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I'm losing my attraction to my husband cause of his weight


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We have been married for almost 40 years. He is so good to me and I love him. But he doesn't take care of himself at all and had gained so much weight. he is now at about 350 pounds. He eats all of the time. Sometimes he says he eats out of boredom.

 

I have tried everything from cooking healthy to encouraging exercise, to telling him he needs bigger clothes cause I'm tired of seeing his gut hanging out of his shirt.. This has been going on for many years. He gets big and then loses some weight then balloons up again. Doctors have told him he needs a lifestyle change and he says no...

 

 

He choses to not have a social life or friends. He likes to watch tv all of the time. I do things with my friends a lot and get bored with tv.

 

 

I cringe at the thought of being intimate with him anymore. He is so big and I am turned off by it.

 

 

I know some here will think I am awful for feeling this way cause marriage is for better or worse, sickness and in health, and all that. but I just don't know if I can do this anymore.

 

 

We are pushing 60 and retirement soon. I had hopes for us to live an active retirement life but now I don't know.

 

Thanks for listening.. :(

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Honestly, 350 pounds at 60 years old... I'd be more concerned about him making it to 61 than you not wanting him to boink you.

 

It'd be a different story if you two were in your 30s, as unhealthy as his condition would still be. There's at least still be some time for pleasantries. I'm not saying you gotta come down on him and call him names, but he's in a very dangerous predicament and unfortunately is subjecting you to all the emotional turmoil which comes with it. It's difficult to discern how best to balance assertiveness with caring, but a professional mediator such as a marital counselor could help sensitively broach the issue. Have you tried approaching it as an issue of being afraid you'll be retiring alone rather than telling him to get bigger clothes and calling him out on his gut?

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Has he been evaluated for depression? It kind of sounds like it and like it's been going on for years already. The loss of interest in life, friends, social activities, physical activities, etc, etc, etc. From your description, it just sounds like something more is going on with him than being fat and lazy so to speak. Will he go to a doctor and you might need to talk to the doctor yourself about what's going on, especially if he wasn't like this before. He might not be telling the doctors anything to clue them in more. Keep in mind also that your efforts to cook healthy and passive aggressive jibes about his weight and his gut hanging out might well be having the opposite effect of what you want - driving him deeper into depression and helplessness. He is not stupid, he hears you and he knows what you are getting at but when someone already feels low and depressed, this kind of behavior isn't going to motivate them, it will only sink them lower and lower.

 

I get your frustration, but maybe try a different approach. If this has been going on for several years, then it's likely clinical, meaning he needs medical intervention and not just a simple change of lifestyle that would work for someone who is just mildly depressed. Well, he needs both, but it might need to start with medical in this case. I'd explore that path if you are able and he is willing to go see a doctor and follow through with a referral to a psychiatrist.

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Sorry to hear this. He's gone to doctors so he knows he has a lot of health risks with this. Does he already have some issues because of it such as diabetes, high blood pressure, etc? You may think you are helping by pleading about his health or "cooking healthy to encouraging exercise, to telling him he needs bigger clothes", but in fact you are nagging him. And as you've seen not only doesn't it help it creates a further rift.

 

It's understandable that it is distressing to watch someone self destruct. However just pull back on all the tips and concerns. He may or not do anything about it, but it's not up to you.

But he doesn't take care of himself at all and had gained so much weight. he is now at about 350 pounds. He eats all of the time. Sometimes he says he eats out of boredom.
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and how has your weight been in 30 years? are you the same weight as back then?

as far as inspiring him to be active.. don’t just complain to him and tell him what’s wrong... come up with a solution and ideas - not that YOU LIKE - but that he can get into.

 

i can tell you that what finally made me stop quit smoking and get on a healthy program and lose weight was NOT everybody telling me how bad cigarettes were or what would happen to me if i didnt’ stop smoking or lose weight blah blah blah. that NEVER works.

 

what worked is when somebody finally explained to me how it worked, why i was addicted, and gave me the tools and path on how to be SUCCESSFUL with weight loss and quitting smoking that I ENJOYED! so that’s how you got to inspire him.

 

it is quite legitimate, though, that if you’re being reasonable about this (and have taken care of yourself to be desirable to him) and he’s just not going to be inspired to take care of himself after plenty of reasonable and workable/enjoyable solutions have been presented to him and he just refuses to. That’s HIS prerogative (as is your prerogative to end it).

 

Good luck.

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For better for worse.

