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Thread: To stay or go?

  1. #1

    To stay or go?

    A little back story: I've been with my current partner for 5 years and engaged for the past 2 years. We moved into together about 2 years ago aswell( We both lived with parents before). Im 27 and have had positive and negative relationships in the past. She is 24 and had mainly negative ones. She used to get bullied at school and has very low self esteem. When we met it was great, we got on like a house on fire. Her personality was flawless, she was beautiful but I honestly found her a bit overweight. I didn't use this as a problem as I'm not an Adonis myself, but it's just my honest feeling. But It felt like we were ying and yang so I can with it. Then we started dating and eventually coupled up. Things were awesome, untill I went through a tough mental patch and cheated on her. I felt rotten and confessed the next day. After that, she has lost even more confidence (understandably) but we worked at it and got back on track. 18 months later I proposed. I felt a bit pressured too because of my cheating in the past and I wanted to make her feel like I'm committed...plus i really loved her and wanted to do the whole family and kids thing. Fast forward 2 years ( moved in together, each got new, more time consuming stressful jobs) and it feels like the flame is dying between us. Conversation is a struggle, we have pety arguements but I also feel like I'm not as sexually attracted to her as I was before. I feel as though I have adapted as a person and the things I loved back then , in longer swoon for( she is quiet and shy, which I found cute, but now I feel I want someone a but louder with more confidence). I feel myself checking out other girls and "trying to be the best version of myself I can be" when around them. I have more confidence in myself now and i'm happier in life. My new job has introduced me to a work colleague who I get on with incredibly well, ticks all the qualities personality wise and very attractive. I'm not saying I would cheat on my current partner with her, but if I was single , then I would definitely try to date her.

    I'm not sure if I'm only with my current partner because I'm safe and secure, or if it's because I truly love her. Am I just getting cold feet because I've met someone who has just livened up my life for a bit?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    People can change a lot in 5 years, especially when the are in their 20's. What you wanted in a relationship originally has changed... the fact that you felt pressured to propose vs. being over the moon about it is somewhat of a red flag.... this doesn't sound like someone who really wants to be with their partner till death do us part.

    At the end of the day you need to be honest about how you feel with her and yourself and stop leading her and yourself on. Nothing good will come from staying in an unhappy marriage, particularly as you start to look at having children and financial assets like houses, cars, savings, etc. in common. These things only get more complicated as they go on.

  3. #3
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    Time to end it with your partner. She deserves much better and should be with someone who accepts, values and is committed. You are not doing her any favors.

  4. #4
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    Marriage is supposed to be forever... are you prepared to be with her forever, no matter if her weight changes.. or she gets a new job?
    Have you set a date? I would think if you are interested in another woman before you have even made it down the aisle, this may not be right for you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    I agree with all of the other posters. However, I am also adding the advice that you should not jump into another relationship for a solid year after the breakup. Even if it's your idea to end things, after such a long relationship, you need some solo time to recoup, mourn the loss of a relationship that ended, and to heal and be ready for something new.

    Since you're lacking an emotional connection with your gf, you've allowed yourself to be drawn into an emotional affair with your colleague. The thing about dating co-workers is, is that if it it doesn't work out, which many new relationships don't, you have the awkward task of seeing the ex every day. And just because a colleague makes a good friend and co-worker, that doesn't always translate into a good romantic relationship. I have very pleasant co-workers who are fun to work with, which doesn't guarantee they are great spouses. Since we work in a cubicle city, I've overheard how a few of them have spoken to their spouses, and it's horrible.

    Until you've gone through all of the stresses of daily life with a partner (financial stress, illness, family issues), you can't let the fantasy of who they might be cloud your judgement.

    Make your life what you want it to be, but use your brain in combination with your heart in making your decisions. Good luck.

  7. #6
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    You are not in love with her. Listen to the reasons you did wha tyou did:
    1. i wanted her to feel secure after i cheated on her and reassure her.
    2. i felt pressured to propose to her.
    3. i wanted to do the whole family and kids thing.

    notice.. NONE of what you said was about HER. and how you see HER. and how you coudlnt' see life without HER. There was nothign about anything you said that said she was the one for you.... just that you wanted certain thigns and she was supplying them - but it was never about her SPECIFICALLY that you wanted.

    So do the right thing. Let it go.

    I agree with the others that you shouldnt' be jumping into anything new until you spend some time as a single and mvoe on from the memories and emotions of her. There is this thing called REBOUND (aka "filling the void") after a break-up in which we end up getting with somebody just to fill the void of what we just lost (a companion, a warm body next to us, somebody to do things with, somebody to talk to, etc.) WE alwyas think that's "love" but it's rebound.

    When are you ready to start a new relationship? Easy.
    1. When hearing your ex's name or seeing her or coming across somethign that triggers a memory of you and her - gets a "enh" and you move on without spending another second on her.
    2. When you find yourself thinking "i could care less if i am in a relationsihp right now or not... i'm good."

    That's when its okay and you are ready to date again.

  8. 11-29-2018, 09:20 AM

  9. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately this relationship is expired and you are both just coasting along. Do not get married. It will get worse and it would be a huge mistake for both of you. You are not ready to settle down and certainly not with a women you are no longer attracted to or get along with. It may be difficult for a while, but it would be best to end it and move out.
    Originally Posted by Redinuske
    it feels like the flame is dying between us. Conversation is a struggle, we have pety arguements but I also feel like I'm not as sexually attracted to her as I was before.. Am I just getting cold feet because I've met someone who has just livened up my life for a bit?


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