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Thread: I'm losing my attraction to my husband cause of his weight

  1. #21
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    Despite being incredibly active in my teenage years and had the chance of a promising sporting career, I lived most of my adult years being obese (100lbs over weight)

    Everything changed when my fiancée had an affair at age 22, with my best friend (it wasnt the first time, but it hit me the hardest). I stayed with her as she was pregnant and the baby was my biological child.

    I lost my motivation for life, started comfort eating and really didn't care how I looked. My now ex's serial cheating didn't help my situation either.

    It took a huge shock to change my outlook on life. I discovered her having yet another affair (exit) at age 40 and finally knew it was time to change my life and move on.

    I kicked her out and started a shake diet and daily exercise. The weight fell off.... I lost 103lbs in a little over 4.5 months.

    The difference in my confidence and personality was amazing. I became out going and embraced life. I went over a year without watching TV, eating junk food or sitting on my butt for hours on end. I started sport again and 6 months after losing weight I run a half marathon.

    I spent the next 4 years trying new things, travelling, dating and making up for all experiences I missed out on in my 20's. I'd been with one woman since age 14 and now at 42, I've dated well over 10 wonderful women, searching for my one true love.

    My children met their real father for the first time.... The father they should have always had. They used to call me "Grandpa", now I'm the cool dad who wears skinny jeans and acts like a crazy teenager.

    My situation is a lot different than yours, but I was very similar to your husband. Despite the issues with my ex, I had become comfortable. I didn't care about myself or how my weight was effecting the ones I loved (my children, I really didn't care what my ex though. Being a 10 time cheater killed any feelings I had)

    Like me your husband is only going to change when he's faced with a big life change. No amount of nagging, begging or discussing the situation will make one bit of difference.

    You need to shock him into action. My suggestion would be to tell him, you no longer find him attractive, you don't want to watch him slowly killing himself, so he has a year to drop at least 150 lbs or you will be initiating divorce. Hopefully he realizes what he has to lose by not changing ways. If he doesn't go into panic mode instantly, he's probably a lost cause.

    Don't be scared to leave if you're not happy. There are so many wonderful single / divorced people out there, who have a passion for life and are looking for someone like you. You only have one life, why live your twilight years being miserable with someone who doesn't care for themselves, let alone you.
    Last edited by Matt0050; 12-01-2018 at 05:08 AM.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Well he didn't get this way overnight so this has been a long standing problem. Doctors can advise him but no one can force him. Sadly you have both entered a vicious cycle of nag-resist. There's a lot more wrong with this marriage than his weight. You know it and he knows it.

    You can nag and point fingers at him and his weight all day every day, but making an appointment with a marriage counselor to discuss some issues in general would be a lot more productive in both your and his communication and satisfaction.
    Originally Posted by boardwalk
    He sees a doctor for a yearly check up, blood work, etc and also goes whenever he gets sick, etc. He does not avoid the doctor for any reason. I see couples (our age or older), that are active and seem happy and full of life and I would like to have that with him, not just have that by myself….

  3. #23
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    You know you can only control your actions and must accept that. But you can make your feelings known as you have been doing but at some point you will need to decide enough is enough and you do not want to spend the next 20 years living like this.

    I am still curious what he thinks is a fulfilling life will be like for the next 20 years. Sitting on the couch watching TV? No traveling? No mutual interests? No quality time together?

    What do you think would happen if you stopped buying and preparing food that is not healthy? Would he buy and prepare it himself? or just order a pizza?

    Of course his health is in danger but I see the health of your marriage in more serious danger. How long before you totally check out and give up? Then what?

    These situations are so tough because you have one person that cares and one that does not and feels there is no problem.

    Keep posting, it will help.

    Lost

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    You know you can only control your actions and must accept that. But you can make your feelings known as you have been doing but at some point you will need to decide enough is enough and you do not want to spend the next 20 years living like this.

    I am still curious what he thinks is a fulfilling life will be like for the next 20 years. Sitting on the couch watching TV? No traveling? No mutual interests? No quality time together?

    What do you think would happen if you stopped buying and preparing food that is not healthy? Would he buy and prepare it himself? or just order a pizza?

    Of course his health is in danger but I see the health of your marriage in more serious danger. How long before you totally check out and give up? Then what?

    These situations are so tough because you have one person that cares and one that does not and feels there is no problem.

    Keep posting, it will help.

    Lost
    Yes, I can only control my actions. I brought his weight issue up yesterday and he got all defensive, which I expected. Would he buy unhealthy foods, yes he would. Does it matter to him that he is so heavy? Sometimes he seems miserable and sometimes he is happy like he is.
    We went to lunch yesterday. I ate grilled chicken and a salad with a small amount of dressing on the side. He ate fried fish and french fries, and then went and bought 2 pints size containers of ice cream and 2 dozen donuts. so when we got home he later ate a pint of ice cream and 10 donuts before he went to bed.


    And yes our situation is so tough. Do I stay or do I go? It is a heavy concern to carry.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Matt0050
    Despite being incredibly active in my teenage years and had the chance of a promising sporting career, I lived most of my adult years being obese (100lbs over weight)

    Everything changed when my fiancée had an affair at age 22, with my best friend (it wasnt the first time, but it hit me the hardest). I stayed with her as she was pregnant and the baby was my biological child.

    I lost my motivation for life, started comfort eating and really didn't care how I looked. My now ex's serial cheating didn't help my situation either.

    It took a huge shock to change my outlook on life. I discovered her having yet another affair (exit) at age 40 and finally knew it was time to change my life and move on.

