Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 29

Thread: When does a relationship become "committed"?

  1. #1

    When does a relationship become "committed"?

    I have been seeing my partner for 8 months (we are both over 40).
    We see each other several times a week, spend most weekends together (often with his son), holiday together, have met each other's families, attend family functions together, talk about future travels, and are referred to as a couple by our friends.
    However we have never formally stated that we are in a committed relationship.
    I was devastated to learn that he recently kissed (tongues were involved) another woman at a party in front of mutual friends.
    He says he has done nothing wrong because we are not committed to each other.
    I am deeply hurt and confused.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter Jibralta's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2016
    Posts
    4,250
    Gender
    Female
    It seems that somewhere along the line, there was a miscommunication. That is the danger of assuming.

    I'm not saying that I think he is right for doing what he did. I think it was a bit underhanded and I would be hurt, too.

    But technically (if we like to litigate our relationships) he's not wrong.

    If I were in your shoes, I'm not sure I'd want to continue with this man.

    However, if you still want to stay, now is the time to have a conversation about commitment.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    32,405
    Gender
    Male
    Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are living two different realities. You assume "We see each other several times a week, spend most weekends together, holiday together, have met each other's families, attend family functions together, and are referred to as a couple by our friends" implies a certain relationship.

    Unfortunately he seems to think it's dating and not exclusive dating. It may be time to step out of this unless you want an "open" relationship. His ambiguity works for him to simultaneously play the field and have a regular thing going. But it doesn't work for you.
    Originally Posted by Heather01
    I have been seeing my partner for 8 months (we are both over 40). I was devastated to learn that he recently kissed (tongues were involved) another woman at a party in front of mutual friends. He says he has done nothing wrong because we are not committed to each other.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    1,926
    Gender
    Male
    I agree with Jibralta: now is the time to have the commitment talk.

    If, that is, you're still able to approach it from a place of warmth rather than hurt. That may not be possible, and that's understandable. Technically, he broke no rules, but what he did stung.

    I'd let him know, clearly, that moving forward (if you truly can/want to move forward after this) you want to be monogamous; otherwise, grateful as you are for everything you've shared, it's clear that you want different things. No blame, no fury, just the truth.

    His response will let you know everything you need. If he stutters and waffles—well, he's not ready to leave the gray zone. If he offers something more on your level, you let go of this chapter and move forward together toward the next.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    49,332
    Originally Posted by Heather01
    I have been seeing my partner for 8 months (we are both over 40).
    We see each other several times a week, spend most weekends together (often with his son), holiday together, have met each other's families, attend family functions together, talk about future travels, and are referred to as a couple by our friends.
    However we have never formally stated that we are in a committed relationship.
    I was devastated to learn that he recently kissed (tongues were involved) another woman at a party in front of mutual friends.
    He says he has done nothing wrong because we are not committed to each other.
    I am deeply hurt and confused.
    To me there does need to be a talk -others disagree. In all my serious relationships the guy brought up being exclusive within the first 6 weeks of dating with one exception. In my early 20s after a broken engagement I started dating a really hot guy who told me on the first date he definitely wasn't marrying until at least 30 and asked me to teach him how to date (he was 22 and didn't do formal dating in college although he had a girlfriend for awhile and hooked up with a few college gals). He didn't bring up being committed until we were dating 6 months. He was dating or at least hooking up with someone else and I basically knew about it. But my memory is a little foggy on that - all I know is I know we weren't committed and I didn't bring it up although he knew I was so over the moon about him. We were not yet having sex (I was a virgin, he was not, he was willing to wait). After 6 months I went to club med on my own. When I returned he realized how much he'd missed me and how much he wanted me to be only his . In fact he started talking about marriage soon after (and we waited another 6 months to have sex so it wasn't related to having sex).

    That was the only exception. I have heard of healthy long term relationships where the woman brought up commitment first.

    Your date is having a great time being a couple when it suits him. It's fun and easy. You're available and you haven't complained. He is right - no confusion - he never said he wouldn't keep his options open and he saw an attractive woman and kissed her. It's kind of jerky on his part because he was so in your face about it but he's just confirming that you two are not in a committed relationship even though you're the main person he dates right now. I started dating my husband when we were in our late 30s. We'd dated seriously in the past. We spoke of commitment the day we got back together because our mutual goal was marriage to each other -to see if that could happen - and we knew it made no sense to get back together unless we were committed. The first time around that we dated I believe he asked me to be his girlfriend or something like that within 4-6 weeks of dating. We waited 6 months to have sex back then.

