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I'm in a weird situation with someone I am interested in


BrokenGator

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I've known this girl for over a year. When I first met her we were only friends but she gave off signals that she was interested in me. 5 months ago she broke up with her bf yet we remained friends. 3 months ago we started talking about dating and stuff and we would we started going out more. I like this girl and she seems like she likes me as well. Then two weeks ago we talked about dating exclusively and then she sprung the "I don't want to date anyone at the moment and I just want to focus on myself and I just need some time". So I was like ok, fine, how much time do you need? And she said "not long". So I told her "ok fine, I respect that... but if you're using that time to date other guys, then I am not interested in dating you." She said she understood.

 

So from that moment, I stopped calling her or reaching out to her. However, she's texted me and called me a couple of times during those two weeks. And not only that, during our last phone call a few days ago, i told her that I was going to some church event. she never told me she wanted to go, but she ended up showing up to it. We sat next to each other while we were eating and stuff. After the event was over, I walked her to her car and we hugged each other bye and that was it.

 

I really don't know what to do at this point. Do I just keep busying myself and wait for her to reach out to me? Do I wait a couple of more weeks and ask her where she's at during her introspective time?

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No, don't wait. When people tell you they need some time for themselves, they're not actually saying they need a set amount of time. You're in denial asking her about how much time she needs. And what were doing doing talking about dating with her? You date her or you don't date her.

 

Face it, she has friend-zoned you. Now, she's happy to hang out with you, but apparently she doesn't want to date you.

 

So stop wasting your time and move on. You may not be her type or she just considers you like a brother. Find someone who wants to date you.

 

She's pushing you away as a potential boyfriend.

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If she was in an LTR and she broke up, you risk becoming a rebound. Imo, you would be better off moving on. Her feelings for you sound lukewarm and that's not a good start. Pushing her with ultimatums is not the answer either. If she was in a good headspace things would be effortless. At best, the timing is off. At worst, she used you as a distraction to lessen the impact of her break up. Personally, I wouldn't go for someone who "gave off signals" of being interested while they were still in a relationship with someone else. I find that tacky and not something I would want a future partner to be capable of...

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No, don't wait. When people tell you they need some time for themselves, they're not actually saying they need a set amount of time. You're in denial asking her about how much time she needs. And what were doing doing talking about dating with her? You date her or you don't date her.

 

Face it, she has friend-zoned you. Now, she's happy to hang out with you, but apparently she doesn't want to date you.

 

So stop wasting your time and move on. You may not be her type or she just considers you like a brother. Find someone who wants to date you.

 

She's pushing you away as a potential boyfriend.

So what shall I do right now? Should I just ignore her when she calls? Call her back a couple of days later?

 

Why is she showing up to a church event she knew I was going to be at? Makes no sense.

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If she was in an LTR and she broke up, you risk becoming a rebound. Imo, you would be better off moving on. Her feelings for you sound lukewarm and that's not a good start. Pushing her with ultimatums is not the answer either. If she was in a good headspace things would be effortless. At best, the timing is off. At worst, she used you as a distraction to lessen the impact of her break up. Personally, I wouldn't go for someone who "gave off signals" of being interested while they were still in a relationship with someone else. I find that tacky and not something I would want a future partner to be capable of...
So I should completely become too busy for her?
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Yes. You should move on. The fact that she showed up in your church is not all about you as you seem to think. It was probably just to distract herself from whatever is really bothering her. No need to ignore her calls. Just tell her that you are not interested in friends only and to call you only if she decides to date you. Then carry on as if she doesn't exist anymore i.e. try to meet new girls. If you keep humoring her, you risk being used as a distraction.

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Yes. You should move on. The fact that she showed up in your church is not all about you as you seem to think. It was probably just to distract herself from whatever is really bothering her. No need to ignore her calls. Just tell her that you are not interested in friends only and to call you only if she decides to date you. Then carry on as if she doesn't exist anymore i.e. try to meet new girls. If you keep humoring her, you risk being used as a distraction.
It wasn't my church (or her church), it was some other church. She just knew I was going and just shows up. Why on Earth would she just shown up? It's so weird.
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It's not weird, really. It's not fair, but this is not unusual behaviour for the recently-single.

 

She is looking for a way to ease her transition into single-hood. She knows you like her, so she comes around when she wants to soothe her loneliness or take her mind off the recent changes in her life. You're a convenient source of attention.

