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Update about my SIL


Seraphim

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She called to apologize to my husband. They had a good conversation. She said she felt she should not have to ask for assistance. And he said he has NO problem with helping but please tell him what is needed. She said she has caregiver burnout. And he agreed, and it was affecting their relationship. He said he would be telling his mother they need to accept professional help and suck it up because their present tactic is ruining their kids relationship and burning out their daughter.

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Actually, and I have lived through this personally, this is a time when even if they won't listen you have to move forward with bringing in other people. We are supposed to honor our parents, not accommodate their every whim, and they need help. So they are going to have to work with their children instead of just insisting.

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That's good to hear. Glad she reached out! Hopefully his folks will listen.

I am sure they won’t . They are stubborn as #%>€€. His parents have been living on their own and doing things their own ways since they were like 15 . They will have to be forced into this decision . Who knows maybe her part of the plan is him forcing them and them getting mad at him .

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Actually, and I have lived through this personally, this is a time when even if they won't listen you have to move forward with bringing in other people. We are supposed to honor our parents, not accommodate their every whim, and they need help. So they are going to have to work with their children instead of just insisting.

 

I hope my MIL works with them but slim chance. And up until a few years ago my husband and his sister were treated like total morons by their parents . All their lives they were told ,”just sit there we know what we’re doing you don’t “ I was literally shoved out of my own door away once by her at one of my own dinner parties so SHE could say goodbye to my friends because she felt I was too stupid to do that . She actually physically shoved me out of my door away so SHE could play hostess .

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That's really fab news vic and sounds like it was all aired

 

I echo what arjumand said in a way ...you know this anyway , but I had to put my mum in a 24 hour care home , she joked all her life , * don't you put me in a home * , and there I was ...doing it ...It is frightening what old age can bring .

 

Anyway vic , so glad she called with an apology xx

Thanks ❤️

 

I think they are going to have to be forced into any common sense .

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That's really fab news vic and sounds like it was all aired

 

I echo what arjumand said in a way ...you know this anyway , but I had to put my mum in a 24 hour care home , she joked all her life , * don't you put me in a home * , and there I was ...doing it ...It is frightening what old age can bring .

 

Anyway vic , so glad she called with an apology xx

For sure . My mom says this too and jeebus I am literally only 20 years younger than my mom. I don’t know what she figures I will be able to do. PLUS she wants me to adopt my great nephew. And he won’t be grown up until I am in my 70’s. And my knees are already gone and need replacement and I am only 52. My knee pain as I full decade ahead of when she had hers. So......

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She called to apologize to my husband. ... He said he would be telling his mother they need to accept professional help and suck it up because their present tactic is ruining their kids relationship and burning out their daughter.

 

Glad to hear this. When he said "he would be telling...", what does that mean? Did he suggest SIL tell them this, or will he tell them himself?

 

I'm guessing that this means it was not SIL who's been resistant to receiving help, but rather the parents?

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Glad to hear this. When he said "he would be telling...", what does that mean? Did he suggest SIL tell them this, or will he tell them himself?

 

I'm guessing that this means it was not SIL who's been resistant to receiving help, but rather the parents?

She was bemoaning to him that she had been talking to her parents about getting help and they keep saying yeah yeah yeah but never do a thing about it . My father-in-law doesn’t want anyone in his house that is not his family and unfortunately my mother-in-law will agree with anything he states . They have not had a person in their house that was not family in probably 40 years . My father-in-law will not tolerate it . And my mother-in-law is afraid that my father-in-law will get violent with any people who come to help . Especially in. his confused state . The last time he was in the hospital he was round house kicking nurses from the bed they had to sedate him into unconsciousness for five weeks . The rest of the time he had to be tied to the bed . He wants do what he wants when he wants and nobody’s going to tell him shyte. He had a flu that went to his brain and he was in the hospital for five weeks about six years ago . He got to that state because he refused to go to a doctor until he collapsed and my mother-in-law had to call an ambulance for him . Personally, we all think he has PTSD from living through the war as a kid . And I recognized his symptoms from having my own PTSD and my husband’s therapist pretty much agreed . Since my father-in-law thinks Mental Health is BS and now doesn’t have any state of mind to think about anything ..... Everything is pretty much up to my MIL. And she just says yeah yeah yeah yeah to your face because she doesn’t want confrontation and does what she wants after . All of this is leading to my sister-in-law being burnt out .

