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Thread: Dilemma

  1. #81
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I am glad it worked out. Even if you were getting used to the idea. It makes for less opportunity to have your chain yanked.

  2. #82
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    I've never hoped that a non-parent would be stuck being a parent -that sounds so mean spirited especially to the child! I am surprised your friend pushed the envelope that way. I wanted to be a parent forever and ever. And as soon as I was old enough to get it - probably in my late teens when I was exposed to more people deciding not to have a child and explaining why, etc - I completely got it and respected it - a friend of mine some years ago said that people who don't want kids are "selfish". I think the opposite - it shows thoughtfulness/insight/self-knowledge and wanting to do what is best for a child whether that means parenting a child, helping a child, contributing to educating children or....... completely none of the above which might be the best and most valid choice for the individual.

    Yes as a parent sometimes I feel trapped -I was last week in a way for 27 hours but who's counting between an after school program that cancelled for the day plus a weather-related no school day and husband traveling. Did I embrace it as "yay!!!! more time with my son!!!!" - sure, some of that was really nice. No, the honest truth is I want to spend that amount of time when I choose to and when I' in the proper mindset, not because of out of my control circumstances where we really couldn't even leave the house. I just don't like or get these "selfless" parents - who extol how you will "love" your child because he is yours, etc. I did - and my niece told me she didn't -for the first month or longer -maybe she had some PPD, maybe because she was 18 and newly married who knows -it was her truth and she was a great mom no matter what.

    I am glad you ignored and will continue to ignore all those silly shoulds and assumptions and I am so happy it worked out all for the best- hooray!

  3. #83
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I am surprised your friend pushed the envelope that way.
    What do you mean?

  4. #84
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    "I said, "Thank you, that is very sweet of you. The problem is, I don't want kids. I want to do whatever I want and be selfish!!! So, the kid will be coming into a very uncomfortable situation in the middle of his grief. Not to mention that we will practically be strangers. And I will have to move and start making decisions based on school systems and college."

    My friend said, "Jibralta, it is unlikely that will happen anyway. Who else would take the child? You would also be surprised how your heart suddenly opens up to love a child and to experience the unconditional love back is the closest thing to magic that exists in the world. What did Arnold say? We still haven't done that ourselves. Whenever I bring it up [my husband] deflects."

    I said, "Arnold says he would do it. But that's the other thing. We're not married and weren't planning on getting married. It's really not his responsibility."

    My friend said, "I think you're overthinking it. And you don't need to marry Arnold even if the two of you had a baby."

    I said, "In your case, you have two parents, so if god forbid something happens to one of you, the other one and your half of the family would be there. My sister has no husband, no additional safety net. It's right to me, the completely unprepared non-parent."

    My friend said, "True."

    I said, "I know I don't need to marry Arnold in any case, but the point is we are set up specifically to NOT have kids. It's crazy that I've taken all of these precautions to not have a child and yet one threatens."

    My friend said, "Such is life, my dear. I certainly didn't expect [my daughter] and didn't own that situation until she was born and I heard her first sweet cry. It's like the heavens opened and love crushed into me""

    I didn't feel she respected your stance on not wanting to be a parent and imposed her own assumptions on you/overshared about her personal experience.

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  6. #85
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I didn't feel she respected your stance on not wanting to be a parent and imposed her own assumptions on you/overshared about her personal experience.
    I see.

    Well, to be honest, her reaction was pretty much on par with what I got from everyone I talked to.

    The pleasant thing in her case was that she gave me some additional affection and encouragement.

    Everyone else was pretty much like, "You'll get used to it."

    Lol.

    I didn't feel that she pushed the envelope anymore than anyone else. Also, I don't think she overshared.

  7. #86
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    I see.

    Well, to be honest, her reaction was pretty much on par with what I got from everyone I talked to.

    The pleasant thing in her case was that she gave me some additional affection and encouragement.

    Everyone else was pretty much like, "You'll get used to it."

    Lol.

    I didn't feel that she pushed the envelope anymore than anyone else. Also, I don't think she overshared.
    It depends on the person's sensitivities of course! I went through so much with oversharing/commenting on my "still" being single and not a parent/why I wasn't a parent/my biological clock - I mean it was open season and I desperately wanted a husband and child. Really awful. So I am extremely careful about those topics and say nothing - I just respect whatever the person's choices are and circumstances.

  8. #87
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Oh, I see. I can understand why you would be sensitive to that.

    I'm not particularly sensitive on this issue. Also, I was actually asking people for their opinions. It's not like I was bombarded by tactless, unsolicited advice.

    I have to admit that I was surprised and a little dismayed to find that most people came down on the "it's your responsibility" side of things.

  9. #88
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Oh, I see. I can understand why you would be sensitive to that.

    I'm not particularly sensitive on this issue. Also, I was actually asking people for their opinions. It's not like I was bombarded by tactless, unsolicited advice.

    I have to admit that I was surprised and a little dismayed to find that most people came down on the "it's your responsibility" side of things.
    Yes I find that surprising too!

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