 

I would ask to please not call or write if she's only interested in being friends. Otherwise, you risk being a rebound and then discarded when she's feeling better and ready to date someone more seriously.

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It wasn't my church (or her church), it was some other church. She just knew I was going and just shows up. Why on Earth would she just shown up? It's so weird.

 

Some of this advice is so unnecessarily negative.

 

I think you should just be friendly to her, like always. Firstly because it's the decent thing to do (because who wants to be one of those so-called "nice" guys who are only nice if they think they're going to get sex from it), secondly because it actually puts you into a better position once she's worked through her feelings over the recent breakup.

 

I don't think girls just friendzone someone just like that. There's been several times I've been semi-interested in someone but still trying to work out whether we'd be compatible, without getting too involved first. My last serious relationship, I was friends with for six months first, that whole time he had a crush on me. We were together several years.

 

She could be doing the same thing I did. Weighing you up, trying to decide if you'd be a good fit together. Looking for red flags to see if you would actually treat her right.

 

Just be her friend, don't push her away or play hard to get. It's far more attractive if you are that nice friendly guy who's always there for her..... Girls don't like a challenge, we like a guy we can count on, and who is all about us. It's a very nice feeling to know that someone liked us so much, they dudnt give up on us.

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Some of this advice is so unnecessarily negative.

 

I think you should just be friendly to her, like always. Firstly because it's the decent thing to do (because who wants to be one of those so-called "nice" guys who are only nice if they think they're going to get sex from it), secondly because it actually puts you into a better position once she's worked through her feelings over the recent breakup.

 

I don't think girls just friendzone someone just like that. There's been several times I've been semi-interested in someone but still trying to work out whether we'd be compatible, without getting too involved first. My last serious relationship, I was friends with for six months first, that whole time he had a crush on me. We were together several years.

 

She could be doing the same thing I did. Weighing you up, trying to decide if you'd be a good fit together. Looking for red flags to see if you would actually treat her right.

 

Just be her friend, don't push her away or play hard to get. It's far more attractive if you are that nice friendly guy who's always there for her..... Girls don't like a challenge, we like a guy we can count on, and who is all about us. It's a very nice feeling to know that someone liked us so much, they dudnt give up on us.

Should I let her initiate most of the contract? Should I ask her how she is doing on the self-evaluation? Should I call her and tell her I liked seeing her last night when she showed up? Should I ask her why she showed up?

 

And if I do ask her how it's all going for her, how should I respond and act towards her if she says she needs more time?

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So she’s recently gone through a break up, you initiate the exclusive conversation and when she says she’s not ready, you 1.) demand a set amount of time for becoming ready, and 2.) threaten that if she dates anyone else then you’re not interested in her??

 

If you truly cared about her, this would not be your thought process. I probably would’ve told you to go F yourself.

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Sounds to me like you are really smitten and very very eager to be with her. Unfortunately, she has made it very clear to you that she isn't that interested in you. You've known each other for awhile and I'll be very very honest with you - I'd never tell a guy I'm really into that I can't date him and want personal space. It's something I'd say to a guy I'm friend zoning. Sure, she still wants to talk to you, hang out with you when she feels like it or when she is feeling lonely and the fact that you are into her boosts her ego and that feels nice for her, but......

 

Basically, it's only been a couple of weeks, so chill out. You shouldn't be asking anything or reading anything into anything she is or isn't doing. She asked for space, so give her a couple of months at least before you even consider bringing up your desire for dating her again. If you can't wait that long, then probably best that you just move on. If you are willing to wait, then take a deep breath and wait and just be friendly in the meantime.

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This and communicating with and hanging out with you are all signs of her leaning on you to assuage her breakup, but not in dating. Yes it's a friendzone kind of thing. Don't wait around. Be polite and friendly but don't hold her hand through her breakup so she heals and then moves on. Let her miss you.

It wasn't my church (or her church), it was some other church. She just knew I was going and just shows up. Why on Earth would she just shown up? It's so weird.
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Sounds to me like you are really smitten and very very eager to be with her. Unfortunately, she has made it very clear to you that she isn't that interested in you. You've known each other for awhile and I'll be very very honest with you - I'd never tell a guy I'm really into that I can't date him and want personal space. It's something I'd say to a guy I'm friend zoning. Sure, she still wants to talk to you, hang out with you when she feels like it or when she is feeling lonely and the fact that you are into her boosts her ego and that feels nice for her, but......