 

My husband said he would step in with his parents . And demand that they get help or he will start calling himself and that they are just going to have to tolerate help or they’re going to a home .

 

Personally, I think my mother-in-law stepped in and made my sister-in-law apologize my husband thinks that too. With a tinge of Gee we might be the only people she has left one her parents die . And well my husband will never consider her an enemy she knows that I would and that would get her absolutely nowhere with her brother . But he said he would go to bat for her with his mom . I think that’s the set up for them to be mad at him .

 

She also said she didn’t know what to do when I started to cry . She said she’s never seen me cry. And my husband told her that she very much hurt my feelings by attacking him because I love him very much .

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He sounds very conflict-avoidant. Wanting to say whatever he needs to say to appease his parents, to keep the peace. I know this puts you in a difficult position, I'm sorry to hear it.

 

Absolutely, he is . His mother is completely conflict avoidant and will tell you anything to avoid conflict . And he is much the same especially with them . But don’t forget he was completely emotionally battered by his parents so he just totally caves when they say anything . He’s not conflict avoidant with me but absolutely with them . But we have a true relationship with each other theirs is very fake .

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Absolutely, he is . His mother is completely conflict avoidant and will tell you anything to avoid conflict . And he is much the same especially with them . But don’t forget he was completely emotionally battered by his parents so he just totally caves when they say anything . He’s not conflict avoidant with me but absolutely with them . But we have a true relationship with each other theirs is very fake .

 

Right, so he'll say anything to them to keep the peace, to smooth everything over. He'll even be the "bad guy", just to keep family peace.

 

While I know it's annoying, it's actually him trying to make the best extended life for both you and your son, as any major conflict would affect your son's relationship with his grandparents.

 

Good for you for maintaining a relationship in which there is enough space for him to feel comfortable to raise issues and resolve them with you, in a normal manner. You are what he has needed his whole life, and I can see why you have such a successful marriage.

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Right, so he'll say anything to them to keep the peace, to smooth everything over. He'll even be the "bad guy", just to keep family peace.

 

While I know it's annoying, it's actually him trying to make the best extended life for both you and your son, as any major conflict would affect your son's relationship with his grandparents.

 

Good for you for maintaining a relationship in which there is enough space for him to feel comfortable to raise issues and resolve them with you, in a normal manner. You are what he has needed his whole life, and I can see why you have such a successful marriage.

 

Thanks LH.

 

Basically , his mom said a friend’s cousins brother’ Girlfriend’s cousin( sarcasm) cleaned houses and they might get her to help sometime. 🙄

 

Meanwhile, I am saying very loudly in the background, “ you guys need care and respite so your daughter can have a damned break. You are wearing her out.” And my husband was shushing me.

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Right, so he'll say anything to them to keep the peace, to smooth everything over. He'll even be the "bad guy", just to keep family peace.

 

While I know it's annoying, it's actually him trying to make the best extended life for both you and your son, as any major conflict would affect your son's relationship with his grandparents.

 

Good for you for maintaining a relationship in which there is enough space for him to feel comfortable to raise issues and resolve them with you, in a normal manner. You are what he has needed his whole life, and I can see why you have such a successful marriage.

 

Thanks LH.

 

Basically , his mom said a friend’s cousins brother’ Girlfriend’s cousin( sarcasm) cleaned houses and they might get her to help sometime. 🙄

 

Meanwhile, I am saying very loudly in the background, “ you guys need care and respite so your daughter can have a damned break. You are wearing her out.” And my husband was shushing me.

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