 

Personally, I think partners have a responsibility to each other and the marriage to nurture their relationship. And by doing so you work on engaging in mutual interests and maintaining a mutually satisfying sex life. Along with that you work on maintaining a certain level of attraction to each other, physically and emotionally. Granted, with age there are some things that are out of our control. But these are things he has control over, he just chooses not to. This is not fair to you.

 

I don't believe the wording `worse' in your vows means you need to tolerate negligence or abuse (not there is abuse here) You have every right to feel the way you do.

 

His eating is very much that of an addictive behavior. If he was addicted to drugs, would you feel differently?

 

Having said all that, I don't have any really good advise on how to change this.

 

I totally understand you wanting the best for your husband and watching him possibly cut his life short by sheer laziness and neglect would upset me as well. I am pretty sure that's not what you signed up for.

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You are not a terrible person.

 

Wanting to be attracted to the man you have been with 40 years is not selfish, it is human nature. You love him and want to be close but he has chosen beer, chip and TV over you.

 

Have you told him his weight has made him less attractive to you?

 

It sounds like he had become super complacent and figures you will stick with him no matter what so why change? Believe it or not this comes up around here a lot and it is always a tough one.

 

All you can do is talk to him about your feelings and see how he reacts. It may be better to write them down so he can read and re-read them. Then sit down and talk about your future together. What he sees the next 20 years being like and what you would like the next 20 year to be. If they are to far apart you have some serious thinking to do.

 

There are few options if he will not get he weight under control:

 

Divorce

Open marriage (for intimacy)

Separate lives but still married which includes dating other people

He loses enough weight to recommit to you and the marriage

 

Lost

 

PS I find it interesting how many men that will not get in better shape during their marriage lose all kinds of weight and get in shape after the divorce.

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I have talked to him about it many times, and as of late, he tells me that he will start a diet at the first of the new year....which consists of him starving himself and eating only one small meal a day then he designates one day a week to eat what ever he wants...That is not a diet or a life change. To me that is havoc to the body......He has been talked to about depression and even given medication to take. (several times)…. After a little while on the meds he stops them, saying that they make him feel weird.

 

 

 

I feel like that something bad will have to happen before the light bulb goes off that he needs to change..

 

 

I am 5'9" and weight 165 pounds. Could I stand to loose a few pounds, yes, but I am active, I walk and don't eat all of the junk foods like he does...

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I would be more concerned about if he is going to have a heart attack. Has he seen a doctor recently? He needs to have a check up and have his heart looked at as well as be checked for diabetes and his cholesterol level.

 

This isn't about sex, or him trying to impress you or how he looks or even how either of your social life is, this is about whether he's going to be alive next year or not.

 

I'm not kidding.

 

Get to the doctors as soon as you can. After the doctor does these tests, I am sure it will be a wake up call to you both.

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I would be more concerned about if he is going to have a heart attack. Has he seen a doctor recently? He needs to have a check up and have his heart looked at as well as be checked for diabetes and his cholesterol level.

 

This isn't about sex, or him trying to impress you or how he looks or even how either of your social life is, this is about whether he's going to be alive next year or not.

 

I'm not kidding.

 

Get to the doctors as soon as you can. After the doctor does these tests, I am sure it will be a wake up call to you both.

 

He sees a doctor for a yearly check up, blood work, etc and also goes whenever he gets sick, etc. He does not avoid the doctor for any reason. I know they talk about it to him, but like me, after a while, a person gets tired of repeating the same thing over and over, with no response.

 

 

I know it isn't about sex.....and yes his health concerns me everyday. I see couples (our age or older), that are active and seem happy and full of life and I would like to have that with him, not just have that by myself….

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Is he willing to try marriage counselling?

 

I just see this as being a deeper issue than weight. Both of you have lost the connection with one another. You are not compatible at this point.

 

He has to be willing to either seek counselling with you so you both can see the issues and fix them together or try and sort it out at home, again together.

 

If he's not willing then your resentment will continue to grow and nothing will get better.

 

It takes two to make a marriage work. He is either willing or he's not.

 

Of course at the same time, he might be happy with how things are and you will just have to accept it or leave him.

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He sees a doctor for a yearly check up, blood work, etc and also goes whenever he gets sick, etc. He does not avoid the doctor for any reason. I know they talk about it to him, but like me, after a while, a person gets tired of repeating the same thing over and over, with no response.

 

 

I know it isn't about sex.....and yes his health concerns me everyday. I see couples (our age or older), that are active and seem happy and full of life and I would like to have that with him, not just have that by myself….

