Grass is Greener on the Other Side

Hello enotalone community,

A lot of this is a rant, but please feel free attempt to read and respond.

I'm a 19 year old college student currently living with my boyfriend of two and a half years. First disclaimer, I constantly think about how young I am and how much left there is for me, and these thoughts are the basis for what I'm feeling right now. My boyfriend and I have become an inseparable pair, literally doing anything and everything together and I have never felt more comfortable or trusting towards another person, and the love I have for him surpasses any love I have for my family or my closest friends.

That being said, I am not one for strong emotions. I do not get attached or comfortable with others easily at all, in fact I have great difficulty making friends or connections with others because I am so emotionally detached. I don't even feel attached to my family all that much, the words "I love you" only come naturally and genuine when said to my boyfriend. The amount of dependency I feel toward my boyfriend scares me, especially since I feel so young and like things are getting too serious. I never think about getting married or having children, (I actually feel pretty negatively towards both of those life paths) yet this boy is someone I would easily settle for start a family with, if I had to.

The point of all of this is that even though I am so happy, and so in love with my boyfriend, I can't help but feel like I am wasting my life away staying with him. He treats me so nice, he helps with whatever I ask, we have a strong mutual understanding of our most intimate feelings and experiences, and there is nothing that I am afraid to tell him. Even the topic of this forum is something that I would willingly talk about with him if I didn't know that it would break his heart. But deep down I feel like I should be doing something else, meeting new people, living a different kind of life. I have a strange perspective of depression and hardship, I think life should be full of mishaps and agony. To be honest, I often think about the awful pain that would come with our breakup, and what kind of direction it would propell me in. But for some reason I think it need that pain, I need something to change in my life. It's all playing out in my head that he will ask me to marry him in a couple of years, because I know he will very soon if things keep going like this, but I don't want that. I never romantized long term relationships. I never imagined myself getting so serious. It's stupid because I would marry him, he would make a great husband and I love him, but I just don't want that.

I'm currently attending college but I'm not passionate about it. The main reasons I still go is because I like the busy work and I know that if I don't go then there will be nothing to motivate me to have a social life. I'm very introverted and constantly look forward to having time by myself, but being alone (which I often am in our apartment because we work opposite shifts) makes me depressed because I constantly think about how I'm slowly losing friendships because I don't care to put effort in them but I hate the process of making friends (I hate to say it but it just gives me too much anxiety). So I'm stuck in a loop of not wanting to spend time with anyone but also being unable to fufill my social needs.

My boyfriend does not attend college, he just works full time. He does not have many friends either, only hangs out with others when old pals come into town during holidays. He seems okay with it though, for some reason. He is totally content with spending all of his time with me. I don't want to sound full of myself but I know that I am his world. I'm so scared to break things off with him because I really don't know what he would do. I'm pretty sure he is planning his whole life around me and is not thinking about anything else, and in hypothetical conversations about us breaking up he "jokingly" makings comments about suicide or completing vanishing. And these remarks are not supposed to guilt me, I know that for sure. I think it's genuinely how he feels because honestly he does not have much going for him beyond our relationship and his job (that makes him sound like a loser, but he's not trust me). We both are active and have interests and I would like to think are not boring people, we have just fallen into a routine.

To be put bluntly I think I'm bored. I want to experience life differently, go through a difficult breakup (he is my first long term relationship) that turns my world upside down, be single and stupid, move in with some crappy roommates and force myself to make friends through hardship. I can't explain why I feel this way I just do. "The grass is greener on the other side" is I think where my mindset is wrong. Despite wanting all this change, I also have the fear that breaking things off when they are going so well will result in losing something I can never get back. Honestly my ideal, unattainable situation would be that I could put our relationship on hold while I run about in my 20s and discover myself and then come back to him when I'm ready to settle down. Is that so bad, or stupid?

I guess another detail is that I'm finding myself looking at other guys, and by that I mean one in particular. When I'm with my boyfriend, there's nothing I can focus on except him. I feel totally loyal, and compeletly in tune to our relationship. But I'm starting to notice another guy at work. It's almost like I have a friend crush on him, we just have similar interests and I honestly just think we would make good friends and I want to hang out with him and I want him to like me. But, then we throw in the fact that I find him very attractive. I haven't made any sort of move on these feelings, but it's always at the back of my mind and I'm getting those excited feelings that we all get when starting a new "love-interest". This has really propelled me into rethinking our future, and wondering what else is out there for me.

