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Thread: When does a relationship become "committed"?

  1. #21
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    I agree with all those who say this:

    His actions implied commitment. Meeting families, spending holidays, etc.

    He's using word salad technicalities to brush off his French-kissing/intimate embrace situation. Call it whatever you want (just a pleasant kiss between colleagues, my eye), it was a full-on makeout session.

    I'd say Buh Bye to this creep.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    I agree with all those who say this:

    His actions implied commitment. Meeting families, spending holidays, etc.

    He's using word salad technicalities to brush off his French-kissing/intimate embrace situation. Call it whatever you want (just a pleasant kiss between colleagues, my eye), it was a full-on makeout session.

    I'd say Buh Bye to this creep.
    I think it's a mistake to go with implications especially considering the STD risks if sex is involved. I agree that the way he went about this was creepy. When I dated other people pre-exclusivity I never had it in the person's face in any way -that's just rude whether or not it's cheating. I had several situations where we met each other's friends and even family before being exclusive. One guy took me to meet his parents on the second date -and they ran a bridal business -he took me to the bridal store and made all sorts of marriage related comments! I never assumed we were exclusive (well probably also because I didn't want to be).

    I think it's fine to act like a couple before being "official" and for some reason the OP decided not to talk to him about his future intentions which is very telling. I think she sensed all along that he didn't see future potential and also enjoyed the benefits at doing all the couply things.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I think it's a mistake to go with implications especially considering the STD risks if sex is involved. I agree that the way he went about this was creepy. When I dated other people pre-exclusivity I never had it in the person's face in any way -that's just rude whether or not it's cheating. I had several situations where we met each other's friends and even family before being exclusive. One guy took me to meet his parents on the second date -and they ran a bridal business -he took me to the bridal store and made all sorts of marriage related comments! I never assumed we were exclusive (well probably also because I didn't want to be).

    I think it's fine to act like a couple before being "official" and for some reason the OP decided not to talk to him about his future intentions which is very telling. I think she sensed all along that he didn't see future potential and also enjoyed the benefits at doing all the couply things.
    This is hardly the same situation. In your story, this was a creepy loser on a second date trying to tie you down within 48 hours of meeting.
    And your guy wasn't making out with someone else. Completely different story.

    In the OP's story, which is what I'll stick to, it's 8 months of families, holidays, weekends.....a relationship.

    OP, this is him trying to get off on a loophole. A "legal technicality".

    Be done with him.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by LHGirl
    This is hardly the same situation. In your story, this was a creepy loser on a second date trying to tie you down within 48 hours of meeting.
    And your guy wasn't making out with someone else. Completely different story.

    In the OP's story, which is what I'll stick to, it's 8 months of families, holidays, weekends.....a relationship.

    OP, this is him trying to get off on a loophole. A "legal technicality".

    Be done with him.
    I've been in the same situation as the OP and we weren't having sex so no concerns about STDs and it wasn't a technicality at all - we saw each other regularly, met each other's friends, he met members of my family and we were not in a committed relationship. I dated other men and looked to date other men when I felt like it. I assumed he could too. We dated for 6 months.

    I didn't have sex outside of a commitment so we certainly would have had to talk about it before that at minimum -especially since there are STD risks and then you can discuss how you would handle an accidental pregnancy which is less likely to be a topic in a casual arrangement. Without the talk assume the person can keep his or her options open is my opinion no matter the implications or signals.I don't think it's a technicality in the least. I still think what he did was rude and inappropriate but not because it's cheating -he's absolutely right about that and IMO he's a coward -he wanted her to find out so he could end things or have her end things because it's disrespectful - just like if a friend deliberately embarrasses you in front of other friends even if she's allowed to hang out with the people involved. It's an ethical thing and a simple matter of common sense and basic manners/compassion.

    Certainly I can see where she thought he wasn't seeing anyone else but apparently his friends even knew he was since he was comfortable making out with another woman in front of them. I think if you're dating someone regularly whether or not there is a commitment you don't hook up with others in front of them or where it's obvious the other person would find out.

    I have heard in the UK that exclusivity is implied from the first date - that you don't multidate and the assumption is that you're just seeing each other from that point on.

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  6. #25
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    I'd view his behavior in front of mutual friends as a hostile nose rub, and his defense about it only amplifies the disrespect. I'd laugh, tell him he can keep that, and I'd wish him the best. I'd be civil if our paths cross in public, but beyond that, I'd view him as a manipulator and no match for me.

    I'd use this experience to gain clarity about What I Want. If that's a committed relationship, I'd make sure to put that on the table, up front, as a screening device before I'd even start dating someone.

    This doesn't mean some demand for a commitment to me before dating, but rather, I'd use the getting-to-know-you conversation to raise that I consider myself long term relationship material, and I'd ask whether he views himself the same way. If so, then it's a go. If not, or "he doesn't know," then I'd thank him for his honesty, but I'm only interested in dating men who feel the same as me about learning whether we're a long term match. If he ever changes his mind and would like to try dating for that purpose, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up.

