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Thread: I'm losing my attraction to my husband cause of his weight

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    I would be more concerned about if he is going to have a heart attack. Has he seen a doctor recently? He needs to have a check up and have his heart looked at as well as be checked for diabetes and his cholesterol level.

    This isn't about sex, or him trying to impress you or how he looks or even how either of your social life is, this is about whether he's going to be alive next year or not.

    I'm not kidding.

    Get to the doctors as soon as you can. After the doctor does these tests, I am sure it will be a wake up call to you both.
    He sees a doctor for a yearly check up, blood work, etc and also goes whenever he gets sick, etc. He does not avoid the doctor for any reason. I know they talk about it to him, but like me, after a while, a person gets tired of repeating the same thing over and over, with no response.


    I know it isn't about sex.....and yes his health concerns me everyday. I see couples (our age or older), that are active and seem happy and full of life and I would like to have that with him, not just have that by myself….

  2. #12
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    Thank you for all of the replies. I came here as a newby to vent and feeling terrible about how negative I feel towards him. I'm just tired.....I don't even enjoy cooking anymore cause he makes such a big deal about food and how its made and what he eats and when he eats.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Is he willing to try marriage counselling?

    I just see this as being a deeper issue than weight. Both of you have lost the connection with one another. You are not compatible at this point.

    He has to be willing to either seek counselling with you so you both can see the issues and fix them together or try and sort it out at home, again together.

    If he's not willing then your resentment will continue to grow and nothing will get better.

    It takes two to make a marriage work. He is either willing or he's not.

    Of course at the same time, he might be happy with how things are and you will just have to accept it or leave him.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by boardwalk
    He sees a doctor for a yearly check up, blood work, etc and also goes whenever he gets sick, etc. He does not avoid the doctor for any reason. I know they talk about it to him, but like me, after a while, a person gets tired of repeating the same thing over and over, with no response.


    I know it isn't about sex.....and yes his health concerns me everyday. I see couples (our age or older), that are active and seem happy and full of life and I would like to have that with him, not just have that by myself….
    Originally Posted by boardwalk
    Thank you for all of the replies. I came here as a newby to vent and feeling terrible about how negative I feel towards him. I'm just tired.....I don't even enjoy cooking anymore cause he makes such a big deal about food and how its made and what he eats and when he eats.
    Have you actually just told him all of the above? How you really feel, how upset and depressed and hopeless yourself? To the point where you are contemplating leaving him? It might be the thing that finally jolts him.

    On a side note, what he proposes as a diet is a disaster as you well know yourself. Not only does this kind of stuff not work, but it will make him fatter as it will mess up his metabolism even worse than it already probably is.

    I don't know. Maybe he needs an intervention of sorts, from you and family and friends and a doctor.

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  6. #15
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    There are few options if he will not get he weight under control:

    Divorce
    Open marriage (for intimacy)
    Separate lives but still married which includes dating other people
    He loses enough weight to recommit to you and the marriage

    Lost

    PS I find it interesting how many men that will not get in better shape during their marriage lose all kinds of weight and get in shape after the divorce.[/QUOTE]


    I am amazed that you would list divorce as a # 1 choice for someone who has changed physically (and likely the result of depression).
    That seems a bit harsh to me.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by boardwalk
    Thank you for all of the replies. I came here as a newby to vent and feeling terrible about how negative I feel towards him. I'm just tired.....I don't even enjoy cooking anymore cause he makes such a big deal about food and how its made and what he eats and when he eats.
    At that weight, he is morbidly obese. His life is inevitably going to be shortened by his weight alone. At 60, it will be sooner rather than later. You're going to end up a widow, if this keeps up. It actually sounds like you may be his enabler, if you buy and cook his (or the household) food, even at all. The first step you should do is go see a professional psychiatrist about this issue and how to bring it up to your husband in a manner that will help him listen.

    The second step is to stop the enabling. Consult a nutritionist. Buy and cook only healthy foods from their plan. Absolutely no pleasure foods. If your husband wants those foods, he has to get it himself. This alone could help his weight gain slow. You need to change your lifestyle in turn to promote his own health. If you don't already exercise, then I suggest to get a family membership. Go regularly yourself, and ask him to come join you. Do not criticize, shame, or guilt him into going. I'm not saying you do, but sometimes this can be unintentional. Also good to bring up with a professional, concerning your approach.

