Please advise me.

I really need advice or someone to talk to on a matter that’s really screwing me up. My girlfriend and me have been together for 3.5 years and generally, it is going great and it has been the best time of my life. I can’t even begin to explain how much I love her. She is the most amazing human I have ever met, the most generous, warm-hearted and genuine person I could imagine. What makes what I did even more despicable; what makes me even more of a piece of .

To understand a little more about me, I was pretty much a “player” before I met her. Slept with a lot of girls, loved the “hunt”, all that bull. When I met her, all of that was over. I didn’t care about other girls anymore, didn’t even want to look at others. I am by no means a perfect boyfriend; I have many shortcomings (way too little patience, not romantic enough apparently, not always fair to my partner), but I swear to God, I love this girl and would literally give my life for her, right now, right here. Wouldn’t even think about it for one second. But I gotta be honest here. After about 2 years of my relationship with her, I started noticing other girls again. Started looking when there was a pretty girl, and not being able to shake that interest in other girls. Not that I did anything about it (just looked or would make a comment like “Yup, she’s hot). I despite guys who cheat and continue to do so because their partner doesn’t find out. I know way too many guys like that. They cheat, sleep with other girls, and apparently don’t even feel bad. I never wanted to be like that (or want to, for that matter). But the general interest in other girls was just there, I can’t deny that. I hated it, tried to ignore it, but it was/is there. I don’t know if all guys have that and are just good at not doing anything about it or not, but for me, I can’t deny that other girls occasionally cross my mind.

Anyways, long story short, my girlfriend and I have been doing long distance (different countries) or about 2,5 months now and overall, it’s been going great. Until one night where I drank (way) too much and this girl started hitting on me. To say it from the start, I didn’t sleep with her or anything. Neither did I kiss or even remotely try to kiss her. She started telling me I was cute and that she wanted my number, to which I replied that I had a girlfriend and couldn’t do that. So far, so good. My drunk ass was still smart enough to say that. But over the course of the night, she continued and at this point, I was pretty wasted. For some reason (and this is where it gets bad), I touched her butt a couple of times. She was pretty attractive and for some reason, I couldn’t resist doing it. She then told me to come home with her, which I declined. But I must have touched her butt at least 4 or 5 times. I didn’t try to kiss her or anything, but I still did this. In addition, I held her hand for like 2 minutes or so after she had told me how lonely she was and that this guy had broken her heart. Again, no ing clue why I would do something as stupid as this (why are us men so freaking simple and dumb?), but for some reason I felt really bad for her. I’m not going to lie here, I was attracted to her, and one part of me really wanted to do something about it. She then at the end of the night asked me one last time to come home with her, to which I said no again. She got my Instagram page from one of my buddies who was with us, and texted me the next day saying I should come see her to do all the dirty things she was thinking about. I declined, asked her to respect my relationship with my girlfriend (what a funny er I am, asking her to do that even though I clearly didn’t), and blocked her.

I’ve been wrestling with myself whether I should tell my girlfriend this or not. The problem is (and what makes me even more of a piece of ), that she has been cheated on before, and boy did it ing destroy her. She dealt with that for 2 years and her self-esteem is still weakened by this. Now the thing is, she is head-over-heels in love with me (as I am with her). I want to marry this girl. I am 100% sure of it. I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I can’t tell her this. It would eat her up. But on the other hand, I have to. I feel like the biggest piece of in the whole wide world. I did this. Yes, I was wasted, but no one forced me to drink that much. It’s no excuse, I know that. What the hell do I do? I know I’d feel better if I told her, but she would feel 1000 times worse. But she deserves to know what kind of a****** she’s dating, no? I’m lost. I hate myself. I wish I could turn back time. God damnit, I hate myself. What do I do?

Before offering advice, can you tell us how old you are, OP?

How much relationship experience did you have prior to meeting your girlfriend? I don't mean sexual experience, but actual relationships.

Before offering advice, can you tell us how old you are, OP?

 

How much relationship experience did you have prior to meeting your girlfriend? I don't mean sexual experience, but actual relationships.

I'm 25 years old. I had one relationship that was longer than one year before. Other than that, mostly flings and one night stands.

Don’t tell her. Deal with the guilt yourself and double down on the commitment to your gf. Figure out what’s lacking in your relationship and bring it baxk

I'll second that, DO NOT TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND! You're not going to get off that easily. You're going to remember that you almost cheated on her, and how you almost caused her great pain and how you almost lost her, and you're going to remember this experience as a lesson in case you're tempted in the future.

