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Personality over Looks?


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I’m not sure where to start with this one so I’ll dive right in, for the last few weeks I’ve been talking to/dated a woman who I’ve met through a colleague at work. We were introduced because my colleague thought she would be a good fit for me knowing my personality type.

She was right, in all honesty she could be the female me, we are into the same movies, we go to the same gigs and festivals, we vacation to the same destinations, we share the same hobbies, we have the same sense of humour, it’s so odd as everything just seems to click and the amount of coincidence is unreal.

But, and it feels horrible to say this, she wouldn’t be my “type” in regards to looks and what I usually go for in a partner. She’s not overweight, doesn’t have some sort of deformity or anything like that and she is pretty/cute in a geeky kind of way but worlds different to what I’ve dated in the past (my last partner looked like Taylor Swift, the one before her like Jennifer Lawrence anyway you get the idea... I seem to date a lot of blondes...).

 

I guess I don’t really know what I’m asking here, maybe I thought it would be best to put it down in writing so I could try and make more sense of it, in the one hand I’ve met someone who I would never thought existed but in the other they are not physically what I’m usually attracted to.... quite the conundrum, how do you think I should proceed, do I continue to have a few more dates and see if the attraction grows or do I look to finish things now before it goes any further?

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LOL...you men. My last bf of 5 years...I had NO sexual attraction to him at all. Even tho he did for me. It took awhile before I even noticed his personality. We belonged to the same meetup. 10 months later I still hadn't kissed him. We had gotten to the hand holding stage....seeing and talking to each other daily. But I just couldn't picture myself KISSING him. Finally he said he was gonna move on. I was devastated. He went out with another woman. I cried. Finally...I let him kiss me. DAMNATION! I mean I was in my late 50's and never kissed like that. He threw me against the car and whew!!!!!! Soooo....even tho I never found him attractive PHYSICALLY...we had the best sex and the best sense of humor.

 

Now my sister had a list of things she wanted in a man. She ALWAYS dated very tall guys. She wanted someone who had never been married....no baggage. She wanted Catholic...her religion. She wanted her political affiliation.

 

She ended up marrying a short guy, been married 30 years. 5 adult kids. Baptist. But the same political leanings....lol

 

so in other words......not her type.

 

After their 2nd date, he said he thought he was falling in love with her. She told me she wasn't even sure if she LIKED him yet.

 

They've been married 10 years.

 

You don't have to have this instant connection. Feeling take time to grow. Haven't you ever heard that saying....Be friends first. Kids these days think everything has to be LOVE at first sight....weak in the knees, drop dead gorgeous.

 

I ask you....how did your good looking girls turn out? They're your ex's aren't they.

 

Maybe give the girl with tons of personality and everything in common a good shot. Be flirtatious. She might just surprise you....and end up being HOT!

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But, and it feels horrible to say this, she wouldn’t be my “type” in regards to looks and what I usually go for in a partner. She’s not overweight, doesn’t have some sort of deformity or anything like that and she is pretty/cute in a geeky kind of way but worlds different to what I’ve dated in the past (my last partner looked like Taylor Swift, the one before her like Jennifer Lawrence anyway you get the idea... I seem to date a lot of blondes...).

 

 

Is it not interesting that that women who look like celebrities did not last with you. Perhaps they didn't have thge same interests as you and thus became boring? Yet, this one that seems to click on all other areas, doesn't look like someone else and thus doesn't pique your interest as much. It seems that your expectations are already set, so I would suggest ending it now or just remaining as friends.

 

 

 

 

On a side note, the same happened with me and Pippy. I was expecting Longstockings, but all I got was Baggystocking. I had to let her down gently. (Sorry, Pip, I just can't seem to help myself!)

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It's tricky one some people are very driven on initail physical attraction.

 

You've pointed out she is not your "type" but is at least cute!

 

Depends on how you would like to proceed and if physical attraction can grow.

 

One of my long term bf's I started off as his friend. Literally had no physical attraction for him as he was no my "type". Complete opposite to my type in so many ways physically.

 

But... We "clicked" as we had so much in common. Eventually feelings eventually grew for me and we ended up physical. I'm still waiting to find someone to blow me away like he did!

 

So despite not having anu physical attraction for him in the beginning it proved to kick in eventually.

 

The reason for the split was nothing to do with our levels of attraction for each other as there were other issues.

 

So you could give it a go but try not to lead her on. If you know there is no way you can see yourself atracted to her. Don't just have sex with her to see if it will change.

 

If you have that strict type find the Taylor lookalike.

 

I'm a person who despite having a type I need an emotional connection with someone. I had that with my ex. So dismissed he didn't look like what I initially fancy.

 

Just be careful with her feelings.

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Dude, seriously though, Taylor Swift and Jennifer Lawrence??!! I mean, if they really looked like that then you're lucky you can get women like that! But keep in mind that most women (or people in general) don't look like models or Hollywood actresses. Or if they do now, they won't when they're older. I understand that attraction is important but to have such a high standard as only dating women that look like gorgeous Hollywood celebrities in my opinion is just ridiculous. Not many people you meet will look like that AND have a click with you, be a good match for you and be looking for the same things. So essentially you would not be leaving yourself many options for a partner and may end up alone. Personally you sound a bit shallow to me but at the end of the day if you can't bring yourself to be attracted to this woman, then you shouldn't waste her time or yours. I guess also you can't just get feelings and attraction for someone just because they're a great match for you on paper.

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You're either attracted to her or you're not. Everyone has a "type." And nearly everyone has been attracted to someone who's not their traditional "type." If she fits neither category, then do her the favor of nexting her. Speaking personally, I can't say I know too many people who would be thrilled to find out the person they're dating, never mind committed to, wasn't attracted to them. I'd feel like an ***hole putting someone in that position.