 

Thank you for all of the replies. I came here as a newby to vent and feeling terrible about how negative I feel towards him. I'm just tired.....I don't even enjoy cooking anymore cause he makes such a big deal about food and how its made and what he eats and when he eats.

 

Have you actually just told him all of the above? How you really feel, how upset and depressed and hopeless yourself? To the point where you are contemplating leaving him? It might be the thing that finally jolts him.

 

On a side note, what he proposes as a diet is a disaster as you well know yourself. Not only does this kind of stuff not work, but it will make him fatter as it will mess up his metabolism even worse than it already probably is.

 

I don't know. Maybe he needs an intervention of sorts, from you and family and friends and a doctor.

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There are few options if he will not get he weight under control:

 

Divorce

Open marriage (for intimacy)

Separate lives but still married which includes dating other people

He loses enough weight to recommit to you and the marriage

 

Lost

 

PS I find it interesting how many men that will not get in better shape during their marriage lose all kinds of weight and get in shape after the divorce.

 

 

I am amazed that you would list divorce as a # 1 choice for someone who has changed physically (and likely the result of depression).

That seems a bit harsh to me.

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Thank you for all of the replies. I came here as a newby to vent and feeling terrible about how negative I feel towards him. I'm just tired.....I don't even enjoy cooking anymore cause he makes such a big deal about food and how its made and what he eats and when he eats.

 

At that weight, he is morbidly obese. His life is inevitably going to be shortened by his weight alone. At 60, it will be sooner rather than later. You're going to end up a widow, if this keeps up. It actually sounds like you may be his enabler, if you buy and cook his (or the household) food, even at all. The first step you should do is go see a professional psychiatrist about this issue and how to bring it up to your husband in a manner that will help him listen.

 

The second step is to stop the enabling. Consult a nutritionist. Buy and cook only healthy foods from their plan. Absolutely no pleasure foods. If your husband wants those foods, he has to get it himself. This alone could help his weight gain slow. You need to change your lifestyle in turn to promote his own health. If you don't already exercise, then I suggest to get a family membership. Go regularly yourself, and ask him to come join you. Do not criticize, shame, or guilt him into going. I'm not saying you do, but sometimes this can be unintentional. Also good to bring up with a professional, concerning your approach.

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I've been married almost 10 years. My husband has always been either slim or could lose a few pounds. His mother was morbidly obese so there is a genetic issue there. He started putting on a bit too much weight early in our marriage. It was not about attraction for me at all -I was concerned about his health. I made a comment that involved a suggestion about exercise- he used to do brisk walking regularly and I exercise regularly (daily) so I probably suggested he try brisk walking again which he'd stopped doing. He disliked even that one comment as apparently it reminded him of his mother. So I never said anything again.

 

About 4 years later his doctor told him he was pre-diabetic (no, he did not gain much more weight -maybe 5-10 pounds at most) and that is when he decided to start exercising regularly again. I said nothing (other than "that's good" or something positive/neutral). He started asking me on certain days whether he should skip the exercise -if he really didn't feel well for example. He knows I have to be really sick to skip but I told him "don't do what I do - do what's best for you and if your body needs a rest, it's fine". So once I stepped back he started seeking my input. He is not slim now but he definitely lost some of the extra weight. I try to look the other way when I see him eating too much junk food -because he is reasonably healthy. It's hard though sometimes so I can relate.

 

I would see if he'd be open to lap band surgery. My friend and her husband had that surgery but his didn't work out well (hers did). Then he had another kind of surgery and lost at least 100 pounds. I believe he is keeping it off (he is in his late 30s or 40 maybe). She lost a lot of weight via lap band plus one of those shakes based diets. I don't think just dieting will help your husband at this point but I'm not a medical professional.

 

I'm sorry this is happening and I can understand why you'd be turned off.

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At that weight, he is morbidly obese. His life is inevitably going to be shortened by his weight alone. At 60, it will be sooner rather than later. You're going to end up a widow, if this keeps up. It actually sounds like you may be his enabler, if you buy and cook his (or the household) food, even at all. The first step you should do is go see a professional psychiatrist about this issue and how to bring it up to your husband in a manner that will help him listen.

 

The second step is to stop the enabling. Consult a nutritionist. Buy and cook only healthy foods from their plan. Absolutely no pleasure foods. If your husband wants those foods, he has to get it himself. This alone could help his weight gain slow. You need to change your lifestyle in turn to promote his own health. If you don't already exercise, then I suggest to get a family membership. Go regularly yourself, and ask him to come join you. Do not criticize, shame, or guilt him into going. I'm not saying you do, but sometimes this can be unintentional. Also good to bring up with a professional, concerning your approach.

