I don’t know what to do

Hello,

I am in a 5 year relationship and I don’t know what to do. My partner treats me pretty terribly. It’s things like telling me to f-off and calling me names, he’s recently threatened me with violence he later claimed was a joke, we went away for our anniversary and I asked him why he was treating me this way and his response was that I’m “just not good enough”. We have had sex twice in a year but he hasn’t ejaculated either of those times, when I offer sexual things he says no and doesn’t like me touching him anymore. Recently he got very drunk and pushed me up against a wall a couple of times, he also makes up things I’ve said if we are both drunk to rationalise his angry actions (I know this because I’ve recorded it happening on my phone) he’s put on a lot of weight and doesn’t seem to care, he’s also recently lost his job through redundancy and rather than actively searching he lies on the sofa all day so I’m terrified we will lose our flat. I am shouted at if I ask him to help clean, help cook, he’s swerved the car because of his anger and scratched his key along the paintwork. I could go on and on. I feel as though he does not care if I’m around or not, despite all of this I’ve built a life with him and when it’s good it’s very good and I feel he’s the love of my life, but he’s treated me so badly I just don’t know what to do. Any advice would be greatly recieved. Thank you.

And you're choosing to remain in this abusive, dysfunctional toxic relationship/environment because?

I know you said you've built a life with him, and when it's good it's very good, but from what you describe, the bad, the abuse, the total toxicity and dysfunction, outweighs any good, and when that happens, you LEAVE.

Never love a man more than you love yourself, nothing good will ever become of that.

I think you know what to do. He's abusive and you need to leave him! What's holding you back? Do you have friends or family you can stay with?

Do you live together? Do you have friend or family nearby? You realize you are in an abusive relationship. You need to read up on that and enlist the help of friends and family and plan your exit. He will not change and he will get more violent. Get out.

You need to leave him, sooner rather than later. Dont tell me you love him, that's not love. You are so desperately unhappy, he's an a$$hole at the best of times. Now he's got no job, he's lazy, he treats you like crap. Pack your stuff and leave. A homeless shelter for women would be better than how you are living.

I am in a 5 year relationship and I don’t know what to do. My partner treats me pretty terribly. It’s things like telling me to f-off and calling me names, he’s recently threatened me with violence he later claimed was a joke, we went away for our anniversary and I asked him why he was treating me this way and his response was that I’m “just not good enough”. We have had sex twice in a year but he hasn’t ejaculated either of those times, when I offer sexual things he says no and doesn’t like me touching him anymore. Recently he got very drunk and pushed me up against a wall a couple of times, he also makes up things I’ve said if we are both drunk to rationalise his angry actions (I know this because I’ve recorded it happening on my phone) he’s put on a lot of weight and doesn’t seem to care, he’s also recently lost his job through redundancy and rather than actively searching he lies on the sofa all day so I’m terrified we will lose our flat. I am shouted at if I ask him to help clean, help cook, he’s swerved the car because of his anger and scratched his key along the paintwork. I could go on and on. I feel as though he does not care if I’m around or not, despite all of this I’ve built a life with him and when it’s good it’s very good and I feel he’s the love of my life, but he’s treated me so badly I just don’t know what to do. Any advice would be greatly recieved. Thank you.

And you stay with him ... WHY??? I have a hard time understanding why you say "I don't know what to do". Just re-read all of your words above. Really absorb what you are saying. The answer as to what to do is so glaringly obvious it blows your mind.

You end this toxic and dysfunctional abusive relationship. You LEAVE, never to return.

Well, it sounds like depression. Has he ever had bouts of depression before? Is he on any kind of medicine? He may be angry because he can't have proper sex anymore. I'm not trying to excuse him. But if you're deciding to stick around, you might try to get him to see a doctor or get him to talk about what's bothering him. Otherwise, get the heck out before he becomes physically violent.

he also makes up things I’ve said if we are both drunk

Secondly: You know as long as you stay there you just enable him to be the abusive, unmotivated couch douche that he is so get away from him and let him grow. Its time he learned to sink or swim so stop enabling.

You might want to look into codependency and read anything by Melody Beatie (Codependent No more) to get over your fear of being out of an abusive and toxic situation.

this doesnt sounds like a relationship at all... it just sounds like you are putting up with a lot of crap.

get out. quickly.

Why do you feel he is the love of your life if he doesnt treat you well?

I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. It sounds miserable. I have been in your shoes before. It is very painful and depressing. People CAN change but they have to do a lot of hard work in order to do so...have you ever let him know how you feel inside when he insults you? When I was in your position I found a wonderful personal counselor who helped me deal with everything in a better way, but I learned that I don't need someone in my life who wants to hurt me. My spouse did change over time and we are doing really well now. I hope things turn more positively for you very soon. My faith in God is the only thing that helped me through everything.

I am so sorry you are going through such a hard time. It sounds miserable. I have been in your shoes before. It is very painful and depressing. People CAN change but they have to do a lot of hard work in order to do so...have you ever let him know how you feel inside when he insults you? When I was in your position I found a wonderful personal counselor who helped me deal with everything in a better way, but I learned that I don't need someone in my life who wants to hurt me. My spouse did change over time and we are doing really well now. I hope things turn more positively for you very soon. My faith in God is the only thing that helped me through everything.

Was your spouse abusive or did you just leave him? I’m sorry but I do not believe that abusive people can change and become better, but that's just my opinion.

Lost- you need to get out immediately. You need to seek help from family and friends.

He will not change. It will only get worse.