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Thread: I'm losing my attraction to my husband cause of his weight

  1. #1
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    I'm losing my attraction to my husband cause of his weight

    We have been married for almost 40 years. He is so good to me and I love him. But he doesn't take care of himself at all and had gained so much weight. he is now at about 350 pounds. He eats all of the time. Sometimes he says he eats out of boredom.

    I have tried everything from cooking healthy to encouraging exercise, to telling him he needs bigger clothes cause I'm tired of seeing his gut hanging out of his shirt.. This has been going on for many years. He gets big and then loses some weight then balloons up again. Doctors have told him he needs a lifestyle change and he says no...


    He choses to not have a social life or friends. He likes to watch tv all of the time. I do things with my friends a lot and get bored with tv.


    I cringe at the thought of being intimate with him anymore. He is so big and I am turned off by it.


    I know some here will think I am awful for feeling this way cause marriage is for better or worse, sickness and in health, and all that. but I just don't know if I can do this anymore.


    We are pushing 60 and retirement soon. I had hopes for us to live an active retirement life but now I don't know.

    Thanks for listening.. :(

  2. #2
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Honestly, 350 pounds at 60 years old... I'd be more concerned about him making it to 61 than you not wanting him to boink you.

    It'd be a different story if you two were in your 30s, as unhealthy as his condition would still be. There's at least still be some time for pleasantries. I'm not saying you gotta come down on him and call him names, but he's in a very dangerous predicament and unfortunately is subjecting you to all the emotional turmoil which comes with it. It's difficult to discern how best to balance assertiveness with caring, but a professional mediator such as a marital counselor could help sensitively broach the issue. Have you tried approaching it as an issue of being afraid you'll be retiring alone rather than telling him to get bigger clothes and calling him out on his gut?

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    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Has he been evaluated for depression? It kind of sounds like it and like it's been going on for years already. The loss of interest in life, friends, social activities, physical activities, etc, etc, etc. From your description, it just sounds like something more is going on with him than being fat and lazy so to speak. Will he go to a doctor and you might need to talk to the doctor yourself about what's going on, especially if he wasn't like this before. He might not be telling the doctors anything to clue them in more. Keep in mind also that your efforts to cook healthy and passive aggressive jibes about his weight and his gut hanging out might well be having the opposite effect of what you want - driving him deeper into depression and helplessness. He is not stupid, he hears you and he knows what you are getting at but when someone already feels low and depressed, this kind of behavior isn't going to motivate them, it will only sink them lower and lower.

    I get your frustration, but maybe try a different approach. If this has been going on for several years, then it's likely clinical, meaning he needs medical intervention and not just a simple change of lifestyle that would work for someone who is just mildly depressed. Well, he needs both, but it might need to start with medical in this case. I'd explore that path if you are able and he is willing to go see a doctor and follow through with a referral to a psychiatrist.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. He's gone to doctors so he knows he has a lot of health risks with this. Does he already have some issues because of it such as diabetes, high blood pressure, etc? You may think you are helping by pleading about his health or "cooking healthy to encouraging exercise, to telling him he needs bigger clothes", but in fact you are nagging him. And as you've seen not only doesn't it help it creates a further rift.

    It's understandable that it is distressing to watch someone self destruct. However just pull back on all the tips and concerns. He may or not do anything about it, but it's not up to you.
    Originally Posted by boardwalk
    But he doesn't take care of himself at all and had gained so much weight. he is now at about 350 pounds. He eats all of the time. Sometimes he says he eats out of boredom.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    and how has your weight been in 30 years? are you the same weight as back then?
    as far as inspiring him to be active.. donít just complain to him and tell him whatís wrong... come up with a solution and ideas - not that YOU LIKE - but that he can get into.

    i can tell you that what finally made me stop quit smoking and get on a healthy program and lose weight was NOT everybody telling me how bad cigarettes were or what would happen to me if i didntí stop smoking or lose weight blah blah blah. that NEVER works.

    what worked is when somebody finally explained to me how it worked, why i was addicted, and gave me the tools and path on how to be SUCCESSFUL with weight loss and quitting smoking that I ENJOYED! so thatís how you got to inspire him.

    it is quite legitimate, though, that if youíre being reasonable about this (and have taken care of yourself to be desirable to him) and heís just not going to be inspired to take care of himself after plenty of reasonable and workable/enjoyable solutions have been presented to him and he just refuses to. Thatís HIS prerogative (as is your prerogative to end it).

    Good luck.

  7. #6
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    oh.. and one of the best ways to inspire others.. is to lead by example.. not impose your will thru force. :)

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    For better for worse.

    Personally, I think partners have a responsibility to each other and the marriage to nurture their relationship. And by doing so you work on engaging in mutual interests and maintaining a mutually satisfying sex life. Along with that you work on maintaining a certain level of attraction to each other, physically and emotionally. Granted, with age there are some things that are out of our control. But these are things he has control over, he just chooses not to. This is not fair to you.

    I don't believe the wording `worse' in your vows means you need to tolerate negligence or abuse (not there is abuse here) You have every right to feel the way you do.

    His eating is very much that of an addictive behavior. If he was addicted to drugs, would you feel differently?

    Having said all that, I don't have any really good advise on how to change this.

    I totally understand you wanting the best for your husband and watching him possibly cut his life short by sheer laziness and neglect would upset me as well. I am pretty sure that's not what you signed up for.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    You are not a terrible person.

    Wanting to be attracted to the man you have been with 40 years is not selfish, it is human nature. You love him and want to be close but he has chosen beer, chip and TV over you.

    Have you told him his weight has made him less attractive to you?

    It sounds like he had become super complacent and figures you will stick with him no matter what so why change? Believe it or not this comes up around here a lot and it is always a tough one.

    All you can do is talk to him about your feelings and see how he reacts. It may be better to write them down so he can read and re-read them. Then sit down and talk about your future together. What he sees the next 20 years being like and what you would like the next 20 year to be. If they are to far apart you have some serious thinking to do.

    There are few options if he will not get he weight under control:

    Divorce
    Open marriage (for intimacy)
    Separate lives but still married which includes dating other people
    He loses enough weight to recommit to you and the marriage

    Lost

    PS I find it interesting how many men that will not get in better shape during their marriage lose all kinds of weight and get in shape after the divorce.

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    I have talked to him about it many times, and as of late, he tells me that he will start a diet at the first of the new year....which consists of him starving himself and eating only one small meal a day then he designates one day a week to eat what ever he wants...That is not a diet or a life change. To me that is havoc to the body......He has been talked to about depression and even given medication to take. (several times)Ö. After a little while on the meds he stops them, saying that they make him feel weird.



    I feel like that something bad will have to happen before the light bulb goes off that he needs to change..


    I am 5'9" and weight 165 pounds. Could I stand to loose a few pounds, yes, but I am active, I walk and don't eat all of the junk foods like he does...

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I would be more concerned about if he is going to have a heart attack. Has he seen a doctor recently? He needs to have a check up and have his heart looked at as well as be checked for diabetes and his cholesterol level.

    This isn't about sex, or him trying to impress you or how he looks or even how either of your social life is, this is about whether he's going to be alive next year or not.

    I'm not kidding.

    Get to the doctors as soon as you can. After the doctor does these tests, I am sure it will be a wake up call to you both.

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