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When does a relationship become "committed"?


Heather01

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I have been seeing my partner for 8 months (we are both over 40).

We see each other several times a week, spend most weekends together (often with his son), holiday together, have met each other's families, attend family functions together, talk about future travels, and are referred to as a couple by our friends.

However we have never formally stated that we are in a committed relationship.

I was devastated to learn that he recently kissed (tongues were involved) another woman at a party in front of mutual friends.

He says he has done nothing wrong because we are not committed to each other.

I am deeply hurt and confused.

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It seems that somewhere along the line, there was a miscommunication. That is the danger of assuming.

 

I'm not saying that I think he is right for doing what he did. I think it was a bit underhanded and I would be hurt, too.

 

But technically (if we like to litigate our relationships) he's not wrong.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'm not sure I'd want to continue with this man.

 

However, if you still want to stay, now is the time to have a conversation about commitment.

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Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are living two different realities. You assume "We see each other several times a week, spend most weekends together, holiday together, have met each other's families, attend family functions together, and are referred to as a couple by our friends" implies a certain relationship.

 

Unfortunately he seems to think it's dating and not exclusive dating. It may be time to step out of this unless you want an "open" relationship. His ambiguity works for him to simultaneously play the field and have a regular thing going. But it doesn't work for you.

I have been seeing my partner for 8 months (we are both over 40). I was devastated to learn that he recently kissed (tongues were involved) another woman at a party in front of mutual friends. He says he has done nothing wrong because we are not committed to each other.
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I agree with Jibralta: now is the time to have the commitment talk.

 

If, that is, you're still able to approach it from a place of warmth rather than hurt. That may not be possible, and that's understandable. Technically, he broke no rules, but what he did stung.

 

I'd let him know, clearly, that moving forward (if you truly can/want to move forward after this) you want to be monogamous; otherwise, grateful as you are for everything you've shared, it's clear that you want different things. No blame, no fury, just the truth.

 

His response will let you know everything you need. If he stutters and waffles—well, he's not ready to leave the gray zone. If he offers something more on your level, you let go of this chapter and move forward together toward the next.

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I have been seeing my partner for 8 months (we are both over 40).

We see each other several times a week, spend most weekends together (often with his son), holiday together, have met each other's families, attend family functions together, talk about future travels, and are referred to as a couple by our friends.

However we have never formally stated that we are in a committed relationship.

I was devastated to learn that he recently kissed (tongues were involved) another woman at a party in front of mutual friends.

He says he has done nothing wrong because we are not committed to each other.

I am deeply hurt and confused.

 

To me there does need to be a talk -others disagree. In all my serious relationships the guy brought up being exclusive within the first 6 weeks of dating with one exception. In my early 20s after a broken engagement I started dating a really hot guy who told me on the first date he definitely wasn't marrying until at least 30 and asked me to teach him how to date (he was 22 and didn't do formal dating in college although he had a girlfriend for awhile and hooked up with a few college gals). He didn't bring up being committed until we were dating 6 months. He was dating or at least hooking up with someone else and I basically knew about it. But my memory is a little foggy on that - all I know is I know we weren't committed and I didn't bring it up although he knew I was so over the moon about him. We were not yet having sex (I was a virgin, he was not, he was willing to wait). After 6 months I went to club med on my own. When I returned he realized how much he'd missed me and how much he wanted me to be only his . In fact he started talking about marriage soon after (and we waited another 6 months to have sex so it wasn't related to having sex).

 

That was the only exception. I have heard of healthy long term relationships where the woman brought up commitment first.

 

Your date is having a great time being a couple when it suits him. It's fun and easy. You're available and you haven't complained. He is right - no confusion - he never said he wouldn't keep his options open and he saw an attractive woman and kissed her. It's kind of jerky on his part because he was so in your face about it but he's just confirming that you two are not in a committed relationship even though you're the main person he dates right now. I started dating my husband when we were in our late 30s. We'd dated seriously in the past. We spoke of commitment the day we got back together because our mutual goal was marriage to each other -to see if that could happen - and we knew it made no sense to get back together unless we were committed. The first time around that we dated I believe he asked me to be his girlfriend or something like that within 4-6 weeks of dating. We waited 6 months to have sex back then.

