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Thread: When does a relationship become "committed"?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Sorry but in actions, you certainly were in a committed relationship. I wouldn't even call what he did as getting by on a technicality. He flat out and out brazenly cheated on you and is now gaslighting and making excuses on how you are the crazy one to think that you were in a relationship. I call bs on all of that. You've just seen the other side of him and it's not pretty to say the least. I wouldn't accept any excuses of "well we didn't spell it out and put it in a contract and had 10 lawyers witness it, so I'm free to eff around." That excuse might work if you had just started dating, but not 8 months and all the other things you do down the road.

    In your shoes, I'd drop him cold. He showed you his true character, judge him accordingly and move on. There are plenty of better men out there who will never pull a stunt like that on you. Heck even being single is better than dealing with a loser like that.

  2. #12
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    Heather, without a doubt, you are in a committed relationship- you’re not imagining things, you’ve done nothing wrong. This jerk (Sorry, but he is) cheated and is now trying to get out of it. Did he even say sorry or did he just brush it off when you mentioned it to him? Does he still assume you’ll go on in the same manner, hanging out with his family at the holidays and he’ll be in the corner kissing some random woman? And he thinks this is ok?

    I feel so bad for you, you don’t deserve this!

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. Personally I don't associate with people who play Simon says games. Simon says have sex, Simon says meet families, Simon says spend weekends together..oops, Simon didn't say we're exclusive. WTH?.
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I wouldn't accept any excuses of "well we didn't spell it out and put it in a contract and had 10 lawyers witness it, so I'm free to eff around." That excuse might work if you had just started dating, but not 8 months and all the other things you do down the road.

    In your shoes, I'd drop him cold. He showed you his true character, judge him accordingly and move on. There are plenty of better men out there who will never pull a stunt like that on you. Heck even being single is better than dealing with a loser like that.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Agree. Personally I don't associate with people who play Simon says games. Simon says have sex, Simon says meet families, Simon says spend weekends together..oops, Simon didn't say we're exclusive. WTH?.
    I don't think it's a game at all. Until you talk about it you assume that you're both allowed to keep your options open even if you're only mainly dating each other. Especially if sex is involved because then there's the risk of STDs (especially if you're not monogamous) and there's been no talk about what would happen in case of an accidental pregnancy. I never assumed I was exclusive with someone no matter how he wanted to act like a couple, meet his friends/family, etc. I introduced guys to my family before we were exclusive and friends too. And vice versa.

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  6. #15
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    I agree with this so much!!

    OP
    It seems he has his cake and ate it too. He had the luxury of having sex and companionship without having to commit. Problem was you didn’t know about it so he feels now he cheated he can play the “Non’ exclusive card in his favor.

    Sounds like a fwb situation.

    Unfortunately he just happened to leave out the fact of his intentions.

  7. #16
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    you are in an exclusive / committed relationship when you mutually agree you are explicitly. there is no “secret unwritten rule” or “unwritten guidelines” that count here. UNTIL you explicitly and mutually declare it and it’s clear - you aren’t committed or exclusive.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    He did everything in action implying commitment. I think he’s getting off on a technicality.

    Meeting kids and family? In any kind of romantic sense, that implies commitment.

    Other posters will say you can’t assume, and you can’t I guess, but I’d be done with him.
    I'd be done too because of his reaction but I think it's on her to communicate directly what she wants and expects. However, even if just dating regularly it's rude of him to make out with someone in front of her friends too. I've been in a similar situation where someone told me about someone I was dating (but we were not committed yet and I knew he was seeing someone else as well) - so it wasn't at all cheating and it still was uncomfortable - and if he'd known that my mutual friend would report he wouldn't have done it and he felt awful- he hadn't made the connection. This guy isn't cheating but he acted like a jerk.

  9. #18
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    Can you be sure that he hasnt gone further with another woman?

  10. #19
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    Just in my opinion, I think you should just end it with him. The reason why I say this is that if after eight months and seeing each other all the time and going to functions together etc., if this guy doesn't want to commit to you, he probably never will. Eight months is a long time and he should definitely know by now if he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you. He knows and he doesn't. I think that when you're really into someone and see a future with them, you would not pursue someone else and then just brush it off and say: "Oh, but we we aren't officially together". I know you probably don't want to hear this, but "he's just not that into you", as the book/movie says lol If someone truly likes you, they will commit.

    The only time when someone may want to see other people is if they're polyamorous, in which case they would have to be upfront about that straight away and set some ground rules for the relationship. I have some polyamorous friends and they are very open and honest with all the people they're seeing. It's actually called "ethical non-monogamy". The way this guy behaved is not ethical at all by any standards! Because if he wanted to be seeing other people too, he should have told you that by now.

    I think don't waste your time with him anymore, he doesn't deserve you.

  11. #20
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    I kept my options open until we were exclusive but in any serious relationship I had other than one when I was in my early 20s that transition happened within the first 6 weeks of dating. I did casually date certain people for longer but we were not having sex and we were not polyamorous. We simply were dating each other without being exclusive.

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