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Thread: Dilemma

  1. #11
    Bronze Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    the state can NOT automatically award a child to "friends and neighbors" if it's guardian dies and all existing relatives refuse to take it in.
    In that circumstance the state would be left with the option of submitting the child to state care. (Only other possibility is just like you said, your sister made arrangements with somebody and it were in the will and agreed upon).

    So back to: decide what it is you really would do or want to do or could do IF it truly came to that. Then give your sister the HONEST answer so she can arrange for appropriate care for her child if somethign were to happen. DO NOT agree to it with no intention of wanting to do it and "HOPE" it never happens. That is the WORST answer ytou can give and the WORST thing you can do here.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    That is such a naive point of view

    She does NOT have to want children.

    She does NOT have to feel maternal with someone elseís children.

    She should never make a decision to take on a child if she doesnít want a child.
    Itís not just any child. Itís her sisterís child.

  3. #13
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I think the problem here is mom's guilt trip.
    I would not respond to your mom, but chat with your sister - preferably in person in a relaxed atmosphere and mention what mom asked.

    It could be that sister didn't request this and mom brought this up/got in the middle or that sister mentioned a passing comment and mom ran with it.
    Unless sister is afraid to talk to you.

    I would not respond nor commit or deny unless sister asks you..
    ^ THIS. You're being emotionally blackmailed and guilt-tripped. That alone can cause major rifts in families. I would not have your mom being the "go-between". If your sister wants you to be the guardian of her child, then it is up to HER, and HER responsibility to discuss this with you, in person (imo).

  4. #14
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    However though if this is not how she has envisioned her life this could not be a good choice for her or the child.

    I have an adult child will probably live with me forever due to disability . And my husband and I will be adopting our great nephew but even we had to think about that thought . It is a massive decision because we will be over 70 by the time this child is grown up . It effectively takes away our entire retirement which we have worked for . Family or not it is a massive decision .
    Originally Posted by DaisyMayPorter
    Itís not just any child. Itís her sisterís child.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member happyfrank's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    That is such a naive point of view

    She does NOT have to want children.

    She does NOT have to feel maternal with someone elseís children.

    She should never make a decision to take on a child if she doesnít want a child.
    It's not somebody else's child. It's a direct blood relative.

    Bond will happen no matter what.

  7. #16
    Bronze Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by mustlovedogs
    That is such a naive point of view

    She does NOT have to want children.

    She does NOT have to feel maternal with someone elseís children.

    She should never make a decision to take on a child if she doesnít want a child.
    Exactly right. I hate that they're pinning this all on this OP.
    I hate the guilt trips.

    To make a decision based on "have to" and "obligated to" and "hope it never happens" is the WRONG decision and unfair to the child.
    The decision should be based on what's best for the child - which takes a little internal personal introspection first to imagine that decision is here today and see how you feel - because it IS family. Because the state woudl have to potentially put the child in state care if no relatives claim it. etc.

    Nobody is OBLIGATED to do anything when it wasn't their idea or involvement that created the situation.
    BUT.. it is their obligation to answer the question when asked if they would agree to be the guardian if needed - and to answer that the best and most mature/thoughtful way they can and either truly commit.. or say they can not commit to that.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I think the problem here is mom's guilt trip.
    I would not respond to your mom, but chat with your sister - preferably in person in a relaxed atmosphere and mention what mom asked.
    It could be that sister didn't request this and mom brought this up/got in the middle or that sister mentioned a passing comment and mom ran with it.
    Unless sister is afraid to talk to you.
    Thanks for your thoughtful post. To address some of your points:

    My mom is doing the asking because according to my mom (and I believe her, she's not deceptive), my sister didn't want to put me on the spot by asking me. I don't know how much sense that makes, but that's the reason. My sister and my mom are very close. This sort of thing is not unusual for them.

    My sister and my mom live 950 miles away. I see them once a year, maybe less. So, an in-person discussion will not be possible until after the baby is born.

    However, you are right: I should call my sister and speak to her directly about this.

    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Honestly, I have had this happen in my family "if anything happens to me..." and as the kid grows up, the plan changes. They may end up being really close to your cousin's children, etc, and that would be a more natural solution. Also, keep in mind, you may fall in love with this child as your niece or nephew and don't want kids, but enjoy them as a person and spending time with them. if sister keels over at 16, you might want nothing more than to guide him/her through the next couple years. Who knows, your mom might even take them.
    My sister is making a will, but I do hope that plans will change as you describe above.

    It just doesn't seem like a good idea to me, thinking about it logically.

    While I love my nephew already, this distance means that I will not have much interaction with him as he grows up. He won't know me very well, and I won't be prepared to raise him (unless I start reorganizing my life very soon).

    We would both be traumatized and grieving over my sister, and on top of that he would have to leave everyone and everything he knows.

    My mom is already in her 70s. I don't think she will be able to raise him in another few years.

    Wouldn't it be better to place him with a couple of familiar old pros whose practiced parenting skills could make the transition as seamless as possible?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by happyfrank
    It's not somebody else's child. It's a direct blood relative.

    Bond will happen no matter what.
    Actually, I'm adopted.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    I would give serious thought if it is something you can do. But I wouldnít let yourself be emotionally blackmailed.
    Thanks. I am definitely giving it serious thought, and that means thinking through the disaster scenario. I don't want to say "no," because I want to protect my sister's child. But I am not convinced that I am the best choice of guardian.

  11. #20
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    I agree that unless the answer is a clear ďyesĒ, this should not go through your mom. There is too much potential for hurt feelings.

    Iíve actually had this conversation with my best friend. She wanted to leave her kids to me in the event that something happened to her and her husband (his family is much older and live overseas and her sister already has 4 kids and are struggling financially). I also was not to keen on the idea. Here is how the conversation went down (in person, eye to eye):

    Me: ďhey - so, yeah, I wanted to talk to you about this. I am SO flattered that you thought of me. You know how much I love your kids and I want nothing but the best for them... That said, Iím not sure Iím the right fit? My lifestyle is so different and having kids is such a huge responsibility. I donít want to say ďnoĒ... but have you thought about Judy? Or George? Or these other people?Ē

    Her: ďYeah, Iíve thought about it and blah, blah, blah...Ē

    Me: ďOk. Well, Iím not saying no - but I think it would be good if you could explore those options a bit more. But, I mean, if you get stuck, letís talk about it againĒ

    Anyways - she found someone else. And that was 9 years ago. It didnít impact our friendship.

    I think that showing that you care, and that you want the best for them, and that you are willing to work with them really helps. Letís be real. Most people wonít want to leave their kids with you if they know you wonít be thrilled about it. But just coming with a ďnoĒ can be harsh and hurtful.

    Anyways, thatís what worked for me - but in my case, if it came down to me or foster care, I was willing for it to be me. I just wanted her to explore every other option first.

    ... but to each their own... itís a big commitment for sure...

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