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My fiancé cheated a year ago.


Jbabygirl

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Hi everyone. So my fiancé and I have been together for 2 years and a couple months. He proposed to me in September. Well I found out he cheated on me last year when I was 5 months pregnant. I found out he cheated in October. Basically I was on his Snapchat one night (I just had a bad feeling) and this girl had sent him a message so I opened it and there it was, all of their messages (from last year). He was asleep while I was on it so I read every message and it was full of flirting and kissing emojis. So I pretended to be him and I replied to her asking her what her favorite memory of them was (so I could see if he and her did stuff) well she replied saying that they kissed and had sex once. That that was it, nothing else. I started balling my eyes out and went to wake him up and he confessed. He said that he was seduced and that he was stressed at the time and she caught him at the worst time. I was pregnant then and we were struggle financially but I know it’s no excuse! I’m still devastated. How do I trust him? He says it’ll never happen again and he was scared to lose me if he had told me then. He says he would’ve told me he just didn’t know when. (I find that hard to believe) I’m so upset and angry. It’s been a month since I found out and I still cry. Daily. It’s like every time I look at him, I hate him. Our son is a year old and I’m trying so hard to be happy for him. I love my fiancé. That’s why I said yes to his proposal.. what would you do? :(

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ALSO,

He says that he would message her on Snapchat and lead her on so she wouldnt tell me. He says that she threatened to tell me if he had stopped talking to her. But idk... I’m so hurt. He says it wasn’t an affair. That he didn’t want to cheat, it just happened. He was seduced

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Sadly this is not the first nor will it be the last. It's only what you happened to find by chance. Also he fed you all the typical lines, it was her, she seduced him blah blah blah. Unfortunately you have a child together so you'll have to decide what you can and can't live with.

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Well, if his excuse is “stress” and “seduction” - I don’t think you should marry him unless:

 

a) you are confident that in the next 50+ years of marriage you will not encounter any other stressful situations (I mean... good luck with that...)

b) you are confident that in the next 50+ years of marriage that no other woman will come on to your man (since he’s weak like that... and I mean... good luck with that)

 

Or

 

c) you accept and acknowledge that you are making a life with a cheater and that you are ok having an open relationship (because that is all he is capable of)

 

Not to make it worse... but not only did he put you at risk of STDs, etc - he also put your unborn child at risk unless you refrained from sex for the remainder of your pregnancy or used condoms (unlikely)

 

I do think that cheaters can be forgiven sometimes under very specific circumstances... but this isn’t it. If his reason is “stress” and “seduction” - in my opinion, you have no reason to believe that it won’t happen again. It’s a weak excuse. (Right in line after “I was drunk”)

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I think you know the answer.

 

This is over.

 

He betrayed you over and over. That's not a small thing and it's not going to stop. He does not love you if he could do this and he does not have respect for you if he had it in him to do this.

What will happen in future is he will find ways to hide his betrayals better so you can't find them as easily. But they won't go away.

 

Your son can still see his dad but you two as a couple is not going to work, in my opinion.

 

He was not sorry and he would have continued had he not been found out. This can't be fixed....why? Because he is a cheater and as much as you want that to be changed in him, it won't be.

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As for his pathetic excuse for being 'seduced'....that is the lamest thing I have ever heard.

 

A man who is a decent man and loves his girlfriend/wife, could have a thousand women throwing themselves at him and he wouldn't do anything.

 

Your boyfriend went for it because he is weak and he does not love or respect you.

 

If that's all it takes is a bit of stress and some woman smiling at him the right way, then he really is a low life.

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We have thought about counseling. He has convinced me that he will no longer hurt me (cheat) especially now that we have our son. But I don’t know.

 

He would no longer hurt you? His word has no value. He cheated, lied about it and doesn't take full responsibility. How could you trust him?

 

If you didn't have a child, I'd say leave, asap.

 

But it might be worth some counseling to see if this is worth saving, before you decide to pack up and leave. At least you won't look back with any regrets for not having tried everything.

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Take a couple of weeks away from him to get your head straight. I'm so sorry :( also him being stressed and seduced are pathetic excuses-he cheated because he wanted to. Counselling won't stop him from doing it again. If it were me I'd break up, but that's just because I know for people like this they won't change and will do it again if you stay.

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I dont think anyone here can really tell you what to do because:

 

1. We dont know how fulfilling your relationship is now (or was, before this knowledge). Is he a good partner, does he make you feel loved and secure?

 

2. Everyone's threshold for this kind of stuff is different. One person may choose to forgive and another may decide to walk away, neither person is wrong.

 

Me, personally, if I truly felt that over the past year he'd been a good partner to me, and a good dad to my kid, I would forgive him. ONCE. We are all human, we all make mistakes, it doesn't necessarily mean that we will make the same mistake again. Also, if he's been a good partner 99% of the time, I could show some understanding for the 1% where he screwed up. I also wouldn't want to break up an otherwise happy family over one mistake. However, this is all given that he is a great partner outside of this one incident.

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I couldn't do it.

 

I know men like this and one time is never enough. All I would be feeling like is a sitting duck waiting for the hammer to fall.

 

And it will, all takes is a matter of time.