 

At one of his doctor visits I was at with him, the doctor asked him if he would talk to a nutritionist so we spend about an hour with her and she gave us several good recipe ideas and information to get on a good road. When we got home I told him I was gonna make a grocery list of items and we can do this together. He then told me he wasn't gonna change his eating habits. He went to see the nutritionist with his mind already made up. It was a waste of time.

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at 165, you are in a normal BMI range -- at the upper end, but not obese by any stretch -- so yes, you have room to talk.

 

gastro surgery - they won't do it unless someone is an active participant - they will stick to a restricted diet after the surgery. doesn't sound like he will. He will initially lose weight and will be back up within the year.

 

Has anything happened in the last few years -- forced to take early retirement, etc? Has he always just wanted to watch tv, etc? was he a social butterfly before? When did you notice the change?

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At one of his doctor visits I was at with him, the doctor asked him if he would talk to a nutritionist so we spend about an hour with her and she gave us several good recipe ideas and information to get on a good road. When we got home I told him I was gonna make a grocery list of items and we can do this together. He then told me he wasn't gonna change his eating habits. He went to see the nutritionist with his mind already made up. It was a waste of time.

 

No, YOU see a nutritionist and YOU make the changes for YOU. Since you already saw a nutritionist, then that's one less step. You cannot control him, only he can, but you can serve as his inspiration/motivation in order to change and stop any of your enabling behavior. I repeat, do not make him any single thing that's unhealthy and do not buy any unhealthy foods at all. Make a healthy dinner for the both of you religiously every day, enough for two. If he doesn't eat it, then he has to fend for himself. If he has to work harder to get his fix, then he will have a harder time gaining weight.

 

However, if you do not implement a health orientated lifestyle, then he will have an easier time packing on the pounds and will get even bigger. At that point, his mobility could get affected more if you do even the simplest of tasks for him, including you doing the majority of chores. A self defeating attitude does not help him. You can be what he needs.

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Despite being incredibly active in my teenage years and had the chance of a promising sporting career, I lived most of my adult years being obese (100lbs over weight)

 

Everything changed when my fiancée had an affair at age 22, with my best friend (it wasnt the first time, but it hit me the hardest). I stayed with her as she was pregnant and the baby was my biological child.

 

I lost my motivation for life, started comfort eating and really didn't care how I looked. My now ex's serial cheating didn't help my situation either.

 

It took a huge shock to change my outlook on life. I discovered her having yet another affair (exit) at age 40 and finally knew it was time to change my life and move on.

 

I kicked her out and started a shake diet and daily exercise. The weight fell off.... I lost 103lbs in a little over 4.5 months.

 

The difference in my confidence and personality was amazing. I became out going and embraced life. I went over a year without watching TV, eating junk food or sitting on my butt for hours on end. I started sport again and 6 months after losing weight I run a half marathon.

 

I spent the next 4 years trying new things, travelling, dating and making up for all experiences I missed out on in my 20's. I'd been with one woman since age 14 and now at 42, I've dated well over 10 wonderful women, searching for my one true love.

 

My children met their real father for the first time.... The father they should have always had. They used to call me "Grandpa", now I'm the cool dad who wears skinny jeans and acts like a crazy teenager.

 

My situation is a lot different than yours, but I was very similar to your husband. Despite the issues with my ex, I had become comfortable. I didn't care about myself or how my weight was effecting the ones I loved (my children, I really didn't care what my ex though. Being a 10 time cheater killed any feelings I had)

 

Like me your husband is only going to change when he's faced with a big life change. No amount of nagging, begging or discussing the situation will make one bit of difference.

 

You need to shock him into action. My suggestion would be to tell him, you no longer find him attractive, you don't want to watch him slowly killing himself, so he has a year to drop at least 150 lbs or you will be initiating divorce. Hopefully he realizes what he has to lose by not changing ways. If he doesn't go into panic mode instantly, he's probably a lost cause.

 

Don't be scared to leave if you're not happy. There are so many wonderful single / divorced people out there, who have a passion for life and are looking for someone like you. You only have one life, why live your twilight years being miserable with someone who doesn't care for themselves, let alone you.

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Well he didn't get this way overnight so this has been a long standing problem. Doctors can advise him but no one can force him. Sadly you have both entered a vicious cycle of nag-resist. There's a lot more wrong with this marriage than his weight. You know it and he knows it.

 

You can nag and point fingers at him and his weight all day every day, but making an appointment with a marriage counselor to discuss some issues in general would be a lot more productive in both your and his communication and satisfaction.

