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friendly or flirtatious?


Chloee1988

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Hey all,

 

 

I started working for a company in June of this year. I love what I do and I am very well paid. It has been a career I have tried to get into my while life (property management) and I feel blessed to have been given this amazing opportunity. My boss is extremely accommodating with my work schedule and works around my schedule (as I am a single mother of 2 children). Overall, I am extremely happy at this job.

 

Since the very fist day, my boss (who is married) has always been extremely nice and caring to me. He always compliments my work and has told me repeatedly that before hiring me he was in really bad shape with the company due to negligent and reckless behaviour of his previous manager, and that since meeting me, he has never seen his company do so well.

 

It is true as testified by other employees. Part of my expertise is PR and damage control, and I have dedicated myself to helping him get back on his feet and we have gotten very positive feedback from our tenants who have been very happy that I have replaced the old manager. In 6 months' time, I have helped the company improve significantly on a financial and legal scale.

 

We have an extremely close relationship since we work very closely together. I act as his personal assistant as well as the property manager for over 300 apartments so I have a fairly heavy workload that also requires me to be in constant communication with my boss (nearly every hour) in order for the business to run smoothly. By default, we have also grown quite close as friends and I will sometimes ask him for advice since I respect him tremendously.

 

We do have a great working relationship and we really accomplish so much together.

 

That being said, there are some indicators recently that have led me to think that my boss is somehow infatuated with me, extending beyond a professional employee/employer relationship.

 

Examples:

 

-When I was sick with the flu, he brought me groceries/tea and left it outside my door

-He buys me wine regularly (2X/month) since he knows I like wine

-He has bought me really expensive gifts in the short time we work together

-At least several times a week, he will tell me he feels extremely blessed to have me working for him

-The other day I accidentally wrote "think you" instead of "thank you", and he responded "I am thinking of you too"

-Has told me many times that I am the most important person in his life (didn't specify if he meant within the company)

-Has told me that he really likes me and admires me

-Has told me he has never liked working with someone as well as he does with me

-He will sometimes compliment my outfit

-Once we were in the car together and he was on the phone with one of the employees, and he tried to tell me something while he was on the phone but since he didn't want the person on the other line to hear (something about the electrician stalling on a job), he sort of suddenly leaned over to tell me something and my reflex was to jump back, and he then started laughing saying "relax I wasn't going to do anything, I just didn't want the electrician to hear that I am not happy with his work". But the fact that the thought was even on his mind was strange to me.

 

And basically the list goes on and on. But while all of this has occurred, he has never made any sexual remarks or any sexual references, nor has he been outright flirtatious. I am wondering if he is just a really nice and caring boss or if he perhaps likes me romantically?

 

Just as a side point, he has stated he is very overprotective of me since I am not very close to my own family and have very few people I am close to.

 

I am in no way interested in him, I really want him to stay professional. Just wondering how I should go about this.

 

He is 45. I am 28.

 

Your thoughts are welcome and appreciated.

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Marci, he is a married man...do you think you ought to be behaving this way or hoping he likes you?

 

Would you want some woman to be doing this with your husband should the day ever come that you get married?

 

Be a decent person, tell him to knock it off and that you want to keep things professional.

 

You are only asking for trouble and at the end of the day, it's his wife you will be dealing with if you keep allowing this to continue.

Besides the fact that hopefully you actually have a conscience and don't want to become a home wrecker.

 

If he is interested, stay away from each other until he properly divorces.

Or go on the dating sites and get your own man

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Then tell him you're not comfortable receiving gifts from him as it's not professional. Make sure he understands that there is never going to be anything between you two.

 

If he wants to act like a azz and do these things behind his wife's back, so be it, but don't encourage it and let him know it's not welcomed.

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Marci, he is a married man...do you think you ought to be behaving this way or hoping he likes you?

 

Would you want some woman to be doing this with your husband should the day ever come that you get married?

 

Be a decent person, tell him to knock it off and that you want to keep things professional.

 

You are only asking for trouble and at the end of the day, it's his wife you will be dealing with if you keep allowing this to continue.

Besides the fact that hopefully you actually have a conscience and don't want to become a home wrecker.

 

If he is interested, stay away from each other until he properly divorces.

Or go on the dating sites and get your own man

 

Then tell him you're not comfortable receiving gifts from him as it's not professional. Make sure he understands that there is never going to be anything between you two.

 

If he wants to act like a azz and do these things behind his wife's back, so be it, but don't encourage it and let him know it's not welcomed.

