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Thread: I'm in a weird situation with someone I am interested in

  1. #1
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    I'm in a weird situation with someone I am interested in

    I've known this girl for over a year. When I first met her we were only friends but she gave off signals that she was interested in me. 5 months ago she broke up with her bf yet we remained friends. 3 months ago we started talking about dating and stuff and we would we started going out more. I like this girl and she seems like she likes me as well. Then two weeks ago we talked about dating exclusively and then she sprung the "I don't want to date anyone at the moment and I just want to focus on myself and I just need some time". So I was like ok, fine, how much time do you need? And she said "not long". So I told her "ok fine, I respect that... but if you're using that time to date other guys, then I am not interested in dating you." She said she understood.

    So from that moment, I stopped calling her or reaching out to her. However, she's texted me and called me a couple of times during those two weeks. And not only that, during our last phone call a few days ago, i told her that I was going to some church event. she never told me she wanted to go, but she ended up showing up to it. We sat next to each other while we were eating and stuff. After the event was over, I walked her to her car and we hugged each other bye and that was it.

    I really don't know what to do at this point. Do I just keep busying myself and wait for her to reach out to me? Do I wait a couple of more weeks and ask her where she's at during her introspective time?

  2. #2
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    No, don't wait. When people tell you they need some time for themselves, they're not actually saying they need a set amount of time. You're in denial asking her about how much time she needs. And what were doing doing talking about dating with her? You date her or you don't date her.

    Face it, she has friend-zoned you. Now, she's happy to hang out with you, but apparently she doesn't want to date you.

    So stop wasting your time and move on. You may not be her type or she just considers you like a brother. Find someone who wants to date you.

    She's pushing you away as a potential boyfriend.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    If she was in an LTR and she broke up, you risk becoming a rebound. Imo, you would be better off moving on. Her feelings for you sound lukewarm and that's not a good start. Pushing her with ultimatums is not the answer either. If she was in a good headspace things would be effortless. At best, the timing is off. At worst, she used you as a distraction to lessen the impact of her break up. Personally, I wouldn't go for someone who "gave off signals" of being interested while they were still in a relationship with someone else. I find that tacky and not something I would want a future partner to be capable of...

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    Originally Posted by DanZee
    No, don't wait. When people tell you they need some time for themselves, they're not actually saying they need a set amount of time. You're in denial asking her about how much time she needs. And what were doing doing talking about dating with her? You date her or you don't date her.

    Face it, she has friend-zoned you. Now, she's happy to hang out with you, but apparently she doesn't want to date you.

    So stop wasting your time and move on. You may not be her type or she just considers you like a brother. Find someone who wants to date you.

    She's pushing you away as a potential boyfriend.
    So what shall I do right now? Should I just ignore her when she calls? Call her back a couple of days later?

    Why is she showing up to a church event she knew I was going to be at? Makes no sense.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    If she was in an LTR and she broke up, you risk becoming a rebound. Imo, you would be better off moving on. Her feelings for you sound lukewarm and that's not a good start. Pushing her with ultimatums is not the answer either. If she was in a good headspace things would be effortless. At best, the timing is off. At worst, she used you as a distraction to lessen the impact of her break up. Personally, I wouldn't go for someone who "gave off signals" of being interested while they were still in a relationship with someone else. I find that tacky and not something I would want a future partner to be capable of...
    So I should completely become too busy for her?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Yes. You should move on. The fact that she showed up in your church is not all about you as you seem to think. It was probably just to distract herself from whatever is really bothering her. No need to ignore her calls. Just tell her that you are not interested in friends only and to call you only if she decides to date you. Then carry on as if she doesn't exist anymore i.e. try to meet new girls. If you keep humoring her, you risk being used as a distraction.

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    Originally Posted by Clio
    Yes. You should move on. The fact that she showed up in your church is not all about you as you seem to think. It was probably just to distract herself from whatever is really bothering her. No need to ignore her calls. Just tell her that you are not interested in friends only and to call you only if she decides to date you. Then carry on as if she doesn't exist anymore i.e. try to meet new girls. If you keep humoring her, you risk being used as a distraction.
    It wasn't my church (or her church), it was some other church. She just knew I was going and just shows up. Why on Earth would she just shown up? It's so weird.

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    It's not weird, really. It's not fair, but this is not unusual behaviour for the recently-single.

    She is looking for a way to ease her transition into single-hood. She knows you like her, so she comes around when she wants to soothe her loneliness or take her mind off the recent changes in her life. You're a convenient source of attention.

    I would ask to please not call or write if she's only interested in being friends. Otherwise, you risk being a rebound and then discarded when she's feeling better and ready to date someone more seriously.

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    Originally Posted by BrokenGator
    It wasn't my church (or her church), it was some other church. She just knew I was going and just shows up. Why on Earth would she just shown up? It's so weird.
    Some of this advice is so unnecessarily negative.

    I think you should just be friendly to her, like always. Firstly because it's the decent thing to do (because who wants to be one of those so-called "nice" guys who are only nice if they think they're going to get sex from it), secondly because it actually puts you into a better position once she's worked through her feelings over the recent breakup.

    I don't think girls just friendzone someone just like that. There's been several times I've been semi-interested in someone but still trying to work out whether we'd be compatible, without getting too involved first. My last serious relationship, I was friends with for six months first, that whole time he had a crush on me. We were together several years.

    She could be doing the same thing I did. Weighing you up, trying to decide if you'd be a good fit together. Looking for red flags to see if you would actually treat her right.

    Just be her friend, don't push her away or play hard to get. It's far more attractive if you are that nice friendly guy who's always there for her..... Girls don't like a challenge, we like a guy we can count on, and who is all about us. It's a very nice feeling to know that someone liked us so much, they dudnt give up on us.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by smittenkittn
    Some of this advice is so unnecessarily negative.

    I think you should just be friendly to her, like always. Firstly because it's the decent thing to do (because who wants to be one of those so-called "nice" guys who are only nice if they think they're going to get sex from it), secondly because it actually puts you into a better position once she's worked through her feelings over the recent breakup.

    I don't think girls just friendzone someone just like that. There's been several times I've been semi-interested in someone but still trying to work out whether we'd be compatible, without getting too involved first. My last serious relationship, I was friends with for six months first, that whole time he had a crush on me. We were together several years.

    She could be doing the same thing I did. Weighing you up, trying to decide if you'd be a good fit together. Looking for red flags to see if you would actually treat her right.

    Just be her friend, don't push her away or play hard to get. It's far more attractive if you are that nice friendly guy who's always there for her..... Girls don't like a challenge, we like a guy we can count on, and who is all about us. It's a very nice feeling to know that someone liked us so much, they dudnt give up on us.
    Should I let her initiate most of the contract? Should I ask her how she is doing on the self-evaluation? Should I call her and tell her I liked seeing her last night when she showed up? Should I ask her why she showed up?

    And if I do ask her how it's all going for her, how should I respond and act towards her if she says she needs more time?
    Last edited by BrokenGator; 11-30-2018 at 10:06 AM.

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