Dilemma

[dias]

Actually, I'm adopted.

Don't stress Jibs. Your sister will be fine and there is no reason to think about this. I am surprised though by your sister's thinking. She hasn't even given birth and she is thinking what will happen if ... It's absurd.

[j.man]

So your sister wants to full on be responsible for another human being but doesn't have the cajones to bring this issue to you personally? That's certainly something. Perhaps too personal a question, but "by choice" do you mean she was single got an IVF, or she chose not to have an abortion?

I have it arranged with my sister that, should something happen to her and her husband, I will take my nieces in. But that was worked out between her and me. It's a responsibility I am proud to accept, and hopefully won't ever have to. But you should absolutely, positively not be compelled to take in your sister's daughter against your wishes and contrary to your most valued life goals. It's not just a matter of blood. You'd be a reluctant parent, which all but inherently puts the children in a pretty crappy spot. IIRC, while you've been with your boyfriend a decent amount of time, you're not married, and while I wish and hope for you two nothing but happiness and longevity, there's no huge promise at the moment that you are going to be in a position to adequately care for the child if/when it comes down to it.

Honestly, I would take a hard-line stance if I were you. You can express that you're honored, but that it would be in her child's best interest to make legal preparations with someone else she's close to and whom she trusts, who has an established and secure home, and who has experience raising children well. In this situation, I really do think you can decline the responsibility out of good conscience. And if push comes to shove, if whatever arrangement she hopefully makes instead falls through, perhaps then you'd consider taking the kid in to avoid foster care.

But I am in full agreement with the more universal opinion of absolutely refusing to have the conversation with anyone but her. Who knows? Maybe you'll luck out and the entire reason for it was to not hurt your feelings by offering the potential responsibility to a friend of hers first.

[maew]

I would give serious thought if it is something you can do. But I wouldn’t let yourself be emotionally blackmailed.

This ^^

My thought is that while you may be resistant to the idea now, if something happened to your sister that might change your entire way of thinking and you may want to do everything you can do to take care of her child... grief changes people in a big way.

I guess my worry would be what if I said no, and this other family took the child, and then decided they wanted to cut the child's family out of their life because they somehow felt it would be "easier"? Or what if they decided at the last minute not to and the child ended up in foster care?

I think there are risks no matter what you decide... take some time to reflect on all of the ins and outs of the various scenarios before you decide.

[Jibralta]

Aren't there grandparents, cousins, etc. also? If there is not and you are the ONLY family then yes that puts the state in a tough position with zero other relatives available to easily go to.

All of my grandparents are deceased, but there is other family.

My recommendation here is not to do the "i'll do this just to sweep it under the rug and hope it never happens" - that is the wrong thing to do- and unfair to the child.

I completely agree.

My recommendation here is not to do the "i'll do this just to sweep it under the rug and hope it never happens" - that is the wrong thing to do- and unfair to the child. You should first decide yourself and put yourself in the situation that somethign DOES happen to your sister and now there is this child... What can and woudl you want to do IF that truly came to pass? Would you be able to take the baby in because it's familiy and care for it? Would you be able to let it go to foster care and cut the family from all future relations with this baby? DECIDE THAT FIRST!

In a perfect world, I would have access to my nephew and be able to visit him and bring him around our family. I would be able to exert some control over his care (for example, make sure he is being cared for properly), but I would not have custodial custody. It wouldn't be foster care, either. It would be family or a close family friend.

I don't even know if that sort of thing is possible.

Tough tough situation and I totally lget your side - "why am i being brought into this? I had nothign to do with this..' I get it.
Good luck with your decision. Definitely think things thru and think about the kid.

Thanks.

[Batya33]

Tough one but I default to honoring your feelings about being a mother to your own or someone else's children. Yes, even your sister's. One thing I thought of -you can offer to be the involved Aunt to the guardian who is selected, offer to support your nephew emotionally and spend time with him despite not agreeing to be the custodial parent. I really don't think it's in the best interests of your nephew to be sent to live with someone who doesn't want to be a custodial parent. I think it's wonderful of you to take the step of discussing this with your sister. When I was considering single motherhood by choice my mother was honest with me that she wouldn't be able to help me much (because she was getting older) and that I should factor that into any decision I made (she helped my sister quite a bit but she was younger).

Definitely be true to yourself and honest with your sister. You can love your nephew, be a great Aunt to him and still not be the person to be the custodial parent should anything happen.

I wish you the best and that this goes smoothly.

[abitbroken]

^ THIS. You're being emotionally blackmailed and guilt-tripped. That alone can cause major rifts in families. I would not have your mom being the "go-between". If your sister wants you to be the guardian of her child, then it is up to HER, and HER responsibility to discuss this with you, in person (imo).

Yup - this has nothing to do with the actual child.

[~Seraphim ~]

^ THIS. You're being emotionally blackmailed and guilt-tripped. That alone can cause major rifts in families. I would not have your mom being the "go-between". If your sister wants you to be the guardian of her child, then it is up to HER, and HER responsibility to discuss this with you, in person (imo).

Absolutely! If someone wants somebody to look after their child they should at least have that discussion with the person . Not just enlist your mom to create guilt. When I created my brother as Guardian if I passed away I asked him directly to his face the day my son was born .

[reinventmyself]

Today I got an email from my mom. She said whatever my choice was, she'd support it. But she also said, "Any other choice could result in this little man losing touch with our family... the family you love."

Well, that's not necessarily true. It all depends on whom else she would choose. Nothing like a mothers' guilt, right? :)

I would think of a delicate way to talk to your sister. Tell her you are honored and then ask her if she has a second choice. Someone who either has kids or really wants them. Open up the dialog about what would be best for the child. Surely she knows your wishes to not have children, correct?

[pippy longstocking]

Just say it as it is jibs .....

You have planned your life around no children , your partner has planned his around no children , it is not the life you want and while you will love her child dearly and always be a special auntie jibs , you can't commit anymore then that .

[pippy longstocking]

Oh forgot to say ... I can understand why your sis asked your mum to deliver all of this , you would have been put on the spot , so fair enough . However your mum needs to now leave it be and certainly not lay on the guilt trip .

It's your life , keep reminding yourself that you have the right to live the way you choose .