What to do, She kissed another guy and other issues

So i discovered that my partner of 9 years regularly chats with a guy she met once and had a sexual encounter with about 6 months before we met.

theres lots of innuendos, but what has really annoyed me is that she asked him to come visit her when she was playing a team sport to which he did and they chatted and they had a hug, she has invited him to watch on several other occasions but he has replied with hes been busy,

and then i also discovered that when she was really drunk she was messaging him and asked him why they never got together, He responded with "that she wants answers that he cant be bothered giving, and an answer wont matter" she replied with "Maybe answers might change the situation" he said "i dont think so" She replied again that Maybe an answer might make a difference.

I dont deal with conflict or negative situations very well and did not talk to her at the time about this situation, needless to say the guy was decent enough and told her that he wasnt going to continue with the banter anymore and hasnt been in touch since.

So that is situation #1 where shes messaging talking to a guy she met before me.

Now just this week i will admit that i did something stupid and took a photo of a girl from behind that was wearing very sheer clothing, i showed this picture to an associate and somehow it was reported in the work place,

so because of the work issue i thought i should discuss the situation with the partner, she said i was dumb and it was stupid thing to do but she was supportive at the time,

that night she went to a 20 year high school reunion i dropped her off to it as i had a work function on as well, after mine i went home and was waiting for ages for her to call me to pick her up, and somehow it go really late and i fell asleep, I woke up at 3.30am and she wasnt home and there was no message from her, so i messaged as i was a little panicked, and the conversation came back was very short and not normally the messages i get from her.

20 minutes later she was home and she said she shared an Uber home, all good went back to sleep, but when we both got up the next day although she was hungover she was very distant with me, we went to bed relatively early on Sunday night and then i fell asleep only to be woken up at around 11pm to her talking on the phone, she was putting on pants and went outside, the next morning i asked what was going on and she said that her friend was messaging her from the UK and she went stuff it i have 300 minutes of talk time she would call them, yeah ok.

When she went in the shower i dont know what prompted me to check her messages and the message i read was "Can i please call you, i did something stupid last night and i need to talk"

Needless to say when she came out of the shower I immediatley confronted her and asked her "The thing you did on saturday night how stupid was it?" she said very stupid and i pressed more and she said she kissed and fondled a guy from the reunion, it turns out this guy she also had history with not long before we met.

When asked why she said she thinks it was because she was actually hurt by what i had done and she just easily slipped into it,

Im angry, but then is say it was a retaliatory single kiss that i can sort of accept as a punishment, but then i go back to all this other history of the other guy and now im open ive confronted her with but she keeps leaving out or lying about the information.

where do i go, what do i say, i do love her but jeez if she can easily do this all this time with the chatting, and then my indescretion is no where near as bad and she responds with an outlash, how long can a relationship last for

Oh boy, this seems like a very bad situation. It seems as though she is attention seeking and in the case of the reunion, she is cheating on you. Someone in a committed, loving relationship isn’t going to seek out attention from other men. What is your relationship like otherwise? Given the texts to the other guy and now the reunion, I would definitely say she is unhappy and seeking that attention elsewhere, your indiscretion being the excuse for her behavior. I’m my opinion, there’s no going back from that.. I would automatically wonder how many other people did this happen with... how many other stupid things. Also, what possessed you to take a picture of another woman sheer clothing or not? Neither of you seem like you are happy, are you just going through the motions? You need to have an open honest conversation about what happened and decide how to continue. Once you lose trust, it’s very hard to get it back. Good luck

It sounds like she is looking to jump ship. For whatever reasons, she is not happy in your relationship or she wouldn't be seeking attention elsewhere. Imo, you would be best off breaking up. Regardless of who is in the wrong for what, she has demonstrated twice that she cannot be trusted. She is liable to go seeking affection elsewhere whenever something is wrong in the relationship and that is a destructive way to handle things. Carrying on would be a waste of time imo. No trust = no relationship and she has demonstrated that you cannot trust her not to go behind your back whenever your relationship is in trouble.