    I'm sharing my background (I am now in my early 50s) and probably too much of it because I know there are people who disagree -that you're entitled to rely on all this couple stuff and having sex as an assumption that there is commitment and exclusivity. I think that is more of an exception and given STDs and pregnancy I think it's foolish to rely on assumptions (or at least talk about being sexually monogamous)

    I'm really sorry about what happened. It would make me nauseous, commitment or otherwise and here's what I'd take from his reaction -he is not that into you and doesn't see potential for the long term with you because if he did no way would he let you be out there as a free agent for this long.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    3,256
    Gender
    Female
    At whatever point you wanted to be in a committed relationship, you should've broached the subject. Because if what you want doesn't match his dating goals or a similar timeline of when you want particular things, you're not compatible. In your shoes, if a guy had spent a full 8 months with me, holding my hand, kissing me, having sex with me, and still could easily kiss another woman, that'd spell the end for me. When I like a guy enough to do all these things with, I have no desire to give myself in any of those ways with another man. I won't settle for a guy who isn't likeminded in that way.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    32,405
    Gender
    Male
    Agree with this sentiment. There was no misunderstanding, no miscommunication, he just let you believe you were "a couple" yet played the field. Why carry on with someone who uses these type of "technicalities" to string you along?

    He's not who you thought he was. Having a warm and fuzzy talk will not change his nature or his attitude. It will only condone his behavior, thereby slapping yourself in the face indicating that he can use "technicalities" and semantics to play games. A player's and BSer's dream come true. Don't be a doormat.
    Originally Posted by Andrina
    if a guy had spent a full 8 months with me, holding my hand, kissing me, having sex with me, and still could easily kiss another woman, that'd spell the end for me.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Posts
    6,236
    Gender
    Female
    In my opinion, this guy is relying on a technicality.

    While I agree that it’s true that you should never assume that you are in a relationship unless you’ve had “the talk” (and that’s probably where you went wrong in protecting yourself)... I also think it would be disingenuous if he were to try to claim that he had NO idea that you thought you were a couple with the meeting of family, future plans, etc. Like... I’m sure he knew you were under a false impression. Somewhere in there, if he’s a nice guy and cares about you, I would think it would be his duty to clarify things BEFORE he goes and makes out with some girl in front of your friends, yanno? He chose the most hurtful way possible to let you in on where he stands.

    So - while technically he wasn’t wrong in making out with that girl - it certainly wasn’t friendly or compassionate towards you.

    In my books, knowingly letting someone operate on false assumptions (about any subject - not just relationships) for your own gain is taking advantage of them.

    To be honest, I wouldn’t even bother trying to have “the talk” now, personally. While he didn’t do anything “wrong” in a strict “cheating” sense... he has certainly shown that he is not caring and protective of your feelings. That was something that was within his power - even while maintaining non-exclusivity if that’s what he wanted.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Posts
    10,202
    Is he technically within his rights? I'd say sure.

    After something like this, would I be able to look at someone the same if I'd dated them 8 months and if they, albeit and IMO much too soon, were inviting me over for weekends while their kid is around? Personally, with respect to their being within their right and thus not raising a stink about it, probably not. I would consequently be wishing them the best. And, being quite honest, this is coming from someone who can compartmentalize things like this pretty well and who can actually somewhat appreciate wanting to kiss an attractive lady and falling back on not being committed in order to do so.

    But really, the question in bold is the only one that I think matters at this point. Even suppose tomorrow he said, "Ur the only 1 4 me, bb," do you think you wouldn't go the next weeks or months with resentment snowballing inside? I mean fair enough if, assuming it's something he would want, commitment would flip that switch for you. My guess would be that the respect and trust are both too far gone at this point, though.

    All that said, I am curious. Is there a particular reason you two aren't committed? Has there been hesitation on your part? It seems a bit backward that he's having you over with his son around only to be the one milking the lack of unofficial commitment.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2016
    Posts
    3,846
    He did everything in action implying commitment. I think he’s getting off on a technicality.

    Meeting kids and family? In any kind of romantic sense, that implies commitment.

    Other posters will say you can’t assume, and you can’t I guess, but I’d be done with him.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •