Struggling

Well I’m struggling currently. My anniversary with my ex would of been on the 3rd. Feels very strange especially this time of year looming too.

I broke NC last week, felt ok at first but then realised my ex is super confused. She was al over the place and even admitted she didn’t know what she wanted/what was going on.

I suggested meeting on a few occasions over the week and each time got rejected with she was nervous. She felt anxious.

I asked her why did she unblocked me in the first place and reach out and was met with ‘I don’t know’

I don’t feel her intentions were to mess me around, genuinely feel she is mixed up. That doesn’t stop it hurting. So I said to her we need to stop communicating. It isn’t healthy and she needs to sort her out.

Said she should delete my number to stop the temptation of reaching out.

Sadly she just blocked me instead ( clearly to leave the door there in case she wants to communicate again )

I realise until I’m more fully healed it won’t do neither of us any good. I still love her and care for her and feelings still run deep on both sides but lots have happened since we broke up. Think this plays on her mind a lot.

Anyhow I’m not stupid. I know she will contact again at some point. I won’t be horrible. I know inside of I feel ready or not, strong enough to be able to not let the little things get to me. I know until I can be strong that I can not communicate with her. I won’t ignore her as I’m not rude. But I will let her know if she does reach out that it isn’t the time to speak. I’m not ready to and wish her well.

Just venting on here as it’s a hard time of year. I miss the company. She was my best friend and life feels odd without her in it.

This an incredibly hard time of year to be single or going through a breakup.

I'm confused... Who broke NC.

Also she could have blocked you and deleted your number... As you can do both.

How long have you been single for?

Good thing you didn't meet we that would have confused everything for you two.

No contact is the best way forward. Stay strong :)

Apology’s, I broke the no contact. I received a few texts which I ignored and then thought I was strong enough but clearly wasn’t.i think maybe I tried to run before I even attempted to crawl.

Been single since the end of August.

Yes it’s a difficult time of year for people.

Well, that's why a lot of folks on ENA think No Contact means no contact. You only open up old wounds and it keeps you from moving on by contacting an ex. But what's done is done.

I asked her why did she unblocked me in the first place and reach out and was met with ‘I don’t know’

Given you are both still not over each other and mourning - it stands to reason both of you are doing things that you may not know why. That's what happens when you're mourning. I wouldn't push the "why" too much on either of you and just let it be.

So I said to her we need to stop communicating. It isn’t healthy and she needs to sort her out. Said she should delete my number to stop the temptation of reaching out.

It sounds to me like you BOTH need to sort things out within yourselves. Not just her. So I'd dial it back on the "it's her its her its her" type comments.

I realise until I’m more fully healed it won’t do neither of us any good. I still love her and care for her and feelings still run deep on both sides but lots have happened since we broke up. Think this plays on her mind a lot.

See how you're always pointing it at her? It's you too. You will not heal until you just focus on yourself and quit worrying about what she needs to do. As they say, "clean your own house up first before worryign about the conditiona of other people's houses." That's great advice.

I won’t ignore her as I’m not rude. But I will let her know if she does reach out that it isn’t the time to speak. I’m not ready to and wish her well.

Why is ignoring rude? Why do you care how it appears? in the end, if people truly care, they will do what's best for all involved. And if that means looking bad in the meantime but doing what's needed for the best of everybody involved - then why not "ignore" until it's appropriate and you're both read to "not ignore anymore?" It's as simple as lettin gher know "i think we both need ot take a break from each other ... so you can both heal and mend... and once you both do.. you can talk about it then." And then ignore until that happens.

What's the "nobility" in "being nice" to prolong the pain longer for both of you vs "looking rude" to ensure you both suffer less in the long run?

Best lesson: pride and image are our enemies. Not our allies. Best thing any of us can learn is to let go... to learn to let it go... especially our pride and our image (or caring about our image).

Just venting on here as it’s a hard time of year. I miss the company. She was my best friend and life feels odd without her in it.

Monkeynuts, for some guys I know it is okay if she is confused, whimsical or fickle as long as not with another guy. I mean schedules can always go awry, preferences and choices change at the last minute, and so on. Canceling on the last minute, or she is nervous or anxious, those are things a guy can let slide if he really loves her. You do not have to agree with me, all I am saying is that there are very structured people and very flexible ones and those in between. The guys I am talking about have learned to adjust and have managed to be in stable relationships, although full of surprises every now and then. This is just something you might consider thinking about.

Asking why is how we learn though is it not? If I wasn’t bothered and didn’t question her motives or perhaps why she is up and down would show ME as a person didn’t care. That it didn’t effect me.

Now days people are told too often just forget/move on though it is t always that easy. Breakups are very unlikely to be a mutual agreement and there is usually a dumper and dumpee.

In my case it isn’t just like it’s ended and that’s the last contact I’ve ever had from her. Yes people on her rant about the NC being the only way to get over an ex and to heal.

But when feelings don’t just get switched off, communicating is a natural human trait. I’m not a fan of texting as it’s impersonal and hard to gauge a persons emotions.

So I’m confused by her behaviour and I make comments about ‘it’s her’ as it was left weeks ago by her to leave her alone and I was blocked.

Two weeks went by and she unblocked me and sent the odd message.

Eventually I caved and responded. Then a few days went by of intermittent texting and I asked her to meet. Why? As face to face communicating is normal. It’s how humans have done it for thousands of years.

And what I struggled with and vented on here as I was confused by her behaviour. It’s hard when someone you were so close with is struggling with what’s going on in her head.

Whether you call it being hot/cold or whatever. She didn’t leave any breadcrumbs.

Maybe I wrote on her as I just wish I had the answers. Since the breakup I’ve reflected. Sat with my feelings. Realise I wasn’t perfect during the relationship but who is?

I’ve accepted things I’ve done wrong and even voiced them to her over the last few months.

I have never received any kind of acknowledgment from her that she played a part in the demise of the relationship.

Am I daft to think we can reconcile? Maybe. It certainly won’t happen now. I’m finding it hard with the time of year and it’s mad how someone who was my best friend, who once apon a time we were inseparable now gets ‘nervous’ and worried about meeting me. Maybe it effects my ego as I’m made to feel like a monster. When all I have ever done is care for her.

Yes I have been self centred after the breakup- I’m trying to figure out what went wrong. I want to understand if I can what lessons I need to learn from this. And again you don’t learn unless you question.

Do people on here know what is going through her head? Or any of the ex’s on any of these post? No. So why do people like me ask? Incase someone had similar experiences, have healed more and come out the other side and can maybe give insight as to why?

Am I still confused? Yes, I think she still has feelings or wouldn’t of reached out. But still having doubt, clearly. To show respect I’ve totsltotallyly backed off as clearly talking to me isn’t good for her or myself.

I want to be in a position that if she does reach out I can be in a healthy place. One where if I do ask to meet and she declines I can just shrug it off and carry on with my day.

Am I at that point yet? No.

From previous experience, I now think that 'confused' means no interest in dating, especially if already broken up. She might be confused about what to do because women have a caring mindset and want to make sure they don't hurt you, or at least are not seen as uncaring. So she might check in by message here and there. But that usually doesn't mean they are considering getting back, especially if they broke up with you.

She doesn't want to meet or discuss this because she doesn't want to fix it. At least not right now. She wants to move on. Whether she will maintain this decision in future, future will tell. But even if temporarily, your mindset should be to move on too. Think about small steps. You need to focus on other things in your life. It's hard but slowly it will become easier.

Contact or no contact is secondary, what is important is your mindset of either hanging on or moving on. Very few relationships that break up end up working later in the long term. You might get a second try but the break up problems usually come back to haunt you again at some point, unless they have been worked on.

Morello - I agree. I’ve been working on my mindset. Realising trying to figure her out is futile and just delaying my healing.

As you mentioned and the logical part of me realised if she truly wanted to ‘fix’ things then it would of happened already.

Could be a number of reasons she reached out and I’ll never know. But like you also said, it doesn’t matter at the moment. Things only ever work if two people want them, and are willing to work at trying to fix said problems.

I’ve started to take small steps, new hobbies. Managed to obtain my dream job ( start in March )

Just want to get through this weekend, Xmas and my birthday and I’ll be happier.

Contact seriously sets me back. So as I’ve said before I do see the merits behind it. Just need to be stronger and not give into her if she reaches out

It's alright to still struggle. I'm still struggling myself after over a year. Like you, I'm about to move on to a much better and more fulfilling future, but still I struggle because deep down, much of me still wants that future to involve my ex.

All I can do is resign myself to moving myself forward. Keep moving forward; I will be doing the same.

It’s strange why we hold onto that fantasy. It’s hard to sit in the moment, to learn to be by yourself when for so long I was in a partnership.

I’m starting to reflect how much of this ‘miss’ ‘want’ is down to my ego and self esteem. Heck as the title of this topic I’m struggling. Not just with the emotions or feelings I have towards my ex. But confusion whether it’s her I truly miss or other aspects. I’m wobbling around trying to make heads or tails of not what happened anymore as such - but more why do I feel like I’am?

I think I’ve moved past a certain stage of the grieving process. I no longer think as such ‘if I did that’ or ‘if I said or did this’

I may have the fleeting moment thinking these things but I can tell I’m onto what do I actually feel? Why do I feel like this? Starting to explore the possibilities everything wasn’t hunky Dory. Perhaps this is those magical rose tinted glasses starting to slip off my nose?

I can see this as a journey. A journey I have to take alone. I need to look inside and get myself back to a happier place. One where I no longer have thoughts about my ex. Where I do not need to seek validation in the form of female company.

Where I can sit in the moment and just....well....be.

Starting yoga tonight. Looking forward to it. Basically booked every evening up with yoga or CrossFit so I don’t have any free time to sit and dwell.

You're doing good buddy*

It's tough and it is a journey, but you're doing the right things.

There'll still be good days and bad days but you'll inch forward.

Keep it moving*

Carus*

Today hasn’t been a good day, why? Not sure. Hoping the weekend becomes eventful and I change my mindset.

Struggling with keeping my mind occupied. Sleeping pattern gone haywire again. Wishing this would all just stop. Feeling like this all because I was dumped? Or am I? Also wondering is there a Moreno underlying reason I feel like this?

Have thought whether I have a loneliness fear?

Have dabbled at online dating but just not that interested. Can’t seem to click with anyone. Maybe the energy I’m letting off just isn’t true and a healed person.

Going to take the dog out for a walk. Hope the air can bring some clairfty to a confused soul

You're doing great Monkey. There will always be slip ups, but it's the realisation that breaking NC was a mistake that will preventing it happening again.

I'm an advocate of venting on here rather than holding it in, or worse making you reach out.

I too have questioned why I feel how I do over something as trivial (in the grand scheme of things) as a break up. You can't help it, but what you can do is occupy you time and mind on other things - dog walk is great way of getting some exercise and clear the head.

It’s strange, I thought I was recovering well.

I posted something the other day about online dating. Something someone said really hit home. You shouldnt even really be thinking about dating until your ex no longer plays a part of your daily thoughts.

Did I think I was healing rather quickly. Oh boy I did. And oh boy how wrong was I.

Call it a wobble? Call it a massive wave that I’m riding. Something the last few days has been hard. Do I know what it’s stemmed from....yes!

Well I had to reset my iPhone the other day. Noticed a few days later old contacts appeared, one being my ex!

You it showed her face on my WhatsApp which came as a shock as my last blurt on here was about how she blocked/deleted me for the second time.

Moment of weakness, call it what you want I sent her a message saying ‘hey just noticed I’m not blocked anymore’

She replied with a ‘hey don’t know how that happened sorry.

Told her it’s cool not to worry. She asked how I was. I said good and asked back. Got the same response. And I didn’t reply after that.

Now yes queue people slagging me for breaking no contact :/ why did I do it? I really don’t know. Sight me on a off day when I was stuck in resting a sprained ankle. I regret it yes. Still shows I’m bothered by things.

Plus I broke nc....was up to 23 days which was a lot for me.

Anyhow guess I’ve been finding it difficult. Not knowing my feelings? Being in a sense on confusion myself? This time of year I miss the companionship.

It’s a weird Christmas as it’s the first one without my grandmother ( I helped care for her up until she died back in June )

I find myself struggling with my thoughts/feelings/emotions.

Realise I’m no where near ready to meet anyone else. I need to continue doing the things I’am. I’m trying to use this time to look within. Figure things out to rebuild myself stronger and more resilient.

I know the situation with my ex is out of my control. Maybe that’s what I struggle with is not having any control?

It was weird having that communication with her the other day though. Felt like I was having a causal conversation with a stranger. I understand now more than ever about breaking no contact. The expectations you have in your head come crashing down and it’s just reopened the scab all over again.

Perhaps I’m using this post as a vent. I don’t want to bother family or friends. They think I should be long over her. They see she messed me around so much how can I still be cut up over her.

During my breakup I e looked within. Realised some of my issues. Low Self esteem. Ego. Have all played a part in my entire relationship with her.

I guess a question to people as I have never been quite this torn up before is how do you start to put the pieces back together? How can you constructively learn from them. I’m reaslising it wasn’t all my fault. That I did endure a lot of blame which I’m slowly starting to realise wasn’t the case.

Talking to her, although 3/4 messages has reset the clock. The scab has bled again and I’m back there. I’m not after ‘I told you so’ from people. I just perplexed what drove me to message her. Whether I still have so many unanswered questions and underneath it all I’m still sooo confused with everything

Well recieved a text off my ex wishing me a happy birthday and Shen hoped I had a nice Christmas.

Is this a breadcrumb? Quite weird receiving a text from her after everything. Granted she is prob being civil but random message out the blue.

Don’t think I’ll reply. If I do will just be a ‘thanks’

Guess just seeking people’s opinions. I’m not trying to read into any hidden message behind it.

Just don’t understand why the contact

Yep. Just reply "Thanks. You too".

Then just keep it movin'...

She may be back in touch but keep your cards close to your chest.

You've done so much work and come so far.

Don't falter now.

BTW: I heard nada from mine, but she'll be somewhere with her newby.

May she be blessed.

May she be loved.

May she be happy.

And may we find peace in our hearts*

Carus*

Cheers Carus.

It had been on my mind would she try reach out over Christmas, but then when messaging me for my birthday really just shows she is still there, in the background. Clearly doesn’t want me to forget about her.

Funny whether it’s a mind game, or sincere! Either way very odd to even send a text considering we don’t speak anymore.

Like I said I’m not reading into it, I don’t think there is any hidden meaning that she wants me! Just find it amusing that she reached out