  8. #17
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    I've been married almost 10 years. My husband has always been either slim or could lose a few pounds. His mother was morbidly obese so there is a genetic issue there. He started putting on a bit too much weight early in our marriage. It was not about attraction for me at all -I was concerned about his health. I made a comment that involved a suggestion about exercise- he used to do brisk walking regularly and I exercise regularly (daily) so I probably suggested he try brisk walking again which he'd stopped doing. He disliked even that one comment as apparently it reminded him of his mother. So I never said anything again.

    About 4 years later his doctor told him he was pre-diabetic (no, he did not gain much more weight -maybe 5-10 pounds at most) and that is when he decided to start exercising regularly again. I said nothing (other than "that's good" or something positive/neutral). He started asking me on certain days whether he should skip the exercise -if he really didn't feel well for example. He knows I have to be really sick to skip but I told him "don't do what I do - do what's best for you and if your body needs a rest, it's fine". So once I stepped back he started seeking my input. He is not slim now but he definitely lost some of the extra weight. I try to look the other way when I see him eating too much junk food -because he is reasonably healthy. It's hard though sometimes so I can relate.

    I would see if he'd be open to lap band surgery. My friend and her husband had that surgery but his didn't work out well (hers did). Then he had another kind of surgery and lost at least 100 pounds. I believe he is keeping it off (he is in his late 30s or 40 maybe). She lost a lot of weight via lap band plus one of those shakes based diets. I don't think just dieting will help your husband at this point but I'm not a medical professional.

    I'm sorry this is happening and I can understand why you'd be turned off.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by yatsue
    At that weight, he is morbidly obese. His life is inevitably going to be shortened by his weight alone. At 60, it will be sooner rather than later. You're going to end up a widow, if this keeps up. It actually sounds like you may be his enabler, if you buy and cook his (or the household) food, even at all. The first step you should do is go see a professional psychiatrist about this issue and how to bring it up to your husband in a manner that will help him listen.

    The second step is to stop the enabling. Consult a nutritionist. Buy and cook only healthy foods from their plan. Absolutely no pleasure foods. If your husband wants those foods, he has to get it himself. This alone could help his weight gain slow. You need to change your lifestyle in turn to promote his own health. If you don't already exercise, then I suggest to get a family membership. Go regularly yourself, and ask him to come join you. Do not criticize, shame, or guilt him into going. I'm not saying you do, but sometimes this can be unintentional. Also good to bring up with a professional, concerning your approach.
    At one of his doctor visits I was at with him, the doctor asked him if he would talk to a nutritionist so we spend about an hour with her and she gave us several good recipe ideas and information to get on a good road. When we got home I told him I was gonna make a grocery list of items and we can do this together. He then told me he wasn't gonna change his eating habits. He went to see the nutritionist with his mind already made up. It was a waste of time.

  10. #19
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    at 165, you are in a normal BMI range -- at the upper end, but not obese by any stretch -- so yes, you have room to talk.

    gastro surgery - they won't do it unless someone is an active participant - they will stick to a restricted diet after the surgery. doesn't sound like he will. He will initially lose weight and will be back up within the year.

    Has anything happened in the last few years -- forced to take early retirement, etc? Has he always just wanted to watch tv, etc? was he a social butterfly before? When did you notice the change?

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by boardwalk
    At one of his doctor visits I was at with him, the doctor asked him if he would talk to a nutritionist so we spend about an hour with her and she gave us several good recipe ideas and information to get on a good road. When we got home I told him I was gonna make a grocery list of items and we can do this together. He then told me he wasn't gonna change his eating habits. He went to see the nutritionist with his mind already made up. It was a waste of time.
    No, YOU see a nutritionist and YOU make the changes for YOU. Since you already saw a nutritionist, then that's one less step. You cannot control him, only he can, but you can serve as his inspiration/motivation in order to change and stop any of your enabling behavior. I repeat, do not make him any single thing that's unhealthy and do not buy any unhealthy foods at all. Make a healthy dinner for the both of you religiously every day, enough for two. If he doesn't eat it, then he has to fend for himself. If he has to work harder to get his fix, then he will have a harder time gaining weight.

    However, if you do not implement a health orientated lifestyle, then he will have an easier time packing on the pounds and will get even bigger. At that point, his mobility could get affected more if you do even the simplest of tasks for him, including you doing the majority of chores. A self defeating attitude does not help him. You can be what he needs.

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