well the good news is... the reunion thing is a small thing (not good thing, but small thing) and you can toss it. Ultimately she had the opportunity to cheat and betray you and instead stood by you by refusing the guy to the point he's begging to apologize to her b/c "HE DID SOMETHIGN STUPID". So she got your back on that one. She pulled the "i have a man.. i cna't do this... bye.." And yes, women tend to think in terms of revenge so yes it's reasonable (if you know women) that she wanted to exact a bit of revenge to you for your work photo thing. CLUE: DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

the bad news is... this ex- of hers. She still has something for him. Now.. it may not be enough that she ever does anything about it, but she clearly has something for him or atlesat just "if i could change things" things. Lucky for you the guy has no interest in your girl and so it is NOT going to happen. and the whole throwing herself at him may be BECAUSE he is not going there with her and females hate rejection. And sub-consciosly maybe she feels safe opening up like that b/c she knows deep down he isn't going for it and thus nothign will ever happen. Still.. the ex- sitaution is a bit concerning.

But that can be handled very quickly and easily. You can play that game too and use the same thing on her. Just tell her, not in a mad way, but in an "understanding way" that you know she still has a thing for him... you can tell.. and that all you ever wanted for her is to be completely happy. and you'd nevr want to hold her back from happiness. So you are giving her the chance to think about it and decide who it is she wants.. him or you. No hard feelings. But it's time and it's best for "all involved" - that she think hard and make that decision and then all of you don't have to look back and can move forward.

now WE KNOW... she's goign to choose you b/c that guy is not going there or interested in her. So she woudl never choose him and risk it. BUT LETS' JUST SAY SHE DOES, it means you were nevr the one anywa and she was going to leave you at some point (if anybody is going to choose something with zero certainty over something that's already good - they'll never stick with you regardless). But it DOES send the message.. "you can lose me if you're not careful... we're either in this 100% or you don't get to have me" but in a "good way" she can understand.

This is just my suggestion (but i know it would work and send the message once and for all to her). I"m sure others will have a lot of other ideas they'd suggest otherwise.

Good luck and hang in there.

What is the outcome you want?

for us to work on it and to stay together

I'm sorry OP, but your girl has checked out of your relationship and is already shopping for your replacement. And it's not only in retaliation for your sneaky photo, though I understand why she would be angry and creeped out by that.

My guess would also be that more happened with this other guy than she is telling you. People who cheat generally only admit to a little bit of what actually happened.

Anyhoo,

i love some of the responses on here, I know they are just peoples opinions, fortunatley i don't knee jerk my reactions and we have sat down and talked through all of these issues.

Guy number 1, she never actually was asking why they didn't work out, she wanted to know why with all of the flirting that he has done over the years, why he never asked, she showed me the entire history of chat and it was all 1 way from him and i can understand why anyone would ask what she did.

As for the second issue, i've never seen a person that emotionally distraught and cry so hard over her actions, I Have chosen to forgive her this as i can appreciate her reaction to my problem (yes i get little panic/anxiety flutters) sometimes when i think about it, but it is time to move on.

We have talked and talked and we have both pointed out that we are both as bad as each other in discussing our feelings and that its something that we are going to both work on.

Thanks anyway for your feedback, my advice to all is to slow down and think on your problems, try to talk it through very early on and dont knee jerk your emotions as they are likely to get you in trouble.

All cheaters cry you know. It really means nothing. And FYI, she is just with you because she hasn't found anyone that actually wants her so far. I guarantee you, if the first guy or any guy actually expressed interest she would jump ship. She emotionally cheated for so long and physically cheated on you (so bet that reunion guy wasn't the first nor the last guy) and I'm sorry but if you stay, you are asking to be screwed over again and again. Have a bit of self respect and leave. Don't be a chump.

Oh and your actions were creepy as fck. Don't do it again.