New here! Made a huge mistake and don't know what to do

Hi All,

I'll give you a bit of a background first. I met my girlfriend almost 4 years ago and she is the nicest and most genuine person I have ever known, she is the perfect partner and I can see a long life with her. Previous to meeting her I was single for a good 4 years. We both have young children from previous that get on amazing well. She moved her life to be nearer me and fully committed herself to our relationship. Rewind 3 years from now and I did the worst thinkable thing to our relationship, I was unfaithful twice within the first year of dating, owning up to kissing at the time but held back the full extent of what happened. I was very selfish to commit these acts being very drunk (I know this is no excuse) I would never go out to hurt her and hate myself for doing so. I went to a counselor straight after I messed up the second time and made changes to be a better person, in the last 3 years I genuinely feel a lot more mature and in control of myself, a little bit too late maybe. We were at the stage where we were discussing marriage and children so I couldn't keep this secret from her any longer, so I confessed recently and she had the obvious reaction like it happened last week.

I read so many places that the best option was to keep these secrets from her as it will only bring her pain, confessing the full details has likely ruined everything.

I hate myself for the pain I have caused her and for not giving her the full truth at the time 3 years ago. Within the last good 3 years we have been solid and bought a house, moved in together and have lived a really happy life with a bright future. I know I will never hurt her again and I am not the person I was back then, she will not trust me again and is likely to leave.

I deserve everything I get for my mistakes early on, is there anything I can do to save this relationship?

Unfortunately, I think you’ve already done all that you can do.

I do think it was unnecessary and hurtful to talk about your cheating that happened 3 years ago that she already kind of knew about. It served no purpose - especially 3 years later - other than to hurt her, really.

If you have proven yourself to be a good and faithful partner for the last 3 years, you have done all that you can do. Either she will recognize all of that in time and come to terms with what happened all that time ago - or she’ll decide it was a dealbreaker.

If you’ve already apologized and let her in on all the things you did to change... well... you’ve done what you can. Now she needs to decide.

Ooof.

Where do things stand now? Are you two together? Are you talking about this?

What happened happened—both the cheating, the lack of transparency at the time, and the curious decision to tell her now. But all that can't be undone. In ways, you handled it well: you sought professional help, and ostensibly have a three year track record of being a decent man to her. How she feels, whether she can forgive, whether your actions negate the past three years or not—that's out of your hands.

You can let her know that you want to be with her, that you understand trust is broken but would like to rebuild it. Couples counseling, and individual counseling, I'd say is a must. And, of course, it may just be too late. Damage is damage, and sometimes there's too much for people to get past.

Cheating was selfish, telling her now about it was also selfish. So fundamentally, nothing has really changed with you.

I guess now all you can do is sit and wait on her decision on what she will do about it. Maybe she'll be able to move past it or maybe not. At this moment, I doubt she herself even knows. She is on quite a roller coaster ride of emotions, pain, and realizing that her entire relationship with you has been built on lies and cheating. That's a lot to process. There is really not much you can do at this point but wait on her decision and perhaps continue to work on yourself.

Not sure where things stand now to be honest as it was only yesterday I confessed and we have hardly spoke.

I guess I have to wait and see and hope for the best.

Cheating was selfish, telling her now about it was also selfish. So fundamentally, nothing has really changed with you.

Telling her was mistake I feel now with all the upset its brought back from something so long ago. Over the years we have become extremely close and I didn't feel right continuing this secret and feel she needed to know before we took things to the next level of Marriage which is very unlikely now.

I am no longer that person and have control of my life, its just such a shame I had to drag her through that whilst I was being a selfish assh0le.

Telling her was mistake I feel now with all the upset its brought back from something so long ago. Over the years we have become extremely close and I didn't feel right continuing this secret and feel she needed to know before we took things to the next level of Marriage which is very unlikely now.

 

I am no longer that person and have control of my life, its just such a shame I had to drag her through that whilst I was being a selfish assh0le.

What you did is alleviate your personal guilt at her expense and I'm sorry but that's selfish. It's something you should have dealt with on your own and if it's truly behind you and not something you'll ever do again, then you should have left it in the past, forgiven yourself and moved forward a better person.

I have never been in your shoes , but I know I would have confessed as well ...it would eat me alive ...

Obviously that is just us unloading the guilt ...but also wiping the slate clean , so that if you start again , all is out in the open .

