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Thread: Dilemma

  1. #61
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Thanks, everybody, for your responses. I've been trying to reply to them all, but I am falling behind and might not get to everyone. I have been reading all of them and I do appreciate your input.

    We called my sister yesterday. We decided to keep it brief and NOT dump our concerns on her during that phone call. The purpose of the call was just to open the dialog with her and get her feelings on the matter. Then, at a later date, we could discuss our concerns.

    The call went pretty well. My sister did not know that my mom was planning to ask me about guardianship. My mom informed my sister that she had talked to me about it after the conversation took place. My sister, being my mother's champion and protector, said, "But it's perfectly fine that she did it. I have no problem with that; I was planning to ask you anyway."

    Oh, family.

    Anyway, after speaking with my sister, my boyfriend and I felt a lot better about things. My sister said that we are her first choice for guardianship, but that we should not feel obligated to the responsibility. She is also glad that we are taking it seriously, and is not surprised that we are going to take some time to make our decision (we do that for everything lol).

    So, I have some thinking to do.

  2. #62
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    Wow, I'm so impressed by the way you handled it! Talking straight to your sister, circumventing the whole telephone game of your mom, your sister, other family members.....you just went straight to the (pregnant!) source, and had a calm, rational, adult discussion.

  3. #63
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Thanks, everybody, for your responses. I've been trying to reply to them all, but I am falling behind and might not get to everyone. I have been reading all of them and I do appreciate your input.

    We called my sister yesterday. We decided to keep it brief and NOT dump our concerns on her during that phone call. The purpose of the call was just to open the dialog with her and get her feelings on the matter. Then, at a later date, we could discuss our concerns.

    The call went pretty well. My sister did not know that my mom was planning to ask me about guardianship. My mom informed my sister that she had talked to me about it after the conversation took place. My sister, being my mother's champion and protector, said, "But it's perfectly fine that she did it. I have no problem with that; I was planning to ask you anyway."

    Oh, family.

    Anyway, after speaking with my sister, my boyfriend and I felt a lot better about things. My sister said that we are her first choice for guardianship, but that we should not feel obligated to the responsibility. She is also glad that we are taking it seriously, and is not surprised that we are going to take some time to make our decision (we do that for everything lol).

    So, I have some thinking to do.
    Wonderful approach and result and I wish you the best with the thinking portion. You can do this!

  4. #64
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Yeah, you know, I was sort of in knots about how to approach her and present my perspective.... and then I realized that we had never spoken about it before. That's why I was having a hard time figuring out what to say--it doesn't make sense to start in the middle of the conversation when the conversation never started!

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  6. #65
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Yeah, you know, I was sort of in knots about how to approach her and present my perspective.... and then I realized that we had never spoken about it before. That's why I was having a hard time figuring out what to say--it doesn't make sense to start in the middle of the conversation when the conversation never started!
    Yes! Like the elephant at intermission I guess. That's unfortunate about your mother's "miscommunication."

  7. #66
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You handled it beautifully.

  8. #67
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Venting.

    I just got off the phone with my mom. She basically butted into the situation again, trying to guilt me with a story from my childhood. A warped story, I should add.

    She said, "We had just gotten into an argument and you wanted to go live with your father. Of course, I was heartbroken. But I said, 'yes.' Later in the evening, I found you sitting on the couch in the basement, hysterically crying. I asked what was wrong, and you said, 'If I go live with Dad, I'll never see my family again.' Just think how your sister's son would feel if he lost his mother and his family all at once."

    I was like, "That's not what I remember. I remember packing my suitcase, then you throwing it at me and pushing me down the stairs after I caught it. Then you dumped the contents all over the living room."

    She said, "Well, I don't remember the argument. I just remember that you were crying hysterically because you wouldn't see your family again."

    I said, "I was probably crying hysterically because you pushed me down a flight of stairs and dumped my suitcase all over the place. Besides, there was no chance of me living with my father. When I called, he said 'No.'"

    She said, "You know, you weren't the only one who was hurt when you were a teenager. I was hurt, too. Remember when you ignored me that one day when you were 12?"

    I seriously think my mom emotionally regresses into a child. I really think this.

    Anyway, she changed tactics and basically began lecturing me that I was taking too long to think about this, and she was brought up a certain way, and our family is this way, and there are stories that I don't know and there's no need for me to know those stories (that makes no sense to me, but that's what she said), etc.

    It's so infuriating.

    At this point, I still don't know what I want to do. Despite my aversion to having children, I haven't totally vetoed the idea because after all, it's my sister's child and I do want to make sure he is always safe. But sh*t like this gets me all fired up and I want to say 'no' just to spite my mother.

    Obviously, she lied when she told me that any decision I made would be ok. No surprise there, I guess.

    Why couldn't I have a rational family?

  9. #68
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    oooF!
    That hurt to read.

    I would draw a firm line and say this conversation is between you and your sister and discussing it between you and your mother is entirely off the table . . . . period.

  10. #69
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    I hear you, and you're right. But it's hard, because my mom really believes that she (my mom) is the victim. And my sister supports my mom's fantasy. Which really makes me angry at my sister, come to think of it. I mean, she was there through all of the abuse, she suffered the abuse, and somehow she stands with my mom and points her finger at me like I was the abuser and not our mom. It's crazy.

    A few Christmases ago, I was visiting my sister and mom and somehow we got talking about this incident that happened at a crystal shop in the Poconos.

    I was 12 or 13 at the time and completely miserable. My mom was in such a bad state mentally and there was no escape.

    We went to this crystal shop and I stood there in my cloud of misery, saying nothing to anyone, looking at no one, just being unhappy.

    The proprietor of the shop pointed her finger at me and said, "You. Out." She told my mom that I had bad energy and she didn't want me affecting her crystals.

    My mom ushered me out the door and the lady proceeded to sell her $80 worth of amethyst crystals to clear up my "bad energy."

    I think about this and laugh sometimes. I mean, it really is amusing that this was my life.

    Anyway, we were discussing this over dinner during my visit. My mom told the story. When she got to the part where she bought the amethysts, my boyfriend said, "Wait. Let me get this straight: Some assh*le kicked your kid out of a store and you gave her money???"

    I was stunned. No one had ever stood up for me before.

    My mom just sort of sat there wide-eyed and my sister looked like she was going to explode.

    It was really wonderful.

  11. #70
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I am so sorry this abuse happened to you. :( My dad is mostly estranged for the same crap. I am sorry.

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