As for touching the other girl's butt, hey, it was a party, you were drunk, and she wanted someone to come home with her. You didn't do it. You thought about it, but you didn't do it. You'll get over it.

But suck up your guilt and keep it to yourself.

+1 for don’t tell her

You didn’t actually do anything. You touched her butt. Your girlfriend is not at risk of STDs or anything. Seriously. You touched her (clothed) butt.

I agree that you crossed a line that you probably should not have crossed with the flirting - but what you did was not cheating in my books. Simply inappropriate. Telling her will only serve to make her worried and insecure.

In my opinion, it’s perfectly normal to find other people attractive while in a relationship. It happens. It doesn’t mean anything. We are biologically wired to find people attractive. It’s what you DO about it that matters.

In future, just try to remove yourself from the situation faster. Someone can’t tempt you if you aren’t in the room (lol).

I really wouldn’t worry about this. Just try to learn and grow from it.

It seems your only motivation is to relieve your guilty conscious. How does this benefit her? You feel better and she feels worse. Does that make sense?

I vote for not telling and instead you use all that energy worrying about this and turn it into being the best boyfriend that she deserves.

I appreciate all the responses, guys. I guess in my books I cheated because if it was the other way around, I would definitely consider it as that. I am definitely making some changes after this happened, one of them being that I won‘t drink as much anymore when she‘s not with me. I have to admit that it becomes really difficult to control myself when I am drunk (what a surprise, Einstein), and since I luckily just graduated college, I really have to make a change when it comes to that. I‘d get way too drunk way too often, and honestly, nothing good ever comes from that. When she’s not there, especially since we’re doing long distance, I’ll limit myself to a couple of beers, because I know that if I’m relatively sober, the odds of me doing something stupid are very low.

I still feel like an ass, though. I feel like I don’t deserve her and that she’s just dating a liar. Like I’m no better than all the guys I used to despise.

I guess I’ll have to live with this, instead of relieving myself off the guilt and make her feel worse. One thing is for sure though: I can absolutely never let this happen again. She deserves so much better. Honestly, if you could meet her, you’d understand. No 30 minutes of pleasure with any other girl will ever compare to the feeling I have when I’m with her. Guess it’s in the nature of men to try and mess up anything good in life. Damn you, universe!!!

Hey, I'm not saying what you did was by any means "right" but touching another woman's butt isn't THAT big of a deal. I stand with the others on keeping that detail to yourself, as long as it doesn't happen again. If you keep having a problem with flirtatiousness with women and being tempted, end your current relationship. LDRs are very hard, and even when we really love someone, they don't always work out. Better to break it off then end up cheating. But, it sounds like you've learned from this experience and know what you want. Good luck staying committed.

Do not tell her.

No. It is not the nature of men. You have self control. Do not use that as an excuse. Also, just as many women cheat.

Good luck!

Deep breaths here, buddy.

Look, what you did was not cool. But neither was it an instant pass to hell for life. You got a little drunk, held a hand, touched a butt. You walked to the edge, put a toenail over it, retreated.

You're clearly crazy about your girlfriend, and, youthful bro-speak aside, you also clearly respect her. You sound like a good guy—many levels above where I was at your age, frankly. Young, hormonal, all those things, no doubt. But the level of accountability you've taken here surpasses a lot of what we see in people 10, 20, 30 years older than you. You're making no excuses. You just sucked for a night, and you didn't suck too bad. I'm not saying that you deserve a medal—nope, you were not cool—but deal with this on your own and move on.

Don't say a word—it will achieve nothing. Use this moment the way you already are, to just be better—a better version of yourself (and you're so close!) and a better boyfriend to her. That doesn't mean being in permanent atonement mode. It just means being you, the highest you.

Relationships are hard. Outside temptation is inevitable. I have to say, if I was in a relationship and the most transgressive thing my gf ever did was the female version of what you did, and she felt the way you felt after—cool, bring it.

LDRs are a difficult lonely experience and both of you may want to reflect on how viable that is and the relationship overall. You are already 'drinking and thinking', while she's not around.

Weird how a group of strangers on an Internet forum can make you feel better. I appreciate all your input guys; not sure I deserve it, but it made me feel better!

As for the long-distance thing: it is only temporary. Another 4 months, and we'll reunite in the same city. Like I said, I will make changes to my drinking. For the next 4 months, I'll stop drinking completely. I've done it before and know that it will not be a problem, so I will be sure to not put myself in situations like this again. It's all about resisting temptation, and that is a whole lot easier to do when you're not drunk somewhere at a club.

Sounds like a good plan. Or at least chill with the binge drinking/club nights.

Four months: you've got this.

Rooting for both of you!