Ex got in touch

Hello.

I broke up with my ex 14 months ago, to start with I did everything you shouldn't do. Wrote letters sent flowers begged and pleaded and well did everything wrong! Last week out of the blue she text me, just to let me know someone she worked with knew me growing up?! Bizarre. We text for a couple of days, not much but held a conversation. Yesterday I just thought ring her so I did. She answered and we spoke on the phone for 4 hours. It was actually really nice, we laughed and joked and it felt good again. She stated she wants me to meet someone and be happy?! I'm taking that as she doesn't want me back at all. I now don't know how to play this?! Do i try to keep the contact going or just stop! Help please

Just know that she's friend-zoned you. She can deal with you as a friend, but not as a boyfriend. So she can talk with you, maybe she might meet up with you and hang out with you, but she's not going to be your girlfriend. She's moved on. You need to move on as well.

Errrrrr...... not sure on that one. We hadn't spoke for 6 months. I was doing ok. Still love her.

No contact. You haven't healed yet and have feelings for her and she sees you as a friend. If it'll hurt you when she funds someone and tells you, then it's better to keep distance. You're not ready to be friends and you're on on the same page as hers.

Sounds like she has got over the whole relationship aspect of you two.

If she wanted you back she would not say she wants you to be happy with someone else.

There is not many ways you can play this.

You can chose to be her friend and prevent yourself from healing. Or take a step back. Leave with dignity like you didn't the last time. Maybe you brushing her off may make her want you! We all want what we can't have...

That said you need to just move on.

14 months is a long time. For you to still be holding a flame for her.

Personally I would focus on you and getting out of this situation.

Agree with the above.

There is nothing to "play" here, and your use of that word is troubling. You're likely creating a game where there is none.

Ninety percent of the time when an ex tells you they hope you find happiness with someone else what they are saying is that they hope you are over them. It's a sideways means of saying: "We're cool now, right? Past is past." It's also, often, their way of feeling out if you're seeing someone because they are seeing someone.

The other ten percent? It's an ex looking for a little attention. Trying to trigger something like, "I don't know if I'll ever be as happy as I was with you." Because it feels very good to hear people say that, even if it's not what you want.

Because if it's what you want? No, you don't say these things.

The healthy response to this whole thing, from what you've written, is to accept that you're not over someone who is over you and keep on healing.

Just stop talking to her. It's not going to work out for you as you still have feelings.

Just picture this ..... You carry on in the hope she wants to be with you again and she carries on treating you like a friend . One day she will mention another man , maybe even pick your brain for advice ..because you're a friend ......Do you want that ?

Walk away mate .....if she wants to rekindle this she will soon let you know .

Edit to say .......there is a tiny tiny part of me that wonders why she bothered to get in touch just to say what she did ...please don't take that for more then it is , I am not encouraging you buddy or setting you up to be hurt ....but yeah , I do wonder .

Just picture this ..... You carry on in the hope she wants to be with you again and she carries on treating you like a friend . One day she will mention another man , maybe even pick your brain for advice ..because you're a friend ......Do you want that ?

 

Walk away mate .....if she wants to rekindle this she will soon let you know .

 

Edit to say .......there is a tiny tiny part of me that wonders why she bothered to get in touch just to say what she did ...please don't take that for more then it is , I am not encouraging you buddy or setting you up to be hurt ....but yeah , I do wonder .

She said that to make sure he didn't get his hopes up that she wanted HIM back just because they had a conversation. IMO

She said that to make sure he didn't get his hopes up that she wanted HIM back just because they had a conversation. IMO

I still wonder why she bothered to contact him ...regardless ...

I contacted exes when I was feeling lonely and wanted someone to pay attention to me. Once I stopped feeling lonely I ghosted.

Not proud of that behavior. I've stopped it.

But it never "meant" that I wanted them back or still loved them.

I contacted exes when I was feeling lonely and wanted someone to pay attention to me. Once I stopped feeling lonely I ghosted.

 

Not proud of that behavior. I've stopped it.

 

But it never "meant" that I wanted them back or still loved them.

yeah that's more along the lines of what I meant which why I followed my comment with a * don't let me raise your hopes * type of thing to him .... I think she was doing exactly something like that .