 

I'm sharing my background (I am now in my early 50s) and probably too much of it because I know there are people who disagree -that you're entitled to rely on all this couple stuff and having sex as an assumption that there is commitment and exclusivity. I think that is more of an exception and given STDs and pregnancy I think it's foolish to rely on assumptions (or at least talk about being sexually monogamous)

 

I'm really sorry about what happened. It would make me nauseous, commitment or otherwise and here's what I'd take from his reaction -he is not that into you and doesn't see potential for the long term with you because if he did no way would he let you be out there as a free agent for this long.

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At whatever point you wanted to be in a committed relationship, you should've broached the subject. Because if what you want doesn't match his dating goals or a similar timeline of when you want particular things, you're not compatible. In your shoes, if a guy had spent a full 8 months with me, holding my hand, kissing me, having sex with me, and still could easily kiss another woman, that'd spell the end for me. When I like a guy enough to do all these things with, I have no desire to give myself in any of those ways with another man. I won't settle for a guy who isn't likeminded in that way.

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Agree with this sentiment. There was no misunderstanding, no miscommunication, he just let you believe you were "a couple" yet played the field. Why carry on with someone who uses these type of "technicalities" to string you along?

 

He's not who you thought he was. Having a warm and fuzzy talk will not change his nature or his attitude. It will only condone his behavior, thereby slapping yourself in the face indicating that he can use "technicalities" and semantics to play games. A player's and BSer's dream come true. Don't be a doormat.

if a guy had spent a full 8 months with me, holding my hand, kissing me, having sex with me, and still could easily kiss another woman, that'd spell the end for me.
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In my opinion, this guy is relying on a technicality.

 

While I agree that it’s true that you should never assume that you are in a relationship unless you’ve had “the talk” (and that’s probably where you went wrong in protecting yourself)... I also think it would be disingenuous if he were to try to claim that he had NO idea that you thought you were a couple with the meeting of family, future plans, etc. Like... I’m sure he knew you were under a false impression. Somewhere in there, if he’s a nice guy and cares about you, I would think it would be his duty to clarify things BEFORE he goes and makes out with some girl in front of your friends, yanno? He chose the most hurtful way possible to let you in on where he stands.

 

So - while technically he wasn’t wrong in making out with that girl - it certainly wasn’t friendly or compassionate towards you.

 

In my books, knowingly letting someone operate on false assumptions (about any subject - not just relationships) for your own gain is taking advantage of them.

 

To be honest, I wouldn’t even bother trying to have “the talk” now, personally. While he didn’t do anything “wrong” in a strict “cheating” sense... he has certainly shown that he is not caring and protective of your feelings. That was something that was within his power - even while maintaining non-exclusivity if that’s what he wanted.

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Is he technically within his rights? I'd say sure.

 

After something like this, would I be able to look at someone the same if I'd dated them 8 months and if they, albeit and IMO much too soon, were inviting me over for weekends while their kid is around? Personally, with respect to their being within their right and thus not raising a stink about it, probably not. I would consequently be wishing them the best. And, being quite honest, this is coming from someone who can compartmentalize things like this pretty well and who can actually somewhat appreciate wanting to kiss an attractive lady and falling back on not being committed in order to do so.

 

But really, the question in bold is the only one that I think matters at this point. Even suppose tomorrow he said, "Ur the only 1 4 me, bb," do you think you wouldn't go the next weeks or months with resentment snowballing inside? I mean fair enough if, assuming it's something he would want, commitment would flip that switch for you. My guess would be that the respect and trust are both too far gone at this point, though.

 

All that said, I am curious. Is there a particular reason you two aren't committed? Has there been hesitation on your part? It seems a bit backward that he's having you over with his son around only to be the one milking the lack of unofficial commitment.

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Sorry but in actions, you certainly were in a committed relationship. I wouldn't even call what he did as getting by on a technicality. He flat out and out brazenly cheated on you and is now gaslighting and making excuses on how you are the crazy one to think that you were in a relationship. I call bs on all of that. You've just seen the other side of him and it's not pretty to say the least. I wouldn't accept any excuses of "well we didn't spell it out and put it in a contract and had 10 lawyers witness it, so I'm free to eff around." That excuse might work if you had just started dating, but not 8 months and all the other things you do down the road.

 

In your shoes, I'd drop him cold. He showed you his true character, judge him accordingly and move on. There are plenty of better men out there who will never pull a stunt like that on you. Heck even being single is better than dealing with a loser like that.

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Heather, without a doubt, you are in a committed relationship- you’re not imagining things, you’ve done nothing wrong. This jerk (Sorry, but he is) cheated and is now trying to get out of it. Did he even say sorry or did he just brush it off when you mentioned it to him? Does he still assume you’ll go on in the same manner, hanging out with his family at the holidays and he’ll be in the corner kissing some random woman? And he thinks this is ok?

