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Thread: Struggling

  1. #1
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    Struggling

    Well Iím struggling currently. My anniversary with my ex would of been on the 3rd. Feels very strange especially this time of year looming too.

    I broke NC last week, felt ok at first but then realised my ex is super confused. She was al over the place and even admitted she didnít know what she wanted/what was going on.
    I suggested meeting on a few occasions over the week and each time got rejected with she was nervous. She felt anxious.

    I asked her why did she unblocked me in the first place and reach out and was met with ĎI donít knowí

    I donít feel her intentions were to mess me around, genuinely feel she is mixed up. That doesnít stop it hurting. So I said to her we need to stop communicating. It isnít healthy and she needs to sort her out.
    Said she should delete my number to stop the temptation of reaching out.
    Sadly she just blocked me instead ( clearly to leave the door there in case she wants to communicate again )

    I realise until Iím more fully healed it wonít do neither of us any good. I still love her and care for her and feelings still run deep on both sides but lots have happened since we broke up. Think this plays on her mind a lot.

    Anyhow Iím not stupid. I know she will contact again at some point. I wonít be horrible. I know inside of I feel ready or not, strong enough to be able to not let the little things get to me. I know until I can be strong that I can not communicate with her. I wonít ignore her as Iím not rude. But I will let her know if she does reach out that it isnít the time to speak. Iím not ready to and wish her well.

    Just venting on here as itís a hard time of year. I miss the company. She was my best friend and life feels odd without her in it.

  2. #2
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    This an incredibly hard time of year to be single or going through a breakup.

    I'm confused... Who broke NC.

    Also she could have blocked you and deleted your number... As you can do both.

    How long have you been single for?

    Good thing you didn't meet we that would have confused everything for you two.

    No contact is the best way forward. Stay strong :)

  3. #3
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    Apologyís, I broke the no contact. I received a few texts which I ignored and then thought I was strong enough but clearly wasnít.i think maybe I tried to run before I even attempted to crawl.

    Been single since the end of August.

    Yes itís a difficult time of year for people.

  4. #4
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    Well, that's why a lot of folks on ENA think No Contact means no contact. You only open up old wounds and it keeps you from moving on by contacting an ex. But what's done is done.

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  6. #5
    Silver Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by monkeynuts
    I asked her why did she unblocked me in the first place and reach out and was met with ĎI donít knowí
    Given you are both still not over each other and mourning - it stands to reason both of you are doing things that you may not know why. That's what happens when you're mourning. I wouldn't push the "why" too much on either of you and just let it be.

    Originally Posted by monkeynuts
    So I said to her we need to stop communicating. It isnít healthy and she needs to sort her out. Said she should delete my number to stop the temptation of reaching out.
    It sounds to me like you BOTH need to sort things out within yourselves. Not just her. So I'd dial it back on the "it's her its her its her" type comments.

    Originally Posted by monkeynuts
    I realise until Iím more fully healed it wonít do neither of us any good. I still love her and care for her and feelings still run deep on both sides but lots have happened since we broke up. Think this plays on her mind a lot.
    See how you're always pointing it at her? It's you too. You will not heal until you just focus on yourself and quit worrying about what she needs to do. As they say, "clean your own house up first before worryign about the conditiona of other people's houses." That's great advice.

    Originally Posted by monkeynuts
    I wonít ignore her as Iím not rude. But I will let her know if she does reach out that it isnít the time to speak. Iím not ready to and wish her well.
    Why is ignoring rude? Why do you care how it appears? in the end, if people truly care, they will do what's best for all involved. And if that means looking bad in the meantime but doing what's needed for the best of everybody involved - then why not "ignore" until it's appropriate and you're both read to "not ignore anymore?" It's as simple as lettin gher know "i think we both need ot take a break from each other ... so you can both heal and mend... and once you both do.. you can talk about it then." And then ignore until that happens.

    What's the "nobility" in "being nice" to prolong the pain longer for both of you vs "looking rude" to ensure you both suffer less in the long run?

    Best lesson: pride and image are our enemies. Not our allies. Best thing any of us can learn is to let go... to learn to let it go... especially our pride and our image (or caring about our image).

    Just venting on here as itís a hard time of year. I miss the company. She was my best friend and life feels odd without her in it.[/QUOTE]

  7. #6
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    Monkeynuts, for some guys I know it is okay if she is confused, whimsical or fickle as long as not with another guy. I mean schedules can always go awry, preferences and choices change at the last minute, and so on. Canceling on the last minute, or she is nervous or anxious, those are things a guy can let slide if he really loves her. You do not have to agree with me, all I am saying is that there are very structured people and very flexible ones and those in between. The guys I am talking about have learned to adjust and have managed to be in stable relationships, although full of surprises every now and then. This is just something you might consider thinking about.