 

This guy has no remorse. He couldn't even man up to admit he did wrong, he tried to excuse it and blame the woman! Seduced!? Omg...in my opinion, he cannot be fixed.

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This isn't one percent and cheating isn't a mistake. Also just cos she found out about this one thing doesn't mean it was the first time nor the last. He didn't just trip and fall on her body. He made conscious choices to cheat and hide it and lie. He now expects her to believe his bs excuses. If someone gives the greenlight for another to treat them like trash, all the future mistreatment is on them. Fool me once...As they say.

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I dont think anyone here can really tell you what to do because:

 

1. We dont know how fulfilling your relationship is now (or was, before this knowledge). Is he a good partner, does he make you feel loved and secure?

 

I think it's safe to say that no, he didn't make her feel loved and secure. OP said she had a bad feeling and thus checked his phone, which strongly suggests something was wrong even before she found out he actually cheated.

 

If this man had taken more responsibility for his own role in this, I might feel a little differently. He tried to blame the other woman, though, claiming he was seduced. That is a load of malarkey. I also think if he was serious about making this right, he wouldn't try to talk OP out of counselling by claiming he'll never hurt her again.

 

So while I get what you're saying in your post, I don't believe it applies to OP's specific situation.

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What you could do is get checked for stds and hold off on getting married. Also have you confided in your closest family or friends you can trust. Sometimes not harboring a secret or protecting someone who betrayed you helps. Be the best mom you can be. Even though you are understandably hurting

 

Do not just forgive and forget. That makes it like condoning it. Make sure he earns your trust back. Do not allow for lame excuses or shifting the blame on stress or other women or whatever. Make sure he understands the gravity of this betrayal. He must respect you and you must be able to trust him, not live in constant doubt. Couples counseling is a must.

Our son is a year old and I’m trying so hard to be happy for him.
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I'm really sorry for your pain, OP.

 

You say you love him, but you also said you had a "bad feeling." What triggered that, and how long as some version of a bad feeling lurked in your gut during this relationship? Or, simply put, prior to this discovery, how genuinely happy were you in the relationship?

 

Since there is a child involved, I would recommend—well, if I was in your shoes, I'd insist—on couple's counseling. And individual counseling.

 

His explanation leaves a lot to be desired. Which is almost always the case when someone is caught cheating. The urge is to deflect, minimize, because (a) that's how he's rationalized it to himself and (b) he doesn't want to add to the hurt. What he does not yet understand is that, at this point, only full accountability works. It's not about stress and seduction. It's about a choice he made, a terrible one, owning that, and being eager to do the work, the hard work, in building back trust and evolving into someone who understands how to curb these impulses. That is a process, a long one, for both of you.

 

Infidelity, to me, does not need to be a dealbreaker. I know this, know my thoughts, feelings, and threshold on the matter. I know it's something I'm built to forgive, and something I have forgiven in my own past. I believe people can learn from their mistakes, and evolve into a place where they no longer make them. I also know a lot of great people who have cheated, and great couples who have gone through infidelity and come out stronger.

 

But that's me, my operating system. Only you know yours.

 

If there wasn't a child here, I'd likely say get out, just based on your tone and his slippery explanations. But there is a child. Given that, I'd take some time to yourself, to get straight, and then deliver exactly what you need from him to even see if there's a shot: therapy, transparency, whatever.

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My guess is, rather than being sorry for what he did, he's sorry he got caught. Either way, if he had the time to cheat, he had the time to think about it.

 

I'm sorry this happened and of course it's your call, but you'll always have a dark cloud hanging over your head, while waiting for the next shoe to drop.

 

JMO...

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He’s an amazing partner. He takes good care of us. Makes me feel loved and secure for sure. I didn’t mention this part but he cheated on me with a girl that lived beneath us at our old apartment. He was the maintenance man and he had to go fix her sink. She came onto him and he said no he had a Gf and she kept going at it, touching him and he gave in. :’( After that she found him on Snapchat (she had his personal # cuz he used it for work) and he accepted her and that’s when they started messaging for a couple weeks and stopped. He has been the best partener And always so great up until I found out about him cheating. So in love with me and definitely shows it. It was just a one time thing (he says) and he has cried about it many times and even went as far to call her and tell her that she needs to leave him alone and to never contact him again. He’s trying every day to prove his love to me. :(

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Right.. I agree. We moved in together at 4 months of dating. Got pregnant 6 months into dating and he cheated 11 months into dating. He says he was scared of becoming a dad and had a lot of work stress added. He was weak I know but ugh.. I wish he would’ve loved me like he says he does now back then. I’m giving him a 2nd Chance only because he has cried so much to me and has apoligized to me, God, our son and even my brother. I told my brother about it. He says he regrets it and will never happen... if it does, I’m gone

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I went to his blocked list because I asked him to block a person (old stalker friend of mine) so I went to check if he did and that’s when I saw that she was blocked. And then unblocked later on. I was really suspsicious about her because idk I just had a feeling that something was going on when I was pregnant. It was a year ago yeah but something felt off. He would talk bad about her to me. He was the maintenance man at our old place and she lived under us and he would tell me things like she has guys down there all the time & that she tried flirting with him before. So I always had my suspicions and when I noticed she was blocked it triggered it even more

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