Problem is buddy , her world just came crashing down ....she will be going over every move you have made for the last 3 years , she will be imagining who it was , what it was like , where she was while you did the deed ..oh my it is endless what her mind will be going through .

If you do get through I would expect she will go through a period of having no trust , suspicious of every move .

All you can do is answer her questions when she gets to that stage , and keep letting her have the space to know if she wants to continue .

I agree! Selfish! You did not consider her feelings when you shared the info. You may want to readdress counseling.

If you were going to share, it should have been done three years ago.

I am no longer that person and have control of my life, its just such a shame I had to drag her through that whilst I was being a selfish assh0le.

See, that's the problem. A lot of people believe once a cheater, always a cheater. You have totally blasted away her sense of trust in you. You've destroyed her piece of mind. You should have thought abut the consequences. Did you think she was going to forgive you? This is like the worst thing you could have confessed.

You can try sending her lots of flowers and chocolates and cards and begging her forgiveness and telling her it will never happen again. It's the only thing you can do. But people who have forgiven a Significant Other have said the knowledge of cheating changes the relationship and it's never the same again.

Unfortunately, you have completely shattered her trust in you with this confession. Your relationship will never be the same after this, and most definitely never go back to what it was. Not only that but your confession has now impacted how she might view relationships in the future should she decide she doesn't want to be with you anymore.

Do you really want to get married? Does she? All you can do is suggest premarital counselling if you want to go forward.

We were at the stage where we were discussing marriage and children so I couldn't keep this secret from her any longer

I'll be the odd one out, and say you did the right thing by telling her. It wouldn't be fair to deny her the chance to make an informed decision, especially when marriage is in the cards. I can only speak for myself, but it would be much more devastating to become aware of this 5-10 yrs into the marriage.

In short, rather than viewing this as a selfish move, I feel that bringing this to light is quite the opposite.

JMO...

Why did you really tell her?

Was it to relieve your guilt? or was it to make sure your relationship (marriage) started with all the cards on the table?

PS Give her space, don't ask her how she is feeling, make sure you don't do any cheesy things like bring her flowers or cards. She may want all the gory details as she may feel it will help, it won't but if she asks be as kind as possible to her as you answer.

She is in shock right now that will turn to anger soon enough, take it all like a man as you earned it.

I agree you need to make an appointment with your therapist again. The biggest question for you is WHY? Why did you think so little of her that you thought it okay to betray her?

Trust is so easily ruined and it is so hard to rebuild but it can be done.

Lost

Why did you really tell her?

To start a clean sheet and move forward without the grey cloud hanging over the relationship.

Thank you Lost you've given some very good points and advice

You did the right thing, but need to be prepared that she might walk away.

If she decides to stay it will never be the same in her mind. As a victim of infidelity myself, it doesn't matter if it's a kiss, emotional affair or sex, it all hurts the same.

She will never be the same person she was before and will have triggers for the remainder of your relationship, even 20 years down the road. You might not see, but it's always there in the back of your mind, eating away at your happiness.

My wife of 25 years had an affair with a married man over 3 years ago. After many years of living with a serial cheater, I decided to leave and she is now married to the man. I became good friends with his now ex wife and have watched her road to recovery.

One of the boy friends she had after her divorce was physically abusive and she left him after a horrific incident where he king hit her in the face. It was extremely traumatic, but she has made the point many times that it is nothing compared with the pain and trauma that she felt when she discovered her ex cheating.

This should put into perspective how damaging cheating is to someone who loves you.

Well?

Are you still talking?

Lost

Well?

 

Are you still talking?

 

Lost

Hi Lost,

We are still talking and taking things one step at a time and have arranged to meet a counselor together.

I am very lucky to have such an amazing person in my life, everyday I feel the guilt and upset I have caused. I will continue to soul search for the answers as to why I was so selfish early on and keep working on becoming a better person and partner.

Good for you.

Let her discover this better person you are striving towards. If you start telling her all about how much you have changed it will not be real to her, show her ONLY by living the life you should have been living. That means in all aspects like work, family, friends and total strangers.

In therapy do not hold anything back, be brutally honest but kind. No excuses either, just take what you earned and learn from it.

Lost

Everyone saying this is selfish, I disagree. I think you telling her was done with the right intentions... Should you have told her sooner yeah. But in not doing so you were kind of keeping that lie going forever. You made the worst and best of a bad situation... You certainly didn't do it for your benefit as you knew this was likely to come crashing down around you.