 

I feel so bad for you, you don’t deserve this!

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Agree. Personally I don't associate with people who play Simon says games. Simon says have sex, Simon says meet families, Simon says spend weekends together..oops, Simon didn't say we're exclusive. WTH?.

I wouldn't accept any excuses of "well we didn't spell it out and put it in a contract and had 10 lawyers witness it, so I'm free to eff around." That excuse might work if you had just started dating, but not 8 months and all the other things you do down the road.

 

In your shoes, I'd drop him cold. He showed you his true character, judge him accordingly and move on. There are plenty of better men out there who will never pull a stunt like that on you. Heck even being single is better than dealing with a loser like that.

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Agree. Personally I don't associate with people who play Simon says games. Simon says have sex, Simon says meet families, Simon says spend weekends together..oops, Simon didn't say we're exclusive. WTH?.

 

I don't think it's a game at all. Until you talk about it you assume that you're both allowed to keep your options open even if you're only mainly dating each other. Especially if sex is involved because then there's the risk of STDs (especially if you're not monogamous) and there's been no talk about what would happen in case of an accidental pregnancy. I never assumed I was exclusive with someone no matter how he wanted to act like a couple, meet his friends/family, etc. I introduced guys to my family before we were exclusive and friends too. And vice versa.

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I agree with this so much!!

 

OP

It seems he has his cake and ate it too. He had the luxury of having sex and companionship without having to commit. Problem was you didn’t know about it so he feels now he cheated he can play the “Non’ exclusive card in his favor.

 

Sounds like a fwb situation.

 

Unfortunately he just happened to leave out the fact of his intentions.

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He did everything in action implying commitment. I think he’s getting off on a technicality.

 

Meeting kids and family? In any kind of romantic sense, that implies commitment.

 

Other posters will say you can’t assume, and you can’t I guess, but I’d be done with him.

 

I'd be done too because of his reaction but I think it's on her to communicate directly what she wants and expects. However, even if just dating regularly it's rude of him to make out with someone in front of her friends too. I've been in a similar situation where someone told me about someone I was dating (but we were not committed yet and I knew he was seeing someone else as well) - so it wasn't at all cheating and it still was uncomfortable - and if he'd known that my mutual friend would report he wouldn't have done it and he felt awful- he hadn't made the connection. This guy isn't cheating but he acted like a jerk.

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Just in my opinion, I think you should just end it with him. The reason why I say this is that if after eight months and seeing each other all the time and going to functions together etc., if this guy doesn't want to commit to you, he probably never will. Eight months is a long time and he should definitely know by now if he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you. He knows and he doesn't. I think that when you're really into someone and see a future with them, you would not pursue someone else and then just brush it off and say: "Oh, but we we aren't officially together". I know you probably don't want to hear this, but "he's just not that into you", as the book/movie says lol If someone truly likes you, they will commit.

 

The only time when someone may want to see other people is if they're polyamorous, in which case they would have to be upfront about that straight away and set some ground rules for the relationship. I have some polyamorous friends and they are very open and honest with all the people they're seeing. It's actually called "ethical non-monogamy". The way this guy behaved is not ethical at all by any standards! Because if he wanted to be seeing other people too, he should have told you that by now.

 

I think don't waste your time with him anymore, he doesn't deserve you.

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I kept my options open until we were exclusive but in any serious relationship I had other than one when I was in my early 20s that transition happened within the first 6 weeks of dating. I did casually date certain people for longer but we were not having sex and we were not polyamorous. We simply were dating each other without being exclusive.

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I agree with all those who say this:

 

His actions implied commitment. Meeting families, spending holidays, etc.

 

He's using word salad technicalities to brush off his French-kissing/intimate embrace situation. Call it whatever you want (just a pleasant kiss between colleagues, my eye), it was a full-on makeout session.

 

I'd say Buh Bye to this creep.

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I agree with all those who say this:

 

His actions implied commitment. Meeting families, spending holidays, etc.

 

He's using word salad technicalities to brush off his French-kissing/intimate embrace situation. Call it whatever you want (just a pleasant kiss between colleagues, my eye), it was a full-on makeout session.

 

I'd say Buh Bye to this creep.

