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Thread: Dilemma

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Dilemma

    My sister is having a baby next month. By choice, she will be a single mother.

    Last week, my mom told me that my sister would like me to be the guardian of her child if something were (god forbid) to happen to her.

    This took me by surprise.

    I assumed that my sister worked all of this stuff out already, since she knows I don't want children. My boyfriend doesn't want children, either.

    I'm supposed to think about it and get back to my mom.

    My boyfriend thinks I should say "yes" to keep the peace, and hope that nothing every happens.

    But what if something does happen? I don't want a kid! I've never planned to have a kid. I don't think about having kids.

    Today I got an email from my mom. She said whatever my choice was, she'd support it. But she also said, "Any other choice could result in this little man losing touch with our family... the family you love."

    Thoughts?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member happyfrank's Avatar
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    It's your niece or nephew. If something would happen to sister. You would rather have her/him in a foster home?

    That's your family.

  3. #3
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    Why is your mom the go-between anyway? And I’m sorry, but you really wouldn’t be your niece/nephew’s guardian if something happened to your sister? Really? I can understand you not wanting kids, but this would be your niece or nephew, that’s different. You should want to do anything for your sister and you should be excited and honored that she asked you.

    It’s not a “dilemma” as your title suggests. It’s a no-brainer.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    No, not a foster home. She has good friends who already have kids.

    As for my mom being the go-between, it's just our family dynamic. Would be nice if it was different, but it's not.

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  6. #5
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    I think the problem here is mom's guilt trip.
    I would not respond to your mom, but chat with your sister - preferably in person in a relaxed atmosphere and mention what mom asked.
    It could be that sister didn't request this and mom brought this up/got in the middle or that sister mentioned a passing comment and mom ran with it.
    Unless sister is afraid to talk to you.

    I would not respond nor commit or deny unless sister asks you.

    Honestly, I have had this happen in my family "if anything happens to me..." and as the kid grows up, the plan changes. They may end up being really close to your cousin's children, etc, and that would be a more natural solution. Also, keep in mind, you may fall in love with this child as your niece or nephew and don't want kids, but enjoy them as a person and spending time with them. if sister keels over at 16, you might want nothing more than to guide him/her through the next couple years. Who knows, your mom might even take them.

    To me, unless there is a reason your sister's life would be cut short (she has a disability that limits her lifespan, cancer - there have been women diagnosed with cancer that forego treatment until after birth etc,), i see no reason to imagine the scenario where you will be raising a child. It may be just one of those things where you say "sure' to a mother who is scared of the actual birth process -- everything is fine and everyone moves on sort of forgetting about it and then your sister picks her best friend or someone else close to the child when its time for legal documents.

    My aunt and uncle would have taken us if something happened, but there was no legal agreement.

  7. #6
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would give serious thought if it is something you can do. But I wouldn’t let yourself be emotionally blackmailed.

  8. #7
    Bronze Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    i don't like that they're pinning it all on you - because it's simply not true. You are not the ONLY family/relative your sister has. There is your mom (although obviously in "legal" and "logic" the probabilities are that you will live longer). Aren't there grandparents, cousins, etc. also? If there is not and you are the ONLY family then yes that puts the state in a tough position with zero other relatives available to easily go to.

    My recommendation here is not to do the "i'll do this just to sweep it under the rug and hope it never happens" - that is the wrong thing to do- and unfair to the child. You should first decide yourself and put yourself in the situation that somethign DOES happen to your sister and now there is this child... What can and woudl you want to do IF that truly came to pass? Would you be able to take the baby in because it's familiy and care for it? Would you be able to let it go to foster care and cut the family from all future relations with this baby? DECIDE THAT FIRST!

    If you can't do it, won't do it, then you won't. That is okay. It isn't your baby.
    If you can or decide that you can step up "because it's best for the child", then say 'yes'.
    But DON'T say 'yes' and hope it never happens. It would be better for the child to go elsewhere than to a household where it is unwanted and will sense that and be more of a burden. Better to give it a chance to find a family that wants it and take care of it.

    Tough tough situation and I totally lget your side - "why am i being brought into this? I had nothign to do with this..' I get it.
    Good luck with your decision. Definitely think things thru and think about the kid. This is a grown-up decision. You need to make your decision as a grown-up.

  9. #8
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    I guess what i am meaning to say -- is to buck the trend, have tea or lunch with your sister and talk directly to her. Say yes, but when her life changes and there is a better option for the child, things will change and evolve. I have said yes to all my nieces and nephews knowing the likelihood of me ending up with them is almost zero.

  10. #9
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    The moment you hold your little niece or nephew in your arms your attitude will change. It might even change your thoughts on having children of your own.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Matt0050
    The moment you hold your little niece or nephew in your arms your attitude will change. It might even change your thoughts on having children of your own.
    That is such a naive point of view

    She does NOT have to want children.

    She does NOT have to feel maternal with someone else’s children.

    She should never make a decision to take on a child if she doesn’t want a child.

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