    It makes no sense to position myself for an investment in someone who's not commitment minded. Period. He may be fabulous, and I may be ultra-attracted, but there's no way that I'd pretzel myself 'around' someone in the hope of manipulating What I Want from him. That's for kids.

    Head high, and I hope you'll come out of this feeling comfortable and confident in holding out for What You Want. There's no shame in that, and there's no point in settling for anything less.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    I'd view his behavior in front of mutual friends as a hostile nose rub, and his defense about it only amplifies the disrespect. I'd laugh, tell him he can keep that, and I'd wish him the best. I'd be civil if our paths cross in public, but beyond that, I'd view him as a manipulator and no match for me.

    I'd use this experience to gain clarity about What I Want. If that's a committed relationship, I'd make sure to put that on the table, up front, as a screening device before I'd even start dating someone.

    This doesn't mean some demand for a commitment to me before dating, but rather, I'd use the getting-to-know-you conversation to raise that I consider myself long term relationship material, and I'd ask whether he views himself the same way. If so, then it's a go. If not, or "he doesn't know," then I'd thank him for his honesty, but I'm only interested in dating men who feel the same as me about learning whether we're a long term match. If he ever changes his mind and would like to try dating for that purpose, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up.

    It makes no sense to position myself for an investment in someone who's not commitment minded. Period. He may be fabulous, and I may be ultra-attracted, but there's no way that I'd pretzel myself 'around' someone in the hope of manipulating What I Want from him. That's for kids.

    Head high, and I hope you'll come out of this feeling comfortable and confident in holding out for What You Want. There's no shame in that, and there's no point in settling for anything less.
    I completely agree with how this is put. OP you deserve and can do better than someone who would behave this way.

  8. #27
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    Regardless of the other woman, if someone tells you after eight months that they're not committed to you - it's time to ship out and find someone who would want to be.

    The incident with the other woman is just a taste of what that lack of commitment is going to mean for you.

    I once knew a guy who had been in a relationship with a woman for a couple of years; she had to go abroad for three weeks to support her daughter, who was on some kind of tour. He slept with someone else while she was away, justifying it by telling her that 'he had never said they were exclusive.' She got out of the relationship very quickly after that!

    If you want to be in an uncommitted sexual relationship (aka FWB) then carry on as you are. If you stay with him, you are setting yourself up for more of this kind of behaviour because, by implication, you will be tolerating it. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, and will assume you're fine with it, too, even if you protest - because you haven't walked away.

    Don't be that girl!

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    Regardless of the other woman, if someone tells you after eight months that they're not committed to you - it's time to ship out and find someone who would want to be.

    The incident with the other woman is just a taste of what that lack of commitment is going to mean for you.

    I once knew a guy who had been in a relationship with a woman for a couple of years; she had to go abroad for three weeks to support her daughter, who was on some kind of tour. He slept with someone else while she was away, justifying it by telling her that 'he had never said they were exclusive.' She got out of the relationship very quickly after that!

    If you want to be in an uncommitted sexual relationship (aka FWB) then carry on as you are. If you stay with him, you are setting yourself up for more of this kind of behaviour because, by implication, you will be tolerating it. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, and will assume you're fine with it, too, even if you protest - because you haven't walked away.

    Don't be that girl!
    I don't think uncommitted sexual relationships are necessarily friends with benefits. Just might mean casual dating and they happen to have sex - she has to decide if that works for her -sounds like right now it doesn't in particular because he feels comfortable being in her face about it which is tacky/rude IMO. She never brought it up and assumed and he assumed differently. Now she knows what he assumed.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Heather01
    I have been seeing my partner for 8 months (we are both over 40).
    We see each other several times a week, spend most weekends together (often with his son), holiday together, have met each other's families, attend family functions together, talk about future travels, and are referred to as a couple by our friends.

    However we have never formally stated that we are in a committed relationship.
    Nevermind commitment, agree that takes time, but what about exclusivity?

    You've been consistently dating eight months, at least twice a week, met and spent time and holidays with your families including his son, attend family events, are considered a couple, etc etc yes I think it's safe assume that at the very least you were exclusive.

    But yet because you did not have some formal conversation, he feels he's justified becoming physical with another woman, in front of your mutual friends??

    What a bunch of BS.

    My long term ex and I (together six years, lived together, engaged) never had a formal "talk" re exclusivity but it was quite clear by virtue of our actions as outlined above that we were

    Using your partner's logic (guess we can't even call him your bf can we), if lets say after 5 years and living together, if my bf had stepped out on me, it's justified because we never had "the talk"?

    This is the biggest bunch of BS I've read in awhile, the guy is a POS.

    I think it would be safe to conclude you were at the very least exclusive by virtue of his actions, consistently over eight months.

    His actions, your actions.

    It's interesting cause while I would find it difficult to forgive his indiscretion especially in front of mutual friends, the way he is gaslighting you now in an attempt to make you believe he did nothing "wrong" would be worse and a total deal breaker for me.

    And in front of mutual friends? I'm sorry that's just beyond the pale.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 12-09-2018 at 02:07 PM.

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