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Thread: Dilemma

  1. #71
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    My mom told the story. When she got to the part where she bought the amethysts, my boyfriend said, "Wait. Let me get this straight: Some assh*le kicked your kid out of a store and you gave her money???"

    I was stunned. No one had ever stood up for me before.

    My mom just sort of sat there wide-eyed and my sister looked like she was going to explode.

    It was really wonderful.
    Kudos to your man.
    As is kids, these moments are a child's relative normal and you just learn to adjust to it.
    Having your boyfriend validate your experience was pretty special.

  2. #72
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    He didn't even realize what he was doing, but I was elated!

  3. #73
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    well --- think about this -- if you end up as the guardian of the child (highly unlikely that your sister will die before the baby is 18), then that means that your mother passed away. Because your sister could fall in love and marry a wonderful man that is a loving step dad by then - or if not, the first person that finds the kid will inevitably call your mom, because she would be next of kin - before looking into what your sister's wishes were. So you wouldn't be dealing with mother if you DID end up guardian of this child..... not trying to be morbid or wishing anything on anyone -- but just sayin. *

  4. #74
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    I think your mom is my ex mother in law btw, she would say "oh, i don't remember that" constantly. I mean, major things. She would claim she was bonked on the head at some point and just doesn't remember.

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  6. #75
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I don't mean to pry at all. I was wondering if your mom drank a lot when you were younger?

  7. #76
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    well --- think about this -- if you end up as the guardian of the child (highly unlikely that your sister will die before the baby is 18), then that means that your mother passed away. Because your sister could fall in love and marry a wonderful man that is a loving step dad by then - or if not, the first person that finds the kid will inevitably call your mom, because she would be next of kin - before looking into what your sister's wishes were. So you wouldn't be dealing with mother if you DID end up guardian of this child..... not trying to be morbid or wishing anything on anyone -- but just sayin. *
    Yes, there does seem to be a couple of potential 'safeguards' in place at the moment.

    My boyfriend says, "Let's say 'yes' now and hope it never happens." I'm staring to agree with him.

    It seems like the only option is to say "yes" in order to keep the peace.

    It would be nice if my mom stopped interfering, and we could actually have space to think, and be able to talk to my sister about this without my mom harping in the background. My sister actually seems to be more cool-headed about the issue.

    Unfortunately, this is an issue where me saying "no" would be more of an embarrassment to my mom than her being a buttinsky. So, my mom will probably never let this go.

    She's such a pain in the ass.

  8. #77
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I don't mean to pry at all. I was wondering if your mom drank a lot when you were younger?
    Lol, no. She has never been much of a drinker. My dad was quite a heavy drinker, but he was absent for most of our lives. I think we were more affected by his absence than his drinking. Also, with regard to my dad, he was more of a functional alcoholic--he was Irish, after all. What I'm saying is, it never felt out of control to me. He could hold his liquor pretty well--not that he was a saint or anything! He certainly wasn't.

    But my mom was pretty dry. I do think she has some sort of mental disorder, though. Probably borderline personality disorder. She was always extremely volatile when we were growing up. It was unpredictable and quite stressful. My sister and I went to great lengths to avoid triggering her. For example, we made sure everything was always in the right place. But often an eruption was inevitable.

    I think my sister grew up to be codependent with my mom. And I think that my mom may have been codependent with my father while they were together. But it's hard to say because I didn't witness much of that relationship. I just see the pattern in my sister, and I know of my dad's alcoholism, and that the pattern could have started there with my mom being the original codependent. Also, mental illness triggers/causes codependency.

  9. #78
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Oh ok. I thought maybe because of how she doesn't remember events accurately, and the abuse, perhaps there was drink in the picture.
    When my mom would drink, she wouldn't remember and would give skewed accounts of the times when she was behaving badly. I think some of it was she couldn't remember, but part of it was also denial because it was tough for her to admit those things. It was difficult as when I would I approach her with something that had hurt me, she wouldn't acknowledge it and her story had herself in a victim role. Even when sober, she had a tendency to rewriting events in this way.

    I think you are self aware enough and smart and will make your decision that is right for you. I'm just sorry it's bringing up this with your mom - that sounds really hard.

  10. #79
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I think some of it was she couldn't remember, but part of it was also denial because it was tough for her to admit those things. It was difficult as when I would I approach her with something that had hurt me, she wouldn't acknowledge it and her story had herself in a victim role. Even when sober, she had a tendency to rewriting events in this way.
    Very similar with my mom. She can't control her temper and does things that she later regrets. But she never takes responsibility for those things. She pretends they didn't happen, or that other people drove her to do them. Sometimes she will give a blanket apology for things, but it's usually shouted in the middle of an argument and it always comes off as insincere because she goes right back to being mean the next time she loses her temper.

    But this is only one side of my mom. It's a very unfortunate side, but she's not like this all the time. You would never know she had this awful side to her if you met her on the street. You might sense that she has a temper, but she looks and acts like a classy lady.

    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I think you are self aware enough and smart and will make your decision that is right for you. I'm just sorry it's bringing up this with your mom - that sounds really hard.
    Thanks. It hasn't been easy, and it took years and years of therapy to help me cope with her psychology.

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