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Thread: Struggling

  1. #11
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    Itís strange why we hold onto that fantasy. Itís hard to sit in the moment, to learn to be by yourself when for so long I was in a partnership.

    Iím starting to reflect how much of this Ďmissí Ďwantí is down to my ego and self esteem. Heck as the title of this topic Iím struggling. Not just with the emotions or feelings I have towards my ex. But confusion whether itís her I truly miss or other aspects. Iím wobbling around trying to make heads or tails of not what happened anymore as such - but more why do I feel like Iíam?

    I think Iíve moved past a certain stage of the grieving process. I no longer think as such Ďif I did thatí or Ďif I said or did thisí
    I may have the fleeting moment thinking these things but I can tell Iím onto what do I actually feel? Why do I feel like this? Starting to explore the possibilities everything wasnít hunky Dory. Perhaps this is those magical rose tinted glasses starting to slip off my nose?

    I can see this as a journey. A journey I have to take alone. I need to look inside and get myself back to a happier place. One where I no longer have thoughts about my ex. Where I do not need to seek validation in the form of female company.
    Where I can sit in the moment and just....well....be.

    Starting yoga tonight. Looking forward to it. Basically booked every evening up with yoga or CrossFit so I donít have any free time to sit and dwell.
    Last edited by monkeynuts; 12-02-2018 at 07:27 AM.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    You're doing good buddy*

    It's tough and it is a journey, but you're doing the right things.

    There'll still be good days and bad days but you'll inch forward.

    Keep it moving*

    Carus*

  3. #13
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    Today hasnít been a good day, why? Not sure. Hoping the weekend becomes eventful and I change my mindset.

    Struggling with keeping my mind occupied. Sleeping pattern gone haywire again. Wishing this would all just stop. Feeling like this all because I was dumped? Or am I? Also wondering is there a Moreno underlying reason I feel like this?
    Have thought whether I have a loneliness fear?

    Have dabbled at online dating but just not that interested. Canít seem to click with anyone. Maybe the energy Iím letting off just isnít true and a healed person.

    Going to take the dog out for a walk. Hope the air can bring some clairfty to a confused soul

  4. #14
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    You're doing great Monkey. There will always be slip ups, but it's the realisation that breaking NC was a mistake that will preventing it happening again.

    I'm an advocate of venting on here rather than holding it in, or worse making you reach out.

    I too have questioned why I feel how I do over something as trivial (in the grand scheme of things) as a break up. You can't help it, but what you can do is occupy you time and mind on other things - dog walk is great way of getting some exercise and clear the head.

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  6. #15
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    Itís strange, I thought I was recovering well.

    I posted something the other day about online dating. Something someone said really hit home. You shouldnt even really be thinking about dating until your ex no longer plays a part of your daily thoughts.
    Did I think I was healing rather quickly. Oh boy I did. And oh boy how wrong was I.

    Call it a wobble? Call it a massive wave that Iím riding. Something the last few days has been hard. Do I know what itís stemmed from....yes!

    Well I had to reset my iPhone the other day. Noticed a few days later old contacts appeared, one being my ex!
    You it showed her face on my WhatsApp which came as a shock as my last blurt on here was about how she blocked/deleted me for the second time.

    Moment of weakness, call it what you want I sent her a message saying Ďhey just noticed Iím not blocked anymoreí
    She replied with a Ďhey donít know how that happened sorry.
    Told her itís cool not to worry. She asked how I was. I said good and asked back. Got the same response. And I didnít reply after that.

    Now yes queue people slagging me for breaking no contact :/ why did I do it? I really donít know. Sight me on a off day when I was stuck in resting a sprained ankle. I regret it yes. Still shows Iím bothered by things.
    Plus I broke nc....was up to 23 days which was a lot for me.

    Anyhow guess Iíve been finding it difficult. Not knowing my feelings? Being in a sense on confusion myself? This time of year I miss the companionship.
    Itís a weird Christmas as itís the first one without my grandmother ( I helped care for her up until she died back in June )
    I find myself struggling with my thoughts/feelings/emotions.

    Realise Iím no where near ready to meet anyone else. I need to continue doing the things Iíam. Iím trying to use this time to look within. Figure things out to rebuild myself stronger and more resilient.

    I know the situation with my ex is out of my control. Maybe thatís what I struggle with is not having any control?
    It was weird having that communication with her the other day though. Felt like I was having a causal conversation with a stranger. I understand now more than ever about breaking no contact. The expectations you have in your head come crashing down and itís just reopened the scab all over again.

    Perhaps Iím using this post as a vent. I donít want to bother family or friends. They think I should be long over her. They see she messed me around so much how can I still be cut up over her.

    During my breakup I e looked within. Realised some of my issues. Low Self esteem. Ego. Have all played a part in my entire relationship with her.

    I guess a question to people as I have never been quite this torn up before is how do you start to put the pieces back together? How can you constructively learn from them. Iím reaslising it wasnít all my fault. That I did endure a lot of blame which Iím slowly starting to realise wasnít the case.

    Talking to her, although 3/4 messages has reset the clock. The scab has bled again and Iím back there. Iím not after ĎI told you soí from people. I just perplexed what drove me to message her. Whether I still have so many unanswered questions and underneath it all Iím still sooo confused with everything

  7. #16
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    Well recieved a text off my ex wishing me a happy birthday and Shen hoped I had a nice Christmas.

    Is this a breadcrumb? Quite weird receiving a text from her after everything. Granted she is prob being civil but random message out the blue.

    Donít think Iíll reply. If I do will just be a Ďthanksí

    Guess just seeking peopleís opinions. Iím not trying to read into any hidden message behind it.

    Just donít understand why the contact

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Yep. Just reply "Thanks. You too".

    Then just keep it movin'...

    She may be back in touch but keep your cards close to your chest.

    You've done so much work and come so far.

    Don't falter now.

    BTW: I heard nada from mine, but she'll be somewhere with her newby.

    May she be blessed.
    May she be loved.
    May she be happy.
    And may we find peace in our hearts*

    Carus*

  9. #18
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    Cheers Carus.

    It had been on my mind would she try reach out over Christmas, but then when messaging me for my birthday really just shows she is still there, in the background. Clearly doesnít want me to forget about her.

    Funny whether itís a mind game, or sincere! Either way very odd to even send a text considering we donít speak anymore.

    Like I said Iím not reading into it, I donít think there is any hidden meaning that she wants me! Just find it amusing that she reached out

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