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Physical sexual chemistry is either there or not. If you aren't feeling it, then move on. Sounds like you met a great female friend but that's all. You really need both - personality and sexual chemistry for a relationship to work. These are not mutually exclusive one over the other kind of things. Too often when people get "bullied" by the don't be so shallow crowds into carrying on like this, what actually happens is a few years down the road you end up cheating or dumping them for someone else where you do feel chemistry. The lack of it catches up with you eventually. Don't do that to her or to yourself. Keep on looking.

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Agree with others but wanted to add, being so much alike, the female version of you, same interests, same sense of humor, etc does not automatically translate to great romantic chemistry.

 

In fact what I have found is, while it's nice to agree on things, opposites attract.

 

I'm typically attracted to men who have a different nature and style from me, and vice versa.

 

He's yang to my yin so to speak.

 

It sounds like you think you "should" be attracted to her cause your natures and styles seem to fit, but physical/sexual attraction involves more than that - it's a sort of energy/chemistry that you can both feel. That's the "click." Not common interests and similar personalities

 

For me, while physical attraction is very important, mutual energy/chemistry trumps looks or anything else superficial, like job, car, status, etc.

 

When that's happening, he becomes sexually attractive "to me."

 

JMO

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I posted a question about chemistry the other day. The consensus I got was... give the person a chance and get to know them a little bit before you decide there are no fireworks. As others have said... sometimes we are resistant to dating someone that isn't our "type" for whatever reason even if that person is exactly what we want in every other way.

 

It seems like you might get validation from dating good looking women vs. women that stimulate you intellectually and emotionally.... at the end of the day as others have said, Jennifer Lawrence and Taylor Swift are nowhere to be found so perhaps that isn't working for you the way you would like it to.

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I would want to know if you want the blondes who look like models as arm candy/trophy so others will ooh and ahh -others who find it 'lucky" that you attracted someone who looks like a model -or is it that you are not sexually/physically attracted to this person? It's important to distinguish. If the former I'd say consider whether you can reevaluate whether it's that important for you to have arm candy. If the latter and you don't feel attraction growing or the potential for a spark, then move on and let her find someone who has physical chemistry with her. She deserves that of course.

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It's a great opportunity to learn something about yourself.

I think a lot of us have had this experience, where we challenged ourselves and our habits, tried to see something differently and in turn learned a valuable lesson for having done so.

 

I can't say if she's the right girl for you. Physical attraction is huge. But compatibility and personalities that mesh can be intoxicating.

I say go into it with an open mind and see what happens.

You might surprise yourself.

 

The first time I did online dating, years ago, I did everything wrong. I spent weeks talking to man who didn't have picture. He ultimately emailed me one but it was still too hard to tell what he looked like. When I finally met him, my heart sunk. He was attractive, but not might `type'

That and in the absence of knowing what he really looked like I filled in the blanks of what I wanted him to look like. I immediately friend zoned him. We stayed friends, both supporting each other through our divorces (again another bad mistake) and ultimately I fell in love with him. I finally experienced what it felt like to fall in love with your best friend. And I am glad I gave it a chance. I learned a lot about love and myself for having done so.

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If you think she is cute, then it might be worth it to give it a chance. Had you said that you find her unattractive, my advice would be to move on. But if your problem is that she is not as hot as the previous girls, then you may want to reevaluate what you value more in a partner at the end of the day. Imo, spending time with someone who treats us right and with whom we have a good time tends to make them more beautiful in our eyes as time goes by. That is provided that we don't have set preconceived notions set in stone and we see people as the multidimensional beings that they are. It sounds like your exes were superior in the looks dimension but lacked in the character dimension.

 

Reading your post I also wondered whether you feel that you are "out of her league" lookwise. What about your looks? Are you cute or movie star attractive like the exes you mentioned? It has been my observation that a relationship tends to be more stable when partners fall within the same league so to speak. Imo, large inequalities are indeed liable to create imbalances. If you are not a (enter young hot male actor's name here) lookalike then that might be one of the reasons why you have trouble holding down a relationship with your "type".

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Taylor Swift Jennifer Lawrence

 

Meh, if you have said Margot Robbie or Megan Fox I would understand but Taylor Swift and Jennifer Lawrence, pff,big deal.

 

My opinion is that if you find her cute you should give it a try. But if you find her unattractive and there is no chemistry whatsoever, just stay friends, no need to break her heart/create a mess for no reason.

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Reading your post I also wondered whether you feel that you are "out of her league" lookwise. What about your looks? Are you cute or movie star attractive like the exes you mentioned? It has been my observation that a relationship tends to be more stable when partners fall within the same league so to speak. Imo, large inequalities are indeed liable to create imbalances. If you are not a (enter young hot male actor's name here) lookalike then that might be one of the reasons why you have trouble holding down a relationship with your "type".

 

Great point!

 

I'm interested in seeing what the OP has to say about this...

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hey buddy... here's a tip. how reliable is the "one i usually go for" doing for you?

RIGHT! You're single! :)

 

Here's the quote: "insanity is doing the same things over again, yet expecting a different result."

Adapted for dating: "insanity is dating the same types over and over again, yet expecting a different result."

 

Dating is just as much about learning about people )not just your dates) and learning about what TRUE compabtility is. Some learn faster. Some learn slower. some don't even realize they haven't been learning. While some dont' realize how much they've learned. If you're smart (and remember.. its' better to work SMARTER, not HARDER..), keep going out with this gal. Try somethign new. Try something you don't normally try. You just never know how it might turn out.

 

Good luck and just have fun and see where it goes (best way to approach any dating regardless of what you "think" or "predict" will happen between you two based on some predetermiend "checklist")...

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