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Thread: How to stop idolizing your ex-partner?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    I keep believing that she is the best girl I could ever get and that there is no one out there that could be even good or better than her. [...]

    Whenever I see another girl, I immediately start comparing her to my ex and it's really difficult to move on by keeping on doing this.
    This is pretty natural for only 3 months after a LTR breakup. I've never found the 'squelch all hope' method of recovery to be useful. I'd rather honor my grief while moving forward with a far gentler approach. Instead of beating myself to cut emotional cords, I'd trust that if ex and I were ever a meant-to-be deal, we'll both meet on higher ground someday, but we'll both need to reach that place on our own.

    This inspires me to focus on reaching higher ground rather than sinking myself into a deeper hole to climb out of. I make a private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous future for myself. This doesn't mean I can't grieve, it just supplies me with a shiny object to pull me away from my boo-hoos and into the commitments I've made.

    Over time the ex becomes less and less relevant as I become more and more important. This is my percentage play, because if ex ever wants to reconcile, I've grown into someone who can best handle that, and if ex does not, then I've built my ability to keep moving forward.

    I'd skip trying to date other people for now. Your perceptions will change as you grow and change.

  2. #12
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    One thing that helps me is fully owning what it is that you donít want. You donít want a girl that likes to party all the time. Even if you guys get back together, you will be with a girl that likes to party all the time which you donít like. Itís a simple statement but I think thatís what makes it powerful.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by giraffeprint
    One thing that helps me is fully owning what it is that you donít want. You donít want a girl that likes to party all the time. Even if you guys get back together, you will be with a girl that likes to party all the time which you donít like. Itís a simple statement but I think thatís what makes it powerful.
    True. She's not even the relationship material you want at this time. Attempting to reconcile before she grows out of her party girl ways doesn't make much sense. Trust the far future to teach you whether your paths will cross at a better stage in your lives.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Seymore's Avatar
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    My therapist once told me that the person I was describing (ex) didn't exist. I was going over the good times more than the bad and making excuses for the bad, and I needed to look at the whole picture and see the whole person.

    Make a list of the good and bad and be honest. You'll begin to see the person as a whole. Not only that but you'll see their future based on the way they acted (because people can change, but not by much).

    Then insert yourself into that future in your mind. Is it worth your time?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    I agree with the other posters, what youíre experiencing is completely normal. Just try not to stay in this mindset allow yourself to work through it naturally, itís all part of the healing process. I wouldnít suggest Ďfixing ití by focusing on the bad. Like another poster said theyíre two sides of the same coin idolization and villainization.

    If you find solace in their failures, youíll find pain in their triumphs, itís just a bad concept to hitch your wagon to, the world doesnít work as our own personal karma collector, people who are good and bad expierience good and bad. Focus on you, become your biggest cheerleader. Focus on your physical and mental health and when those clouds finally do break youíll be ready.

    Youíre gonna be ok. One day at a time.

  7. #16
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    Broke no contact after +100 days at a party this weekend (she was there). She told me out of the blue that she had sex with "multiple persons" since the breakup.
    Also told me she is unhappy. I'm now no longer looking or hoping for reconciliation. She isn't the same person anymore and definitely not the one that I fell for 3 years ago.

    Although it hurt a lot to hear her saying she has been sleeping around, it give me some sort of closure.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Good you got closure. Why would she mention something like this "out of the blue"? Was she drunk?
    Originally Posted by Pikachu
    She told me out of the blue that she had sex with "multiple persons" since the breakup. Although it hurt a lot to hear her saying she has been sleeping around, it give me some sort of closure.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Good you got closure. Why would she mention something like this "out of the blue"? Was she drunk?
    We were talking/laughing and it was quite nostalgic. I think she felt some sort of guilt/shame and thought I needed to know that she had been sleeping around. In a way, she was honest. But ofcourse it hurt a lot.

    Strange how things can change over the course of a couple of months. Think iím not going to talk to her anymore,it would only hurt me. I actually met someone else recently and iím starting to like her.

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