Anyways, if anyone has some advice, maybe a similar experience, I'd like to know. Have you felt those feelings of wanting to be single, did you act on it, did anything help?? I know that only I can decide what my priorities are, but this is something I cannot seem to wrap my head around.

Well, there are a lot of a-ha points in your post. First of all, on ENA, we've seen a lot of people who have been in relationships since high school get to the same point you're at realizing there is a lot more to the world that they're not experiencing. Also they find their taste in the opposite sex may be changing. That nice high school boy may not be interesting anymore as an adult or his interest may be diverging from yours, such as him wanting marriage and kids, and you not wanting those things. Also quite often another guy enters the picture, as with you.

Also, where you've been sort of introverted, I can see where you want to see more of what's out there. This is the most exciting time in your life. You're going to college, you're experiencing new things. Most people make lifelong friends of people at school, and if you're hidden away in an apartment, you're going to miss that, and it may hold you back for the rest of your life.

Also you've touched upon some troubling aspects of your relationship. You may be sensing your boyfriend has an emotional dependency on you. Perhaps he's too clingy and needy, and he's smothering you. You say he's not guilting you, but he is controlling you by his vague threat of suicide and how devastated he will be if you leave. There's a tinge of emotional abuse there.

Anyway, this is the time in life where many teenage romances break up and people move on into adult relationships. I wouldn't say it's a grass is greener scenario but more realizing that your needs and interests are changing but your boyfriend hasn't. I think at some point you're going to have to make the decision to move out.

But while you get the courage to do that, you should be getting out more, doing stuff at college. This is the time for holiday parties and making new friends. You have to start expanding your horizons rather than sitting at home. And everyone has gone through breakups and survived. Eventually both of you will realize it was for the best.

Why are you living together in what sounds like a suffocating controlling situation? By tying yourself down like this so early on you are depriving yourself of experiencing freedom and independence and are in fact "wasting your life away". Focus on your education and career development. Enjoy your life more by moving out, becoming more emotionally and financially independent and developing some interests outside of your bf. Join some clubs or groups or sports or volunteer. Talk to a college counselor about your education and career path. Focus on that rather than playing house.

 

I'm a 19 year old college student currently living with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have become an inseparable pair, literally doing anything and everything together. I can't help but feel like I am wasting my life away staying with him. we have just fallen into a routine. I'm starting to notice another guy at work.

My niece was ready to settle down at age 16 or earlier. Got married at 17, married 5 years with two kids now and happy as can be. I was engaged at 23 to a "good guy" and had the GIGS issue (we'd been dating a few years before getting engaged) - and broke the engagement, dated more of a "bad boy" type for a few years after that (even though I had the chance to get involved with another really good guy who I was attracted to, but not as much as "bad boy") and also made serious life changing career decisions that affected the rest of my life (I'm now 52 and a married mom) in a hugely positive way. Ending that early engagement was a great decision because he would not have wanted me to go to grad school - plan was for me to teach children and have babies - and I also was bored.

Here's the difference - I always wanted marriage and family - from teenage years on. Please be true to yourself and if that is not what you want right now and you don't see it in your future please please do not pressure yourself even a little bit to take that path. Certainly it's not fair to any children you might have. They deserve a mom who is 100% enthusiastic -at least 100% - about raising a child. It's hard, it's unpredictable, it's frustrating at times and I feel like I won the lottery and my heart is bursting and I can totally relate to someone else not enjoying it or embracing it if they weren't 100% into the idea -and practice! - of being a parent.

Let this guy find a woman who is like my niece and wants what he wants. There is no reason to experience a painful breakup. Break up amicably. And then be true to yourself and your path and your choices. You know you have plenty of time to decide whether you still do not want marriage and children. Plenty. I would not make the mistake of making potentially dangerous choices as a way to "experience" life - there are many many ways to experience life and take risks and have adventures and make mistakes without serious risk to your emotional or physical health. Have fun!