    I kicked her out and started a shake diet and daily exercise. The weight fell off.... I lost 103lbs in a little over 4.5 months.

    The difference in my confidence and personality was amazing. I became out going and embraced life. I went over a year without watching TV, eating junk food or sitting on my butt for hours on end. I started sport again and 6 months after losing weight I run a half marathon.

    I spent the next 4 years trying new things, travelling, dating and making up for all experiences I missed out on in my 20's. I'd been with one woman since age 14 and now at 42, I've dated well over 10 wonderful women, searching for my one true love.

    My children met their real father for the first time.... The father they should have always had. They used to call me "Grandpa", now I'm the cool dad who wears skinny jeans and acts like a crazy teenager.

    My situation is a lot different than yours, but I was very similar to your husband. Despite the issues with my ex, I had become comfortable. I didn't care about myself or how my weight was effecting the ones I loved (my children, I really didn't care what my ex though. Being a 10 time cheater killed any feelings I had)

    Like me your husband is only going to change when he's faced with a big life change. No amount of nagging, begging or discussing the situation will make one bit of difference.

    You need to shock him into action. My suggestion would be to tell him, you no longer find him attractive, you don't want to watch him slowly killing himself, so he has a year to drop at least 150 lbs or you will be initiating divorce. Hopefully he realizes what he has to lose by not changing ways. If he doesn't go into panic mode instantly, he's probably a lost cause.

    Don't be scared to leave if you're not happy. There are so many wonderful single / divorced people out there, who have a passion for life and are looking for someone like you. You only have one life, why live your twilight years being miserable with someone who doesn't care for themselves, let alone you.
    Thank you for sharing your story. I do truly believe something bad will have to happen to him before he changes his way.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    True. There are people who get into this place of withdrawal, inertia, apathy and complacency and need a bomb under their butts to get motivated.💣

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    True. There are people who get into this place of withdrawal, inertia, apathy and complacency and need a bomb under their butts to get motivated.💣
    I knew someone who was 500 lbs and they told him he would die if he didn't stop eating. He said "i won't stop eating. I like it". BTW< he's dead now. His legs kept breaking from the weight and he didn't care.

    I think that leading by example is not working.
    I think its time for drastic measures.
    Its time to get tough.
    I would not go to places where its a buffet, or you order in line/where the food comes unlimitedly.

    I would give him an ultimatum. I would tell him that if he wants to eat himself to death, then that's his choice. He is welcome to get as fat as he wants to. But you won't stand by and watch him do it.
    If he starts ordering 20 desserts at a restaurant, you walk out. If he wants your dinner company, you are not going to reward the behavior. No negotiating. Hopefully after the first 10 times you strand him, he has to come find you browsing in a shop next to the restaurant or that you drive separate and he is sitting there alone with his pie, he might take notice. I would bring no junk food home and if he does, dump it.
    I might go as far as to tell him "well, you have a choice. doing nothing but eating all day or being married. I am going on a girls' trip this week. When i come back, maybe you will think of what you want during that time".

  9. #28
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I would not go to places where its a buffet, or you order in line/where the food comes unlimitedly.

    I would give him an ultimatum. I would tell him that if he wants to eat himself to death, then that's his choice. He is welcome to get as fat as he wants to. But you won't stand by and watch him do it.
    If he starts ordering 20 desserts at a restaurant, you walk out. If he wants your dinner company, you are not going to reward the behavior. No negotiating. Hopefully after the first 10 times you strand him, he has to come find you browsing in a shop next to the restaurant or that you drive separate and he is sitting there alone with his pie, he might take notice. I would bring no junk food home and if he does, dump it.
    .
    I agree to a point.
    It's much like hiding the alcohol from an alcoholic. It doesn't address the disease.

    I agree that she should refuse to be a party in it, but navigating things so they are out of his reach sounds pretty pointless.
    It makes her the gate keeper to a grown man who will ultimately make his own choices.

    Somehow he needs the motivation to make better choices.
    Hiding the donuts won't accomplish that.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I agree to a point.
    It's much like hiding the alcohol from an alcoholic. It doesn't address the disease.

    I agree that she should refuse to be a party in it, but navigating things so they are out of his reach sounds pretty pointless.
    It makes her the gate keeper to a grown man who will ultimately make his own choices.

    Somehow he needs the motivation to make better choices.
    Hiding the donuts won't accomplish that.
    Maybe throwing things out is not the answer -- but the other part -- not purchasing junk food herself and not rewarding him with her company, etc, if it doesn't work - then it will at least be a boundary for herself.
    The doctor telling him that this was serious didn't mean anything. I am betting not being able to see his feet is not a motivator either. Maybe the lack of her presence will motivate him.
    That he learns that if he wants her company, he can't gorge himself in front of her. And she might be gone forever if he doesn't care. There are some stakes there.

    I don't think she answered me if he was recently laid off or some other change like that unless i missed some posts - but if there was no emotionally traumatic event, it seems that nothing else will motivate him. If she becomes his caregiver in a few years - if he has a fall - she will be helpless to do anything and he'll be getting visits from the fire department regularly to hoist him up.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    All that ice cream and doughnuts before bed? Seriously?

    It is like he is throwing it in your face.

    This may sound harsh and I do agree with Wiseman that it may take drastic moves on your part to get his attention.

    So he is obviously going to continue getting bigger and closer to a heart attack or stroke (it really is a matter or when, not if he will have one) and then what?

    If he is happy like he is and you are miserable there are only a couple of options left. You now see you have zero control over his choices and all your efforts have gone in vain so now you need to consider the things you do have control over like staying or leaving.

    He is being extremely selfish and uncaring towards you.

    Lost

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