 

Basically, it's only been a couple of weeks, so chill out. You shouldn't be asking anything or reading anything into anything she is or isn't doing. She asked for space, so give her a couple of months at least before you even consider bringing up your desire for dating her again. If you can't wait that long, then probably best that you just move on. If you are willing to wait, then take a deep breath and wait and just be friendly in the meantime.

Yeah I do like her a lot. So you think she just showed up unannounced to the event because she was just bored? Should I no longer initiate conversation with her? I need help figuring out what to do next.

 

All of this is weird because she acted and mentioned she was totally into me. Maybe she really does feel like she needs to work on herself first. I just don't want to be strung along.

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So she’s recently gone through a break up, you initiate the exclusive conversation and when she says she’s not ready, you 1.) demand a set amount of time for becoming ready, and 2.) threaten that if she dates anyone else then you’re not interested in her??

 

If you truly cared about her, this would not be your thought process. I probably would’ve told you to go F yourself.

I didn't threaten anything. If she's dating other guys while she tells me she only want to focus on herself, then it's someone I'm not interested in dating anymore. I'm not going to be her second or third B*.

 

And btw, she was the one that kinda nudged the exclusively conversation and I set it into motion. All I heard from her while we were dating was how awesome and amazing I am and how she wished she met me when she was 18. So if she is capable of saying that, then not go into exclusively after she nudged it, then tell me she she wants time to focus on herself, then go around dating other guys... That's crazy. I set the parameters. If she wants time, then I support her. If she wants time to date others, then I'm out. Simple right? :). Anyone that would respond with "f off" in this situation is doing me a favor.

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This and communicating with and hanging out with you are all signs of her leaning on you to assuage her breakup, but not in dating. Yes it's a friendzone kind of thing. Don't wait around. Be polite and friendly but don't hold her hand through her breakup so she heals and then moves on. Let her miss you.
So I shouldn't go out of my way to initiate contact? If she contacts me, not make myself readily available? I hate games. Why can't things just be more straightforward.
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Should I let her initiate most of the contract? Should I ask her how she is doing on the self-evaluation? Should I call her and tell her I liked seeing her last night when she showed up? Should I ask her why she showed up?

 

And if I do ask her how it's all going for her, how should I respond and act towards her if she says she needs more time?

 

 

No, don't ask her WHY she showed up. It's cool to say that you were GLAD she showed up and that it was nice to see her but asking her WHY just puts pressure on her.

 

She's only recently single. She'll be getting all the advice from people telling her that she needs to take time out to work on herself, etc. She'll be grieving the last relationship, remembering the good and the bad and wanting to ensure she doesn't repeat the same mistakes.

 

Just be her friend. Don't give up, definitely don't tell her about other girls (some guys do this to try to make a girl jealous, or to pressure her into committing, or even to let her know it's "safe" to hang out with them), just be nice and consistent and someone she can rely on.

 

And stop overthinking everything!! Focus on yourself and your own life, do stuff that makes you happy, but continue being nice to her and open ti her. Let her build trust in you.

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So I shouldn't go out of my way to initiate contact? If she contacts me, not make myself readily available? I hate games. Why can't things just be more straightforward.

 

Just be straight forward. Playing games is just counterproductive and will make her think you don't like her. Which will turn her off and make her think you were just after one thing.

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Yeah I do like her a lot. So you think she just showed up unannounced to the event because she was just bored? Should I no longer initiate conversation with her? I need help figuring out what to do next.

 

All of this is weird because she acted and mentioned she was totally into me. Maybe she really does feel like she needs to work on herself first. I just don't want to be strung along.

 

Yes, I do think she was feeling lonely, knew where you'd be and it kind of worked for her that way.

 

Anyway, I think you need to be straightforward with yourself - no games, just give yourself a time limit on how long you are willing to wait on her and be reasonable about it. Like I said, if you can be patient for a couple of months, great. Then be straight with her and just ask again if she is interested in dating you. If she says no or gives you any kind of a wishy washy answer, or that she still needs more time, basically anything other than an enthusiastic "yes I want to date you", then take it as a no and move on permanently.