What was the reason for the breakup? How long were you dating? Sorry to hear this, since you still care. However unfortunately this remark "She stated she wants me to meet someone and be happy" indicates she's over it and sending friendzone breadcrumbs. Best thing to do is pull back and don't take it as more than the "you're a nice guy" type stuff.

I broke up with my ex 14 months ago. Last week out of the blue she text me, just to let me know someone she worked with knew me growing up?! Bizarre. ?!

She contacted you after a long time - definitely a good sign. Ask her for a date and pay attention to her answer to get a better understanding of her feelings.

Quick update..... she came and stayed the night and everything was like we was back together. Even the next day we laughed and joked, she asked if I was dating anyone and asked a lot of times!! She saidnshe was confused and she needed space i left her alone and a week later she got back in touch again. Now she's saying she doesn't think we can carry on talking. But then talks about all the good times we had together. I feel like I've split up again and starting to get a bit needy with messages etc. I do still love her.

I feel like I've split up again and starting to get a bit needy with messages etc. I do still love her.

Sorry this is happening....Reopening the wound....

Sounds like she has some sort of feelings for you but I think you should just carry on as you are....She's definitely confused and on the fence...Could go either way....

If you go back into any sort of trying to force anything she'll probably run off again....

Sometimes I think about what I would give for just one more night with my ex, but reading your thread reminds me of why it's best I don't....!

Again, sorry this is happening...

Carus*

Stop, just stop.. If you love her, then let her go. Let her live her life.

Quick update..... she came and stayed the night and everything was like we was back together. Even the next day we laughed and joked, she asked if I was dating anyone and asked a lot of times!! She saidnshe was confused and she needed space i left her alone and a week later she got back in touch again. Now she's saying she doesn't think we can carry on talking. But then talks about all the good times we had together. I feel like I've split up again and starting to get a bit needy with messages etc. I do still love her.

How long are you going to let her do this to you?

Can you live indefinitely with this back and forth, feeling on top of the world then like the ground fell out from under you? How does sending "needy" messages make you feel?

It does make me feel terrible yes. But I have clung onto hope for to long now.

Hi, I'm sorry but I need to put a stop to this. You know I still love you but I don't think you're going to wake up one day and suddenly be sure you want to be with me, and I can't keep having my hope built up and then crushed again. I was doing OK until you messaged me and now I'm back at square one. I wouldn't swap what happened between us at Hilton for anything, but it does me no good at all in the long run. I would give anything for you to suddenly believe that we can be together, but I don't think that is going to happen. So I have to delete your number and remove you from social media, and I need you not to get in touch unless it's to tell me you are sure you want to be with me. My life has been on hold for too long. I love you x

I've sent this and got it in my head to cut all contact with her totally. She replied to this simply saying

I understand all the best x

More shocked she replied but answers things about how much she cares.

More shocked she replied but answers things about how much she cares.

And it probably stings as well, but yes, it does show that you were right.....

You will probably grieve a bit again over the next few days or perhaps weeks, but now your true healing can begin....

....unless she starts 'testing' you to see if you mean it....

Be Cautious. Be Strong.

Carus*

You did the right thing and as people say you usually only have a successful reconciliation once you don't care if you get back together anymore so either way you win.

Quick update..... she came and stayed the night and everything was like we was back together. Even the next day we laughed and joked, she asked if I was dating anyone and asked a lot of times!! She saidnshe was confused and she needed space i left her alone and a week later she got back in touch again. Now she's saying she doesn't think we can carry on talking. But then talks about all the good times we had together. I feel like I've split up again and starting to get a bit needy with messages etc. I do still love her.

Sounds like she was having a dry spell and checked in for an affection fix, which you gave her. She knows she can have you, but doesn't want you, and now she's off again.

You need to take the power back, and there is only one way to do that.

As Carus says you have to be strong.

Stick to NC.

If she ever wants to come back, she'll come and find you.

I once met a guy who was a friend of my friend. He told me a really sad story that my friend later confirmed in more detail. He had been engaged to a woman who broke it off from him and went out with other guys but periodically she'd check in with him, they'd get together- presumably between her having boyfriends. They'd hook up a short time, he'd get his hopes up and then she'd dump him again. And again.. it was sad, it was pathetic, and he knew it but he felt powerless to do anything to stop it. Last I heard it was still going on and he never met another girl.

Don't be that guy.