Social anxiety is a sort of depression. I know because I have it, although it was far worse in my younger years. The first thing I'd do in your shoes is to seek help for the depression. Even though I was shy, in junior college I joined the ski club and made friends with our shared interest and joining in on weekend trips for skiing. I'd join a club you'd like, but instead of going in with the goal of making friends which might not happen, just think of it as enjoying an interest surrounded by likeminded people.

I'd also have a discussion with your bf. I'd say living together at this point is too much at this point in your lives. I's suggest living apart and staying together for now. Explain to him he needs to expand his life beside you being the sole center of his universe because it's not a healthy balance, because yes, if you two breakup, he won't have the support system of friends, etc. and will be more devastated than a person who has a healthy balance of other things going on in his life. Not to say that if you feel the need to breakup that you shouldn't because of this. He has created this conundrum so he will have to deal with it the best he can.

Once you've spent some time in therapy and have lived apart from him, reassess your feelings. Even if you come to a place where you can see yourself with him for a lifetime, if your major goals don't match (marriage, children, and the timeline for doing these things) you should end things so that you both can meet people who do match in those important areas. Good luck.

Doesn't sound like grass is greener at all. In fact you sound exactly like you should be feeling at your age - ready to spread your wings and explore life as you should. It's part of maturing and growing up. What you are feeling in a way is a very normal healthy drive. In fact your desire for more, to come out of your shell more, to push yourself further is very very appropriate. You are literally maturing and growing as a person.

I don't think you should resist that and you really shouldn't be living with your bf at such a young age. Whenever I read threads like this I really want to call my parents and thank for their advice and heavy handed guidance to be independent in college and not get into a live in relationship so early. They were very much correct in that you miss out on life, on friendships, on personal growth and opportunities when you start playing house too soon. You have plenty of time for that later. College is the best time of your life where you are free, truly free to grow and discover yourself, to reach beyond what you think you are capable of, to stretch out and test your limits and surprise yourself with what you can do. You'll never have that time in life again, so don't waste it because the rest of your life will be paying bills, relationships, kids and shackles.

As for your bf, I have to echo another poster that his behavior sounds concerning. Anyone threatening you with suicide if you leave them is actually being abusive and manipulative. You are so young, you might not even be aware that there are serious issues with your bf and your relationship under the principal of it's the only thing you've known so far in life and your only experience.

Anyway, I think that you do need to let this relationship go and move on with exploring, having fun in college, finding your passions, doing more than what you are doing now. Your instincts aren't wrong and how you are feeling is spot on. Most importantly move on before your desire for more ends in you cheating on him. Just cut loose now. High school romances come with an expiration date. Yours is already past it.

Thanks for the replies, and listening to what has been said is of course things I have been thinking about. I know that eventually I will need to break it off and go my own way, but I just really don't know how to go about doing that.

We moved out of our parents because both of our households were slightly toxic. Not to the point where they were abusive, but his family was not financially stable and relied on his job to pay the bills (which was unfair because he could easily support himself, while they were picky with jobs and didn't want to help themselves), and I do not get along with my mother at all and I was ready to be independent from my family.

Where do I go when I break things off? I would feel awful leaving him alone with a lease on our apartment. The thought of finding other roommates that are safe and reliable is scary.

Don't use logistics as excuses. Make a list in order of how things need to be done. If the lease is broken you likely should pay the penalty for that. Today start looking for places where you could move to that are safe. Each day do something toward your goal. Give yourself a deadline by which you are going to end things. Don't use holidays as an excuse but of course it's understandable if you want to wait until the new year. But be ready by then with a plan to move out.

If your college has dorms or student housing, that would be the logical option. Depending on what city you're in, there are also studio apartments that you don't have to share. You can also find roommates through the college as well. Leases are usually for one year, and you could time your move out to when the lease is running out. It's not that scary.

Thanks for the replies, and listening to what has been said is of course things I have been thinking about. I know that eventually I will need to break it off and go my own way, but I just really don't know how to go about doing that.

We moved out of our parents because both of our households were slightly toxic. Not to the point where they were abusive, but his family was not financially stable and relied on his job to pay the bills (which was unfair because he could easily support himself, while they were picky with jobs and didn't want to help themselves), and I do not get along with my mother at all and I was ready to be independent from my family.

