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Thread: Dilemma

  1. #71
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    My mom told the story. When she got to the part where she bought the amethysts, my boyfriend said, "Wait. Let me get this straight: Some assh*le kicked your kid out of a store and you gave her money???"

    I was stunned. No one had ever stood up for me before.

    My mom just sort of sat there wide-eyed and my sister looked like she was going to explode.

    It was really wonderful.
    Kudos to your man.
    As is kids, these moments are a child's relative normal and you just learn to adjust to it.
    Having your boyfriend validate your experience was pretty special.

  2. #72
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    He didn't even realize what he was doing, but I was elated!

  3. #73
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    well --- think about this -- if you end up as the guardian of the child (highly unlikely that your sister will die before the baby is 18), then that means that your mother passed away. Because your sister could fall in love and marry a wonderful man that is a loving step dad by then - or if not, the first person that finds the kid will inevitably call your mom, because she would be next of kin - before looking into what your sister's wishes were. So you wouldn't be dealing with mother if you DID end up guardian of this child..... not trying to be morbid or wishing anything on anyone -- but just sayin. *

  4. #74
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    I think your mom is my ex mother in law btw, she would say "oh, i don't remember that" constantly. I mean, major things. She would claim she was bonked on the head at some point and just doesn't remember.

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  6. #75
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I don't mean to pry at all. I was wondering if your mom drank a lot when you were younger?

  7. #76
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    well --- think about this -- if you end up as the guardian of the child (highly unlikely that your sister will die before the baby is 18), then that means that your mother passed away. Because your sister could fall in love and marry a wonderful man that is a loving step dad by then - or if not, the first person that finds the kid will inevitably call your mom, because she would be next of kin - before looking into what your sister's wishes were. So you wouldn't be dealing with mother if you DID end up guardian of this child..... not trying to be morbid or wishing anything on anyone -- but just sayin. *
    Yes, there does seem to be a couple of potential 'safeguards' in place at the moment.

    My boyfriend says, "Let's say 'yes' now and hope it never happens." I'm staring to agree with him.

    It seems like the only option is to say "yes" in order to keep the peace.

    It would be nice if my mom stopped interfering, and we could actually have space to think, and be able to talk to my sister about this without my mom harping in the background. My sister actually seems to be more cool-headed about the issue.

    Unfortunately, this is an issue where me saying "no" would be more of an embarrassment to my mom than her being a buttinsky. So, my mom will probably never let this go.

    She's such a pain in the ass.

  8. #77
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I don't mean to pry at all. I was wondering if your mom drank a lot when you were younger?
    Lol, no. She has never been much of a drinker. My dad was quite a heavy drinker, but he was absent for most of our lives. I think we were more affected by his absence than his drinking. Also, with regard to my dad, he was more of a functional alcoholic--he was Irish, after all. What I'm saying is, it never felt out of control to me. He could hold his liquor pretty well--not that he was a saint or anything! He certainly wasn't.

    But my mom was pretty dry. I do think she has some sort of mental disorder, though. Probably borderline personality disorder. She was always extremely volatile when we were growing up. It was unpredictable and quite stressful. My sister and I went to great lengths to avoid triggering her. For example, we made sure everything was always in the right place. But often an eruption was inevitable.

    I think my sister grew up to be codependent with my mom. And I think that my mom may have been codependent with my father while they were together. But it's hard to say because I didn't witness much of that relationship. I just see the pattern in my sister, and I know of my dad's alcoholism, and that the pattern could have started there with my mom being the original codependent. Also, mental illness triggers/causes codependency.

  9. #78
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Oh ok. I thought maybe because of how she doesn't remember events accurately, and the abuse, perhaps there was drink in the picture.
    When my mom would drink, she wouldn't remember and would give skewed accounts of the times when she was behaving badly. I think some of it was she couldn't remember, but part of it was also denial because it was tough for her to admit those things. It was difficult as when I would I approach her with something that had hurt me, she wouldn't acknowledge it and her story had herself in a victim role. Even when sober, she had a tendency to rewriting events in this way.

    I think you are self aware enough and smart and will make your decision that is right for you. I'm just sorry it's bringing up this with your mom - that sounds really hard.

  10. #79
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I think some of it was she couldn't remember, but part of it was also denial because it was tough for her to admit those things. It was difficult as when I would I approach her with something that had hurt me, she wouldn't acknowledge it and her story had herself in a victim role. Even when sober, she had a tendency to rewriting events in this way.
    Very similar with my mom. She can't control her temper and does things that she later regrets. But she never takes responsibility for those things. She pretends they didn't happen, or that other people drove her to do them. Sometimes she will give a blanket apology for things, but it's usually shouted in the middle of an argument and it always comes off as insincere because she goes right back to being mean the next time she loses her temper.

