6 months later, where I am....

I don’t know if I need some advice or just need to vent. I have not been on here in a while, mostly because I was trying to heal from my breakup. It has been a little over 6 months since we broke up and I haven’t spoken to him since then. I have absolutely no desire to. He was emotionally involved with another woman and left me for her. We were on and off for 5 years. I will spare you all the other details because at this point, I don’t think they are relevant.

I have been doing all the things everyone says to do after a break-up. I have spent lots of time and energy on my daughter, spent time with my mom, worked on somethings with my house that I wanted to do, got back into a couple hobbies I hadn’t done in a few years, gone to the gym, found a new book to read. I felt I was doing good. I had one date with a man but I realized I was not ready and there were a lot of red flags with him so I just stepped away from dating. I would like to meet someone but I am very picky and apparently don’t have the best track record with men. I was looking forward to the holidays even though what would have been our anniversary is coming up. He still pops in my mind frequently, way more than I like, but he was no longer preventing me from moving on. I made sure to remind myself of all the bad things he did to me every time I would start to miss him. I have never had a desire to contact him as he did a lot of damage to me with what he did and among other things.

But the past couple weeks I feel like the universe is conspiring against me. I had him blocked from all social media. Well, twice now, I had to see pictures pop up of him with his girlfriend from neutral parties (a sports team I like and a photographer I follow posted him). Seeing the comments, I see his profile and a comment. I did not look at it but it appears I had not blocked him like I thought and he unblocked me. My reaction was not what I expected. I was furious he unblocked me. My social media is completely private anyway but I am very angry he did it. I feel like he did it to be vengeful and to make sure I saw stuff his when he tags mutual friends. He is blocked now by me but I am still feeling angry. I had to unfollow the photographer because it made me so angry and hurt he took family photos with her and his family but he refused to do them with me.

I feel like I have just been set-back. I was doing so well, I was happy. Now I just feel angry. I don’t like the angry feeling I want to just feel nothing. I can’t seem to shake it. I am very much on edge and in an irritated mood all the time and I am afraid people will start to notice soon. I don't know how to let go of what I saw and get back to where I was.

I feel like I have just been set-back. I was doing so well, I was happy.....I don't know how to let go of what I saw and get back to where I was.

Well you are right. That's exactly what it is...a set-back...a bump in the road of healing. I wish it was linear, but it's not...

It's kinda good though because you will process this and move forward and be even more healed...if that makes sense.

When somebody says 'I was doing so well and then set me back' says to me that the wound had still not completely healed...and sorry to say, perhaps some wounds never fully heal.

But if you were doing well then just keep doing what you've been doing and this too shall pass*

Hope this helps

Carus*

Well you are right. That's exactly what it is...a set-back...a bump in the road of healing. I wish it was linear, but it's not...

 

It's kinda good though because you will process this and move forward and be even more healed...if that makes sense.

 

When somebody says 'I was doing so well and then set me back' says to me that the wound had still not completely healed...and sorry to say, perhaps some wounds never fully heal.

 

But if you were doing well then just keep doing what you've been doing and this too shall pass*

 

Hope this helps

 

Carus*

Yes this does help thank you. I guess I thought I would be more over it since I already knew he had a girlfriend, I knew that 5 months ago. I guess I just feel like why all of a sudden did stuff pop up for me to see? I am kind of mad at myself for letting it bother me. But like you said, it is not linear. I also feel like great here we go again, he's on my mind again. Even if its a negative reaction to him, I am still reacting. I think on some level I always knew I was a "placeholder" until something better came along to him but seeing it does a number on a persons self-esteem and maybe that is the source of why I am angry. I finally got confidence back and right down the tubes it went.

You can get your confidence back. It just takes time. Just keep busy. There's no magic potion you can take except time.

I empathise with you. It's been 6 month for me as well since the STBX said he wanted a divorce after 29 years of marriage. I was totally devastated at first but slowly began to accept the fact that the relationship was toxic. I knew it was toxic for many years but I suppose I was in denial. I always made excuses, to myself and to others, for his ill behaviour. I started feeling better as the months passed and going through the grieving process. I felt like I was fairly happy and making progress towards healing until I found out, inadvertently, some moronic things that he did on various occasions throughout the 6 months. I became angry, felt hurt, cried, etc and couldn't shake these negative feelings, just like you. I felt like all my efforts to heal disappeared and I was back on square one. But, I will admit that, with the passage of time, I care less and less about his antics. I accept the fact that I am human and therefore it's OK that I harbour these feeling, for now. Who wouldn't? I am giving myself the gift of time. That's what I'm doing and it seems to be working. The key to all this is time. Hang in there and your wounds will slowly heal. xx

I empathise with you. It's been 6 month for me as well since the STBX said he wanted a divorce after 29 years of marriage. I was totally devastated at first but slowly began to accept the fact that the relationship was toxic. I knew it was toxic for many years but I suppose I was in denial. I always made excuses, to myself and to others, for his ill behaviour. I started feeling better as the months passed and going through the grieving process. I felt like I was fairly happy and making progress towards healing until I found out, inadvertently, some moronic things that he did on various occasions throughout the 6 months. I became angry, felt hurt, cried, etc and couldn't shake these negative feelings, just like you. I felt like all my efforts to heal disappeared and I was back on square one. But, I will admit that, with the passage of time, I care less and less about his antics. I accept the fact that I am human and therefore it's OK that I harbour these feeling, for now. Who wouldn't? I am giving myself the gift of time. That's what I'm doing and it seems to be working. The key to all this is time. Hang in there and your wounds will slowly heal. xx

Thank you it is always nice to know I am not alone in my feelings. 29 years, wow! That is a long time I feel for you. While I still feel angry and a little annoyed, I am trying to distract myself. I feel like how dare you pop into my life after everything, you left so stay gone. That is where I am in my healing because I have had enough of his behavior. Distracting myself seems to be working at calming my anger. I am not the most patient person so I am always trying to hurry up and be over it. But I have to let it run it's course. As long as he is not popping up everywhere, I seem to be fine. But I guess I am still actually healing since it does affect me when he does pop up somewhere. I feel for everyone going thru the same thing, especially this time of year.