I second these posts in their entirety. You have to be firm and let him know in no uncertain circumstances that you are NOT comfortable with what he is doing and to please cut it out. The more you accept the more he takes this as encouragement. Put a stop to it and mean it. He's overstepping the line. You need to be professional.

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He is your boss so you need to be really careful and professional when rejecting his advances. it is best to get along.

 

1. Have you met his wife? Does he have a picture of her on his desk? I'd say something along those lines of: "Your wife is beautiful.", "Your wife has a nice smile." or some other compliment (works only if he has a picture of her on his desk), "You both look great in this picture.", "It was so lovely to meet your wife at the office Thanksgiving party." and "Have a nice weekend and my best regards to your wife." (the last two suggestions work only if you have met her).

He needs to understand that you see them as a unity, which married couples are. Keep it generic as you don't want him sharing personal stuff with you.

 

2. Respond to his excessive gift giving with care and in a professional manner as he is your boss and it's wisest to get along. In my book generic presents (e.g. biscuits, wine, tea or coffee) are not necessarily a big deal, but receiving very personal presents (e.g. perfume or jewellery) is a different kettle of fish.

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I guess my concern, as how greendots has outlined it, is how to maintain professional boundaries without offending him. He is after all my boss, and there is massive growth opportunity if I remain in the company. Further, I feel I would do my job even better without any distractions or concerns about his questionable behaviour.

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That's great, Marci1992! Another tip I can share is to signal through body language that you are not interested. E.g. When he is standing too close, smile politely but cross you arms.

 

Thanks a lot...I guess he will eventually internalize these cues and no actual discussion will be required.

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No, gifts from a boss is not appropriate at all.

 

It would be different if it was a cash bonus added to a regular paycheck in order to let the employee know they are appreciated and did a good job, but gifts are not okay.

 

The fact alone that is told her he thinking of her too, is enough to know that this man is NOT acting like a decent man.

 

Greendots, don't encourage her to continue to accept gifts!!

It should have never gone on in the first place.

 

You tell him you're not comfortable with the gifts. And be straightforward with how you want to remain professional.

 

If he get's offended then clearly he is feeling rejected and his actions had more behind them. If however he apologizes and backs off, then no harm meant and you can continue working together without any miscommunications.

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I think you've got it all wrong. He's treating you like a daughter. I take it that the boss owns the company? With a small company, one that the owner's life and livelihood depends on, he's trying to show you how appreciative he is of you. You are straightening out his business and, of course, you have a close relationship with him by necessity.

 

My wife runs her own company and she has been very generous with the people who have helped to make the company successful. She's given them time off, unexpected bonuses, gift baskets, taken them out to lunch, drinks, and so forth.

 

You have mentioned that he has been a perfect gentleman and has made absolutely no moves on you.

 

DO NOT RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! He is NOT HITTING ON YOU. He's being appreciative, and you may get to the point where he hands you the entire company to take over and run. Certainly my wife and I have discussed handing our company over to our manager when we retire.

 

Again, don't ruin what you have. If you bring anything up, his entire attitude towards you will change and you may find yourself iced out of a job in 6 months to a year. He won't think of you as warmly as he does now.

 

I am extremely sincere in my advice. You have saved his company and he's showing his appreciation. He knows you're married and has kids. I think he's treating you like the daughter he doesn't have. It's not a question about professionalism. Small companies are different and you can see the results when you do a good job. You're not dealing with an HR department or company policy handbooks. You have a boss who cares about you. I do think he may love you, but not in a sexual way. Not everything a guy does means he's hitting on you!

 

Really, don't ruin things.

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An easy way out no matter what his intentions are, is to casually mention you've met a great guy and have never felt happier.

 

Sure it's a little white lie, but it saves you looking like a fool if he's not interested, or risking backlash at work if he's interested and you confront him about it.

 

I've used this line several times so not to hurt people who are interested in me, when the feelings not mutual and I'm sure women have used it on me in the same situation.

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I think you've got it all wrong. He's treating you like a daughter. I take it that the boss owns the company? With a small company, one that the owner's life and livelihood depends on, he's trying to show you how appreciative he is of you. You are straightening out his business and, of course, you have a close relationship with him by necessity.

 

My wife runs her own company and she has been very generous with the people who have helped to make the company successful. She's given them time off, unexpected bonuses, gift baskets, taken them out to lunch, drinks, and so forth.

 

You have mentioned that he has been a perfect gentleman and has made absolutely no moves on you.

 

DO NOT RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! He is NOT HITTING ON YOU. He's being appreciative, and you may get to the point where he hands you the entire company to take over and run. Certainly my wife and I have discussed handing our company over to our manager when we retire.

