mean you need to accommodate them. It's a bad idea to date people you have to work with anyway.

There is a 24 year old female colleague at work who is obsessed with the idea of going out with me.

To me, the goal of a relationship is to put in the effort to work toward marriage. I'm not interested in sex before marriage

We work together once every fortnight and she has made mention of her desire to go out with me for months now.

2 different thoughts here:

1. “dating” or getting romantically involved with a co-worker is usually not recommended - especially if it’s a career job or a job you can’t afford to lose. just imagine the stress and discomfort and job implications if you date and it goes BAD or you have a HUGE fight! you don’t want to deal with that normally. it’s not worth it.

2. dating shouldn’t be an all-or-nothing deal - especially at your young age. it shouldn’t be “marriage or nothing” or “looking to marry or nothing”. It is actually VERY HEALTHY and recommended in your early life and especially your early adult life (aka 20’s and while you’re a student and not in a career job or settled down in a career) to explore and try a lot of different things and experience a lot of different things - be it job, career, interests, or dating!!!

Why is this? Because to make the best choices and be the most successful at any one thing, you need EXPERIENCE! you need successes and failures that you can learn from so you know what’s what - what works, what doesn’t, what helps with success or what is a sign of impending doom.

Just as is true with figuring out your career, figuring this out for your PERSONAL life (and the person you pick as a life mate) is JUST as important. Why not also explore and gain experience in dating and love to be able to be ultimately successful in marriage?

So many people DO NOT see this or practice this (me included when i was in my 20s) that it causes for a lot of heartache and failures we could have avoided if only we explored and learned and learned from our experiences from a young age.

don’t underestimate the value of DATING just to date and enjoy new experiences, new personalities, and see what works and doesn’t work for you in the “love” area.