 

Meanwhile just be friends like you were before you tried to date? Whatever the dynamic was then? Just go back to that and so no games and no pressure either way. Hang out if you want, talk if you want how friends would. If you don't want to play games, then don't...you know.

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Ok, I'll give all of that a shot. I just don't want her to drop breadcrumbs and just dragging me along giving me hope. The other day she called me after she left work and she acted like she was so happy to talk to me. This is killing me.

 

That's why I keep saying to give yourself a time limit on how long you'll wait on her. You can't control what she does, but can control what you do. If you give this 2 months and that's your cut off, then you can be at peace and just be friendly with her in the meantime, right? Like you know and you decided on the end game so it's not longer her stringing you along. Like you don't need to worry about it because you already know what YOU are doing.

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females tend to not be direct because they “don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

a female that has interest in you won’t turn you down and let you go. they’re going to make sure they don’t lose you.

 

thus. its clear she’s not interested in you and the “need time for myself, not ready to date yet” is a usable line to gently reject you without hurting your feelings. because i can guarantee you if the man of their dreams were to show up 1 day later - they woudln’t be saying no to that guy.

 

texting and talking to you for 2 weeks does not make the foundation of a relationship or interest. Especially when she shows up to an event and never made mention or invited you or communicated it to you. See.. if she had any interest in you, she would have made sure to communicate it to you and made sure you both realized you would be there and make plans to ensure you crossed paths and spent time together and looked forward to attending together. let me guess.. you sat together because YOU insisted or made sure that happened... not her right?

 

Time to move on. She has no interest in you romantically. Sorry.

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females tend to not be direct because they “don’t want to hurt your feelings.”

a female that has interest in you won’t turn you down and let you go. they’re going to make sure they don’t lose you.

 

thus. its clear she’s not interested in you and the “need time for myself, not ready to date yet” is a usable line to gently reject you without hurting your feelings. because i can guarantee you if the man of their dreams were to show up 1 day later - they woudln’t be saying no to that guy.

 

texting and talking to you for 2 weeks does not make the foundation of a relationship or interest. Especially when she shows up to an event and never made mention or invited you or communicated it to you. See.. if she had any interest in you, she would have made sure to communicate it to you and made sure you both realized you would be there and make plans to ensure you crossed paths and spent time together and looked forward to attending together. let me guess.. you sat together because YOU insisted or made sure that happened... not her right?

 

Time to move on. She has no interest in you romantically. Sorry.

She knew about the event because she heard me talking about it. But I never invited her to come and she ever told me she was going. She just happened to show up. And like I mentioned above, she's the one that was nudging for exclusively but when I started putting it into action, she kinda started backing off. I agree with the majority response here that she probably legitimately needs time to heal from the last relationship. Now that I think about it more, I remember her saying to me she wanted to start over with me... whatever that means.

 

I think the bottom line here is that my actions should be the same wether she really does need time or she's not really interested in me anymore.

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That's why I keep saying to give yourself a time limit on how long you'll wait on her. You can't control what she does, but can control what you do. If you give this 2 months and that's your cut off, then you can be at peace and just be friendly with her in the meantime, right? Like you know and you decided on the end game so it's not longer her stringing you along. Like you don't need to worry about it because you already know what YOU are doing.
Yes, you're right. I don't mind waiting two months if she legit needs the time. I also have to see some kind of progress of her coming around during this time period. But in the mean time, the holidays are coming so I'll be busy with family and friends. She's also going away for two weeks to visit family. So it's forced on us to be away from each other anyway, so it probably worked out well this way.

 

I did not insist she sit next to me. After the service was over, she came to me and said hello and hugged me. She then followed me into the church hall.

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Yes, you're right. I don't mind waiting two months if she legit needs the time. I also have to see some kind of progress of her coming around during this time period. But in the mean time, the holidays are coming so I'll be busy with family and friends. She's also going away for two weeks to visit family. So it's forced on us to be away from each other anyway, so it probably worked out well this way.

 

I did not insist she sit next to me. After the service was over, she came to me and said hello and hugged me. She then followed me into the church hall.

 

Then I'd suggest that you maybe try to see where you are at with her after the holidays. I don't mean going completely silent, just be friendly as you were in the past. That's all. After the holiday craziness is over and you are both back and recovered, you can ask again. If it's still a no, then you cut loose from her. This way you won't have to look back and wonder what if and you won't get strung along forever either. A kind of balanced win/win.

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