 

Again, don't ruin what you have. If you bring anything up, his entire attitude towards you will change and you may find yourself iced out of a job in 6 months to a year. He won't think of you as warmly as he does now.

 

I am extremely sincere in my advice. You have saved his company and he's showing his appreciation. He knows you're married and has kids. I think he's treating you like the daughter he doesn't have. It's not a question about professionalism. Small companies are different and you can see the results when you do a good job. You're not dealing with an HR department or company policy handbooks. You have a boss who cares about you. I do think he may love you, but not in a sexual way. Not everything a guy does means he's hitting on you!

 

Really, don't ruin things.

 

Actually, the OP is not married, she said that she is a single Mum. My take on it is that if your boss does all these same things for other employees, then obviously he is just a nice and generous guy. But if he only does all this for OP and not anyone else, then it's pretty obvious that her boss is romantically interested in her. I think it's fairly clear that he's interested in her too because he says things like: "I'm thinking about you too", compliments her appearance, and brought her groceries TO HER HOUSE when she was sick. I think those things are quite inappropriate. A boss can't just come over to their employee's house uninvited outside of work! That's even a bit creepy! I think everything your boss is doing is very over the top, like giving a lot of gifts. A boss can give a Birthday or Christmas gift but that's it. I don't think he sees OP as a daughter because he's not even that much older than her. If he was like 60 and OP 20 years old then maybe he may see her as more of a daughter. But he's not very old and not even really old enough to be her father. The whole thing seems very dodgy to me. Also I think OP has in a sense been encouraging him because she's good friends with him and she accepts all this from him. I mean, it's nice to get along well with your boss, but you don't have to be actual friends. He's your BOSS, not just a plain colleague. I think OP's own behaviour is also inappropriate.

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I think you've got it all wrong. He's treating you like a daughter. I take it that the boss owns the company? With a small company, one that the owner's life and livelihood depends on, he's trying to show you how appreciative he is of you. You are straightening out his business and, of course, you have a close relationship with him by necessity.

 

My wife runs her own company and she has been very generous with the people who have helped to make the company successful. She's given them time off, unexpected bonuses, gift baskets, taken them out to lunch, drinks, and so forth.

 

You have mentioned that he has been a perfect gentleman and has made absolutely no moves on you.

 

DO NOT RUIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! He is NOT HITTING ON YOU. He's being appreciative, and you may get to the point where he hands you the entire company to take over and run. Certainly my wife and I have discussed handing our company over to our manager when we retire.

 

Again, don't ruin what you have. If you bring anything up, his entire attitude towards you will change and you may find yourself iced out of a job in 6 months to a year. He won't think of you as warmly as he does now.

 

I am extremely sincere in my advice. You have saved his company and he's showing his appreciation. He knows you're married and has kids. I think he's treating you like the daughter he doesn't have. It's not a question about professionalism. Small companies are different and you can see the results when you do a good job. You're not dealing with an HR department or company policy handbooks. You have a boss who cares about you. I do think he may love you, but not in a sexual way. Not everything a guy does means he's hitting on you!

 

Really, don't ruin things.

 

I am not married. He is. And the company net worth is about 50 million. We have over 30 properties.

 

And we have a staff of over 40 employees. Pretty big company.

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No, gifts from a boss is not appropriate at all.

 

It would be different if it was a cash bonus added to a regular paycheck in order to let the employee know they are appreciated and did a good job, but gifts are not okay.

 

The fact alone that is told her he thinking of her too, is enough to know that this man is NOT acting like a decent man.

 

Greendots, don't encourage her to continue to accept gifts!!

It should have never gone on in the first place.

 

You tell him you're not comfortable with the gifts. And be straightforward with how you want to remain professional.

 

If he get's offended then clearly he is feeling rejected and his actions had more behind them. If however he apologizes and backs off, then no harm meant and you can continue working together without any miscommunications.

 

I agree that this man is not being professional by stating that he is thinking of her and what not. Reality is he is her boss. Therefore, she needs to be really careful and professional on how to reject his advances (including gift giving). It is best to get along with your boss professionally. Obviously, if your boss is utter rubbish I'd leave the company and find a better environment to work in.

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Bottom line is though, why would you be actual friends with your boss? Especially a male boss, who is married on top of that? Even if he wasn't married and giving so many gifts and being inappropriate, it's unprofessional to actually be friends with your boss. You can be friendly and on good terms and maybe make chit chat in the office (not personal), but you would not be contacting them or seeing them outside of work, except if the interaction actually had to do with work. I think this applies even if your boss was single because by professional standards a manager and employee should not really be friends. I think it just really messes up the power dynamic and makes it unfair on other colleagues, it makes you a favourite.