 

I think it's a mistake to go with implications especially considering the STD risks if sex is involved. I agree that the way he went about this was creepy. When I dated other people pre-exclusivity I never had it in the person's face in any way -that's just rude whether or not it's cheating. I had several situations where we met each other's friends and even family before being exclusive. One guy took me to meet his parents on the second date -and they ran a bridal business -he took me to the bridal store and made all sorts of marriage related comments! I never assumed we were exclusive (well probably also because I didn't want to be).

 

I think it's fine to act like a couple before being "official" and for some reason the OP decided not to talk to him about his future intentions which is very telling. I think she sensed all along that he didn't see future potential and also enjoyed the benefits at doing all the couply things.

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I think it's a mistake to go with implications especially considering the STD risks if sex is involved. I agree that the way he went about this was creepy. When I dated other people pre-exclusivity I never had it in the person's face in any way -that's just rude whether or not it's cheating. I had several situations where we met each other's friends and even family before being exclusive. One guy took me to meet his parents on the second date -and they ran a bridal business -he took me to the bridal store and made all sorts of marriage related comments! I never assumed we were exclusive (well probably also because I didn't want to be).

 

I think it's fine to act like a couple before being "official" and for some reason the OP decided not to talk to him about his future intentions which is very telling. I think she sensed all along that he didn't see future potential and also enjoyed the benefits at doing all the couply things.

 

This is hardly the same situation. In your story, this was a creepy loser on a second date trying to tie you down within 48 hours of meeting.

And your guy wasn't making out with someone else. Completely different story.

 

In the OP's story, which is what I'll stick to, it's 8 months of families, holidays, weekends.....a relationship.

 

OP, this is him trying to get off on a loophole. A "legal technicality".

 

Be done with him.

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This is hardly the same situation. In your story, this was a creepy loser on a second date trying to tie you down within 48 hours of meeting.

And your guy wasn't making out with someone else. Completely different story.

 

In the OP's story, which is what I'll stick to, it's 8 months of families, holidays, weekends.....a relationship.

 

OP, this is him trying to get off on a loophole. A "legal technicality".

 

Be done with him.

 

I've been in the same situation as the OP and we weren't having sex so no concerns about STDs and it wasn't a technicality at all - we saw each other regularly, met each other's friends, he met members of my family and we were not in a committed relationship. I dated other men and looked to date other men when I felt like it. I assumed he could too. We dated for 6 months.

 

I didn't have sex outside of a commitment so we certainly would have had to talk about it before that at minimum -especially since there are STD risks and then you can discuss how you would handle an accidental pregnancy which is less likely to be a topic in a casual arrangement. Without the talk assume the person can keep his or her options open is my opinion no matter the implications or signals.I don't think it's a technicality in the least. I still think what he did was rude and inappropriate but not because it's cheating -he's absolutely right about that and IMO he's a coward -he wanted her to find out so he could end things or have her end things because it's disrespectful - just like if a friend deliberately embarrasses you in front of other friends even if she's allowed to hang out with the people involved. It's an ethical thing and a simple matter of common sense and basic manners/compassion.

 

Certainly I can see where she thought he wasn't seeing anyone else but apparently his friends even knew he was since he was comfortable making out with another woman in front of them. I think if you're dating someone regularly whether or not there is a commitment you don't hook up with others in front of them or where it's obvious the other person would find out.

 

I have heard in the UK that exclusivity is implied from the first date - that you don't multidate and the assumption is that you're just seeing each other from that point on.

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I'd view his behavior in front of mutual friends as a hostile nose rub, and his defense about it only amplifies the disrespect. I'd laugh, tell him he can keep that, and I'd wish him the best. I'd be civil if our paths cross in public, but beyond that, I'd view him as a manipulator and no match for me.

 

I'd use this experience to gain clarity about What I Want. If that's a committed relationship, I'd make sure to put that on the table, up front, as a screening device before I'd even start dating someone.

 

This doesn't mean some demand for a commitment to me before dating, but rather, I'd use the getting-to-know-you conversation to raise that I consider myself long term relationship material, and I'd ask whether he views himself the same way. If so, then it's a go. If not, or "he doesn't know," then I'd thank him for his honesty, but I'm only interested in dating men who feel the same as me about learning whether we're a long term match. If he ever changes his mind and would like to try dating for that purpose, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up.

 

It makes no sense to position myself for an investment in someone who's not commitment minded. Period. He may be fabulous, and I may be ultra-attracted, but there's no way that I'd pretzel myself 'around' someone in the hope of manipulating What I Want from him. That's for kids.

 

Head high, and I hope you'll come out of this feeling comfortable and confident in holding out for What You Want. There's no shame in that, and there's no point in settling for anything less.

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