 

Where do I go when I break things off? I would feel awful leaving him alone with a lease on our apartment. The thought of finding other roommates that are safe and reliable is scary.

Everything new in life is scary, but part of growth is tackling all that and learning that you can do it.

ok... so i’m going to help you here and hopefully it’ll make you happy and you can have the best of both worlds - legitimately.

my recommendation looking back on life is this - you are EXTREMELY correct to wonder “what else is out there” and want to explore. It sounds like this is true of your ENTIRE LIFE and not just your relationship and thus it is “piling on” this notion of “what is out there”... so in reality, you are not necessarily questioning your relationships so much as you are your life path in other areas (which are now seeping and overflowing into the dating life question).

So this is what i want you to do. And actually this is exactly from an ARTICLE i read recently relating to how to live a fulfilling life from a career perspective.

The first thing you need to do is to write down EVERYTHING you are curious about or could see yourself possibly curious about exploring... ever! No limits allowed. Next I want you to write in a separate column anything that makes you unhappy or stressed or that you do NOT enjoy about life right now. Things that make you cringe. (you can leave married and kids out - as a 19 yr old that just qualifies as “i’m a 19 yr old” :)

you’re going to look at each column separately in separate sessions and try to figure out what the LINK or underlying fundamentals are common in all those things you LIKE and are curious about.... and list those. we’re talking things like “i want to explore. i enjoy the unknown..” or “i like to teach” or “i like to help others” , “i enjoy relationships and being social and learning about people”, etc. on other side it could be “i dislike routine and repetition”, “i dislike being responsible or obligated to strangers and other peopel’s needs”, or whatever.

That list... is YOUR list to full life fulfillment. :). And from there you are going to figure out what things would fulfill those needs, and what to remove from life that is bringing you down.

NOW. Just my quick assessment of you. You’re unhappy with life in general. College isn’t meaningful or fulfilling to you- perhaps because you haven’t found the correct study to pursue yet. Or it’s possible you feel you learn better outing he real world and thru experience than thru textbooks and papers. (those are 2 very different reasons and paths related to your education). So my thoughts were to suggest you try and explore different classes and studies IN COLLEGE and “explore college courses” if you will - and then find that thing that lights you up to pursue. (Me personally.. this is exactly wha happened to me. I had no idea what path i wanted, figured business was a good degree.. and then lucky for me a new experimental tract in the business school called “Information Systems” - aka computers for the business world not engineering/science world, had a required class i had to take. BOOM! I knew what i wanted to do! I’ve been in IT ever since and working as a desktop engineer for nearly 25 yrs. :)

On the relationship side.. my suggestion is. You should make new friends, find your own personal activities and your own buddies to go have fun with. Just because you’re in love and in a committed relationship doens’t mean you have to do 100% of your life with your partner! You are still individuals after all. (I’ts actually very healthy for both partners to have “me time” and separate alone time for their own personal pursuits).

So you CAN “explore” (both in college and in your personal life) without “breaking up with college” OR “breaking up with your boyfriend” and scratch that itch of “what else is out there” without having to give up what you already have. Just talk to your partner and mutually agree to what is okay and not and allow BOTH of you the same rules.

My ex-coworker (who is now becoming my best friend in the world) - we go out for dinner and talks ALL THE TIME. We miss each other when we’re not together,e tc. And she has a longtime boyfriend! We hold hands, hug.. we’re really fond of each other and close. Turns out her bf and her have an agreement that for whatever reason - she has always had lots of male friends, the bf has always had a lot of female friends.. so they agreed to both have very long leashes in being able to see and developed friendships separate from each other...

and they’re both SUPER HAPPY because of it.. and it ensures neither will cheat. and they’re super in love (they’re just right for each other for sure).

He’s always welcome to come along but she makes it clear that she wants 1:1 time with me and will be very clear with him when she wants it to just be me and her.

so there is a way. it’s not all black/white (nothing is). Just think out of the box.

Anyway that’s MY personal assessment of your situation. But you will want to go thru that exercise yourself ... and take your time to make sure you get it all right and understood.. and do the assessment yourself so you know its right.

Good luck!