    But this is only one side of my mom. It's a very unfortunate side, but she's not like this all the time. You would never know she had this awful side to her if you met her on the street. You might sense that she has a temper, but she looks and acts like a classy lady.

    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    I think you are self aware enough and smart and will make your decision that is right for you. I'm just sorry it's bringing up this with your mom - that sounds really hard.
    Thanks. It hasn't been easy, and it took years and years of therapy to help me cope with her psychology.

  11. #80
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Well, I am off the hook for guardianship.

    What happened is, my sister asked our cousin Jeff to be the baby's godfather. Jeff accepted. He automatically assumed that this meant he was to be the baby's guardian if something were to happen to my sister.

    I know that's the way it usually goes with godparents, but it hasn't been that way in our family. She still intended for me to be the guardian.

    But when my sister found out that Jeff was comfortable being a guardian, she went with it.

    I honestly think this is the best possible choice because 1) Jeff is willing, 2) Jeff's parents will be an extremely valuable resource to everyone, should the worst (god forbid) happen (In fact, if I ever actually ended up as guardian, I fully intended to break down their door. They're just awesome, experienced parents), and most importantly 3) the baby will still be in our family.

    My sister told me this back in January.

    I have to admit, I was slightly miffed. I know that's absurd, because I really didn't want to be guardian. But I was actually starting to talk myself into it, and was just waiting for the right time to reopen the conversation with her.

    I had talked to a lot of people about it. I was surprised to find that most believed that the responsibility should fall to me because "who else would do it?"

    It's a valid question.

    Those same people assured me, "It's not so bad, really. You get used to it. Besides, it'll never happen."

    Sometimes I think that parents secretly delight in the idea of non-parents getting stuck being parents.

    Right after the baby was born, just as I was starting to align myself to the idea of being the baby's guardian, I had a really nice text-exchange with a close friend of mine. This is a girl that I've known for 25+ years. She knows my family dynamic. She lives 8 hours away now, and messaged to congratulate me on my nephew's birth.

    During the conversation I said, "My sister wants me to be the guardian if something should (god forbid) happen to her, and that's a whole nother issue. They just dropped that bomb on me a couple of weeks ago! Obviously, I have to say yes, but I think it's a bad idea."

    She said, "Why a bad idea? You would be an awesome 'mom' if the opportunity arose. I know that it is not in your life plan or desires. But you have so much to offer. I say that with a giant heart filled with love and admiration for you."

    I said, "Thank you, that is very sweet of you. The problem is, I don't want kids. I want to do whatever I want and be selfish!!! So, the kid will be coming into a very uncomfortable situation in the middle of his grief. Not to mention that we will practically be strangers. And I will have to move and start making decisions based on school systems and college."

    My friend said, "Jibralta, it is unlikely that will happen anyway. Who else would take the child? You would also be surprised how your heart suddenly opens up to love a child and to experience the unconditional love back is the closest thing to magic that exists in the world. What did Arnold say? We still haven't done that ourselves. Whenever I bring it up [my husband] deflects."

    I said, "Arnold says he would do it. But that's the other thing. We're not married and weren't planning on getting married. It's really not his responsibility."

    My friend said, "I think you're overthinking it. And you don't need to marry Arnold even if the two of you had a baby."

    I said, "In your case, you have two parents, so if god forbid something happens to one of you, the other one and your half of the family would be there. My sister has no husband, no additional safety net. It's right to me, the completely unprepared non-parent."

    My friend said, "True."

    I said, "I know I don't need to marry Arnold in any case, but the point is we are set up specifically to NOT have kids. It's crazy that I've taken all of these precautions to not have a child and yet one threatens."

    My friend said, "Such is life, my dear. I certainly didn't expect [my daughter] and didn't own that situation until she was born and I heard her first sweet cry. It's like the heavens opened and love crushed into me"

    Of course, her daughter is her third child and she's already committed to being a parent and has parenting experience....

    I said, "I bet." Because I really do believe that my heart would open. "And that's another source of stress: the worrying. Ugh."

    My friend said, "If it happens, you have to believe that 'god' thinks you can handle it. That you are meant to make that mark on the world. So, I guess you wouldn't want to be my kids' guardian?"

    I said, "Not that I don't love them dearly..."

    It was nice to have that vote of confidence from my friend.

    I am still glad for the way things worked out.

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