He sees a doctor for a yearly check up, blood work, etc and also goes whenever he gets sick, etc. He does not avoid the doctor for any reason. I see couples (our age or older), that are active and seem happy and full of life and I would like to have that with him, not just have that by myself….
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You know you can only control your actions and must accept that. But you can make your feelings known as you have been doing but at some point you will need to decide enough is enough and you do not want to spend the next 20 years living like this.

 

I am still curious what he thinks is a fulfilling life will be like for the next 20 years. Sitting on the couch watching TV? No traveling? No mutual interests? No quality time together?

 

What do you think would happen if you stopped buying and preparing food that is not healthy? Would he buy and prepare it himself? or just order a pizza?

 

Of course his health is in danger but I see the health of your marriage in more serious danger. How long before you totally check out and give up? Then what?

 

These situations are so tough because you have one person that cares and one that does not and feels there is no problem.

 

Keep posting, it will help.

 

Lost

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You know you can only control your actions and must accept that. But you can make your feelings known as you have been doing but at some point you will need to decide enough is enough and you do not want to spend the next 20 years living like this.

 

I am still curious what he thinks is a fulfilling life will be like for the next 20 years. Sitting on the couch watching TV? No traveling? No mutual interests? No quality time together?

 

What do you think would happen if you stopped buying and preparing food that is not healthy? Would he buy and prepare it himself? or just order a pizza?

 

Of course his health is in danger but I see the health of your marriage in more serious danger. How long before you totally check out and give up? Then what?

 

These situations are so tough because you have one person that cares and one that does not and feels there is no problem.

 

Keep posting, it will help.

 

Lost

 

Yes, I can only control my actions. I brought his weight issue up yesterday and he got all defensive, which I expected. Would he buy unhealthy foods, yes he would. Does it matter to him that he is so heavy? Sometimes he seems miserable and sometimes he is happy like he is.

We went to lunch yesterday. I ate grilled chicken and a salad with a small amount of dressing on the side. He ate fried fish and french fries, and then went and bought 2 pints size containers of ice cream and 2 dozen donuts. so when we got home he later ate a pint of ice cream and 10 donuts before he went to bed.

 

 

And yes our situation is so tough. Do I stay or do I go? It is a heavy concern to carry. :upset:

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Despite being incredibly active in my teenage years and had the chance of a promising sporting career, I lived most of my adult years being obese (100lbs over weight)

 

Everything changed when my fiancée had an affair at age 22, with my best friend (it wasnt the first time, but it hit me the hardest). I stayed with her as she was pregnant and the baby was my biological child.

 

I lost my motivation for life, started comfort eating and really didn't care how I looked. My now ex's serial cheating didn't help my situation either.

 

It took a huge shock to change my outlook on life. I discovered her having yet another affair (exit) at age 40 and finally knew it was time to change my life and move on.

 

I kicked her out and started a shake diet and daily exercise. The weight fell off.... I lost 103lbs in a little over 4.5 months.

 

The difference in my confidence and personality was amazing. I became out going and embraced life. I went over a year without watching TV, eating junk food or sitting on my butt for hours on end. I started sport again and 6 months after losing weight I run a half marathon.

 

I spent the next 4 years trying new things, travelling, dating and making up for all experiences I missed out on in my 20's. I'd been with one woman since age 14 and now at 42, I've dated well over 10 wonderful women, searching for my one true love.

 

My children met their real father for the first time.... The father they should have always had. They used to call me "Grandpa", now I'm the cool dad who wears skinny jeans and acts like a crazy teenager.

 

My situation is a lot different than yours, but I was very similar to your husband. Despite the issues with my ex, I had become comfortable. I didn't care about myself or how my weight was effecting the ones I loved (my children, I really didn't care what my ex though. Being a 10 time cheater killed any feelings I had)

 

Like me your husband is only going to change when he's faced with a big life change. No amount of nagging, begging or discussing the situation will make one bit of difference.

 

You need to shock him into action. My suggestion would be to tell him, you no longer find him attractive, you don't want to watch him slowly killing himself, so he has a year to drop at least 150 lbs or you will be initiating divorce. Hopefully he realizes what he has to lose by not changing ways. If he doesn't go into panic mode instantly, he's probably a lost cause.

 

Don't be scared to leave if you're not happy. There are so many wonderful single / divorced people out there, who have a passion for life and are looking for someone like you. You only have one life, why live your twilight years being miserable with someone who doesn't care for themselves, let alone you.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. I do truly believe something bad will have to happen to him before he changes his way.

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