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Thread: How to stop idolizing your ex-partner?

  1. #1
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    How to stop idolizing your ex-partner?

    Hi everyone,


    Me (26) and my gf (23) broke up 3 months ago. She ended it after a relationship of 3 years because she wanted to be alone at this stage in her life. I immediately went NC after the breakup and haven't heard a word from her since then.
    We had a really good relationship for 2 years, but the last year she started to act real immature and selfish. I was hurt a lot in this period, but I can't get her of this pedestal I put her on. I keep believing that she is the best girl I could ever get and that there is no one out there that could be even good or better than her.

    In fact she ended things twice with me now and I still keep hoping that she'll come back.. I try to focus on the negatives in the relationship, but in fact we were a good match. The only (big) problem is that she is too immature.
    Her priorities in life are going out and partying all the time (she is still a student), while I want to settle and buy a house/apartment (i'm working for 4 years). Deep down I know that she also knows this, but right now she has a clear "Grass is Greener-Syndrome".

    Whenever I see another girl, I immediately start comparing her to my ex and it's really difficult to move on by keeping on doing this..

    Any advice would be welcome,

    thanks in advance.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Well, what you're feeling is pretty normal for being only 3 months out of a 3 year relationship. It sucks, and I'm sorry for that. Wavering between putting her on a pedestal and fixating on the negatives—both of those are really the same thing, an attempt to ease the pain, to expedite healing, to control these waves of feelings that, sadly, can't be controlled. They just have to be felt, and in surviving them they lose their power.

    So, hang in there. Choppy currents right now, clear waters ahead.

    That said, to an outside eye what you just described is two people who are not at all a good match. She's 23, drawn to the things that 23-year-olds have been drawn to for millennia. You've entered a different stage in life, one she's not ready for. That is not a hairline fracture separating you two, but a canyon. Whether you're right or wrong about what's going on inside of her "deep down," it doesn't shrink a canyon, you know?

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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Well, what you're feeling is pretty normal for being only 3 months out of a 3 year relationship. It sucks, and I'm sorry for that. Wavering between putting her on a pedestal and fixating on the negatives—both of those are really the same thing, an attempt to ease the pain, to expedite healing, to control these waves of feelings that, sadly, can't be controlled. They just have to be felt, and in surviving them they lose their power.

    So, hang in there. Choppy currents right now, clear waters ahead.

    That said, to an outside eye what you just described is two people who are not at all a good match. She's 23, drawn to the things that 23-year-olds have been drawn to for millennia. You've entered a different stage in life, one she's not ready for. That is not a hairline fracture separating you two, but a canyon. Whether you're right or wrong about what's going on inside of her "deep down," it doesn't shrink a canyon, you know?
    She just started an internship and would start working next year, so the canyon between us would definitely be shrinking. But I understand what you are saying. If she doesn't mature, then most likely a reconciliation would fail again..
    It's just hard to let things go, we had an amazing band with both our families and friends. It's just hard to believe that that will be possible with someone else..

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I'm sorry OP but you are quite off on calling her immature. When you first started dating and she was barely 20, she was young and immature. Three years later, OP, she is very much maturing in the sense that she now knows what she does and doesn't want and has the guts to stand up for what she wants and get rid of what she doesn't. Sorry if this is harsh, but you have to drop this idea you keep feeding yourself about being so compatible. From your perspective, sure, things were working for you. Unfortunately things weren't working for her, especially that last year and she made a thought out decision to move on. Her life and plans do not include you and the life that you want and the sooner you face that, the better you'll be off and the faster you'll heal.

    As for never having what you had with her, of course you won't. Each relationship is unique in its own ways so you shouldn't ever look for what you had. What you'll have with someone else will be better, different, unique, special in its own way. Meanwhile, you are pretty far from healed and still feeling the raw shock of loss, so give yourself some time to recover. So fresh out of a break up, comparing others to your ex and pining is normal. Give it time, focus on other aspects of your life like friends and hobbies. After awhile you'll find that you aren't feeling so horrible and you no longer think of your ex all the time or compare others to her. When you start seeing new women in their own right, then you'll know you are ready to date again.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you are completely incompatible on almost every level from temperaments to maturity to life stage to goals. Then there is the issue of frequent breakups and inability to simply get along. There is nothing wrong with either of your priorities given your ages and life stages.
    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    Me (26) and my gf (23) broke up 3 months ago. she started to act real immature and selfish. In fact she ended things twice with me now.

    Her priorities in life are going out and partying all the time (she is still a student), while I want to settle and buy a house/apartment. i'm working for 4 years

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Was just about to say what DancingFool said.

    This is her maturing, and I'd challenge yourself to respect that, hard as it is under the circumstances. Because the more you put her in a box of being too immature for you—well, there's a condescending edge to that. You guys are just in different places—try to accept that, rather than look to future internships as some sign of when you'll be on the same page again.

    I know it hurts, I know it's hard. Been there. But the only way forward is to feel these feelings and let go.

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    Maybe i'm just expecting too much, too fast. I'll just have to let time run its course and heal :-)

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    Holy .

    Did I write this as a man?

    I'm going through the same exact thing. Even the ages match


    Listen, it's not about her age or stage in life. She just doesnt want you. If shes unwilling to comprise on something and would prefer you out of her life then it just means she didnt think you were worth it.

    Tons of people get together young and it works out great as long as the other person is willing

    Cant offer more advice on that as I literally feel the same way you do ...

    Goodluck

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    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    Maybe i'm just expecting too much, too fast. I'll just have to let time run its course and heal :-)
    'Time running its course' is a big component for sure but time alone will not heal you.

    It's also what you do in that time.

    Be Strong. Be Patient. You will be ok.

    Carus*

  11. #10
    Silver Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    you just decide one day that you’ll stop doing that and do it. it’s part of one of the greatest lessons we can ever learn in life... learning to let it go or learning to let go.

    you need to do this and fast.

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