 

I think you've behaved very wrongly to be so close and familiar with him and by accepting all this from him. I wonder if you secretly like his attention? There are much better ways to deal with what he's doing. E.g. with the "think you" wrong text you sent him. When he replied: "I'm thinking of you too", you could have said: "Oh sorry, that was just a typo, I only meant to say thank you". When he dropped off groceries to your house, you should have said something like: "Thank you, I appreciate but you really shouldn't have. I'm fine and don't need anything like that". And when he gives you gifts for no reason, just say: "Thank you but I can't accept, it's too generous. But we can give each other a Christmas gift and I will get one for your wife too." Your own behaviour is also quite inappropriate, I'm not sure how you haven't realised this. You are not just a passive victim here and can take control of the situation.

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Actually, the OP is not married, she said that she is a single Mum. My take on it is that if your boss does all these same things for other employees, then obviously he is just a nice and generous guy. But if he only does all this for OP and not anyone else, then it's pretty obvious that her boss is romantically interested in her. I think it's fairly clear that he's interested in her too because he says things like: "I'm thinking about you too", compliments her appearance, and brought her groceries TO HER HOUSE when she was sick. I think those things are quite inappropriate. A boss can't just come over to their employee's house uninvited outside of work! That's even a bit creepy! I think everything your boss is doing is very over the top, like giving a lot of gifts. A boss can give a Birthday or Christmas gift but that's it. I don't think he sees OP as a daughter because he's not even that much older than her. If he was like 60 and OP 20 years old then maybe he may see her as more of a daughter. But he's not very old and not even really old enough to be her father. The whole thing seems very dodgy to me. Also I think OP has in a sense been encouraging him because she's good friends with him and she accepts all this from him. I mean, it's nice to get along well with your boss, but you don't have to be actual friends. He's your BOSS, not just a plain colleague. I think OP's own behaviour is also inappropriate.

 

^^^^ This EXACTLY.

There are lines that are not meant to be crossed.

He does not need to be buying you presents. He can give you a bonus at the end of the year on your paycheck if he feels he needs to show his appreciation of your work.

He does not come to your house like that, it is creepy and he has no right.

 

And lastly, he is not your friend. You don't need to ask him for advice. Keep things professional.

There are boundaries not meant to cross and both of you have been crossing them which is why things are now weird.

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Bottom line is though, why would you be actual friends with your boss? Especially a male boss, who is married on top of that? Even if he wasn't married and giving so many gifts and being inappropriate, it's unprofessional to actually be friends with your boss. You can be friendly and on good terms and maybe make chit chat in the office (not personal), but you would not be contacting them or seeing them outside of work, except if the interaction actually had to do with work. I think this applies even if your boss was single because by professional standards a manager and employee should not really be friends. I think it just really messes up the power dynamic and makes it unfair on other colleagues, it makes you a favourite.

 

I think you've behaved very wrongly to be so close and familiar with him and by accepting all this from him. I wonder if you secretly like his attention? There are much better ways to deal with what he's doing. E.g. with the "think you" wrong text you sent him. When he replied: "I'm thinking of you too", you could have said: "Oh sorry, that was just a typo, I only meant to say thank you". When he dropped off groceries to your house, you should have said something like: "Thank you, I appreciate but you really shouldn't have. I'm fine and don't need anything like that". And when he gives you gifts for no reason, just say: "Thank you but I can't accept, it's too generous. But we can give each other a Christmas gift and I will get one for your wife too." Your own behaviour is also quite inappropriate, I'm not sure how you haven't realised this. You are not just a passive victim here and can take control of the situation.

I second this entire post. OP, you really need to enforce the boundaries here and the sooner the better. He clearly thinks you are encouraging his behaviour and in a way you are. You need to nip this in the bud and he needs to understand that he's crossing the line here.

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It seems you feel this is crossing the line beyond "taking a new employee under his wing", no? If that is the case, diplomatically and professionally create more boundaries and politely decline anything that is outside of work including communications of a personal nature or accepting gifts.

 

He should not be coming to your home no less bringing you groceries, alcohol, expensive gifts, etc. You should not be "in the car together". You need boundaries. Stop accepting gifts. "Thank you but I can't accept this" should be your response. If you feel sexual harassment is going on read up on it (making advances, buying gifts, showing up at your home, etc.) then file a case.

-When I was sick with the flu, he brought me groceries/tea and left it outside my door

-He buys me wine regularly (2X/month) since he knows I like wine

-He has bought me really expensive gifts in the short time we work together

-Once we were in the car together

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