  8. #7
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    Asking why is how we learn though is it not? If I wasnít bothered and didnít question her motives or perhaps why she is up and down would show ME as a person didnít care. That it didnít effect me.
    Now days people are told too often just forget/move on though it is t always that easy. Breakups are very unlikely to be a mutual agreement and there is usually a dumper and dumpee.

    In my case it isnít just like itís ended and thatís the last contact Iíve ever had from her. Yes people on her rant about the NC being the only way to get over an ex and to heal.
    But when feelings donít just get switched off, communicating is a natural human trait. Iím not a fan of texting as itís impersonal and hard to gauge a persons emotions.
    So Iím confused by her behaviour and I make comments about Ďitís herí as it was left weeks ago by her to leave her alone and I was blocked.
    Two weeks went by and she unblocked me and sent the odd message.
    Eventually I caved and responded. Then a few days went by of intermittent texting and I asked her to meet. Why? As face to face communicating is normal. Itís how humans have done it for thousands of years.

    And what I struggled with and vented on here as I was confused by her behaviour. Itís hard when someone you were so close with is struggling with whatís going on in her head.
    Whether you call it being hot/cold or whatever. She didnít leave any breadcrumbs.

    Maybe I wrote on her as I just wish I had the answers. Since the breakup Iíve reflected. Sat with my feelings. Realise I wasnít perfect during the relationship but who is?
    Iíve accepted things Iíve done wrong and even voiced them to her over the last few months.
    I have never received any kind of acknowledgment from her that she played a part in the demise of the relationship.

    Am I daft to think we can reconcile? Maybe. It certainly wonít happen now. Iím finding it hard with the time of year and itís mad how someone who was my best friend, who once apon a time we were inseparable now gets Ďnervousí and worried about meeting me. Maybe it effects my ego as Iím made to feel like a monster. When all I have ever done is care for her.
    Yes I have been self centred after the breakup- Iím trying to figure out what went wrong. I want to understand if I can what lessons I need to learn from this. And again you donít learn unless you question.

    Do people on here know what is going through her head? Or any of the exís on any of these post? No. So why do people like me ask? Incase someone had similar experiences, have healed more and come out the other side and can maybe give insight as to why?

    Am I still confused? Yes, I think she still has feelings or wouldnít of reached out. But still having doubt, clearly. To show respect Iíve totsltotallyly backed off as clearly talking to me isnít good for her or myself.
    I want to be in a position that if she does reach out I can be in a healthy place. One where if I do ask to meet and she declines I can just shrug it off and carry on with my day.

    Am I at that point yet? No.

  9. #8
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    From previous experience, I now think that 'confused' means no interest in dating, especially if already broken up. She might be confused about what to do because women have a caring mindset and want to make sure they don't hurt you, or at least are not seen as uncaring. So she might check in by message here and there. But that usually doesn't mean they are considering getting back, especially if they broke up with you.

    She doesn't want to meet or discuss this because she doesn't want to fix it. At least not right now. She wants to move on. Whether she will maintain this decision in future, future will tell. But even if temporarily, your mindset should be to move on too. Think about small steps. You need to focus on other things in your life. It's hard but slowly it will become easier.

    Contact or no contact is secondary, what is important is your mindset of either hanging on or moving on. Very few relationships that break up end up working later in the long term. You might get a second try but the break up problems usually come back to haunt you again at some point, unless they have been worked on.

  10. #9
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    Morello - I agree. Iíve been working on my mindset. Realising trying to figure her out is futile and just delaying my healing.
    As you mentioned and the logical part of me realised if she truly wanted to Ďfixí things then it would of happened already.

    Could be a number of reasons she reached out and Iíll never know. But like you also said, it doesnít matter at the moment. Things only ever work if two people want them, and are willing to work at trying to fix said problems.

    Iíve started to take small steps, new hobbies. Managed to obtain my dream job ( start in March )
    Just want to get through this weekend, Xmas and my birthday and Iíll be happier.

    Contact seriously sets me back. So as Iíve said before I do see the merits behind it. Just need to be stronger and not give into her if she reaches out

  11. #10
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    It's alright to still struggle. I'm still struggling myself after over a year. Like you, I'm about to move on to a much better and more fulfilling future, but still I struggle because deep down, much of me still wants that future to involve my ex.

    All I can do is resign myself to moving myself forward. Keep moving forward; I will be doing the same.

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